Friday, June 19, 2009

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I almost picked up the phone and called you today. Every once in a while I find myself doing that. It's as if I forget for quick second that you're not here to talk to. After I finished interviewing three people today you were the first person I wanted to talk to. You would have appreciated the funny stories.

I mean really, when you ask a candidate why the job interests them and their answer is "because I have pain in my knees and back and I need to get it treated" you can't help but think, did you really say that out loud?

Today is your wedding anniversary. I bought you a card. How silly is that? Do you think the people in the grocery store were freaked out by the crazy redhead silently crying in front of the card display?

Really, most days I'm fine. But then a day will come up where I just can't stop crying. I miss you so much. I hate how everything has changed. I just want everything to be the way it was because now it just feels all broken.

Like my heart.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Molehills to Mountains

I promised an explanation of this.

For the past couple of years I've had this little freckle on my neck. It gets bigger, grows into a mole, and then fills with blood, pops, and goes away, then comes back a few months later as a freckle.

I know, totally gross.

This time it never went away. It just kept filling with blood. And it hurt. And it looked infected. So one of the medical assistants at my office suggested I run upstairs to the skin care office just to have them take a look at it. They look at my pale skin, my freckles, and my few moles and decide a complete screening is necessary. All of a sudden this quick trip upstairs has turned into something more. Now I'm naked in a paper robe while a doctor is viewing every mole with a special magnifying glass. And then she found something that she didn't like.

It's on my leg, on my calf. She mentioned that the edges were uneven and discolored. I stared at it for awhile while she was out of the room and honestly if I wasn't looking that closely for the discoloration I would have never noticed it. That mole has been shaved off.

She did a punch biopsy on my neck. I have two tiny sutures and am now sporting a very small round band aid. Sutures have to stay in until a week from tomorrow. It will take ten days to receive the results of the biopsy.

Everyone asks if I'm worried. I'm really not. With everything else that has been happening in my life this just seems like another bump on my journey.

It's painfully obvious that God is trying to get my attention. I just wish I knew for what.

Tomorrow hubby, the kids, and myself are headed here for the weekend. We are staying at a cabin that we won through a silent auction last October. It's literally taken us this long to get a free weekend. Three fireplaces, whirlpool bathtub, right on a creek. I'm thinking heaven. Plus, we don't have to worry about any linens, firewood, etc. All we need to bring is our clothes and food for the weekend. And I plan to spend the weekend in jeans and tshirts so it's probably the easiest trip I've ever packed for.

I'm just looking forward to relaxing with my family. But don't worry, the cabin does have wifi :)

Wordless Wednesday...explanation coming soon

Monday, June 08, 2009

And the Uglier

I read a lot of different blogs. Almost all are mom blogs with the exception of a few. Everyone writes in a different style. Some write tongue in cheek and they're very funny. Some are just straight forward discussing their lives, activities, and families.

I've been blogging for about six years. I don't do it for recognition. I don't blog in the hope that I'll become famous. I don't sell ads on my blog (not that there's anything wrong with that). For me, blogging is a way to get the stuff that is in my head out. It's pretty much how I just throw up everything I'm thinking/feeling as a way to sort it out. Kind of my way of finding out if what I'm feeling is real or needs a closer look.

I don't blog about everything going on. In fact I also keep a handwritten journal. Sometimes it's just not convenient to boot up the laptop and sort things out here.

So, imagine my surprise when my last post receives a comment that starts with "I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer" or maybe it was anymore, anyway, it started with that and then proceeded to trash me or should I say trash my feelings.

First, if you have been fighting to "keep your mouth shut" well, then, you're spending WAY too much time thinking about what I write here. I mean seriously, if what you read bothers you move the hell on.

Furthermore this is a snippet of my life. This is the place where I yell out all those things that I can't yell anywhere else. For the record, the day that I wrote that post I did talk to my dad. But, that's for another post.

I understand this is public. And I understand that being public means you run the risk of people leaving negative comments, yada, yada, yada. But I'm sorry, I just don't get it. As I said I read a lot of different blogs and I often read things that I a)don't understand or b)disagree with but I've never felt the need to trash someone on their own blog.

Thanks, I feel better now. Just needed to throw up my feelings again.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

It's not secret that I've been in a funk. It's a complete combination of factors and everything seems to meld into each other so I don't even know where to start. I could call my life The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Ugly:

My dad. After this conversation my dad and I haven't talked. He's called a few times but I haven't spoken to him. I'm not going to hide that fact that I'm hurt and angry. Last week my sister called me to tell me that my dad had called her and mentioned he felt like taking his own life because "his relationships were screwed up" and he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him. Then my sister tells me that I need to be the bigger person and call my dad because he's hurting. What about me? I'm hurting. What really made me angry is that then she uses God as a way to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right. Look, I know that eventually I have to forgive him. I understand what the Bible says. However, I don't think God's intention is for me to allow others to inflict pain on me and just shrug it off. I'm fairly sure that God is also concerned for my emotional welfare.

What also bugs me is that my dad used God as a way to justify that I should accept his relationship. God is my family's fallback guy.

The fact is that right now I'm fairly emotionally fragile and I'm still seriously grieving for my mom. My dad having a girlfriend, planning a wedding, and booking a honeymoon is not ok with me. I'M NOT OK WITH IT. That is my right. It's unfortunate that it hurts my dad BUT IT'S MY RIGHT. For way too long I have put everyone else's crap in front of mine. And this one time, it's my turn.

And seriously..calling and talking about taking your own life? What the hell is that? Because if you're really considering it you don't use it as a threat. TRUST ME. Back in January when my grief pretty much caused me to hit rock bottom I was considering it. Not as a way to hurt others or get people to do what I wanted, but just as a way to stop the pain. I simply didn't want to feel any anything any longer. I'm not proud that I felt this way. It's horrible. And even though I thought of it a lot, I just couldn't put my family through that. I'm not that selfish.

The Bad:

Work is killing me. I just can't ever seem to catch up and I've spent the last several weeks working myself to death trying to get everything done. The psychologist says I have a bad habit of wanting to try to fix everything and that the problem is I neglect myself because I'm trying to fix what's wrong with everybody and everything else. Which, by the way, made me feel really depressed for a couple of days when I realized she was right.

The last couple of weeks have been horrible. I'm barely working out, I haven't sparred since April. These are things that are really important to me. I go to bed with a headache, I wake up with a headache. I don't sleep well. I'm cranky with everyone. I'm so exhaused by the time I get home that I neglect my family and the other responsibilities I have.

For the love of God, I've been feeding my family leftovers for dinner.

The Good

In the past few weeks I have rediscovered how truly lucky I am for being married to such an amazing person. Seriously there is no way I could have survived the past nine months without him.

Beav performed in his musical on Sunday night. He was beaming on that stage and even though he didn't have a speaking part he really stood out. He is just so comfortable performing. On Monday morning one of his teachers pulled me aside and mentioned that she and another teacher were really impressed with his performance. She wanted to see how I felt about putting him in a performing arts high school after he's done with middle school. WOW. After all this crap, it was so nice to hear positive things. Because even with everything that's happened he's a pretty amazing kid.

So, that's the past few weeks. I've decided that I need to just write down a work schedule and stick to it. That means, not neglecting my workouts to go in early, stay late or work all day on the weekends.

I can do this.