Monday, August 24, 2009

The Trip

I haven't talked about it yet but my trip home for the anniversary of my mother's death was awesome!!!

It was nice to hang with my brothers on Saturday night. Their wives and kids were there, my dad showed up. We barbecued, had some wine, and then smoked some cigars. We talked about the night my mom died, our memory of that night and how we were feeling. Then we shared happy memories of my mom. There were no tears it was so awesome. I can't even begin to explain how nice it was. It just really helped.

The next day I picked up my boys and we went to the cemetery. I picked up some flowers and my mom loved cats so I also got her a stuffed kitten. And then I said goodbye.

And I feel good about it. I feel liberated. I feel like I'm living again.

And so many of you were so awesome, thank you so much.

And those of you that were total asses. I needed time dammit, couldn't you see that???

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I totally stole this from solitary confinement

A. Attached or single? Attached

B. Best friend? My friend Denise

C. Cake or pie? mmm, cupcakes

D. Dog or cat? I have two dogs and one cat, but I have to admit my dogs go nuts when I get home and that's totally awesome

E. Essential item? Blackberry.

F. Favorite color? Red.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Gross

H. Hometown? Rocklin, Ca.

I. Favorite indulgence? Just one??? Massage

J. January or July? July

K. Kids? two boys, 18 and 13

L. Life isn’t complete without? My children

M. Marriage date? 10/27/01

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 2 brothers and 1 sister.

O. Oranges or apples? apples.

P. Phobias? Escalators and heights

Q. Quote?

R. Reasons to smile? Surviving the last twelve months

S. Season of choice? Summer

T. Travel dreams? I want to go to Ireland

U. Unknown fact about me? I prefer to keep it unknown :)

V. Vegetable? Tomatoes

W. Worst habit? Procrastination

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Anywhere that has a steak cooked to my perfection

Z. Zodiac sign? Virgo

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Sunday, August 16, 2009

One Year.

For the first half of the last twelve month I looked at today as the proverbrial light at the end of the tunnel. As if the anniversary of my mother's death would lift this dark veil from my life. A few months ago I realized that August 16th was not a magical number. What I can say is that the most painful year of my life (so far) is over.

I've learned so much. I hope I've grown. I know that I still have a long ways to go.

I've learned what NOT to say when someone I know loses someone they love. I've learned not to say "she's in a better place", "you'll see her again in heaven one day", and my personal favorite "she's no longer suffering." Those things might sound nice BUT they're lousy to hear because the best place she could be is here with her family, I don't want to wait until I get to heaven to see her again, I want to hug her now, and somehow even though she may not be suffering, I am, and that can't possibly bring her joy.

Actually the worst thing I heard was from someone who had been a friend and suffered a loss a couple of years ago. On one of my particularly bad days she sent me a text that read "now you know how I feel."

I've learned it's ok to be sad..and more importantly it's ok to cry when I'm sad. Anger has always been an easy emotion for me. If I get angry about something, I vent and then feel better. Sadness is a new thing for me. Expressing sadness is easier now and less uncomfortable but I still have a long ways to go. Most of my crying is still done in the dark when everyone else is asleep.

I've learned who my real friends are. When my mom first died I was overwhelmed by the responses from everyone. Some went beyond the call of duty, others sent text messages, emails, and called. It was amazing and I am truly thankful. However, its those that are still around twelve months later that really amaze me. Friends that aren't afraid to tell me that I need help. Friends that aren't afraid to say hey I love you but you're not ok. Because I wasn't ok. Friends that don't ask if you're ok but instead call and tell you that you're having dinner with them, no arguments. I hope I've learned to be a better friend.

I've learned how much I really love my brothers and my sister. I'm not always great about showing it but I love them so very much. And even though I'm the big sister I feel so blessed that I have two brothers who let me know that they're here for me. And how awesome to have a sister that will call me and demand that I talk about what's bothering me.

I've learned that no matter how much of a control freak I am it is impossible to control grief. I have cried listening to music, watching television, watching movies, reading books..I have even cried in front of the greeting cards. When I see a woman my age shopping with her mom I can barely stand it. I miss shopping with my mom.

I have learned that people I have never met are so amazing. I have been blessed by the kindess and love demonstrated by my online friends. On that day a year ago I twittered "my mom died today." The first response I received was from @chickpea, someone I've never met, but have "known" for a few years through blogging. Since then so many others have reached out with kind words, prayers and shared grief over their own losses.

have learned that wanting to die and being suicidal are two different things. Because I wanted to die, if only to stop feeling. On my darkest day I sat in my car and wondered how many sleeping pills would it take for me to not wake up. I just wanted the pain to stop. Of course, I'm way too practical and sensibility kicked in right away. There was no way I was going to willingly put my children through what I had been experiencing.

I have learned to forgive. Part of me blames my mom. I blame her for not taking better care of her health. I wish she had been open emotionally. I wish she hadn't bottled things up because I know it's so unhealthy and it can kill you. It almost killed me. And I forgive my mom these things. And I thank my mom for allowing me to see what I need to change in my life.

I have learned how difficult it is to sometimes let go. This past year I've had to let go of so many things. I've lost friends and as painful as it is, I'm ok with it and I'm better for it. I've lost control. Grief makes you feel like you're losing your mind. It's the craziest thing. You wake up in the morning and you say to yourself 'today will be a great day.' And then something happens. You hear a song, you have a memory and the next thing you know you're crying on the way to work and part of you is yelling 'what the heck, knock it off' and you can't. And it makes you feel like you've lost your mind. Sometimes it's just necessary to let those feelings happen.

I've lost my mom. My mom won't see Einstein graduate next year. She won't see my boys get married. She won't hold a great grandchild. She won't hold the baby my sister is having in a few months. She won't be here at Christmas to tease Einstein with gingerbread men. She won't be here to see the amazing men my sons are going to be. So I keep her around in little ways. The watch I wear is hers. The odd assortment of salt and pepper shakers I've been collecting just like she did. A picture of us on my mantle. Her Bible that I can open and see her handwriting.

And I know it's time to say goodbye. I've managed to avoid doing that for twelve months. But it is time. Not to forget, not to stop grieving, because I'll always grieve, but time to move on. Time to be the mother I need to be to my children. Time to be the wife I need to be to my husband. Time to be the friend that my friends have been to me. Time to be good to myself. Time to let go of the regrets and the "should-haves" that plague my nights. Time for peace.

Friday, August 14, 2009

On the road

This is it.

Sunday is the one year mark. Today after I get off work I'm road tripping it home to be with my siblings and my sons.

I'm looking forward to the drive alone. Hubby has to work this weekend and I think he senses I need some time just with my brothers and sister.

Apparently my dad is also coming but didn't tell anyone until he mentioned it to me last night. I sent a text to my brother letting him know and his response was "dad needs to work on his communication skills."

I'm optimistic about this weekend. I'm sensing closure and healing in my near future.

I'm just thankful I survived this year. And I'm thankful for those of you who really helped, encouraging words and prayers go a long way.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Look Ma, no tears

We interrupt Diva's normal grief motivated rant to bring you some pictures.

Hubby and I went to the Or@nge County Fair twice this year. Thought I'd share some fun pics of food that I DID NOT eat.

I will admit that last year I did try the deep fried White Castle Burgers and the deep friend avocado. The burgers weren't that good, kinda mushy. Avocado was yummy.

A couple of weeks ago hubby and I went to an 80s themed birthday party for some of the people I train with. This one is me with "Cap." One of the girls from the dojo works for R@xy and they had a box of used 80s dresses that they let us have for the party. I almost picked the gold dress but I think I did ok with what I wore. Although I can't believe I wore horizontal stripes.

This is hubby and me. Notice the pink Izod shirt and members only jacket.

Another girl I train with. Her dress was actually a bridesmaid dress from her sister's wedding. Her sister made her wear this dress!!!

Me and my best friend!!!

This is me with my trainer who looks NOTHING like this in real life. For starters, he's bald. It's hard to see but there is a belt on my hips. This belt is on the loosest setting. I use to wear this belt on this setting around my hips. It was a good two to three inches too big, woohoo.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

I can show love, I just might do it differently than you

I've been blogging for a long time but one day in a fit of stupidity I erased one. I regret that a lot. For me blogging is pretty personal. I don't do it as a way to make a living, I don't sell advertising, it's just a place I vent. Often after I've blogged here, and I believe I mentioned this before, I feel totally different about whatever it was I was upset about. Sometimes, hell, almost all the time, it's just helpful to get it out of my head.

I also read some really amazing blogs. I can't believe that there are people who do this and make money. I could never be that talented and I'm impressed every day. I also can't believe how many people take the time to trash talk on blogs.

There are times when I disagree with something I've read in a blog or I could even be offended. When that happens I just take my mouse and click on that little "x" and voila the page is closed. I don't feel the need to leave my two cents because...well, why? I comment on a few of the blogs I read, I try to offer supportive comments or just a pat on the back.

And I'm constantly amazed by the supportive comments I've received here. People who are complete strangers have blessed me with their kind words. And then there are those times when someone feels the need to lecture me. Apparently they disagree with whatever choices I've made or whatever it is that's bothering me. So the other day when once again someone left a little lecture and then FOLLOWED IT WITH A BIBLE VERSE I got really pissed off.

I grew up in church. I have had bible verses thrown at me my whole entire life and here's what I've discovered. When you come at someone in a "shame on you" fashion and justify your lecture with a bible verse well you're just full of crap. That's not going to help me at all. And in reality I think it's only purpose is to help you feel better about yourself.

Next time you want to represent your Christian "love" trying offering to pray for someone. How about "I'm sorry you're having these issues, I'm praying that God will soften your heart." That's a nice way of letting me know you disagree with me and at the same time showing, oh don't know" KINDNESS.

And please don't think I'm against the bible or bible verses. My mom's Bible sits next to my bed and I can't even begin telling you how many times I've opened it.

A friend of mine sent me this the other day, I found it and her fabulous.

"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments."
Gustave Flaubert

P.S. I'm starting another blog. There are some personal issues that I just don't feel I can discuss here. If you're interested leave me a comment with your email.