How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I Wish I Could Save My Soul. I'm So Cold From Fear

Today was a day of disappointment. But then, the whole week was that way.

Sparring this morning, one word, UGH. I just feel completely incompetent. I feel like everyone is so much better than I am. Tomorrow is my last day of sparring before the fight and panic exists below the surface, every minute. Not to mention, total rookie move, sparring, moving backwards and I slammed into the mirrored wall. Currently I feel like I was hit by a truck. Someone, remind me why I'm doing this again?

Then the mail arrived. Einstein found out he didn't get his ROTC scholarship. Beaver received a collection notice from the library for four library books that he didn't turn in and were due in February. Again, panic at the college situation. Where am I going to find an extra $15,000 a year? Drove Beav to the library, he turned in his books and I paid the $42 fine which is added to the $64 debt he already owes me because of lunch loans.

I got in the car to head off to run some errands and you know I just wanted to sit in there and cry. But I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go that way and let it all out and do that with someone close to comfort me. But that's not my style. I'm unable to do that. It's just a form of vulnerability that I'm unwilling to let anyone see.

In some way I feel I'm being punished for being a bad person. As if God is throwing all this crap at me because I'm not a good person. So then I drive around and run my errands and think about everything in my life and what God might be disapproving of and that just makes me feel worse.

And I recognize that I'm tired. I'm stretched a little too thin and that makes me more emotional than normal. I'm trying to find a balance between not second guessing my feelings and not over-reacting. That's easier said than done.

Title taken from James Blunt's "Tears and Rain"

Good thing I look good in purple

So.....I'm fighting.

On April 24th.

I'm scared.

I hate to lose.

But I'm afraid I will, cuz somebody has to.

I've been training hard and I'm literally covered in bruises.

Why do I do this again?

Where did my mojo go?

I haven't been able to get back fully into kickboxing since my surgery. I go to my private sessions with my trainer and a class here and there but I've avoided most of the classes and I've stayed away from sparring.

Truth is I'm afraid to go back. Taking six weeks off while everyone else is forging ahead just puts me that far behind. This morning my trainer called me on it. And while I was kicking and hitting the heavy bag I started crying.

Yep, I'm now a total pussy.

In my defense, this is a tough week, hell, it will be a rough couple of months. I'm more than a little emotional. However, attempting to kickbox with snot running down your face, not a good thing. (Sorry for that TMI but this is my blog)

Second truth is I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's holding me back. Obviously he struck a nerve because since this morning I've been more down than I have been in ages. He did call me about an hour after I left and checked in with me. He wanted me to know that he wasn't purposely trying to be mean and I know it's his own way of motivating me.

I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with myself. What happened to the athlete in me?

Finding my way back...the hard way

If you've been following me on twitter and really who doesn't (insert eye roll here) you should know I had shoulder surgery last Monday. More specifically arthroscopic surgery for a bone spur.

I'm not a wimpy girl. I did get this injury from kickboxing. During the past year I've suffered a broken foot and a cracked rib. I consider myself pretty tough. So when the doctor warned me that this surgery is particularly painful afterwards I figured he was exaggerating a bit...or he just didn't understand how tough I am. I had planned to be back at kickboxing tomorrow..a week post surgery.

In fact after the surgery I was feeling not bad at all and surprised that it didn't hurt that much. I wasn't taking into account that the doctor injects anesthetic into the surgical site when he closes it up.

Boy was I wrong. This shit HURTS. Almost a week later and I still can't lift my left arm above my chest. The pain is constant and the only reprieve is the hour that I'm hooked up to the cold compression therapy machine (I'm sure there's a shorter name for it, but whatever). I am supposed to sit with this machine seven times a day. That means I'm supposed to sit idle for seven hours a day. I have no idea how to do that.

I have been given Vicodin to help with the pain but it makes me itch and I start to resemble a crack addict scratching at herself. I stopped taking it but gave in again when the pain became unbearable. I halved the dose and that seems to help. For those of you who are worried about addiction possibility, I'm taking two Vicodin A DAY so I think I'm ok. I don't take it at night because I am one of the people that Vicodin keeps awake. Yep, no drowsy here. About two hours after I take the pill I'm very much awake which is why on Monday night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. Seriously, had I not just had surgery I could have gotten up and made an entire Thanksgiving meal, that's how alert I was.

I'm not even going to talk about the mounds of work I brought home with me thinking I was going to get everything done this week. I've hardly touched it.

On the plus side I was able to catch up on a lot of reading and Dexter.

On the down side when I'm bored, I eat. Sitting around, eating and not being able to work out - I feel like the Pillsbury doughboy.

I guess I thought the doc would go in there, fix the problem and I'd feel all better. I didn't realize that there would be a time delay for the "feel all better" part.

Hopefully this will make my left cross stronger than ever.

And it does help with my priorities. I've neglected a lot of things I do for me - reading, blogging, reading blogs, etc, because of work. The truth is I'll never be caught up. I can only do what I can do and beating myself up about it doesn't help at all.

And I'm going to do a vision board. A visual reminder of my goals, dreams, and aspirations.

Because somewhere along the way I lost my way.

No train of thought here

So, I'm in a ridiculously good mood. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's exhaustion. I've hardly slept all week and I'm hoping to crash tonight. Otherwise tomorrow's sparring session will be brutal.

Well, I know a little bit about why I'm in a good mood but not going to share it here. Just not ready and I'm not sure this is the place. Even though it's my blog. HAHA.

This seems like the longest week ever. Probably the lack of sleep. It just dragged and dragged. And it's month end which means a ton more work to do which is why I brought some home. But not tonight. Took a Soma earlier and I'm hoping to be unconscious soon.

Work is definitely getting better. There is still a lot to get done but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I use to. We've taken care of a lot of problems and even though we still have a lot of work to do I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I remember just a couple of months ago thinking I couldn't survive this but here I am.

All I can say is thank God for psychotherapy and kickboxing!!

I'm not sure I've mentioned it but my kids have been gone for the summer and can I tell you how much I miss them!!!! OMG, like crazy. Einstein will be here in a couple of weeks for to pick up his school schedule but then he goes back up north until September 5th. Hubby and I had better get our partying done, now.

This week I discovered blip.fm. How fun to discover all kinds of different music. How expensive as I find myself purchasing said music all week. I can't help it, music just moves me. Corny, I know but I think it's because verbally I suck at expressing myself and sometimes songs just say what I can't.

Next week should be interesting. My front office person is taking a much needed vacation which leaves the new employee who isn't working out so well. He's very sweet and very polite but just doesn't seem to have the ability to multi-task. How many times can you put a person on hold and keep asking them questions? I am trying to be patient but if he doesn't step up next week I'm not sure he's going to last. That is not the fun part of my job.

I'm really not sure what the fun part is yet.

Why I sleep on the bathroom floor

I'm alive...barely.

Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.

My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.

It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.

The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.

Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.

The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.

I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.

I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.

In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.

These Wounds are Self Inflicted

I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.

I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.

In the meantime, here's the scoop:

VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.

Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.

Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.

Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:

Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"

Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."

Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"

Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).

Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."

Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."

TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.

So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.

Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.

School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.

BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.

I know there was a Saturday in there somewhere.

Did a weekend happen? Because I'm pretty sure I missed it.

Saturday I had three hours of kickboxing. One hour of class and then two straight hours of sparring. Two hours of full contact. I haven't been full contact since I broke my foot..well except for that day where I tried to snap my calf in two but you know how that went.

I am literally covered in bruises from my stomach down. The one on my stomach is the worse. It's big and purple and very angry looking. Hubby asked if I was sure something wasn't broken it looked that bad. I got kicked in the crotch, which has never happened before and there is a bit of purpling there. Add a huge one on my left thigh, a nasty one above the knee, about four on the inside of my thigh and then my right leg is peppered with small ones from the kneecap down.

It's beautiful. My trainer told me though that I gave as good as I got and that made me feel a lot better. It's not how I look, it's how the other guy looks, lol. Nevermind that I spent most of Sunday wearing an icyhot patch on my back.

My dad arrived Saturday evening and we spent all day Sunday out. We headed off to the Simi Valley to go to the Reagan Presidential Library. I really love this museum and never get tired of going there. I was especially excited because they are displaying the Magna Carta and how many times in your life do you get to see that? I love that my boys love history and get a kick out of it. We took the long way back via Ventura (stopped and did a little shopping, shocking I know), headed up Highway 1 and returned to Long Beach for a great lobster dinner at Gladstones.

It was a really great day and I was amazed that we were home by 8. I was exhausted so I decided to not take a sleeping pill. I regretted this decision as I lay there wide awake until about 1:30 in the morning. I belive I got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. I really wish I could just switch of my mind because it was going a million miles a minute last night. I HATE THAT. I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday who will hopefully give me some sleeping meds that can help me in the short term without becoming addictive.

I was so not myself that I ended up posting here a lot more information than I intended to and if you didn't get a chance to read it, it's gone now I have a private blog for that sort of crap.

It didn't help that today w e n t s u p e r s l o w. Ugh.

If you read my tweets, then you know that I am a horrible Ebay addiction. It's mostly vintage hats and workout gear. The other day I emailed a seller that I had paid on January 13th. No email letting me know that the item had been shipped and worse than that..no item. On the item page it reads "I SHIP FROM THE STATES ONCE A WEEK. I DRIVE DOWN FROM CANADA. It is cheaper than from Canada. This is for US and Canadian customers. Please when leaving feedback, do not mark shipping as slow. This will effect my selling ability and it isn't slow if you are aware of my shipping practice" Ok. So now it's the 26th, which is almost two weeks since I paid for the item. I ask if it's been shipped. This is the response I get "Hi there, I am so sorry. I don't know why your parcel got missed on my last trip to the States. As per item description I ship weekly. I have a home service for women in treatment and so I had someone helping me that turned out to be not so helpful. I am going back down tomorrow and will send it. Please, I ask you to not mark the shipping as slow. This will effect my selling ability. Sorry again, I drive to the States to save my customers money and it seems to be biting me in the butt. "

I would like to point out that by the seller's own admission my item was not shipped. My item was missed. Then she asks me to lie. I shouldn't mark the item as slow because this could hurt her. So I respond with a comment that what if I hadn't emailed her. I remind her that this item is late because of a mistake. Not because of her own unique shipping policy. And this is the nice response I get "I emailed everyone today to let them know of my shipping plans. As per item description I ship weekly anyways to save my customers money. I drive down to the States. Do what you have to. "

Isn't that sweet. She admits she forgot my item (yes I know I said it before but humor me) then gets upset when I seem to have an issue with this. So I kindly responded that she could refund me my money, including shipping, and then I wouldn't leave negative feedback and I would never buy from her again. Win, win.

Still waiting for a response.

My father is laughing at the entire exchange.

And I really wanted the hat.

Thursday Ten

1. Happy New Year! I hope everyone had the celebration they wanted. Hubby and I went to one of our favorite wine bars and enjoyed a wonderful four course meal...well kind of. Our fourth course never arrived. However, we know the owner and she'll take care of us next time we go in.

2. I was shocked by how I could barely stay awake until midnight. I knew I should have taken a nap but I didn't expect to be that tired. Hubby and I were home and in bed by about 12:45. I slept until 10am which is unheard of.

3. I had a second interview with the company I interviewed with last week. I was not impressed. I just didn't get a good vibe. The COO was asking me questions about my time at different jobs because she stated she needed that information, however it was on my resume AND on the application I filled out. Not to mention that halfway during the interview they realized that I was interviewing for one position and they were interviewing me for another.

4. This means I had some decisions to make. If I leave my present job to work full time than that means no school. School starts Monday. If I start school I'm not going to drop. I'm taking some heavy classes and I don't like to do anything less than 110 percent (well other than blog, apparently).

5. So hubby and I chatted about it for quite a while during our dinner last night. I know, deep down, that if I don’t go back to school this semester, then I’m not going back. On the other hand, I’m not sure we can afford for me to only work part time. BUT I feel strongly that school and working part time is what God has planned for me…..and if it is I’m hoping that he will began to make things more pleasant for me at work.

6. There are SO many things about my present employer that I hate. But there are some things that make it ok. It’s flexible. It’s close. They pay me pretty well for working part time. I am currently experience two paid four day weekends in a row. VERY NICE.

7. I don’t really believe in doing New Year’s Resolutions. I like to think that you can start each day as a new start. But I do have some goals that I would like to accomplish.

8. I would like to get in the habit of waking up early every morning and spending some time with the book “Purpose Driven Life.” I feel that I need to spend some time meditating, praying, and just getting to know the inner me a little bit better.

9. The best part about this four day weekend is that I really have nothing planned. We are supposed to go to a casual party Saturday night and the boys don’t come back until Sunday night. Other than kickboxing I don’t have anywhere I need to be. Hell, I didn’t shower today until 4pm.

10. I like bowl games, I do, but how many does the hubby expect me to watch in one day? At this point they are all blended together and I can’t even keep track anymore. Besides, my favorite part is the marching bands. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.

Thursday Ten

1. Taking a week of off kickboxing kicks my ass. I’ve only gone twice this week and tomorrow I have my session with my trainer. I have a feeling that I won’t be able to walk afterwards. However, as I see the scale go lower, it’s all worth it.

2. I really don’t know what to do about work. I’m afraid to make any big decisions because I understand that emotionally, I’m not all there. So part of me isn’t sure that I’m unhappy because of all the other circumstances or am I unhappy because things at work really suck.

3. I’ve been working on a list of pros and cons. That’s normally how I make a lot of decisions.

4. Pros – flexibility, if I need to leave early, come in late, it’s not that big of a deal. I can work part time so I can go to school. It’s close to home, no long commute.

5. Cons – everytime someone in the office doesn’t want to deal with something, it gets pushed onto to me. Everyone seems nice but they really talk shit about everybody behind their backs. I can only imagine what they say about me. The office isn’t conducted in as professional a manner as I would like.

6. The biggest (possible) con is that I’m unhappy. But am I unhappy because of work or because of the other stuff or is it a little bit of both?

7. Can you tell that I totally OVERTHINK things? Ugh, it’s a horrible trait. I do it during kickboxing too, and that’s a bad trait to have when someone is wearing boxing gloves and is looking forward to punching you.

8. The hardest part of all of this is not being able to get a handle on my emotional state. Normally when things are tough I can talk myself into a positive state of mind. I normally NEVER waste time feeling sorry for myself. In fact every morning I get up and think to myself that ‘today will be a better day’ which lasts for about two hours.

9. But heck, at least I keep trying.

10. This weekend is the Belmont Shore Christmas Parade. I hate to deal with all the people and the crowds but Einstein is in it and what kind of mom would be if I stayed home? Other than that, it should be a quiet weekend. I hope to finish the rest of my Christmas shopping because this is the LAST quiet weekend I have before Christmas.

Monday Musings

Just some random thoughts....I have recently come to understand (and when I say recently I mean the last two minutes) why it's important to save your post while typing. Somehow I managed to delete everything I typed with just a quick flash of my hand.

I didn't go to kickboxing tonight and I can't go tomorrow and Wednesday I leave to go to my dad's house. I'm convinced that in a space of a week I will have lost the little muscle tone I have and resemble a beached whale. Yes, I know this is irrational and crazy. How on earth am I going to avoid eating like a pig when a)I will be around my sister who snacks like crazy and yet never gains a pound thanks to breastfeeding; b)it's our first Thanksgiving without my mom and I am an emotional eater. Why cry when I can stuff my face with pie? and c)my sister and I plan to shop on black Friday which means - FOOD COURT, need I say more?

My animals are in cahoots to drive me batty. Sid, the dog, has learned to UNZIP my gym bag. In the past two days he has ate a protein bar, my chapstick, and my mouthpiece. Edward, the cat, has decided the ONLY place to sleep is wrapped around my head. Apparently I have a very warm head. For the record, both my animals were adopted and already named. I would have never picked Sidney and Edward.

Twitter sometimes annoys the hell out of me. At first I had everyone I was following set up so that their updates when to my phone, but seriously, some people just twitter to hear themselves speak. I don't think I twitter all that much but then I don't often feel I have anything interesting to say. I have become much more picky in who I follow via SMS however I am sure that Veriz@n regrets offering me the unlimited text option on my crackberry.

You know how they say "don't judge a book by it's cover?" Well, I do. Books, that is. I love to read and make frequent trips to the library. I do pick my books my their covers and I must say lately my judgement sucks!!! However, once I start a book I force myself to finish it. I think that on some level the book will end up redeeming itself, which rarely happens. My current bad choice is Banishing Verona by Margot Livesey. I just can't get into it.

And that ends another Monday

Oh sweetness, when will you be mine?

I’m so angry………with myself. I have seriously been out of control. I weigh myself every morning. I understand that for some people, that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing to weigh yourself every day if you’re going to obsess to the point of not eating if your weight is up on a particular day. I don’t have that issue, although sometimes I wish I did.

I am up 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but it’s half the weight I lost since I started kickboxing. All the size smaller clothes I bought are tight. I’m so disgusted with myself I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday two out of three meals were FAST FOOD. Up until recently I rarely touched fast food. Now it’s become a staple. What the hell is that about? The other day I ate a big ass cinnamon roll with a soda for breakfast. This is not who I am. This is just disgusting.
I know that part of the problem is I’m depressed because of my mom. As much as I’d like to think I can get up and say ‘ok, enough with that, things have to change,’ I’m not going to stop being upset. Some people have suggested professional counseling. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think what I’m going through is normal, under the circumstances, and I just need to work through it. So, while I can’t control the myriad of emotions that I constantly feel on a daily basis, I can control how I react to it…..can’t I?

This whole eating thing touches on everything else in my life. I feel like shit physically so then I don’t want to work out. I go to bed early because I just am tired and I don’t feel good. I haven’t been having sex and as much as I’d like to blame it on issues with my hubby I strongly suspect that the real issue is how I feel about myself. Because feeling sexy starts on the inside. No matter what you’re size you can be sexy, if you feel sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I feel sexy on the inside when I know I’m taking care of myself and being healthy.

And that’s another thing. This kind of shit is EXACTLY what killed my mother. It’s part of why I’m so angry with her. She could have been healthy. She could have prevented dying at the age of 60. Had she only taken care of herself, she’d be here today. I can’t even go into all of this right now because it will just make me fall apart and I have to get ready for work. But the bottom line is….if I don’t stop…that’s how I will end up.

Maybe getting all of this out of my head will help. God, I hope so.