Is There a God...Why is he waiting?

Ah, blogger...how I've missed you.

Livejournal was creating a lot of issues with bots on my AIM. Yesterday I received about five random instant messages about everything from naked women to bongs.

The only advantage that LiveJournal has/had over Blogger is that it allows me to set privacy settings for each individual entry. With twitter and all the other social media people I actually know in real life started reading my blog and well as much as I'd like to think I'm an open book...I'm not.

Yesterday I was headed back to my third interview with a local clinic. I check in and am waiting...and waiting..and the human resources person comes out. She looks at me quizzically...'what are you doing here? Didn't you get my message the other day?' Um, yes, I did. Right after I got the message to be here at 12:30pm. Yep, apparently there was a huge case of the right hand not talking to the left hand and the short version is that I put on heels for nothing. The HR person did reassure me that I'm a strong contender for the position I've applied for and I should hear early next week.

I had already scheduled the rest of the afternoon off as I am on my school schedule. I'm suppose to start school in an hour and a half as I have an orientation for one of my online classes. I don't think I'm going to be there. I'm still confused about what to do. One minute I'm eager to go back to school...the next minute I hate my office so much I can hardly stand it.

I could write a book about the issues that this office has. HIPPA violations, lack of professionalism...do you know I haven't had working voice mail since I've been there? I can't print claims from my computer. My boss has never done my job, she has no idea how to do my job, yet she constantly is telling me to do things that I know are a)wrong, b)unethical, or c)makes no sense at all.

Enough already.

Because of my weight loss I found myself with a ton of clothes that are too big for me. I had the bright idea to sell the items on ebay. I wasn't looking to get rich, just make a few bucks. I didn't. What I did get was a multitude of stupid questions. I don't how ebayers do it. I had a top listed for ninety-nine cents. Ninety-nine cents people!!!! And someone emails me haggling me about the shipping cost. Wants me to stuff it in a priority mail flat rate envelope because they don't want to pay the $8 charge I have for priority mail. Yes, I know it's kinda high but I do have to drive my ass to the post office.

I sold a few items, the rest are going to the women's shelter. I'm talking nice shit. Wool dress skirts, blouses, lots of nice work items.

In the meantime I continue to spend all of my money on ebay feeding my vintage hat habit.

Title credit: New Deep by John Mayer

Oh sweetness, when will you be mine?

I’m so angry………with myself. I have seriously been out of control. I weigh myself every morning. I understand that for some people, that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing to weigh yourself every day if you’re going to obsess to the point of not eating if your weight is up on a particular day. I don’t have that issue, although sometimes I wish I did.

I am up 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but it’s half the weight I lost since I started kickboxing. All the size smaller clothes I bought are tight. I’m so disgusted with myself I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday two out of three meals were FAST FOOD. Up until recently I rarely touched fast food. Now it’s become a staple. What the hell is that about? The other day I ate a big ass cinnamon roll with a soda for breakfast. This is not who I am. This is just disgusting.
I know that part of the problem is I’m depressed because of my mom. As much as I’d like to think I can get up and say ‘ok, enough with that, things have to change,’ I’m not going to stop being upset. Some people have suggested professional counseling. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think what I’m going through is normal, under the circumstances, and I just need to work through it. So, while I can’t control the myriad of emotions that I constantly feel on a daily basis, I can control how I react to it…..can’t I?

This whole eating thing touches on everything else in my life. I feel like shit physically so then I don’t want to work out. I go to bed early because I just am tired and I don’t feel good. I haven’t been having sex and as much as I’d like to blame it on issues with my hubby I strongly suspect that the real issue is how I feel about myself. Because feeling sexy starts on the inside. No matter what you’re size you can be sexy, if you feel sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I feel sexy on the inside when I know I’m taking care of myself and being healthy.

And that’s another thing. This kind of shit is EXACTLY what killed my mother. It’s part of why I’m so angry with her. She could have been healthy. She could have prevented dying at the age of 60. Had she only taken care of herself, she’d be here today. I can’t even go into all of this right now because it will just make me fall apart and I have to get ready for work. But the bottom line is….if I don’t stop…that’s how I will end up.

Maybe getting all of this out of my head will help. God, I hope so.