Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's A Wonderful Life...Isn't It?

I seriously underestimated how difficult Christmas would be. Thanksgiving was tough, but easier because I was with my family. Knowing my sister, brothers, and my dad will all be together while I'm here, well, it sucks. I was hoping going to the Christmas Eve service would help but I ended up crying during the whole thing. This has just been a sucky week and felt like it was seven days instead of just three. Part of my biggest issue with grief has been my inability to control my emotions. It's as if I'm on hyperdrive. A consequence of this is that I constantly second guess everything I feel and do. If something upsets or angers me, am I legitimately upset or angry, or am I overreacting? I go through this process with EVERYTHING and its excruciating.

A secondary effect of this condition is that I tend to excuse the bad behavior of other’s. If someone mistreats me, is rude, etc, I tend to make excuses for them. Because, maybe I’m just being super sensitive. Or maybe they’re having a rough day. OR MAYBE THEY’RE JUST BEING AN ASS.

That’s what I really need to realize.

I’ve been doing this with some of the girls I work with. I’ve tried hard, maybe too hard, to be friendly, part of the gang, etc. It’s not working. My boss came out of her office the other day and announces to me that we (the billing dept) need to do a better job of collecting copays. We need to make sure that we’re doing a better job of telling the girls up front which patients on the schedule have a copay. So I mention that ever day I do indeed mark copays on the schedule up front. The same schedule that the girls at the front desk have to check every time a patient signs in. So then my office mate says that perhaps we should make a point to check up front for the patients so that we can collect the copay. I tell her that is seriously f’d up. How can we do our job and get up, leave our office, and check to see if the patient is here? It’s just as easy for the girls at the front desk to check off the patient and let us know. Of course the reasonable expectation would be that the girls at the front desk would actually ask for the copay, but they seem to have some aversion to that.

Anyway, the next day I received the silent treatment from half the girls in the office. It felt like I was in high school and seriously pissed me off. This would be the same day I brought in my Christmas gifts for the office staff. They couldn’t break their silent treatment to say thanks.

On the flip side is my overreaction to things. I tried to make what I thought was a joke to a friend and she sent me an email letting me know she didn’t appreciate. I immediately responded with an apology and then literally spent the rest of the day agonizing over what I had done. Which is ridiculous. I made a joke, there was certainly no ill will intended and she didn’t like it. Why am I beating myself up about it. She let me know how she felt, I respect that. We’re friends, best friends, and this really isn’t the end of the world. But for me, it’s like picking at a hangnail. I just can’t relax and let things go.

I just can’t keep putting myself through this. It’s exhausting and stressful. I just keep thinking things will get easier, but it doesn’t. Maybe I should just accept this and learn to deal with it.

In other news I think a skunk has set up residence under my house, more specifically under my bedroom.


Monday, December 22, 2008

Interview by SarahinMI

One of my twitter friends posted an interview on her blog, The Mom Chronicles. After answering her questions she asked if there were any readers interested in being interviewed. I thought, ‘what the heck, why not’, if anything it will get me to post. So I left her a comment and about thirty seconds later she left me these questions.

1. I love that you take kickboxing because it seems like an awesome work out and stress relief all mixed in one. What made you choose kickboxing? Actually it was my friends Kitten that suggested it. There is a local studio that she wanted to check out so we went in and found out the first class was free. We figured that it would be worth a shot. At our first class, a beginner class, the first thing our instructor said was “if you feel like you’re going to throw up, the bathrooms are there and here.” I came home exhausted and exhilarated. It was the best workout I have ever experienced. If anyone had told me a year ago I could do pushups without collapsing, I would have never believed them.

2. It's been a hard year for you, and I'm sad that you're sad. What is your favorite memory of your mom? I have lots of great memories but it was easy to pick my favorite. When I was in high school I tried out for the drill team, ok it was tall flags, I can’t lie. Anyway, for some reason this news really excited my mom and she actually made me an outfit for try outs. It had been years since my mother had sewed and she made me this adorable short outfit in my school colors which were black and orange. Believe it or not I didn’t look like Tony the Tiger, it was really cute. Unfortunately, I got the date wrong and I came home from tryouts to find the outfit lying on my bed ready for the next day. I never told my mom that tryouts were a day earlier than I thought and to my knowledge she never knew I didn’t try out in the outfit she made me. I did make the team and my mother made a HUGE sign and posted it on our garage door. It was the closest she ever came to telling me she was proud of me.

3. So you hate when your iPod gets stuck on Christina Aguilera (believe me, I WOULD TOO!) - and you love some booty music. You have to create a playlist to take with you to a deserted island for a week of being CHILL and doing NOTHING - what is on that playlist. I don’t know how to CHILL and do nothing, but I’ll give it a shot. I have really varied taste in music. The Best Day by Taylor Swift
Anything by Amos Lee
Boys of Summer by Don Henley
Celebrity by Brad Paisley
Cocoon by Jack Johnson
Crash by Dave Matthews
Every Light in the House by Trace Adkins
Far Away by Nickelback
Father Figure by George Michael
Fingernail Moon by Annie Lennox
The Garden by Mirah
Godspeed by Dixie Chicks
Good Enough By Evanescence
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
I’m Movin On by Rascal Flatts
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance
Imagine by Jack Johnson
Karma by Alicia Keys
Kerosene by Miranda Lambert
Legend of a Cowgirl by Imani Coppola
Life is Beautiful by Vega4
Love Story by Taylor Swift
Mercy by Duffy
2 x 4 by Metallica
Pancho and Lefty by Willie Nelson
Red Light Special by TLC
She’s A Beauty by the Tubes
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney
Shut Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
Wish you Were Here by Mark Harris
Womanizer by Britney Spears
You Had Me From Hello by Kenny Chesney
Burn by Usher

4. The sex toy business is best when the women are horny and cash-laden. What is the most popular thing you sell? How did you get into that business? I can be pretty blunt around strangers but a bit shy around people I know - do you find that it matters when you're hosting a home party? The most popular item I sell is the Silver Bullet. It’s a great little toy guaranteed to take any woman from zero to 60 in no time flat plus it’s a great beginner toy to use with your partner. I do prefer to do parties for strangers. They ask a LOT of personal questions and I don’t think that people that know me really want to know that much about my personal life.

5. I know you best through Twitter these days - who are your favorite people to follow? Is there a particular kind of Twitter-er you follow or is it random? Of course, SarahinMI is one of my favorites. It’s pretty random, but I like to follow witty and funny people in the hope it will rub off on me. Some of my favorites in no particular order are Jplesko, myfuckingeye, yeahimadork, to name a few. I also like to follow people who live here in Long Beach.

Hey folks: Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Friday, December 19, 2008

was tagged by nannermommy, so here goes.
1. Open the 4th picture folder on your computer.

2 Open the 4th picture and post it on your blog.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

This is my cat Edward. I'm not sure when it was taken, sometime during the past year. I adopted Edward about ten years ago. I adopted him as an adult and I have no idea how old he is. I know he's getting old because he limps a lot and doesn't like to jump up high anymore. I worry that he will leave me soon. I tag The Mom Chronicles, Miss Pea, and Jennifer Plesko.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Thursday Ten

1. Taking a week of off kickboxing kicks my ass. I’ve only gone twice this week and tomorrow I have my session with my trainer. I have a feeling that I won’t be able to walk afterwards. However, as I see the scale go lower, it’s all worth it.

2. I really don’t know what to do about work. I’m afraid to make any big decisions because I understand that emotionally, I’m not all there. So part of me isn’t sure that I’m unhappy because of all the other circumstances or am I unhappy because things at work really suck.

3. I’ve been working on a list of pros and cons. That’s normally how I make a lot of decisions.

4. Pros – flexibility, if I need to leave early, come in late, it’s not that big of a deal. I can work part time so I can go to school. It’s close to home, no long commute.

5. Cons – everytime someone in the office doesn’t want to deal with something, it gets pushed onto to me. Everyone seems nice but they really talk shit about everybody behind their backs. I can only imagine what they say about me. The office isn’t conducted in as professional a manner as I would like.

6. The biggest (possible) con is that I’m unhappy. But am I unhappy because of work or because of the other stuff or is it a little bit of both?

7. Can you tell that I totally OVERTHINK things? Ugh, it’s a horrible trait. I do it during kickboxing too, and that’s a bad trait to have when someone is wearing boxing gloves and is looking forward to punching you.

8. The hardest part of all of this is not being able to get a handle on my emotional state. Normally when things are tough I can talk myself into a positive state of mind. I normally NEVER waste time feeling sorry for myself. In fact every morning I get up and think to myself that ‘today will be a better day’ which lasts for about two hours.

9. But heck, at least I keep trying.

10. This weekend is the Belmont Shore Christmas Parade. I hate to deal with all the people and the crowds but Einstein is in it and what kind of mom would be if I stayed home? Other than that, it should be a quiet weekend. I hope to finish the rest of my Christmas shopping because this is the LAST quiet weekend I have before Christmas.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Monday Musings

Just some random thoughts....I have recently come to understand (and when I say recently I mean the last two minutes) why it's important to save your post while typing. Somehow I managed to delete everything I typed with just a quick flash of my hand.

I didn't go to kickboxing tonight and I can't go tomorrow and Wednesday I leave to go to my dad's house. I'm convinced that in a space of a week I will have lost the little muscle tone I have and resemble a beached whale. Yes, I know this is irrational and crazy. How on earth am I going to avoid eating like a pig when a)I will be around my sister who snacks like crazy and yet never gains a pound thanks to breastfeeding; b)it's our first Thanksgiving without my mom and I am an emotional eater. Why cry when I can stuff my face with pie? and c)my sister and I plan to shop on black Friday which means - FOOD COURT, need I say more?

My animals are in cahoots to drive me batty. Sid, the dog, has learned to UNZIP my gym bag. In the past two days he has ate a protein bar, my chapstick, and my mouthpiece. Edward, the cat, has decided the ONLY place to sleep is wrapped around my head. Apparently I have a very warm head. For the record, both my animals were adopted and already named. I would have never picked Sidney and Edward.

Twitter sometimes annoys the hell out of me. At first I had everyone I was following set up so that their updates when to my phone, but seriously, some people just twitter to hear themselves speak. I don't think I twitter all that much but then I don't often feel I have anything interesting to say. I have become much more picky in who I follow via SMS however I am sure that Veriz@n regrets offering me the unlimited text option on my crackberry.

You know how they say "don't judge a book by it's cover?" Well, I do. Books, that is. I love to read and make frequent trips to the library. I do pick my books my their covers and I must say lately my judgement sucks!!! However, once I start a book I force myself to finish it. I think that on some level the book will end up redeeming itself, which rarely happens. My current bad choice is Banishing Verona by Margot Livesey. I just can't get into it.

And that ends another Monday

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Wake Me When It's 2009

It's not that I'm blocked (because come on I'm not the wittiest chick around), I just have a hard time writing about it.....and talking about it. Besides, who wants to hear about it?

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. I had considered writing a post about her but I just couldn't do it. I spent the majority of the day alone (hubby had to work last night) and probably consumed more food for dinner and post dinner than I have in a normal single day. Have I ever mentioned I'm an emotional eater? However that's a subject for another day.

I understand why all this is hard. It was the first birthday. The first of many firsts...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, my parent's anniversary. I just never thought it would be this hard. I mean, yeah, I know losing someone you love is devastating, yada, yada, yada, but death is part of life? Right? I just never expected this. This huge dark cloud that at times makes it difficult to breathe. The crying. Every day, two or three times a day. At work, in the shower, driving. Anything sets it off. Songs are especially difficult.

A local grief counseling center offered a class on coping with grief during the holidays. I left during the first break. I just couldn’t handle all the touchy, feely, shit. Especially with strangers. Actually I can’t talk about it with people I know either. I can’t talk about it with hubby, my friends, my siblings, or my dad. It’s just so OVERWHELMING. I’m just worried that if I start saying all this stuff out loud it just becomes more real and I don’t think I can handle it.

I just want to stop feeling this way. I feel like a robot. On the outside I go about my regular activities and everything is normal. On the inside, I’m a complete wreck. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in over two weeks. I fall asleep, but I can’t stay that way. I’m completely exhausted. I chatted about it with the nurse the other day when I went to get my Depo-Provera shot. She thinks that eventually I’ll just crash however in the meantime she’s a bit concerned I’ll get sick. Apparently lack of rest compromises your immune system. I just feel like I’m operating on autopilot. I want it to end. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
Is it this hard for everyone? Am I whining too much? I just am not use to feeling like this. So..out of control where my emotions are concerned.

If I could just fast forward to after Christmas I’d be happy.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Watch It Wiggle

Friday night was our dojo's semi-annual "fight night." This was the night I was supposed to fight before I dropped out. I still went to support my friends that were fighting. Every fight night is done for a charity and this one was for a bone marrow registry. I am now a registered bone marrow possible donor. My trainer's brother works for BMW and they donated this as a raffle prize. Yeah, you read it right, it RETAILS for at least $1000 and I won it. And I don't know what to do with it. I'm inclined to sell it but I feel guilty for considering it.

I have a bicycle. It’s a nice beach cruiser. I, in no way, can do the new bike justice. I hardly have time to ride the bike I have. So for now it's just sitting in my dining room because I don't have a garage and I don't think it's safe in the backyard.After fight night the Dojo restarts sparring. That is, they take it all the way down back to basics. So, I’ve started again. I was listening to our trainer talk about how the class changes how you work out, steps up your game, etc..and I realized something. Remember this?

I started to gain my weight back when I stopped sparring. It was as if a light bulb went off over my head. I’m excited to be back although today I’m sore, but it’s so worth it. I’m hoping to fight at our next fight night in May however I’m not throwing my name in for a little while. I still feel back about backing out of this fight, although I had a very good reason.

As of right now I have a vision of me…less jiggle, more muscle.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Thursday Ten, The Vodka Edition

I stole this from The Mom Chronicles. I probably don't do it justice, but here it goes.

1. Tonight I'm chatting online with my friend Denise aka pictaker66 on twitter and I mention that I have to go because Lasagna and wine is awaiting me and she replies that she'll be right over and I answer, come on! And about fifteen minutes later there she is having dinner with myself and my family.

2. Of course a rule of having dinner with us is that you have to participate in Food For Talk, which, btw, is an excellent way to get your family to have actual conversation during dinner. Not that my family needed it because seriously my children never shut up.

3. Tonight's question was based on "Anger is only one letter away from danger." What dangerous things can happen when you're angry? Beav used it as an opportunity to exploit the fact that yours truly has a very bad temper. I do, I admit it. There is no door safe from my slamming when I'm pissed off, but hey it keeps me from throwing things......sometimes.

4. Dinner was enjoyable because A) I didn't have to cook it; B) both my children were actually present and c) one of my best friends was there to enjoy it with us.

5. I can't even begin to tell you how blessed I am to have the great friends I have. Seriously, I could write about it for days. It was just nice to sit and visit. And drink wine. And some cranberry juice with Vodka.

6. I had to drink the Cranberry Juice with Vodka because my back is seriously killing me. You would think with all the kickboxing I do that I would be somewhat flexible however it seems that last night's marital activities (use your imagination ladies and gentlemen) used some muscles that apparently I don't use in every day life. It hurts...a lot.

7. Of course that won't stop be from pursuing the same types of activities again. Maybe in a few moments from now. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know about me.

8. My husband, however, is mighty proud of himself and prepared for a round two. I'm all for it, but tonight, I'm so not going to be the cowgirl....if you know what I mean.

9. I must admit I'm enjoying this newfound sexual drive that I have. The last few months have been rough; grief is not compatible with my sex drive, apparently, however, for the time being I seem to be on an upward swing. Perhaps I'm gearing up for the rough Thanksgiving ahead.

10. In the meantime I will enjoy my husband and my friends (although I enjoy them differently). Perhaps I should change that to "time with my husband and my friends." Hell, you know what I mean. Tomorrow night is fight night, I'm not participating but I will be there to encourage my boxing buddies and prepare myself for six months from now when I take the ring.

And that is my Thursday Ten. Not as eloquent as The Mom Chronicles but I'd like to remind everyone that Vodka is involved.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Things on my mind right now

Things on my mind right now. I had my hairdresser put pink in my hair. It’s cute with the red, however we have family portraits being done on Sunday. I have this vision of thirty years from now my grandchildren thinking I’m a wacko.

The election. I found myself emotional. Last year in one of my classes I did a lot of research and writing on slavery, issues of racism, discrimination, etc. I never get tired of hearing Dr. King’s “I have a dream” speech and it’s all I could think of last night.

Proposition 8. Thanks to twitter, there has been so much talk about this proposition, from all over the country and Canada. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and their thoughts. Nobody is entitled to being called names because of their decision. I agree, a lot of people do make their decisions based on hate and prejudice. But a lot of people, especially people I know, made their decision based on their own convictions and their commitment to their faith. Nobody is entitled to face vandalism because of their decision. You can’t claim tolerance and then attack those who have a different opinion than you do. I’m aware that it’s been negative on both sides and it just makes me sad. If Proposition 8 passes there is no doubt in my mind that this issue has not been settled. We have a long ways to go in educating and enlightening individuals on both sides of this issue. Hell, we just elected an African American President for the first time, big changes like that don’t come easy and look how long it took us to get here.

My children, I was so happy to find them both engaged in the election. Einstein took part in voting at his school and Beav participated in class debates over the propositions. My children and I disagree on several of the issues, but I’m proud that they take a stand and are still willing to listen to different opinions.

Recently I’ve had people tell me that they could never be with someone who had opposite political views than they do. The husband and I differ a lot in our political opinions and now so do my children and I and you know what, I like it that way. It just makes all of us that much more educated and prepared to make decisions. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many individuals who think so differently than I do. I admit that sometimes it leaves me scratching my head thinking “what the hell….?” But I’m better for it.

Last but not least I was giving Beav a short economics lesson in the car this morning. Explaining that how people quit spending and how that trickles down to impact everyone. I used the example of my second job where I’ve seen my commissions drop by sixty percent. So, I spend less, which means stores don’t many as much money, which effects distribution of goods, etc, etc. I’m just hoping he doesn’t go to school and tell people that his mommy isn’t making money off the sex toys. Because that is paying for his education……well barely anyway.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Monday, November 03, 2008

all our friends they say to let you go but they don't know you're still breathing

I tried, really I did. However, hubby making dinner, yeah, that’s about over. It’s not because I’m a control freak, it’s not, it’s not, it’s not (ok maybe a little), it’s just that well, he can’t cook. It’s more bad than good and while I’m so super thankful that he wants to help, I just can’t take it anymore. I knew the end was near when I found myself explaining why you couldn’t cook chicken, shred it up and use it in Hamburger Helper. He just kept saying ‘but it says you can use turkey’ and I kept answering, ‘yes, ground turkey’ and it just went back and forth like that for awhile. He gets points for trying though.

My dad and one of my brothers drove down Saturday night to see me get baptized on Sunday morning. They could only stay until Sunday afternoon so it was a short visit but it was so nice to see them. Yes, I know most people handle the baptism thing when they’re younger, but I’m a slow bloomer like that. Made my dad proud as hell though which hopefully makes up for me arriving home in the short pirate skirt and patent leather knee high boots (I was at a costume party when he got here, I promise).

I’m apprehensive as hell about Thanksgiving. My sis and I are cooking together at my dad’s house. There’s no doubt that it’s going to be difficult. On the positive side my family has an amazing sense of humor so I know there will be lots of laughter and memory sharing amidst the tears. My dad has decided to move, so it’s the last time we will be together at mom and dad’s house which adds a bit more sadness to the event. And my mom’s birthday is on the 22nd so as you can see, it’s just a tough month. My church is offering a class/group therapy meeting for individuals who have recently lost someone and are having trouble coping with the holidays. Hubby thinks it might be a good idea if I go and I’m inclined to believe him.

Other than that things are busy here in the Diva household…..busy but good, except the check engine light is on in our “good” car and I have a feeling it’s something ominous….and expensive. In fact I’m pretty sure of it because every time I manage to build up my savings account something comes along and wipes most of it out. Brother (former mechanic) told me to wait it out a bit, he thinks it might be poor fuel or water in the fuel because the light popped on right after I filled up. He knows his stuff so I’m hoping he’s right.

I know everyone has been blogging about the election tomorrow. All I can say is I’ve already voted so for me, the pressure is off. All I ask is please vote. Please.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Since you never realize a good thing until it's gone

So, if you've been reading my twitters then you know I am back at school. Just one class, online. English - critical and argumentative writing. I had registered for this class with the others that I dropped and kept it since it didn't start until now. I figured that things would be easier by now, and they are a bit (if you don't count the hours I spent crying myself to sleep last night). I'm not sure though that I can handle the class. It's eighteen weeks of material done in nine weeks. Two papers a week. Ugh. But, I am glad to be back!

One thing I’m thinking of doing to free up my schedule is stop selling the sex toys. My last party only netted me $60. In the past I was making $100 to $150 a party so you can see that $60 is quite a drop. Between prepping, and time driving, and gas, it’s just hardly worth the hassle any longer.

Beav has been doing his share of adding stress to my life. Had parent teacher conferences last week for the first time at the new school. On the plus side there are no behavioral issues, which is already a huge improvement. However, he is not doing his homework. He’s barely passing most of his classes. He turns in incomplete work or answers such as ?. Seriously, wtf kind of answer is “?”. When I asked him about it, his answer – “I didn’t feel like doing it.” My response, well I don’t feel like paying all this money for tuition if you’re not willing to do your part. I was pretty harsh but I was so angry. I put it very simply. When it comes down to it, I’ll put the money into my tuition not his, because I know I’ll do the work.

I also told him that if he was committed to being a slacker then he should probably stay at his dads after Christmas break because basically I’ve had it. I’ve committed too much time and energy to helping him and if he’s not going to do his part well then I’m done doing mine. He wants another chance. I love him so much but I’m just tired of providing him with all the tools he needs and having him waste his time…..and mine. He’s so bright, but lazy. He has permanently lost his privilege of watching television or playing on the computer during the week. He’s too distracted as it is. I also cut his social activities a lot and last night kept him home from Boy Scouts so he could study for a test. I did agree to let him go to an outing tonight with this youth group. I do believe that it can’t be all work and no play.

My new kickboxing trainer is KICKING my ass!!!! Which is good. After our first session I was sore for four days. I have stopped sparring though for the time being. Right now I’m just too busy on Saturdays. The fight that I was planning to be involved in takes place on November 7th. A couple of weeks after that sparring will pick up again and I’ll start fresh with that group. I’m still in class though and struggling to getting back to five days a week of training.

Last but not least, I hope people weren’t disturbed by my last post, however, this is my blog and I was working something out that had been bouncing around in my head for awhile. All of life is self-discovery, and every day I learn something new about myself..and I’m constantly changing my way of thinking. That’s why I count myself fortunate to have blogging friends who are so different from me. It all helps me to become a more rounded individual and I thank all of you for that.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Hair of the drug that bit him

Before ya'll think I'm just some whiny bitch, well I am, but that's not the point. In my last post I wasn't just complaining about 5 pounds. I have had another 24 pounds to lose. Now I have 29 pounds to lose. So, you can see five pounds is a big deal.

After about three weeks, we have finally sold hubby's truck. It's a huge F250, longbed, crew cab, diesel. We feel good about the buyers and feel we got a fair price for it. However, with Einstein's car needing to be in the shop, we're down to one car, which with our crazy busy lives, just won't work.

I want a used Jeep Wrangler. I've wanted a Jeep Wrangler for as soon as I can remember. It's my dream car. I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. Somehow in the next two days I need to find one I like and buy it. It's a good thing I work well under pressure. The nice thing is we should be able to buy the Jeep and still stick some away. Although with the way the economy is going maybe I should put the money under my mattress.

Now I'm struggling with a title for this post because normally I use a line from whatever song I am listening to but right now I'm watching House.

Oh sweetness, when will you be mine?

I’m so angry………with myself. I have seriously been out of control. I weigh myself every morning. I understand that for some people, that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing to weigh yourself every day if you’re going to obsess to the point of not eating if your weight is up on a particular day. I don’t have that issue, although sometimes I wish I did.

I am up 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but it’s half the weight I lost since I started kickboxing. All the size smaller clothes I bought are tight. I’m so disgusted with myself I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday two out of three meals were FAST FOOD. Up until recently I rarely touched fast food. Now it’s become a staple. What the hell is that about? The other day I ate a big ass cinnamon roll with a soda for breakfast. This is not who I am. This is just disgusting.
I know that part of the problem is I’m depressed because of my mom. As much as I’d like to think I can get up and say ‘ok, enough with that, things have to change,’ I’m not going to stop being upset. Some people have suggested professional counseling. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think what I’m going through is normal, under the circumstances, and I just need to work through it. So, while I can’t control the myriad of emotions that I constantly feel on a daily basis, I can control how I react to it…..can’t I?

This whole eating thing touches on everything else in my life. I feel like shit physically so then I don’t want to work out. I go to bed early because I just am tired and I don’t feel good. I haven’t been having sex and as much as I’d like to blame it on issues with my hubby I strongly suspect that the real issue is how I feel about myself. Because feeling sexy starts on the inside. No matter what you’re size you can be sexy, if you feel sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I feel sexy on the inside when I know I’m taking care of myself and being healthy.

And that’s another thing. This kind of shit is EXACTLY what killed my mother. It’s part of why I’m so angry with her. She could have been healthy. She could have prevented dying at the age of 60. Had she only taken care of herself, she’d be here today. I can’t even go into all of this right now because it will just make me fall apart and I have to get ready for work. But the bottom line is….if I don’t stop…that’s how I will end up.

Maybe getting all of this out of my head will help. God, I hope so.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

They say time heals everything but I'm still waiting

Apparently my old job is laying off so probably not a good idea to go back there, ha ha ha.

Here’s a random thought. There are over 1800 hundred songs on my IPOD yet when I have it on shuffle it constantly play Christina Aguilera. Very frustrating.

I gave up on the debate tonight. Yes, I understand McCain was in the war and has been to Iraq and Obama wants to give a tax break to 95% of Americans, I get it. I’m just tired of hearing and am anxious to see things HAPPEN.

Had another sex toy party this weekend. It went pretty well, bunch of crazy fun ladies. One order appears to be a cancellation since one attendee conveniently “forgot” her checkbook and I told her I needed payment by today and … payment…..and no return phone call. Sigh, if it’s not one thing it’s another. At least I made a few bucks.

Other than that, it’s been a quiet week here in the diva household. Einstein was in a car accident, he is fine, his car is not. The other driver’s car had no damage and he was kind enough to decline turning it in to insurance unless we wanted to. The insurance company told us the best we could hope for was 50% fault, which wouldn’t benefit us at all because we only have liability on his car and his rates would go up. Lucky for us Einstein has a good friend whose dad owns a body shop, so that will be my fun filled upcoming weekend. I’m glad he’s ok but I’m a bit worried that he doesn’t understand how he could have avoided the accident. This does not fill me with confidence.

Beav has been having issues at school…again. At least they’re not behavioral issues, rather academic ones. It’s just annoying because they could easily be avoided if he weren’t…well….a lazy ass.

I can’t believe I have nothing to blog about. Is my life that boring?

Apparently so.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I promise not to miss you now

I have an announcement. Tonight my husband made dinner and IT WAS GOOD. Ok, it was cheating a bit, cuz I took him here and helped him prep some meals, but still. IT WAS GOOD AND I DIDN’T HAVE TO COOK IT.

Saturday, I headed off to my sex toy party, optimistic that I would make all kinds of sales to help bolster my checking account. Unknown to me, this party was in East Los Angeles. Apparently when you mapquest addresses, it doesn’t identify that you’re headed straight to the ghetto. And before you think I’m some sort of spoiled white suburban pussy…have you been to East Los Angeles? I stick out like nobody’s business. However I arrive safely and can’t find the house. You know how some houses have back houses? Well, apparently this house had like two back houses and her house was the third one. I was able to locate it once I could find someone who spoke English and tell me where it was.

The hostess had told her guests that the party was going to start at 6pm. She was anticipating that everyone would be late so she had me arrive at 7:30, which I did, and realized that there were no guests. None. Zip. And then she tells me she has a stripper coming at 10. We have a very strict policy regarding strippers. We simply require a deposit of $100. If they’re party sells a certain amount they get their $100 back. The reason for this is that because once the man starts ripping off his clothes we often become more of the entertainment and those women spend all their dollars on the nasty, sweaty man in front of them. Hostess tells me she doesn’t have the deposit. My boss tells me to leave. So, I start packing up all my shit and the hostess keeps apologizing that her friends are losers and not showing up and she STARTS CRYING. I keep reassuring her it’s no big deal, she keeps apologizing saying how bad she feels I drove out here for nothing, yada, yada, yada. Finally I look at her and say “look, this is really not worth getting upset over, it’s not that important.” Seriously, get some perspective.

Anyways I ended up driving home, looking really good btw, and not making a damn cent. I hate this economy.

Last, but not least, I have apologized to my husband for behaving like such a miserable bitch. He apologized for being, well, a man. Things are back to normal in the diva household. Just the way I like it.

I almost forgot. Today, I contacted my former employer and asked if I could come back. They have no openings, which sucks. I miss being there for a few reasons. Mostly I miss the great hours. And there is a lot of petty bullshit that goes on in my small office which drives me crazy. I mean there’s shit everywhere but these women act like they’re in high school. But I suppose for now I’ll have to stick it out. I probably just notice it more because I’m there full time. Only two more months until I go back to school full time.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies

Wow, a week has gone by. I'd love to say it's been a glorious week, but it hasn't. It's been a very shitty week. Hubby and I have spent the last few days fighting and to be honest we rarely fight so it's been really difficult. The whole "me going back to work full time and husband taking care of dinner" hasn't been working at all. He just can't seem to get accustomed to the new schedule which drive me NUTS because I’m the schedule queen. If my crackberry ever died I’d have to kill myself go nuts. In my brain I understand that he sucks at schedules and remembering details and shit like that but it still makes me really angry. Because I sat down with my family and again with just him and discussed our new schedules and how things would change and when I’d be home and when I’d be training, etc. And when he “forgets” it just tells me that he doesn’t listen to me.

Ok, now I sound like a nagging wife. I know.

So that and just general depression from this whole stupid grief thing has just been kicking my ass. I’ve ate so much junk food over the past week that I’m embarrassed. As a rule, I eat very healthy during the week. I’m not a calorie counter, as much as I do write down what I eat and stick with healthy items. Sunday is my free day and even then I don’t go hog wild. But the last week….hot wings, pizza, chocolate cake, cookies, munchos, and I even bought, but haven’t ate, ZINGERS. Vanilla zingers are a HUGE weakness for me.

Wait, stop for a minute. Einstein just came home from school. He is doing something “raiders” for JRROTC. Three days a week he has to carry 30lbs in his backpack and then he spends an hour doing all types of physical activity that apparently he can’t tell me about. Apparently it’s some sort of military secret and he has to shoot me or something. But OMG you should see the blisters on his hands, my poor baby. He said three people quit after today. Now I want to know what he has to do. I might have to go on some commando mission. And when I say commando, I mean secretly watching, not going without my underwear you perverts.

Ok, back to Zingers. I don’t have a sweet tooth as a norm but I can’t resist zingers.

Great, now I’m talking about food. And I feel like barfing after seeing the blisters on my baby’s hands. The blisters that he is now picking rocks out of….but then I spend Saturday mornings getting the crap beaten out of me so I suppose I shouldn’t talk.

The husband is currently taunting me with the possibility of seeing Neil Diamond live. Yeah, that’s right I totally have the hots for Neil Diamond, go ahead mock me.

I’m working tomorrow night. Wish me luck. Hopefully I sell a lot of sex toys. LOTS!

Comments below transferred from Livejournal.

myfni wrote:
Sep. 27th, 2008 07:28 am (UTC)
I love neil diamond. And you can forget about your husband remembering ANYTHING. It's not in the male DNA and we're just supposed to accept it or something. Like it's a genetic flaw, oh well--just accept it. Men get away with so much. Lucky for us, we get to be genetically inclined once a month to be a bitch and oh well, they JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT.
Reply Thread Delete Screen Freeze Track This Select: wrote:
Sep. 28th, 2008 11:17 pm (UTC)
If you hadn't had such a crappy week, I would totally pick on you about Neil Diamond. I dunno....maybe it's because my mom was so into him that I just ...can't.I'm really hungry for junk food now.Thanks!

Friday, April 11, 2008

It's been a good week. Whatever grief I was throwing at hubby has stopped. I'm sure he's relieved. I'm having an issue with a girlfriend but I'm not sure I want to go into that now. I'm not sure if I'm just being a bitch or what so obviously I need to overthink it a bit more.

I had my first private lesson in kickboxing today. I told my instructor that I was defintely interested in fighting and bouts so that's what we're working towards. He said I was very coachable and I hope that's a good thing. Of course now, just a few hours later, I'm sore as hell, but it's worth it.