Sunday, October 25, 2009

Really, Grief does not make me horny

Yesterday my dad got married. Even though I know my mom is dead, yesterday kinda cemented the deal and it was way harder to deal with than I ever imagined.

I didn't go. Which is good because I spent Friday night/Saturday morning crying. Then I went and cleaned out the work storage. And then I went home and showered and did my best to stimulate the economy by indulging in some retail therapy.

Apparently when I'm upset and depressed I spend $200 at Fredericks of H@llywood. Hey, it costs a lot of money to carry these breasts around. Plus I bought a corset, and some panties, and some lingerie because it is my wedding anniversary this week and I would like to have sex because I haven't had any since my surgery and well, I'm horny.

Blame it on my age. 41, sexual peak, yada yada yada.

Hubby knows when I'm this upset to just let me be. I normally hate malls but it was a good place for me to be yesterday. Although truly, I don't need any more clothes. My closet is at full capacity. Seriously, it's disgusting.

I've only done this serious disregard for economizing once before and that was Mother's Day. And I took a lot of that stuff back.

I'm so glad I didn't go to my dad's wedding. I definitely would not have been ok. And his reaction when I told him I was considering not going.....well that sealed the deal. It would have been nice if he could have just been my dad for a few minutes. A little consideration, a little caring about my feelings....would have gone a long way.

Instead he just yelled and told me how I need to do things for him because apparently my feelings...yeah they don't matter.

But I survived. Although I feel like now I don't have a mom or a dad. My brothers and my sister, they feel the same way. We feel abandoned. It was as if my mom's death gave my dad a chance for a "do-over." And there's nothing wrong with that if it's handled correctly. Maybe wait a little longer than a year. Maybe try to ask your family to be involved instead of just telling them they have no choice. Maybe realize that your children really miss their mom.

God, I miss my mom. A lot.

Although she wouldn't be happy there is are pics of my boobs on the internet. But then she used to think I was way wilder than I really was.

Well, I was a little wild. Sometimes.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Boobs and Ravioli...not in that order

I must correct my last post. My surgery was NOT arthroscopic. Unfortunately an incision had to be made. I feel it's frankensteinish but I'm sure that will change soon. I'm taking one motrin twice a day to help with the pain but I'm frustrated by the lack of mobility. I started physical therapy last Friday so I'm hoping that helps a lot FAST.

Even with my lame arm I had lots to do last weekend. It was my turn to host our girlfriend dinner and I wanted to do it up right. I've been itching for a real dinner party so I did my best to go all out.

Here's what the table looked like before dinner.

I prepared the following courses and did my best to pair them with a great wine. Unfortunately I threw away the printed menus so I don't have the exact wines:

1st - Apricot and Chicken Bruschetta served with a Pinot Noir (HEAVENLY)

2nd- Butternut Squash Ravioli with Sage Brown Butter Sauce served with a Chardonnay (first time making ravioli from scratch and it was WAY too thick)

3rd - Grilled Pork Tenderloin a la Rodriguez with Guaza Glaza and Orange-Habanero Mojo served with a Tempranillo (thank you food network for this amazing recipe)

Dessert - Sweet Dessert Panini served with a Peach champagne (again thank you Food Network)

All of it was yummy (except for the thick ravioli)

Do you know when you don't feel sexy? When you've got a long ugly scar on your shoulder. So I did this today to help me feel better about myself. Hubby gave it two thumbs up. Fair warning, not a work or kid friendly pic.

Last but not least for you haters out there I have decided to NOT attend my dad's wedding this weekend. I'm just not ready. I don't want to put myself through that and it dawned on me last week that my father has turned into a selfish hypocrite and right now I don't even have any respect for him at all. And that makes me very sad.

So, if that bothers you, check out my boobs again to help you forget.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Finding my way back...the hard way

If you've been following me on twitter and really who doesn't (insert eye roll here) you should know I had shoulder surgery last Monday. More specifically arthroscopic surgery for a bone spur.

I'm not a wimpy girl. I did get this injury from kickboxing. During the past year I've suffered a broken foot and a cracked rib. I consider myself pretty tough. So when the doctor warned me that this surgery is particularly painful afterwards I figured he was exaggerating a bit...or he just didn't understand how tough I am. I had planned to be back at kickboxing tomorrow..a week post surgery.

In fact after the surgery I was feeling not bad at all and surprised that it didn't hurt that much. I wasn't taking into account that the doctor injects anesthetic into the surgical site when he closes it up.

Boy was I wrong. This shit HURTS. Almost a week later and I still can't lift my left arm above my chest. The pain is constant and the only reprieve is the hour that I'm hooked up to the cold compression therapy machine (I'm sure there's a shorter name for it, but whatever). I am supposed to sit with this machine seven times a day. That means I'm supposed to sit idle for seven hours a day. I have no idea how to do that.

I have been given Vicodin to help with the pain but it makes me itch and I start to resemble a crack addict scratching at herself. I stopped taking it but gave in again when the pain became unbearable. I halved the dose and that seems to help. For those of you who are worried about addiction possibility, I'm taking two Vicodin A DAY so I think I'm ok. I don't take it at night because I am one of the people that Vicodin keeps awake. Yep, no drowsy here. About two hours after I take the pill I'm very much awake which is why on Monday night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. Seriously, had I not just had surgery I could have gotten up and made an entire Thanksgiving meal, that's how alert I was.

I'm not even going to talk about the mounds of work I brought home with me thinking I was going to get everything done this week. I've hardly touched it.

On the plus side I was able to catch up on a lot of reading and Dexter.

On the down side when I'm bored, I eat. Sitting around, eating and not being able to work out - I feel like the Pillsbury doughboy.

I guess I thought the doc would go in there, fix the problem and I'd feel all better. I didn't realize that there would be a time delay for the "feel all better" part.

Hopefully this will make my left cross stronger than ever.

And it does help with my priorities. I've neglected a lot of things I do for me - reading, blogging, reading blogs, etc, because of work. The truth is I'll never be caught up. I can only do what I can do and beating myself up about it doesn't help at all.

And I'm going to do a vision board. A visual reminder of my goals, dreams, and aspirations.

Because somewhere along the way I lost my way.