See...I can learn

After my epiphany the other night I've spent the past few nights really doing some thinking.

I've been living this crazy active super busy lifestyle since I was sixteen. I've never known anything else. I realized that I don't want to be super busy any longer. But...here's the kicker. If I'm not constantly busy, doing things, I feel worthless. My busy schedule is how I gauge my self-worth. I know, I'm clearly insane. Then I spent some time trying to figure out how to reprioritize my life. Here's where I am -

My relationship with God

My Family

My Training

My Job (yes, it's number four - it pays for the training)

School

Everything else

Here's how my life was being lived:

Work

School

Family

Training

My relationship with God

See a problem?

Here's what I'm doing:

My relationship with God - I do need to go to church more, but more importantly than that I need to take more time to develop a personal relationship. I need to read the Bible more and spend some quiet time in prayer.

My family - Sunday is supposed to be family day (well, except for Super Bowl, because the kids aren't into football) but lately I spend Sunday trying to catch up on everything I didn't have time to do during the week, including homework. So, Sunday is back to family day (except every other Sunday morning I do spar), don't judge.

Training - Even my trainer said today, I was happiest when I was training hard core. I miss it so so I went back at it full strength today. My trainer wants to put me on the list for our fight night in April, not sure I'll be ready though. Either way it feels good to be back. Besides I'm up 15 lbs since my surgery and I can't have that.

Work - Yeah, work is important. It pays for the training and the things I do with my family. And...it gives me self-worth, yeah I know I need to work on that.

School - Yes it's so important I finish. But taking ten units while working full time is just, well, stupid. So, I dropped the statistics class this semester and I'm at a happy six units. So, it might take me a little longer, but I'll get there. I'm still taking off a bit early two days a week so I can come home and do some homework.

When I made these decisions a couple of things happened. First, my stress level went down SIGNIFICANTLY. I've slept more this week than I have since I don't know when. Second, I immediately started to think about what I could get done with this new free time. Then I had to slap myself.

The hard part is trying to figure out where I learned that my self worth is defined by how hard I push myself to accomplish the impossible.

My therapist is going to work with me on this, but she's proud I've discovered all of this by myself.

E=mc who cares

It's not that I don't like school, because I do. I love school. I do hate that I've never finished college. I mean I REALLY hate it. It makes me feel really stupid.
:
When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago carrying 10-12 units wasn't that big of a deal because I was only working 24 hours a week. But then a year ago everything went down at my office and I went from a 24 hour a week medical biller to a 50- 60 hour a week office manager for a six physician practice.

So this semester I decided to go back. I'm carrying ten units, although one of my classes doesn't start until March. Last week because I got sick as all heck I missed a week of my statistics class and I'm so behind it hurts. A week of statistics is like seven human years, or something like that.

And I'm tired. This is an example of what Tuesdays are like for me. I'm at work by 7:15, work until 3, drive to school. Have class until 6pm. Drive back to Long Beach. Pic up Beav, come home, eat dinner, do homework. Thursday is the same except I drive to Long Beach and go to the dojo and take the 6:30 class.

And that's another thing. It really cuts into my training time and I miss training.

It sounds like I'm whining, doesn't it? Well I'm just trying to talk myself out of feeling like a loser if I drop the statistics class. The truth is though I have to have this class so I still have to take it. I'm just frustrated knowing that it's taking forever to get this done.

But is the important thing...isn't that I'm trying to get it done?

Truth is, I'm 41 and I work really hard. I don't want to spend my entire weekends doing homework. Not when I have a family here that I want to spend time with.

Yep, I'm totally rationalizing.

And I still feel like a loser.

Thursday Ten

1. Happy New Year! I hope everyone had the celebration they wanted. Hubby and I went to one of our favorite wine bars and enjoyed a wonderful four course meal...well kind of. Our fourth course never arrived. However, we know the owner and she'll take care of us next time we go in.

2. I was shocked by how I could barely stay awake until midnight. I knew I should have taken a nap but I didn't expect to be that tired. Hubby and I were home and in bed by about 12:45. I slept until 10am which is unheard of.

3. I had a second interview with the company I interviewed with last week. I was not impressed. I just didn't get a good vibe. The COO was asking me questions about my time at different jobs because she stated she needed that information, however it was on my resume AND on the application I filled out. Not to mention that halfway during the interview they realized that I was interviewing for one position and they were interviewing me for another.

4. This means I had some decisions to make. If I leave my present job to work full time than that means no school. School starts Monday. If I start school I'm not going to drop. I'm taking some heavy classes and I don't like to do anything less than 110 percent (well other than blog, apparently).

5. So hubby and I chatted about it for quite a while during our dinner last night. I know, deep down, that if I don’t go back to school this semester, then I’m not going back. On the other hand, I’m not sure we can afford for me to only work part time. BUT I feel strongly that school and working part time is what God has planned for me…..and if it is I’m hoping that he will began to make things more pleasant for me at work.

6. There are SO many things about my present employer that I hate. But there are some things that make it ok. It’s flexible. It’s close. They pay me pretty well for working part time. I am currently experience two paid four day weekends in a row. VERY NICE.

7. I don’t really believe in doing New Year’s Resolutions. I like to think that you can start each day as a new start. But I do have some goals that I would like to accomplish.

8. I would like to get in the habit of waking up early every morning and spending some time with the book “Purpose Driven Life.” I feel that I need to spend some time meditating, praying, and just getting to know the inner me a little bit better.

9. The best part about this four day weekend is that I really have nothing planned. We are supposed to go to a casual party Saturday night and the boys don’t come back until Sunday night. Other than kickboxing I don’t have anywhere I need to be. Hell, I didn’t shower today until 4pm.

10. I like bowl games, I do, but how many does the hubby expect me to watch in one day? At this point they are all blended together and I can’t even keep track anymore. Besides, my favorite part is the marching bands. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.