Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday night I had a board meeting and only half showed up. Of the missing half, I probably heard from less than half of them and I was slightly irritated. So when I got home I fired off an email to the entire board on email etiquette. Seriously, respond to my emails. I don't care even if it's to tell me fuck off, at least then I know you got it. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how busy you are. We are all busy. However, when you make a commitment to something, follow it through. I was tired, I had more important things to do then lead a board meeting where half the people don't bother to show up or let me know they can't make it.
I feel better now.
Einstein is graduating in a month and a half. I have this irrational fear he's going to leave home and never come back. This is my baby people. I don't know what I'm going to do without him here. I get sad thinking about it. On one hand, I'm so proud of the man he's becoming. On the other hand he's still that four year old boy with his face painted.
Winning a fight is amazing. Winning a fight against your very best friend really sucks. There is no planet where doing that again would be acceptable. It's even hard to celebrate because my victory means defeat to someone I really care about.
I briefly debated about attending a three day conference Saturday - Monday. On one hand, excellent trainings, lots of opportunities to earn extra units, BUT, this is my first weekend off since my fight and I know that three days of meetings will exhaust me and I am just now recovering from the fight. So, I think it's important to know when to say no, and I'm saying no.
Title from LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out"
Monday, April 26, 2010
But - I seriously need to talk about how I sent a stern email to my board tonight. Let's see who I piss off.
How the closer Einstein gets to graduating the more panicked I get.
How I am seriously really never fighting again, cuz that was just crazy.
And please, someone help me decide about this conference this weekend.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I'm not sure I ever want to do that again. First off, fighting your very best friend is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Those of you reading my blog know I've trained two years for this. I was going to fight in the fall of 08, but my mom passed. Then I was going to fight this time last year and I cracked my rib.
Yesterday I spent the day in panic. It wasn't winning or losing that bothered me. It wasn't forgetting all my training. It was worry about my endurance. And it was a well founded worry because about a minute into it my heart was beating so hard it was hurting. All I could think about was the pre-fight talk we had in which someone mentioned nobody had ever left the ring on a gurney and I could be the first.
But I did last all three rounds. And I won. But it was hard. I almost broke into tears at the end of the fight. Everything I've been through in the last year and a half. It was as if it culminated in this fight. There was so much stuff going on in my head. It's all still there and I'm fairly sure that as soon as I have a moment alone I'm going to fall apart.
I'm so thankful that my brothers surprised me by being here. And so many of my friends were there to cheer me on. I have to tell you that the crowd makes a big difference. Hearing them react, cheer, etc. it's really motivating.
But I really couldn't have done this without my best friend and my fighting opponent. We've been through so much together and for both of us this has been a very tough road. We started kickboxing together and have been there for each other every step of the way.
I'm proud of myself. I think I surprised a lot of people. I surprised myself.
Videos are posted here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4k6dHrn-Qg
Thursday, April 22, 2010
It's been a rough morning and lack of rest isn't helping. A good cry a little while ago didn't seem to help either.
And I've been painfully reminded that looking to someone else for support, understanding, etc is a total waste of my time. The only person I can truly trust is myself. Coming out of my shell, while a bit liberating, appears to be a bad decision.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
You can bend but never break me, 'Cause it only serves to make me, More determined to reach my final goal
Everybody talks about it doesn't matter who wins or loses, nobody remembers later who won, yada yada yada, and I know they're right. I've watched three fights at the dojo and I can't tell you who won or lost.
I'm just tired. And I want my life back. One that doesn't involve being at the dojo when I'm not at work. Don't get me wrong I love my muscle tone, but the constant training, always being sore, the u shaped bruise on my ass, it's just too much.
Plus I feel so behind at work. I've been plugging away all day yesterday and today trying hard to catch up. I'm behind in every other area. Poor Beav has had to remind me for the past three days to pick up his prescription and I have yet to remember to do it.
I was hoping to get in a trip home the second weekend of May but then I realized that it's Mother's day and it's probably not recommended that Mother's spend a weekend away from their children, or maybe it is, lol However, I would have a hard time explaining to my siblings why I don't have my children with me.
I do need to get home soon. I've been very homesick. But I'm not sure when I'll have the time. I've planned a weekend away with Beav and Einstein the weekend before Memorial Day (which will mainly involve sun, swimsuits, and water) and then in June I am making another trek to Flagstaff with Einstein and then we leave on our annual week long camping trip.
My summer seems to be getting off to a fun and busy start. I feel a bit energized now that I've been thinking about the fun stuff coming up.
Title taken from Helen Reddy's "I am Woman"
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I feel helpless against this horrible disease and what it does to those we love. So many of us give our time with fundraisers, walks, runs, etc. Continuing to do these things is so important and once again I have a renewed spirit to do everything little bit I can.
In the meantime I pray. And I say fuck you cancer.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I Wish I Could Save My Soul. I'm So Cold From Fear
Sparring this morning, one word, UGH. I just feel completely incompetent. I feel like everyone is so much better than I am. Tomorrow is my last day of sparring before the fight and panic exists below the surface, every minute. Not to mention, total rookie move, sparring, moving backwards and I slammed into the mirrored wall. Currently I feel like I was hit by a truck. Someone, remind me why I'm doing this again?
Then the mail arrived. Einstein found out he didn't get his ROTC scholarship. Beaver received a collection notice from the library for four library books that he didn't turn in and were due in February. Again, panic at the college situation. Where am I going to find an extra $15,000 a year? Drove Beav to the library, he turned in his books and I paid the $42 fine which is added to the $64 debt he already owes me because of lunch loans.
I got in the car to head off to run some errands and you know I just wanted to sit in there and cry. But I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go that way and let it all out and do that with someone close to comfort me. But that's not my style. I'm unable to do that. It's just a form of vulnerability that I'm unwilling to let anyone see.
In some way I feel I'm being punished for being a bad person. As if God is throwing all this crap at me because I'm not a good person. So then I drive around and run my errands and think about everything in my life and what God might be disapproving of and that just makes me feel worse.
And I recognize that I'm tired. I'm stretched a little too thin and that makes me more emotional than normal. I'm trying to find a balance between not second guessing my feelings and not over-reacting. That's easier said than done.
Title taken from James Blunt's "Tears and Rain"
Friday, April 16, 2010
But I'm too tired to think about it.
Keeping my life nice and orderly is a lot of hard work. I'm feeling a bit like the mouse in the wheel. That's not a nice feeling.
Just some stuff to think about.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I have received certifications in domestic violence and sexual assault crisis counseling. I have worked with the Placer County Domestic/Sexual Assault Response Team and have worked here in LB for the Sexual Assault Response Team.
Someone asked me the other day if it was hard to do this type of volunteer work. The domestic violence part was harder than the sexual assault. But then with domestic violence you tend to deal with the same people over and over again.
I've been doing volunteer work since I was 21. I started on the California Runaway Hotline and proceeded from there to other responsibilities. Part of being on the response teams means when you're on call and there's an assault reported you have to go to the hospital. My role was as an advocate and I worked on a team with a nurse that had received forensic training and a police officer. When I was trained in Placer County it was the first team put together so a lot of the training involved the advocates, law enforcement, and nurses all together and that was very interesting.
I'm what one would call a survivor of both domestic violence and sexual assault. When I was seventeen I was engaged to a very handsome boy who was unfortunately also very violent. I'm not going to go into a lot of details. Mostly because I've blacked a large portion of it out. As far as statistics go I'm in the minority. Most women that end up in the situation I was in grew up with violence. I did not. However, I was fearful of this man (he was two years older than I). I was fearful for my life and I really didn't think anyone would believe me. In all these things I am very much a statistic. I came very close to losing my life and I believe without a doubt that I would have eventually ended up the worse kind of statistic.
There's a lot to this story that I'm not going into. Partly because I'm not ready, partly because this isn't the right forum.
I don't feel like a victim. Do I live with repercussions? Definitely. I will for the rest of my life. The difference is I'm aware of how this has impacted me and I deal with it appropriately (well sometimes). I haven't had a panic attack in years, which is pretty awesome. I dealt with an eating disorder because of it (years ago) but I still have trust issues. I have anger issues. I have a bad temper. I know that if I had to I could defend myself to the bloody end. Because I have had to.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I've learned a lot this weekend and made a lot of great connections with other managers and administrators. I got to see my mentor and we haven't seen each other in about three years, so that was awesome. Apparently she really talked me up to a lot of people that I've gotten to know and it's nice to hear someone thinks highly of you.
Lately my blog has been all over the place. Lots of weird things going on and I'm finding myself going through a lot of transitions. The thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions whirl around inside my head to the point that I'm exhausted. I'm trying desperately to sort them all out but it's difficult.
Not helping at all is my habit of completely doubting my feelings all the time. Over the years it's become quite obvious to me that my I have no ability to judge character. I couldn't tell if a person would be good for me or bad for me if my life depended on it. And then when I do get close to someone a question it a gazillion times. It's quite ridiculous. I wish I could be the kind of person who just feels without questioning. Is that possible?
It doesn't appear likely.
What is obvious though is that there are many things I have to get out of my head and I can't do it here. This is too public and somethings are more private and require limited access. So, I have developed another blog that is by invite only. If you're interested you may email me at divacowgirl at gmail.com.
I must get ready for another half day of meetings. I hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday.
Title taken from "Weak In The Knees" by Serena Ryder