Sunday, April 12, 2009


Grief sucks. There is no way around it. I forget how holidays really tend to screw me up and yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.

To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.

He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.

And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.

This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.

Grief sucks.

I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.

In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.

Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.

So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Thursday Ten - Work and Psychotherapy Edition

I thought instead of trying to catch up on everything happening I would just summarize in a Thursday Ten.

1. Out of the last twenty-six days I have worked twenty-four of them. This is not a good thing. Especially since I'm now salary and when I sat down and figured it out I am making less now than I was when I was just a regular office staffer. Yesterday when I had my psych appointment the psychologist put her foot down about me putting my foot down. So, today I sat down and worked out a work schedule that still has me working a lot, but a bit more realistic because in her words "I need a life."

2. One of the casualties of more work is less working out. This is starting to freak me out because I have a fight coming up five weeks from Saturday. My trainer keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine but ACK, I am freaking out!!

3. In my desire to "get a life" I have started my own local wine club. It's something that I've been thinking about and one of my girlfriends told me to basically just do it, so I did. Check out the D'Vine Divas here.

4. Speaking of the psychologist my father has not managed to drive me crazy in the last few days. He took his "new" family to Knotts Berry Farm last Friday, that was fun to explain to my kids. They were all like why hasn't grandpa ever taken us to Knotts Berry Farm? How do you answer that?

5. As if my kids haven't had enough to deal with my son's step-mother's mother, basically their step-grandma, just died the other day of brain cancer. Einstein is as stoic as ever. Beav, on the other hand, is a bit of a wreck. This is the third death they've had to deal with since July. That's just nuts.

6. One of my employees asked me today if she could get her nose pierced and I said sure. It seemed hypocritical of me to say no since mine is pierced. Hope the doctor's don't mind. But they did make me the boss.

7. Speaking of doctors, one of the ones I work for began behaving like a total ass and screamed at me on the phone yesterday. Unfortunately my husband was in my office when this occurred and he was none too happy. I believe he mentioned words such as "chicken shit."

8. Tomorrow night I plan to go to my first Long Beach tweet up. I'm kinda excited although I can't stay out very late because I train on Saturday morning.

9. Saturday night I'm going here with one of my girlfriends. I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since the night my mom died. There is a lot less of me now so it will be interesting to see how people respond.

10. The best thing about the upcoming weekend - I am not working!