I'm exhausting and exhausted.

I think that sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to be able to pull yourself up. I thought that the week of Christmas I had done that.

Apparently I was wrong. Because rock bottom occurred at my house last night. I won't describe it, it wasn't pretty. It started with Beav presenting me with a progress report from Math reflecting he is earning an F. Why? Because he has not turned in any homework. I know he does his homework because I check it every night. Yet somehow between our dining room table and his school bag it disappears.

Apparently this was just too much stress for me to handle and I had a complete meltdown.

Today, I'm exhausted and embarrassed but I feel ok. I still think therapy is necessary but I am absolutely certain that I never want to repeat what occured last night. That alone is motivation enough to get my shit together.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had plans with this person. I had to cancel and only told her that it was due to an emergency. Later I called to apologize but she didn't answer. However, she text'd me in response to my message about a minute later so it's obvious she didn't answer because she didn't want to.

This led to an exchange of text messages that ended with her saying some very cruel things. The ironic thing is that she said being my friend is exhausting. This is someone who hasn't spoken to me in three months. This is someone who, every time we went anywhere together, I had to drive because she just refused to. And yes, she helped with gas, etc, but still even if we were going somewhere where I live I had to drive where she lives, pick her up and bring her back to where I live. This is someone who I sat with all night while she threw up and sent text messages that I later deleted because who wants to be reminded of drunk texting?

Yet, I'm exhausting. When I called her the day my mom died she barely said a word. She never called me during the week to see how I was doing. She sent me a text message! And in reality we wouldn't have started talking again if I hadn't contacted her. And we stopped being in touch because I was always the one reaching out and she never was.

She hit below the belt with the exhausting comment because I know that right now, I am exhausting. I don't mean to be. I hate it and if I could change it I would. What I do know though is that if any of my friends were really hurting I would do ANYTHING to help. I would call, send cards, remind them that I'm there every chance I had. There have been times when my friends have said hurtful things. Sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes they are just being honest, and sometimes I'm just too sensitive. And when that happens I let it go.

But this wasn't being hurtful. This was being mean. And it took every bit of self restraint I have (and I don't have a lot) not to reply with some pretty horrible missives. I could have taken it really low and part of me wanted to, but I just couldn't.

The worst part is that this is someone I really shared a lot of personal things with. My inclination is to keep more things to myself. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I can't trust people. And I hate feeling like I have the worst instincts about others.

That's a lot of hate.

But even now, I'm ok.

Thursday Ten, The Science Edition

1. I'm officially in therapy, ugh. Seriously, she looked like she was twelve. I'm not entirely sure I'm going to stick with her but I committed to going back next week. If I don't stick with her I will go with one of the other referrals I got today.

2. She thinks that part of my problem is that I'm just exhausted because I don't sleep well and consequently I don't rest. She has asked me to see a psychiatrist to try a different sleeping aid since the Ambien hasn't been helpful.

3. She also asked me how I felt about antidepressants and I nixed that idea. I do believe that antidepressants can be helpful but my depression is situational. And I know that what I'm going through, I need to deal with. Masking my symptoms isn't going to help.

4. Apparently I've also put myself in a position where I'm extremely uncomfortable really opening up to others. She doesn't think I have a support system. I felt the need to stand up for my friends, because they have been fabulous. However I explained to her that I can't ask them to repeatedly hear me cry about issues with my mom. I mean, really, if I were them I'd be like 'get over it already.'

5. I'm also very angry, duh. And more angrier than I thought. I was really saying some negative things about my mom and then I felt bad because I shouldn't be saying bad things about someone who is dead. It was a real eye opener though, because I had no idea how far back my anger went.

6. After that I had a short meeting with a commitee at Einstein's school. They're doing an event very similar to an event I've worked at for the past six years. I was able to offer a lot of helpful insight and it felt so good to feel useful.

7. Then I had to stay for the PTSA meeting because the school group I'm involved in needs to be represented and our Chair couldn't make it and I'm second in command.

8. I spent most of the meeting staring at a new science teacher who caught my eye because I caught him staring at me. He was really cute except for when he kept touching his feet (he was wearing flip flops) and I have foot issues. He had some nice tattoos on his arms and I found myself making stupid jokes so that he would laugh and notice me. How old am I again?

9. Afterwards this other parent, who was annoying, kept butting into a conversation I was having regarding our event (which I need to name here). We were discussing press releases and she kept harping about how she knew someone over at one of our small local papers and I just couldn't help myself. So I casually mentioned 'have you heard of Relay for Life' because seriously who hasn't? And of course the answer was yes. So then I dropped the bomb, 'well it's first year here in Long Beach, I did all their marketing and public relations.' Annoying parent had nothing to say after that. HA! How old am I again?

10. But it did feel good to remind myself that I have done a lot of really good things...and as a volunteer. I have a lot of talents that I have forgotten about. I've spent so much time recently putting myself down and in reality I've accomplished a lot. I came home in good spirits and that felt REALLY good.