Thursday, October 09, 2008

Oh sweetness, when will you be mine?

I’m so angry………with myself. I have seriously been out of control. I weigh myself every morning. I understand that for some people, that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing to weigh yourself every day if you’re going to obsess to the point of not eating if your weight is up on a particular day. I don’t have that issue, although sometimes I wish I did.

I am up 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but it’s half the weight I lost since I started kickboxing. All the size smaller clothes I bought are tight. I’m so disgusted with myself I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday two out of three meals were FAST FOOD. Up until recently I rarely touched fast food. Now it’s become a staple. What the hell is that about? The other day I ate a big ass cinnamon roll with a soda for breakfast. This is not who I am. This is just disgusting.
I know that part of the problem is I’m depressed because of my mom. As much as I’d like to think I can get up and say ‘ok, enough with that, things have to change,’ I’m not going to stop being upset. Some people have suggested professional counseling. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think what I’m going through is normal, under the circumstances, and I just need to work through it. So, while I can’t control the myriad of emotions that I constantly feel on a daily basis, I can control how I react to it…..can’t I?

This whole eating thing touches on everything else in my life. I feel like shit physically so then I don’t want to work out. I go to bed early because I just am tired and I don’t feel good. I haven’t been having sex and as much as I’d like to blame it on issues with my hubby I strongly suspect that the real issue is how I feel about myself. Because feeling sexy starts on the inside. No matter what you’re size you can be sexy, if you feel sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I feel sexy on the inside when I know I’m taking care of myself and being healthy.

And that’s another thing. This kind of shit is EXACTLY what killed my mother. It’s part of why I’m so angry with her. She could have been healthy. She could have prevented dying at the age of 60. Had she only taken care of herself, she’d be here today. I can’t even go into all of this right now because it will just make me fall apart and I have to get ready for work. But the bottom line is….if I don’t stop…that’s how I will end up.

Maybe getting all of this out of my head will help. God, I hope so.

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