Friday, July 31, 2009

No train of thought here

So, I'm in a ridiculously good mood. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's exhaustion. I've hardly slept all week and I'm hoping to crash tonight. Otherwise tomorrow's sparring session will be brutal.

Well, I know a little bit about why I'm in a good mood but not going to share it here. Just not ready and I'm not sure this is the place. Even though it's my blog. HAHA.

This seems like the longest week ever. Probably the lack of sleep. It just dragged and dragged. And it's month end which means a ton more work to do which is why I brought some home. But not tonight. Took a Soma earlier and I'm hoping to be unconscious soon.

Work is definitely getting better. There is still a lot to get done but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I use to. We've taken care of a lot of problems and even though we still have a lot of work to do I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I remember just a couple of months ago thinking I couldn't survive this but here I am.

All I can say is thank God for psychotherapy and kickboxing!!

I'm not sure I've mentioned it but my kids have been gone for the summer and can I tell you how much I miss them!!!! OMG, like crazy. Einstein will be here in a couple of weeks for to pick up his school schedule but then he goes back up north until September 5th. Hubby and I had better get our partying done, now.

This week I discovered How fun to discover all kinds of different music. How expensive as I find myself purchasing said music all week. I can't help it, music just moves me. Corny, I know but I think it's because verbally I suck at expressing myself and sometimes songs just say what I can't.

Next week should be interesting. My front office person is taking a much needed vacation which leaves the new employee who isn't working out so well. He's very sweet and very polite but just doesn't seem to have the ability to multi-task. How many times can you put a person on hold and keep asking them questions? I am trying to be patient but if he doesn't step up next week I'm not sure he's going to last. That is not the fun part of my job.

I'm really not sure what the fun part is yet.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's not me, It's you

I've been doing a lot of thinking about friendships. Dealing with a life changing experience (grief, childbirth, marriage, etc) will teach you a lot about friendships. Friends that I thought would always be there turned out not to be. And friends that were always solid in the background really stepped up.

I have a hard time letting go of friendships. I'm fiercely loyal to people I care about. And I will try to salvage a friendship that I feel is worthy.

One of the friends that I have lost I have mentioned on here previously. We use to have so much fun together. She could be a bit high maintenance because she wouldn't drive anywhere so if we were going out together I would have to drive. However, she always helped pay for gas or she'd pick up a meal, etc. She was an excellent shopping buddy, which I feel can be difficult to find.

Back in January on the night I really hit rock bottom she and I had plans to go out. I don't believe we had seen each other since before my mom died. In fact we had only recently reconnected after losing touch. Her response to my mom's death was to text me periodically to ask me how I was doing and that kind of bothered me. I initiated contact with her and consequently we made plans. Unfortunately that was a night from hell and I had to cancel our plans.

The conversation, via text, didn't go well. I don't remember all the details but I remember me lashing out a bit that we only had plans because I had made the attempt and her response was that it was work being my friend. And yes it was. Hello, my mom died. Grieving. It's not an excuse, it just is.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about her and sent her an email. I would have preferred to send a letter or card but I deleted her address. So I sent a short email apologizing for what had happened and telling her that I miss how much fun we had together. I sent it Friday afternoon and received a response on Monday morning. She mentioned how she appreciated my apology because she knows it's difficult to do so.

Apparently she didn't feel the need to apologize for her part. And that really bothered me. And then I realized that a)I wasn't surprised and b)I wasn't missing anything. And it got me to thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently.

We both have had to let go of a common friend. She brought up the point that this particular friend had no long term friends in her life. No girlfriends from high school, etc. I started thinking about that. I have friends in my life that go back to junior high school. We don't talk every day. In fact, we can go for weeks without talking. But if need be I can pick up the phone and say "help" and they'll answer. I have friends that were in my first wedding in 1989.

So, I wasn't surprised that I didn't receive an apology or an attempt to reconnect because this person also has no long term friends. With both these individuals it's painfully obvious that perhaps they don't know how to be a really good friend or they don't understand the value of a true best friend.

To be fair to the common friend, she really stepped up the night my mom died. I will give her that. I appreciate it like nobodys business. But she also thrives on those kinds of situations. The whole "saving the day" thing. I've known her for a few years and we've not only been friends but served on boards together and she's never really truly committed to anything. She'll step up but once she's bored, or it doesn't serve her purpose, or she's just not "feeling it" she quits.

And while I hate losing friends, do I really need these types of people in my life? Someone once told me that one of my biggest faults was that I often expected others to behave as I do. That is, if I treat a friend a certain way, I expect that friend to treat me the same. I disagree. If I send a friend a card, just because, I don't sit around waiting for them to send me one.

However, I am allowed to have expectations. I am allowed to expect to be treated a certain way. I would hope that my friends have expectations from me. And I hope that if I don't they'll step up and let me know.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

"Life is too short"

"Life is to short." - an easy solution for everything? Someone said that to me tonight as a justification for me to accept the situation with my dad. It really pissed me off.

First - this person is someone I admire and respect a lot. I don't doubt that he cares about my feelings, but, I didn't ask for his opinion.

I'm not a stupid person. I'm not without feelings. I'm not heartless or cold. In fact a majority of the time I put my feelings on the back burner. A lot of the time I "take one for the team."

I'm not going to spend the rest of my days refusing to acknowledge that my father has someone in his life. I fully understand that I have to come to terms with it. However, I also fully understand that I have my own issues right now. I am experiencing a lot of pain and it really sucks. I would love nothing more than to stop feeling the way I do. BUT, a big reason that I am having such a hard time is because I spent five months shoving all these feelings down. That didn't work out so well for me. So, like it or not I have no choice but to deal with it now.

So, let me deal with it. Let me work through this. I think I'm doing a good job. I have professional help. I talk about my feelings, I've come a long way. Right now I have the choice to not deal with my dad's new life. I choose to deal with that when I'm ready. On my terms - not someone elses. Yes, I know life is too short, trust me I've learned that lesson well. I just don't see it as an excuse to avoid my own issues just because I might not have a chance later on. That's a risk I have to take.

I can't start a new chapter without finishing the one I'm in. I haven't been able to say goodbye. I didn't say goodbye at the funeral. I didn't say goodbye at the gravesite. I haven't said goodbye. And until I do whatever is going on with my dad will have to wait.

I don't spend every waking moment thinking about my mom being gone. In fact several times a day, several times a week, I find myself wanting to share things with her only to remember that I can't pick up the phone and call her. I like it like that.

For me, saying goodbye means she's really gone. It means that I've accepted that my mom is really gone. And as crazy and illogical as it sounds I just can't do that. I know I have to. The anniversary looms ahead and I know that it's time to say goodbye. I know it's time to start the new chapter.

I've spent forty years having a mom around. Accepting otherwise, it's unbelievably painful. The reality is people die everyday...and people move on. I know I will move on. I just wish people would let me do that on my terms.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I'm leaving out the part about the bar and the rodeo boys

Yes, it's been almost a month since I've blogged. In my defense I was camping for eight days. EIGHT days, by the way, is too long to live in a trailer with no bathroom doors and two boys and a husband.

We went to Bridgeport, California. A spot that hubby's father and other members of his family travel to every year around the fourth. We've gone in the past, but never consistently and we're looking forward to making it a habit. We spend the week fishing, hiking, and doing day trips. We took the jeep this time and had a blast taking it off road. Unfortunately we didn't catch a lot of fish. Hubby only caught one and Beav caught two. Not a good record considering our fishing successes in the past.

After my mom died I had told my dad that he should come enjoy the week with us. My mom hated camping and I know during the past few years my father hadn't been able to go as often as he would have liked. Not to mention it's a great opportunity for him to enjoy some great quality time with the boys.

Our week at the campground went from Saturday to Saturday. We were scheduled to check out on the 4th and relocate to a hotel in town. My father arrived in town on Thursday afternoon. I drove into town to find him (not difficult to do, one main street). Immediately he needed my phone to call his girlfriend, sigh.

I took him to a great abandoned mine that we had recently learned about. You can only access it with an off road vehicle and it's a great chance to see some beautiful scenery. As expected, he loved it. Later, we hooked up with the rest of the family and grabbed some dinner. He started talking about how we was probably going to leave the next day. I was confused and asked why he would drive for seven hours and stay only twenty-four? My son's told him that he would be missing all the real fun, 4th of July pancake breakfast, parade, etc. His response was that he would have to call his girlfriend and ask if it was ok. SIGH.

He stayed until right after the parade the morning of the 4th and then left. Before he arrived I did a lot of thinking. He is now living down in Southern California, about an hour and half away from me. I don't want us to be distant. I really thought that maybe I could handle the whole girlfriend thing.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm 40-years-old. I have seen my father with my mother my entire life. I am just not ready for this. And I'm so freakin' tired of everyone else telling me I'm wrong and how I should feel. And I'm angry that my father leaves me and his grandchildren to spend time with this woman's sons.

And my children were angry too.

Other than the issue with my father it was a great trip and even though I ended up having to drive into town and check into work a couple of times I did get to relax. I had no idea that I was so stressed. I returned to work feeling so relaxed and optimistic. Apparently this whole "vacation" idea is a good one.

Oh yeah, and the fireworks were cool too.