You can bend but never break me, 'Cause it only serves to make me, More determined to reach my final goal

Only a few days until my fight, panic is definitely settling in. Just a little though. At this point I just want it over. The level of training is exhausting. I'm exhausted. And old.

Everybody talks about it doesn't matter who wins or loses, nobody remembers later who won, yada yada yada, and I know they're right. I've watched three fights at the dojo and I can't tell you who won or lost.

I'm just tired. And I want my life back. One that doesn't involve being at the dojo when I'm not at work. Don't get me wrong I love my muscle tone, but the constant training, always being sore, the u shaped bruise on my ass, it's just too much.

Plus I feel so behind at work. I've been plugging away all day yesterday and today trying hard to catch up. I'm behind in every other area. Poor Beav has had to remind me for the past three days to pick up his prescription and I have yet to remember to do it.

I was hoping to get in a trip home the second weekend of May but then I realized that it's Mother's day and it's probably not recommended that Mother's spend a weekend away from their children, or maybe it is, lol However, I would have a hard time explaining to my siblings why I don't have my children with me.

I do need to get home soon. I've been very homesick. But I'm not sure when I'll have the time. I've planned a weekend away with Beav and Einstein the weekend before Memorial Day (which will mainly involve sun, swimsuits, and water) and then in June I am making another trek to Flagstaff with Einstein and then we leave on our annual week long camping trip.

My summer seems to be getting off to a fun and busy start. I feel a bit energized now that I've been thinking about the fun stuff coming up.

Title taken from Helen Reddy's "I am Woman"

See...I can grow

I think I'm going to have to drop my writing class which really sucks because a)I love writing (even though I suck) and b)I love arguing. But, each assignment and there are two a week takes three hours plus there is a paper due every Saturday. And I realized today that I don't want to spend my Friday night and Saturday writing a paper when I could be hanging with my family and doing the important Sam's Club shopping.

Plus I'm trying to relax more or at least give myself more attention, and it's the kind of attention that doesn't involve fighting or school books.


I recently read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really hit me in some areas because I could relate, a lot, with what she was feeling. It also made me think a lot about myself, relationships, my views on love, etc.

I have always prided myself on being a bit of a realist about relationships. There have been several times I've been told I think like a guy. I've always been really good at keeping my emotions separate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

One thing I've always talked about is how I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is that one true person for everyone. I mean, how can that be? I've loved some amazing men and all of them have brought something to my life. All of them have been a gift in one way or another. I might not have realized that at the time, but it's true. However, in the book she brings up a point, or I should say someone else brings up a point to her.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect ft, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

I like that definition. Especially because there have been relationships that even though I knew it had to end it was the hardest thing to walk way from.

So, maybe I do believe in soul mates.

And I think my life is about to change.

Thursday Ten - Work and Psychotherapy Edition

I thought instead of trying to catch up on everything happening I would just summarize in a Thursday Ten.

1. Out of the last twenty-six days I have worked twenty-four of them. This is not a good thing. Especially since I'm now salary and when I sat down and figured it out I am making less now than I was when I was just a regular office staffer. Yesterday when I had my psych appointment the psychologist put her foot down about me putting my foot down. So, today I sat down and worked out a work schedule that still has me working a lot, but a bit more realistic because in her words "I need a life."

2. One of the casualties of more work is less working out. This is starting to freak me out because I have a fight coming up five weeks from Saturday. My trainer keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine but ACK, I am freaking out!!

3. In my desire to "get a life" I have started my own local wine club. It's something that I've been thinking about and one of my girlfriends told me to basically just do it, so I did. Check out the D'Vine Divas here.

4. Speaking of the psychologist my father has not managed to drive me crazy in the last few days. He took his "new" family to Knotts Berry Farm last Friday, that was fun to explain to my kids. They were all like why hasn't grandpa ever taken us to Knotts Berry Farm? How do you answer that?

5. As if my kids haven't had enough to deal with my son's step-mother's mother, basically their step-grandma, just died the other day of brain cancer. Einstein is as stoic as ever. Beav, on the other hand, is a bit of a wreck. This is the third death they've had to deal with since July. That's just nuts.

6. One of my employees asked me today if she could get her nose pierced and I said sure. It seemed hypocritical of me to say no since mine is pierced. Hope the doctor's don't mind. But they did make me the boss.

7. Speaking of doctors, one of the ones I work for began behaving like a total ass and screamed at me on the phone yesterday. Unfortunately my husband was in my office when this occurred and he was none too happy. I believe he mentioned words such as "chicken shit."

8. Tomorrow night I plan to go to my first Long Beach tweet up. I'm kinda excited although I can't stay out very late because I train on Saturday morning.

9. Saturday night I'm going here with one of my girlfriends. I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since the night my mom died. There is a lot less of me now so it will be interesting to see how people respond.

10. The best thing about the upcoming weekend - I am not working!

Watch It Wiggle

Friday night was our dojo's semi-annual "fight night." This was the night I was supposed to fight before I dropped out. I still went to support my friends that were fighting. Every fight night is done for a charity and this one was for a bone marrow registry. I am now a registered bone marrow possible donor. My trainer's brother works for BMW and they donated this as a raffle prize. Yeah, you read it right, it RETAILS for at least $1000 and I won it. And I don't know what to do with it. I'm inclined to sell it but I feel guilty for considering it.

I have a bicycle. It’s a nice beach cruiser. I, in no way, can do the new bike justice. I hardly have time to ride the bike I have. So for now it's just sitting in my dining room because I don't have a garage and I don't think it's safe in the backyard.After fight night the Dojo restarts sparring. That is, they take it all the way down back to basics. So, I’ve started again. I was listening to our trainer talk about how the class changes how you work out, steps up your game, etc..and I realized something. Remember this?

I started to gain my weight back when I stopped sparring. It was as if a light bulb went off over my head. I’m excited to be back although today I’m sore, but it’s so worth it. I’m hoping to fight at our next fight night in May however I’m not throwing my name in for a little while. I still feel back about backing out of this fight, although I had a very good reason.

As of right now I have a vision of me…less jiggle, more muscle.