Surviving

Grief sucks. There is no way around it. I forget how holidays really tend to screw me up and yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.

To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.

He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.

And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.

This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.

Grief sucks.

I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.

In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.

Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.

So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.

RIP Honeybear

When my mom died I never cursed God. I didn't get angry at God, blame God, shake my fist at him....none of those things, even though everything I've read told me it was perfectly normal.

Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.

Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."

For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.

On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!

I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.

There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.

I don't see that happening.

From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy

Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:

To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.

Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."

Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.

Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.

Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.

My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.

The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.

After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.

Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.

Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.

It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.

Thursday Ten, The Science Edition

1. I'm officially in therapy, ugh. Seriously, she looked like she was twelve. I'm not entirely sure I'm going to stick with her but I committed to going back next week. If I don't stick with her I will go with one of the other referrals I got today.

2. She thinks that part of my problem is that I'm just exhausted because I don't sleep well and consequently I don't rest. She has asked me to see a psychiatrist to try a different sleeping aid since the Ambien hasn't been helpful.

3. She also asked me how I felt about antidepressants and I nixed that idea. I do believe that antidepressants can be helpful but my depression is situational. And I know that what I'm going through, I need to deal with. Masking my symptoms isn't going to help.

4. Apparently I've also put myself in a position where I'm extremely uncomfortable really opening up to others. She doesn't think I have a support system. I felt the need to stand up for my friends, because they have been fabulous. However I explained to her that I can't ask them to repeatedly hear me cry about issues with my mom. I mean, really, if I were them I'd be like 'get over it already.'

5. I'm also very angry, duh. And more angrier than I thought. I was really saying some negative things about my mom and then I felt bad because I shouldn't be saying bad things about someone who is dead. It was a real eye opener though, because I had no idea how far back my anger went.

6. After that I had a short meeting with a commitee at Einstein's school. They're doing an event very similar to an event I've worked at for the past six years. I was able to offer a lot of helpful insight and it felt so good to feel useful.

7. Then I had to stay for the PTSA meeting because the school group I'm involved in needs to be represented and our Chair couldn't make it and I'm second in command.

8. I spent most of the meeting staring at a new science teacher who caught my eye because I caught him staring at me. He was really cute except for when he kept touching his feet (he was wearing flip flops) and I have foot issues. He had some nice tattoos on his arms and I found myself making stupid jokes so that he would laugh and notice me. How old am I again?

9. Afterwards this other parent, who was annoying, kept butting into a conversation I was having regarding our event (which I need to name here). We were discussing press releases and she kept harping about how she knew someone over at one of our small local papers and I just couldn't help myself. So I casually mentioned 'have you heard of Relay for Life' because seriously who hasn't? And of course the answer was yes. So then I dropped the bomb, 'well it's first year here in Long Beach, I did all their marketing and public relations.' Annoying parent had nothing to say after that. HA! How old am I again?

10. But it did feel good to remind myself that I have done a lot of really good things...and as a volunteer. I have a lot of talents that I have forgotten about. I've spent so much time recently putting myself down and in reality I've accomplished a lot. I came home in good spirits and that felt REALLY good.