Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year Quiz

I totally stole this from warcrygirl...but it seemed a fitting way to end 2009.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? I ran a six physician orthopedic practice. If you had told me a year ago I'd be doing this I would have called you crazy.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make for next year? I don't believe in resolutions. I prefer to set goals, but really it's the same thing.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister, but then that happens every year.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully no.

5. What countries did you visit? None, but I got lost in Nevada does that count?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Inner peace.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? January, when my best friend kindly advised me I had become a bitch and perhaps wasn't dealing with my mom's death well. This got me into therapy and I'm very thankful to be moving towards a healthier mental state. March 3, 2009 when my boss called me to tell me that my office manager had messed up horribly and I was needed to help save the practice.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Successfully taking over the practice. Finding closure on my mom's death.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not really being there for my family like I should have been.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Let's see a cracked rib and then shoulder surgery. I'd say yep.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I really have no idea.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Beav...he's improved so much at school.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My father who fails to understand that other's have feelings that are as equally important as his.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, paying things off, including the IRS, ugh.

15. What did you get really excited about? Einstein getting into college.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? There's a song I heard this year by Taylor Swift called "The Best Day" which always makes me think of my mom.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-happier or sadder? I think I'm happier, or at least I'm on my way
-thinner or fatter? Thinner
-richer or poorer? I wouldn't say I'm richer, but I definitely worry less

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spent time with my family.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Work.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my siblings and all of our kids. I LOVED IT.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Only with the Zaca Mesa Syrah.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I can't say I have one.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't spend my energy on hating people.

24. What was the best book you read? It's two. My Sister's Keeper and The Lovely Bones really helped me get closure on my grief.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I discovered Amos Lee this year. Love him.

26. What did you want and get? My kitchen aid mixer.

27. What did you want and not get? Seriously? Nothing. I just buy it myself, lol.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Don't have one.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Got hair extensions, went to dinner and I am 41.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finishing school.

31. What would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? If it makes me feel happy to wear it, I do.

32. What kept you sane? Apparently nothing

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I've been crushing on Justin Timberlake forever. (Justin, call me)

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care because there is so much misinformation out there.

35. Who did you miss? My mom...always

36. Who was the best new person you met? Wow..can't really say although there are quite a few people on twitter that I've never met who have been super supportive to me this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Sometimes the people that you think you can count on forever are the ones that disappoint you the most.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I just can't come up with a song lyric like that, lol.

Monday, December 28, 2009

It's December 28th do you know where your resolutions are?

Now that I've caught up on the gazillion items in my reader I have a moment to blog. Noticed three specific themes while reading other blogs. 1. Best of 2009, 2. Christmas, 3. New Year's Resolutions.

I can't really do a "best of" because I don't update the blog enough. My blog is not "best of" worthy. Maybe one day..when it grows up to be a real blog.

Christmas....I'll get to that.

New Year's Resolutions...don't really do them..but I do promise to update more.

Christmas - Hubby and I left Long Beach on Thursday for the drive to the Sacramento area. It took us only SIX hours which is our best time yet..and that's with a gas stop. We're staying with one of my brothers and his wife and the rest of my siblings and their kids all joined us for Christmas. It was awesome..fourteen kids. We had a great time opening gifts and just laughing. I laughed a lot. It was sad that my dad wasn't there, but that's on him. There were a few emotional moments. My sister brought over some baked goods, specifically some specialties my mom used to make. I hadn't seen those since before she passed and I shed a few tears while enjoying the tasty treats. My sister in law gave us all this beautiful poem framed about loss and memory. All of us teared up at that..but was ok. Christmas is for memories and my mom helped us make a lot of those. For that we are very blessed.

Initially the husband I planned to spend the holiday on the road. We had originally planned an extended road trip but my brother persuaded us to spend the holiday with him and my siblings and I'm glad we did. We did part of our road trip anyway and took off on Sunday for Santa Cruz.

I love Santa Cruz. It's always been one of my favorite places and hubby has never been so it was fun to share it with him. We did some exploring and shopping. And of course we ate at the overpriced dinner that catered to tourists...but what the heck. That's when the trip took a weird turn.

I haven't talked about it much but the husband and I have been doing very poorly. Poorly to the point that growing old together didn't seem like an option. I don't want to go into details about the issue...but it was a big one. And it's grown worse over the past several months. Our relationship had deteriorated to the point that it was just difficult being around him. I hate that. It takes a lot of energy to be unhappy and I was very unhappy. And I did try to let go...but everytime I did I was reminded that the issue still existed and it wasn't going to go away. I have tried talking about it to him but that didn't seem to work either and I truly had given up.

So...before we went to dinner he asked me why I looked upset and I told him that I was sad because here we are on this little trip away and it's impossible to truly enjoy it because things aren't right. Once we sat down to dinner the discussion began and it wasn't a great one. It just didn't seem like we were hearing each other. At least the restaurant was slow and we had an entire section to ourselves. Once we finished eating we told the waitress that we were just going to sit back and finish our bottle of wine and she left us alone for a bit.

The final straw of our discussion was when he told me that he realized what needed to be changed but didn't know if it was worth attempting because perhaps I had already given up....and that's when I reminded him that if it was truly important to wouldn't matter if I had. If our relationship was truly that important he wouldn't stop to think about if it was too late..he'd try anyway.

Then there was total silence for quite a few minutes. He realized that I was right. I had to explain that by his lack of response in the past I had to assume that he just didn't care. Because if he did care, wouldn't he do something?

Now..everything isn't all honky dory and we didn't go back to the hotel and make out like teenagers because this is real life. And this is a real problem. It's going to take some time.

But it was nice to feel that he "got" it.

We got up this morning and headed to San Francisco where we did some more shopping (I know, but I really needed those boots...and the pumps...) We had a fabulous lunch and a very nice afternoon.

We still have a lot of work to do. But I feel better about things. Being angry, hurt, and upset does take up so much energy and even though I don't believe in resolutions I do want to be happier in 2010.

The one thing that I did accomplish this year was I finally received closure on losing my mom. It's still hard and I still have bad days but I feel better. I've reached a point where even though I miss her so much every day I feel her close to me. I feel her in the things I say to my kids that she said to me. I feel her when I look at my brothers and feel so grateful I have them in my life. I feel her when I look at my sister and realize that she just isn't my sister anymore, but my friend.

All in all...the trip was a success and I enjoyed my Christmas. Tomorrow morning we hit the road to go back to reality. SIGH.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Happy Holidays

Are you ready for Christmas? Because I'm NOT!!!!

But I'm not in a panic yet.

The kids leave Saturday morning to go up to their dad's. Hubby and I leave on the 24th to go up north. Ironically we'll be just a few miles away from the boys so we've opted to get together up there to open gifts rather than try to open them up here before they leave. In the meantime I have every minute planned.

Thursday night - Beav's play

Friday night - celebrating friend's birthday at wine bar

Saturday night - girlfriend dinner

Sunday - our annual open house (tons of food shopping and prep to do)

I'm really looking forward to getting up north. We're getting together with my brothers and my sister for Christmas dinner. It will be kinda weird without my dad but I'm so looking forward to getting together with them and having a real family holiday. I was truly hoping Thanksgiving would do that for me but that day went horribly wrong.

I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward to Christmas. I never thought that would happen for me again and I'm so thankful.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Holiday Decorating

Just to prove that I have obtained some holiday spirit I thought I'd share some photos of our Christmas decorating.

I've even decked myself out, don't I look Christmasy. Quit looking at my boobs.

This is our Christmas Village. You can't see it but under a snowdrift is a police car. The kids keep burying it under the snow and hubby keeps taking it out. I'm just glad I don't have a village donut shop because all hell would break loose.

Silver Wonderment

It's a fake tree, I know, I suck.

The gingerbread counter to feed Einstein's irrational fear of Gingerbread men. You know how some people have the whole clown fear, well his is gingerbread men. Don't judge people!