Saturday, February 21, 2009

My bladder and my dad, but not together

So, while I'm sitting in urgent care (possible bladder infection), I might as well update. God, I love technology.

My sister called me last night very angry, not at me, but at my father, who has obviously lost his mind. He called her to let her know he was coming back down here (southern California) to see my mom's cousin again. Apparently, to use his words, its become "serious."

Look, I understand lonely. Find yourself a f&$€ buddy. Don't tell your children, who are still majorly mourning the loss of their mother, that you're serious about another woman. Because what we hear is "I found someone to replace your mom.". I know that's not what he means but that's what we hear.

Last night I dropped my classes. It means two "W" on my transcript, but I think I can take the hit. I dropped three out of four and the three I dropped aren't necessary for my transfer. The class I kept is but doesn't start until the middle of next month. I just can't seem to get my crap together. The psychologist says that its normal to be like this for at least a year. I hate it. I spent all day Monday working ahead and then on Thursday I submitted homework for the chapter that isn't due until next week. Basically I turned in the wrong homework and she doesn't accept late work unless I give her advance notice. I was already dinged for missing another assignment and I decided the W was better than an C. I hate feeling so disorganized all the time. Its so unlike me and it angers me.

Then there is the crap with my job. Last week my boss told everyone she was cutting their hours. She wants everyone to cut four hours. I don't work full time as it is so this is an issue. I started thinking that maybe it was time to find a new job full time. The extra money would be nice. But, even with the issues I have at work, there are a lot of positives. Its very flexible, if I need time off or have to leave because of something with my kids, its never a big deal. And I make pretty good hourly wage for my field. And they let me work part time which allows me to stay in school. Yesterday I talked to my boss about the cut and how many hours she wanted me to work. She told me to keep it at 30 hours or less a week. That is what I work now, before the cut. So, um, yeah its cool. I told hubby that I was inclined to stay where I was at. This job, even with its issues, allows me to have other priorities - my family, school, training.

I still have interviews scheduled and I will keep those. They were arranged by a headhunter and it makes her look bad if I cancel. Besides you never know, something fabulous might come up.

I'm going to go pee in a cup now.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A New Face Every Day

I finished one of my grief books today "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye." Excellent book. So helpful in terms of knowing that I really am not losing my mind. This book also asserts that while there are different grief phases, nobody goes through them the same way and it's normal to not go through them as listed.

I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.

I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).

Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.

It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.

Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.

In the meantime I leave you with this:

"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"

Sunday, February 15, 2009

These Wounds are Self Inflicted

I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.

I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.

In the meantime, here's the scoop:

VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.

Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.

Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.

Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:

Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"

Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."

Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"

Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).

Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."

Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."

TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.

So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.

Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.

School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process. you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Put a Fork in Me, I'm Done

You know, I really thought I was making progress.

Then my dad showed up. God forbid he came down here to see me. Nope arrived this evening and leaving tomorrow morning at 6am.

Because he has a date with my mom's cousin tomorrow night. A date on Valentine's day. My mom hasn't even been dead six fucking months.

And he doesn't understand why I'm upset. And apparently he doesn't understand the words "I don't want to talk about it."

LESS THAN SIX MONTHS. But for me it was yesterday. I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up. I seriously just want to shut down. I'm so done with all this crap.

I can't believe he drove four hundred miles to go on a date. I really don't think I'm being silly. LESS THAN SIX MONTHS.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy

Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:

To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.

Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."

Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.

Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.

Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.

My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.

The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.

After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.

Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.

Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.

It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.