Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's A Wonderful Life...Isn't It?

I seriously underestimated how difficult Christmas would be. Thanksgiving was tough, but easier because I was with my family. Knowing my sister, brothers, and my dad will all be together while I'm here, well, it sucks. I was hoping going to the Christmas Eve service would help but I ended up crying during the whole thing. This has just been a sucky week and felt like it was seven days instead of just three. Part of my biggest issue with grief has been my inability to control my emotions. It's as if I'm on hyperdrive. A consequence of this is that I constantly second guess everything I feel and do. If something upsets or angers me, am I legitimately upset or angry, or am I overreacting? I go through this process with EVERYTHING and its excruciating.

A secondary effect of this condition is that I tend to excuse the bad behavior of other’s. If someone mistreats me, is rude, etc, I tend to make excuses for them. Because, maybe I’m just being super sensitive. Or maybe they’re having a rough day. OR MAYBE THEY’RE JUST BEING AN ASS.

That’s what I really need to realize.

I’ve been doing this with some of the girls I work with. I’ve tried hard, maybe too hard, to be friendly, part of the gang, etc. It’s not working. My boss came out of her office the other day and announces to me that we (the billing dept) need to do a better job of collecting copays. We need to make sure that we’re doing a better job of telling the girls up front which patients on the schedule have a copay. So I mention that ever day I do indeed mark copays on the schedule up front. The same schedule that the girls at the front desk have to check every time a patient signs in. So then my office mate says that perhaps we should make a point to check up front for the patients so that we can collect the copay. I tell her that is seriously f’d up. How can we do our job and get up, leave our office, and check to see if the patient is here? It’s just as easy for the girls at the front desk to check off the patient and let us know. Of course the reasonable expectation would be that the girls at the front desk would actually ask for the copay, but they seem to have some aversion to that.

Anyway, the next day I received the silent treatment from half the girls in the office. It felt like I was in high school and seriously pissed me off. This would be the same day I brought in my Christmas gifts for the office staff. They couldn’t break their silent treatment to say thanks.

On the flip side is my overreaction to things. I tried to make what I thought was a joke to a friend and she sent me an email letting me know she didn’t appreciate. I immediately responded with an apology and then literally spent the rest of the day agonizing over what I had done. Which is ridiculous. I made a joke, there was certainly no ill will intended and she didn’t like it. Why am I beating myself up about it. She let me know how she felt, I respect that. We’re friends, best friends, and this really isn’t the end of the world. But for me, it’s like picking at a hangnail. I just can’t relax and let things go.

I just can’t keep putting myself through this. It’s exhausting and stressful. I just keep thinking things will get easier, but it doesn’t. Maybe I should just accept this and learn to deal with it.

In other news I think a skunk has set up residence under my house, more specifically under my bedroom.


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