Sunday, November 23, 2008

Wake Me When It's 2009

It's not that I'm blocked (because come on I'm not the wittiest chick around), I just have a hard time writing about it.....and talking about it. Besides, who wants to hear about it?

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. I had considered writing a post about her but I just couldn't do it. I spent the majority of the day alone (hubby had to work last night) and probably consumed more food for dinner and post dinner than I have in a normal single day. Have I ever mentioned I'm an emotional eater? However that's a subject for another day.

I understand why all this is hard. It was the first birthday. The first of many firsts...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, my parent's anniversary. I just never thought it would be this hard. I mean, yeah, I know losing someone you love is devastating, yada, yada, yada, but death is part of life? Right? I just never expected this. This huge dark cloud that at times makes it difficult to breathe. The crying. Every day, two or three times a day. At work, in the shower, driving. Anything sets it off. Songs are especially difficult.

A local grief counseling center offered a class on coping with grief during the holidays. I left during the first break. I just couldn’t handle all the touchy, feely, shit. Especially with strangers. Actually I can’t talk about it with people I know either. I can’t talk about it with hubby, my friends, my siblings, or my dad. It’s just so OVERWHELMING. I’m just worried that if I start saying all this stuff out loud it just becomes more real and I don’t think I can handle it.

I just want to stop feeling this way. I feel like a robot. On the outside I go about my regular activities and everything is normal. On the inside, I’m a complete wreck. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in over two weeks. I fall asleep, but I can’t stay that way. I’m completely exhausted. I chatted about it with the nurse the other day when I went to get my Depo-Provera shot. She thinks that eventually I’ll just crash however in the meantime she’s a bit concerned I’ll get sick. Apparently lack of rest compromises your immune system. I just feel like I’m operating on autopilot. I want it to end. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
Is it this hard for everyone? Am I whining too much? I just am not use to feeling like this. So..out of control where my emotions are concerned.

If I could just fast forward to after Christmas I’d be happy.

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