Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Wordless Wednesday, does it count if there are captions

This is what your feet look like after constantly training for a fight. Be grateful I didn't take pictures of the bottoms.

My favorite flower. I buy these every Sunday at the Farmer's Market.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The "L" word

I've never been very good at the "L" word. No, not lust. That word I have absolutely no issues with. Mmmmmm.....lust. That way you feel when someone touches you the right way.....when someone makes you growl in the back of your throat......

Sorry, I got distracted. Back to the "L" word.

Perhaps it's because the first "romantic" (and I use that word very loosely) relationship I had in which a man told me he loved me also involved violence and assault and that's bound to warp a 17-year-old girl.

But this post isn't about that relationship, that could be an entire blog post in itself and that's for another day.

Lately I've seen a few of my twitter/blogging friends go through pain/trauma/heartbreak because of the "L" word. Is there any other word that can bring you such total euphoria and such devastating heartbreak in the space of hours?

It's funny because when you first start experiencing the L word it's all butterflies and goosebumps. Then it ends. And you try again. But the next time after the butterflies slow down you realize.....wait a minute, this is going to end at some point and it's going to hurt. And then you get to the point where you think.....if I avoid the "L" word I can avoid the pain.

I'm not one of those people. Am I closed off? Yes. Do I have a difficult time sharing my feelings? Yes. But I'm not afraid to love. Sometimes I just think I don't really know how.

Those people that fall in love after a weekend together. Those individuals that are convinced they've met a soul mate...I envy them. Even though in many cases it end(s) in heartache, sadness, drama, etc. How lucky are they that they have the ability to feel those kinds of feelings (the good ones, not the bad ones, I mean they're lucky to feel everything but I'm not jealous of the bad ones).

I even start to feel the urge to use the "L" word and I immediately stop myself. Because that's when the questions start. How on earth can I feel this way? Maybe it's just euphoria at the someting new? Do I really know what the "L" word means? How dare I even think I could say this word. These are the things that pop in my head.

Because I simply don't trust my feelings.

So, those of you that just run with it...stop beating yourselves up about it. It's such a gift that you have the ability to feel that way, whether it's everlasting or not.

As for me. I know I have the capacity to feel love. I've loved more than one person at a time and it was very difficult for me to accept that, but eventually I learned that I had that capability. I think my issue lies within my ability to express those feelings. They're there, they just have a difficult time making their way out of my heart and into verbal form.

I guess I have to work on that.

Besides.....nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Friday, March 26, 2010

See...I can grow

I think I'm going to have to drop my writing class which really sucks because a)I love writing (even though I suck) and b)I love arguing. But, each assignment and there are two a week takes three hours plus there is a paper due every Saturday. And I realized today that I don't want to spend my Friday night and Saturday writing a paper when I could be hanging with my family and doing the important Sam's Club shopping.

Plus I'm trying to relax more or at least give myself more attention, and it's the kind of attention that doesn't involve fighting or school books.

I recently read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really hit me in some areas because I could relate, a lot, with what she was feeling. It also made me think a lot about myself, relationships, my views on love, etc.

I have always prided myself on being a bit of a realist about relationships. There have been several times I've been told I think like a guy. I've always been really good at keeping my emotions separate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

One thing I've always talked about is how I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is that one true person for everyone. I mean, how can that be? I've loved some amazing men and all of them have brought something to my life. All of them have been a gift in one way or another. I might not have realized that at the time, but it's true. However, in the book she brings up a point, or I should say someone else brings up a point to her.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect ft, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

I like that definition. Especially because there have been relationships that even though I knew it had to end it was the hardest thing to walk way from.

So, maybe I do believe in soul mates.

And I think my life is about to change.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Good thing I look good in purple

So.....I'm fighting.

On April 24th.

I'm scared.

I hate to lose.

But I'm afraid I will, cuz somebody has to.

I've been training hard and I'm literally covered in bruises.

Why do I do this again?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

My Vagina never met a wand it didn't like

Last May when I had my annual appointment my doctor asked me to consider stopping the Depo Provera shots. I had been using Depo for about ten years because of severe endometriosis. She was worried about the long term effects, specifically it can cause bone loss. She gave me some info and asked me to consult a specific OB/GYN, which I finally did today. Yeah, so I'm a few months behind schedule.

I have had a bone density scan and show no signs of bone loss. The physician today did a fairly thorough exam including a pelvic ultrasound. He actually said, and I quote, "your ovaries are dormant." LMAO, well I hope so. It just sounds sad though....Dormant Ovaries.

Anyways, he says ultimately it's my decision. Nobody knows what the real long term effects of depo provera are but there is some concern because of my family history of breast cancer. The frustrating thing is I have no idea how much longer I would be on it. My mom had a hysterectomy in her thirties so my sister and I have no idea about when to expect menopause.

I can't believe I'm thinking about when I'll start menopause. That is soooooooo depressing.

What we, or I, decided is that I would take a depo break for awhile. It's possible that the time on the depo has helped and when my period finally starts back up it won't be too traumatic in terms of, well, everything. He's scheduled me to come back in September because I should be on a somewhat regular cycle by then

The downside is that there are two things that occur when I'm not on the depo. My sex drive increases, which really isn't helpful right now.....and my breasts tend to swell, and not in a good way. I'm already a D cup and in the past it's been pretty painful. For those of you who have given birth, imagine what it's like when your milk comes in or when you're trying to dry up. Yep, it's like that, but without the milk.

So, for now, I'll just hang and see what happens. I'm due for my next injection next month so I won't be getting that. Hopefully it won't ruin my summer.

Or yours.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Alone in the Ring

To answer a question left after my previous posting, yes, I do have someone to talk to. I've been seeing a therapist for a little over a year now. At first to deal with a lot of issues after my mom died, but naturally it's evolved into what I'm going through now.

When I left my last appointment my therapist pointed out that I had three options. None of these options included the one I wanted to hear which was 'go back to pretending like everything was perfect.' None of the three options are ones that I can easily live with. So right now I'm in limbo. I hate limbo. I like to have a plan. I like to problem solve.

But I can't solve this.

The worst part is that my level of self-esteem has completely plummeted. Before, when I was stressed out I could take it to the dojo. Work out my grief, my sorrow, my anger, on a heavy bag or in sparring. But now, I have no confidence in the ring. I argue with myself just to get the desire to spar. I discussed this with my trainer today, which was difficult, because even though I'm the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve I have a difficult time sharing my feelings. And this situation, brings me shame and I don't want anyone's pity. He's understanding of the situation and encouraging, which I do appreciate.

I've just turned into this weepy girly person that I hate. And I don't know how to shake it. It's driving me nuts.

Plus I'm sick. I've had some stress (duh) and it's positioned itself right between my shoulder blades. Every morning for the last couple of weeks when I've gotten up in the morning, it's been unbelievably tight and painful. Last Friday my trainer worked out some of the kinks, which I believe released some toxins. By Friday night I was starting to feel sick and by Saturday morning I had the worst head cold. Sunday I had a massage scheduled to work out the rest of the kink so I then spent part of Sunday night very ill (I'll leave out the details) and now I feel worse. It was a necessary evil, but worth it because even though I'm all congested, my shoulder blades feel better.

Monday, March 01, 2010

What Happened to My Fairytale?

I haven't been wanting to blog. In fact I briefly considered deleting it entirely, but I've done that before with my previous blog and I really regret it.

The few people that comment consistently on my blog always mention that they enjoy it because I'm honest. I don't blog with all anecdotes about my life and try to make it sound funny. My life isn't morose by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just not that type of blogger. I blog just as a means to an end. It's a way to get the stuff that's in my head out of my head.

However, right now, I'm dealing with some issues that exist between my husband and I. And as much as I feel the need to let it all out, I just can't do that here. Out of respect for him and our marriage, these issues do not need to be part of the internet.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure if our relationship will survive the issues we're dealing with. This much isn't a secret.

I think that at this juncture, we will survive, but only if I change what I want/expect/need from our relationship and that's easier said than done. I'm the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve. It's nearly impossible to hide how I feel so I've spent the past three weeks pretty torn up.

One way or the other I"ll be ok.