I know, I haven't updated lately. It's been rough and I've been having a bad time lately and I haven't really wanted to write about it.
I just feel like a hideous horrible unworthy person.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't think I"m a good person. I don't feel like a good mom. I don't feel like a good wife.
The truth is I have to deal with these feelings but every time I start to I just push it aside.
I just wish I knew how to be less angry all the time.
Ever feel you're on the edge of a cliff and the way to save yourself is just right there out of your reach...just outside the reach of your fingertips.
That's how I feel.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Training to be a better person
I can't believe how relaxed I have been since I've changed my activities to match my priorities. Seems like a simple enough concept. Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
I've restarted my training and so far since last Friday I've been five times, woohoo! I did spar on Saturday and got my ass kicked, and that's putting it mildly. I was supposed to spar on Sunday also, but just couldn't do it. I hurt beyond belief....both physically and mentally. I'm going to try again this Sunday.
God help me.
Speaking of God. I found a prayer journal that belonged to my mom. It's one of those daily journals. Apparently she only got to January 1st :). Like mother like daughter. Perhaps I'll pick up where she left off. Hopefully I'll get farther than one day.
Other than that, not a lot else going on. There is something big happening at work but I can't go into it here. Maybe after it all gets resolved.
I've restarted my training and so far since last Friday I've been five times, woohoo! I did spar on Saturday and got my ass kicked, and that's putting it mildly. I was supposed to spar on Sunday also, but just couldn't do it. I hurt beyond belief....both physically and mentally. I'm going to try again this Sunday.
God help me.
Speaking of God. I found a prayer journal that belonged to my mom. It's one of those daily journals. Apparently she only got to January 1st :). Like mother like daughter. Perhaps I'll pick up where she left off. Hopefully I'll get farther than one day.
Other than that, not a lot else going on. There is something big happening at work but I can't go into it here. Maybe after it all gets resolved.
Friday, January 29, 2010
See...I can learn
After my epiphany the other night I've spent the past few nights really doing some thinking.
I've been living this crazy active super busy lifestyle since I was sixteen. I've never known anything else. I realized that I don't want to be super busy any longer. But...here's the kicker. If I'm not constantly busy, doing things, I feel worthless. My busy schedule is how I gauge my self-worth. I know, I'm clearly insane. Then I spent some time trying to figure out how to reprioritize my life. Here's where I am -
My relationship with God
My Family
My Training
My Job (yes, it's number four - it pays for the training)
School
Everything else
Here's how my life was being lived:
Work
School
Family
Training
My relationship with God
See a problem?
Here's what I'm doing:
My relationship with God - I do need to go to church more, but more importantly than that I need to take more time to develop a personal relationship. I need to read the Bible more and spend some quiet time in prayer.
My family - Sunday is supposed to be family day (well, except for Super Bowl, because the kids aren't into football) but lately I spend Sunday trying to catch up on everything I didn't have time to do during the week, including homework. So, Sunday is back to family day (except every other Sunday morning I do spar), don't judge.
Training - Even my trainer said today, I was happiest when I was training hard core. I miss it so so I went back at it full strength today. My trainer wants to put me on the list for our fight night in April, not sure I'll be ready though. Either way it feels good to be back. Besides I'm up 15 lbs since my surgery and I can't have that.
Work - Yeah, work is important. It pays for the training and the things I do with my family. And...it gives me self-worth, yeah I know I need to work on that.
School - Yes it's so important I finish. But taking ten units while working full time is just, well, stupid. So, I dropped the statistics class this semester and I'm at a happy six units. So, it might take me a little longer, but I'll get there. I'm still taking off a bit early two days a week so I can come home and do some homework.
When I made these decisions a couple of things happened. First, my stress level went down SIGNIFICANTLY. I've slept more this week than I have since I don't know when. Second, I immediately started to think about what I could get done with this new free time. Then I had to slap myself.
The hard part is trying to figure out where I learned that my self worth is defined by how hard I push myself to accomplish the impossible.
My therapist is going to work with me on this, but she's proud I've discovered all of this by myself.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
E=mc who cares
It's not that I don't like school, because I do. I love school. I do hate that I've never finished college. I mean I REALLY hate it. It makes me feel really stupid.
:
When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago carrying 10-12 units wasn't that big of a deal because I was only working 24 hours a week. But then a year ago everything went down at my office and I went from a 24 hour a week medical biller to a 50- 60 hour a week office manager for a six physician practice.
So this semester I decided to go back. I'm carrying ten units, although one of my classes doesn't start until March. Last week because I got sick as all heck I missed a week of my statistics class and I'm so behind it hurts. A week of statistics is like seven human years, or something like that.
And I'm tired. This is an example of what Tuesdays are like for me. I'm at work by 7:15, work until 3, drive to school. Have class until 6pm. Drive back to Long Beach. Pic up Beav, come home, eat dinner, do homework. Thursday is the same except I drive to Long Beach and go to the dojo and take the 6:30 class.
And that's another thing. It really cuts into my training time and I miss training.
It sounds like I'm whining, doesn't it? Well I'm just trying to talk myself out of feeling like a loser if I drop the statistics class. The truth is though I have to have this class so I still have to take it. I'm just frustrated knowing that it's taking forever to get this done.
But is the important thing...isn't that I'm trying to get it done?
Truth is, I'm 41 and I work really hard. I don't want to spend my entire weekends doing homework. Not when I have a family here that I want to spend time with.
Yep, I'm totally rationalizing.
And I still feel like a loser.
:
When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago carrying 10-12 units wasn't that big of a deal because I was only working 24 hours a week. But then a year ago everything went down at my office and I went from a 24 hour a week medical biller to a 50- 60 hour a week office manager for a six physician practice.
So this semester I decided to go back. I'm carrying ten units, although one of my classes doesn't start until March. Last week because I got sick as all heck I missed a week of my statistics class and I'm so behind it hurts. A week of statistics is like seven human years, or something like that.
And I'm tired. This is an example of what Tuesdays are like for me. I'm at work by 7:15, work until 3, drive to school. Have class until 6pm. Drive back to Long Beach. Pic up Beav, come home, eat dinner, do homework. Thursday is the same except I drive to Long Beach and go to the dojo and take the 6:30 class.
And that's another thing. It really cuts into my training time and I miss training.
It sounds like I'm whining, doesn't it? Well I'm just trying to talk myself out of feeling like a loser if I drop the statistics class. The truth is though I have to have this class so I still have to take it. I'm just frustrated knowing that it's taking forever to get this done.
But is the important thing...isn't that I'm trying to get it done?
Truth is, I'm 41 and I work really hard. I don't want to spend my entire weekends doing homework. Not when I have a family here that I want to spend time with.
Yep, I'm totally rationalizing.
And I still feel like a loser.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Thursday Ten
I've done Thursday Ten before which I copied from Sarah, who is a cool chick and said it was ok. Thought I would try it again.
1. Wow this post got me four comments, woohoo! That's a lot for me. Nice to know what I said actually touched a cord with some people. I will have to post more on that subject and how messed up I am in my relationship with God.
2. My children are expensive. This week alone I have paid for - $300 registration fee for Einstein at NAU, $220 flight to Flagstaff to visit NAU, $953 - PARTIAL PAYMENT for Beav's eighth grade trip to DC, $100 deposit for Einstein's class ring, announcements, cap/gown.
3. I am thankful that I can afford to do the things above. Truly thankful. My parent's didn't even encourage me to go to college and I'm so unbelievably proud of Einstein. And I've never been to DC or New York and both my kids will have been there.
4. My ex husband is meeting me in Arizona and we're driving together to Flagstaff to visit the school and attend orientation. It's cool that we can do things like that. A little weird, but cool. I know a lot of divorced couples who could never handle it. His dad really, I think, wanted him to attend school in state but I think Einstein is ready to get a little distance from home.
5. I'm a total type A personality. Lists for everything, everything has a place....yet Beav is a complete and total slob. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. He just can't keep his things together or tidy. I'm torn between just accepting that is who he is and determined to get him to clean up a bit.
6. I have not worked out all week because of this STUPID cold. Spoke to my trainer yesterday, well tried to anyway with a very squeaky voice. He kept telling me that my phone was cutting out, "that's not my phone, that's my voice." He then told me to stay away from the dojo until I was better. That place, when it gets all steamy and sweaty inside, is like a bathhouse for germs. If nothing I'll be there tomorrow for my private. He's good at creating workouts around whatever is going on with me.
7. I'm happy to be back in school, however, not happy I have a statistics quiz today. That stuff is hard, especially right now because it's all about definitions and terms and I have this stupid cold and my head hurts all the time. Our teacher is swedish, I think, and half of what she says is difficult to understand. Half the time I look around at the younger students and think to myself "did she really wear that to school/when did I turn into my mother?" One day last week over half the class were wearing flannel shirts. Talk about a trend.
8. I have no plans for the weekend ahead. Woohoo. Was thinking of buying tickets for the rodeo but with hubby feeling sick not sure he'll be up to it. Bull riding is not one of my favorite rodeo sports, I prefer bronco busting, but I'll take what I can get.
9. Speaking of hubby being sick, I'm a total loser. I was really out of it for two days, hubby had to do pretty much everything. Now that he is sick I totally lack empathy. It's something I seriously need to change about myself. I have no patience for illness. His cold has turbo-charged his snoring so the lack of sleep for the past two nights isn't helping me at all. I need to pray for patience.
10. Looked through some of my past posts and wow have some things seriously changed in my life and I have to say, mostly for the good. Yay me! I also need to clean up my layout. I'm totally not a mommy blogger..some of those gals are kinda mean to each other. I'm happy over here in my little blog world with my four commenters.
Have a great day.
1. Wow this post got me four comments, woohoo! That's a lot for me. Nice to know what I said actually touched a cord with some people. I will have to post more on that subject and how messed up I am in my relationship with God.
2. My children are expensive. This week alone I have paid for - $300 registration fee for Einstein at NAU, $220 flight to Flagstaff to visit NAU, $953 - PARTIAL PAYMENT for Beav's eighth grade trip to DC, $100 deposit for Einstein's class ring, announcements, cap/gown.
3. I am thankful that I can afford to do the things above. Truly thankful. My parent's didn't even encourage me to go to college and I'm so unbelievably proud of Einstein. And I've never been to DC or New York and both my kids will have been there.
4. My ex husband is meeting me in Arizona and we're driving together to Flagstaff to visit the school and attend orientation. It's cool that we can do things like that. A little weird, but cool. I know a lot of divorced couples who could never handle it. His dad really, I think, wanted him to attend school in state but I think Einstein is ready to get a little distance from home.
5. I'm a total type A personality. Lists for everything, everything has a place....yet Beav is a complete and total slob. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. He just can't keep his things together or tidy. I'm torn between just accepting that is who he is and determined to get him to clean up a bit.
6. I have not worked out all week because of this STUPID cold. Spoke to my trainer yesterday, well tried to anyway with a very squeaky voice. He kept telling me that my phone was cutting out, "that's not my phone, that's my voice." He then told me to stay away from the dojo until I was better. That place, when it gets all steamy and sweaty inside, is like a bathhouse for germs. If nothing I'll be there tomorrow for my private. He's good at creating workouts around whatever is going on with me.
7. I'm happy to be back in school, however, not happy I have a statistics quiz today. That stuff is hard, especially right now because it's all about definitions and terms and I have this stupid cold and my head hurts all the time. Our teacher is swedish, I think, and half of what she says is difficult to understand. Half the time I look around at the younger students and think to myself "did she really wear that to school/when did I turn into my mother?" One day last week over half the class were wearing flannel shirts. Talk about a trend.
8. I have no plans for the weekend ahead. Woohoo. Was thinking of buying tickets for the rodeo but with hubby feeling sick not sure he'll be up to it. Bull riding is not one of my favorite rodeo sports, I prefer bronco busting, but I'll take what I can get.
9. Speaking of hubby being sick, I'm a total loser. I was really out of it for two days, hubby had to do pretty much everything. Now that he is sick I totally lack empathy. It's something I seriously need to change about myself. I have no patience for illness. His cold has turbo-charged his snoring so the lack of sleep for the past two nights isn't helping me at all. I need to pray for patience.
10. Looked through some of my past posts and wow have some things seriously changed in my life and I have to say, mostly for the good. Yay me! I also need to clean up my layout. I'm totally not a mommy blogger..some of those gals are kinda mean to each other. I'm happy over here in my little blog world with my four commenters.
Have a great day.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Felt so much better after my last post.
Now if I could just rid myself of this head cold. It's seriously kicking my ass. Missed kickboxing and sparring this morning because the thought of getting hit in my head just was too much. Since right now it feels THIS BIG. 
Besides, I miss sparring.....believe it or not. My trainer doesn't believe it because I haven't had time to drag my sorry ass in on Saturday morning. If I can manage to breathe through my nose tomorrow morning I plan to be there.
Another reason I need to go is that old saying "feed a cold...." because I appear to have taken that quite literally. Seriously, I can't get enough to eat. It's the oddest thing. On the plus side my shoulder is coming along nicely. It's still sore and hurts but more often when I don't work out which is a good sign.
Thanks to feeling so miserable I haven't gotten anything done today that I planned to do. But, tonight is our girlfriend dinner and I"ll be damned if I miss that. Sis-in-law is headed here at four so we can go over together so I have until then to feel halfway normal.
Tomorrow the family is hoping to see Sherlock Holmes as long as I don't sneeze my way through the movie.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Coming out of the closet or why you should unfollow me
Pat Robertson is an idiot. That being said and out of the way there are some other things I have to get off my chest.
Ever since the aforementioned idiot once again opened his mouth I've seen all kinds of verbal/twitter attacks against Christians as a whole. And I don't understand why this is ok. This morning someone I follow/followED on twitter went as far as to say right-wingers/conservatives, etc hated colored people..yada yada yada you get the idea.
I grew up in church and then I quit going for a very long time. I realized that I only went because it was habit. Because that's what my parents did. I quit because I realized I wasn't going because I had any kind of real relationship with Christ. Over the past few years that's been changing.
I am a Christian. The born again kind. I'm not the best Christian I can be. I make a lot of mistakes and I'm finding my way down this road. I don't consider myself religious or part of a religion although I do go to a Baptist church. I consider myself a Christian. I accept the Bible as truth, I've accepted Christ as my saviour, I'm a sinner.
I'm also NOT a registered republican. I don't stand outside abortion clinics with pictures of unborn babies. Personally I feel that if you're standing outside an abortion clinic protesting you better be part of the solution. You better have adopted or fostered an unwanted child. You better be supporting an orphanage. You better be doing something to help solve the problem other than standing on a sidewalk and yelling at people
I pretty much feel that way about all kinds of, what I'll refer to as social causes. I attend a church that invests a lot of time and money in local organizations catering to homeless people and foster children. The woman that leads the charge with foster children adopted five of them. Those are the people I prefer to know. People who are part of the solution. My brother, a missionary, is currently organizing a trip to Haiti. He has a heart for Uganda and has been there already. He is part of the solution.
In the past few months I've been slowly awakening to what is required to call myself a Christian. I've been keeping it to myself because and I'm so ashamed to admit this, what if I twitter or facebook about my relationship with Christ and people don't want to be my friend?
I am ashamed. Because seriously, if you can't look past a label and see who I am as a person why would I want you to be my friend? Because I'm a pretty cool chick. I've done some bad things. I've done things I'm ashamed of. And I do a lot of good things and I'm hoping that I do more good in the future and less of the things I'm ashamed of.
So for the record here it is. I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't hate minorities, I'm pro-choice and every once in a while I like a good cigar. I like to read the Bible and I accept it as truth. I have piercings and tattoos. I swear, but I am trying to stop.
But most importantly I try to part of the solution. Soapboxes are easy to stand on working towards a solution is a lot more difficult.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot....I married a right-wing, conservative, Republican. For the record he also doesn't hate gays, minorities, he's pro-choice, but he hates cigars :)
Ever since the aforementioned idiot once again opened his mouth I've seen all kinds of verbal/twitter attacks against Christians as a whole. And I don't understand why this is ok. This morning someone I follow/followED on twitter went as far as to say right-wingers/conservatives, etc hated colored people..yada yada yada you get the idea.
I grew up in church and then I quit going for a very long time. I realized that I only went because it was habit. Because that's what my parents did. I quit because I realized I wasn't going because I had any kind of real relationship with Christ. Over the past few years that's been changing.
I am a Christian. The born again kind. I'm not the best Christian I can be. I make a lot of mistakes and I'm finding my way down this road. I don't consider myself religious or part of a religion although I do go to a Baptist church. I consider myself a Christian. I accept the Bible as truth, I've accepted Christ as my saviour, I'm a sinner.
I'm also NOT a registered republican. I don't stand outside abortion clinics with pictures of unborn babies. Personally I feel that if you're standing outside an abortion clinic protesting you better be part of the solution. You better have adopted or fostered an unwanted child. You better be supporting an orphanage. You better be doing something to help solve the problem other than standing on a sidewalk and yelling at people
I pretty much feel that way about all kinds of, what I'll refer to as social causes. I attend a church that invests a lot of time and money in local organizations catering to homeless people and foster children. The woman that leads the charge with foster children adopted five of them. Those are the people I prefer to know. People who are part of the solution. My brother, a missionary, is currently organizing a trip to Haiti. He has a heart for Uganda and has been there already. He is part of the solution.
In the past few months I've been slowly awakening to what is required to call myself a Christian. I've been keeping it to myself because and I'm so ashamed to admit this, what if I twitter or facebook about my relationship with Christ and people don't want to be my friend?
I am ashamed. Because seriously, if you can't look past a label and see who I am as a person why would I want you to be my friend? Because I'm a pretty cool chick. I've done some bad things. I've done things I'm ashamed of. And I do a lot of good things and I'm hoping that I do more good in the future and less of the things I'm ashamed of.
So for the record here it is. I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't hate minorities, I'm pro-choice and every once in a while I like a good cigar. I like to read the Bible and I accept it as truth. I have piercings and tattoos. I swear, but I am trying to stop.
But most importantly I try to part of the solution. Soapboxes are easy to stand on working towards a solution is a lot more difficult.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot....I married a right-wing, conservative, Republican. For the record he also doesn't hate gays, minorities, he's pro-choice, but he hates cigars :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Why I'm a twit
Dear faithful readers (all three of you). I've just taken my antibiotics for a wonderful ear infection that I've had the luck to come down with the same week I start back at school. Because I obviously don't have enough to worry about.
I should be in bed....and that is my next stop but this post has been sitting in my head for a few days so time to get it out.
I've been on twitter for well over a year now. I thoroughly enjoy it and tweet often. I keep my tweets locked and I find that the same people keep asking permission to follow me...and it got me to thinking about why they want to follow me.
I understand that a lot of people tweet for marketing purposes, to help grow their businesses, etc. I don't. I tweet because I enjoy the people I "meet" via twitter. A lot of the people I follow on twitter also blog and their blogs are on my reader page. Twitter brings me into contact with a lot of people that, in all honesty, in real life I might not be friends with. People who think completely different than I do...people who really add to my life by sharing their insights on different subjects. Simply put I love twitter because I love meeting new people.
That being said, I do follow some people based purely on hobbies or things I enjoy doing. I follow a lot of people on twitter because of their association with wine or wineries. The majority of these individuals I never have discussions with but I find their tweets useful.
When someone does reply to me on twitter I often make the effort to reply back. Although sometimes there just isn't anything I can add to the conversation. There are many times though that I've replied to others and have NEVER received a response. Those are the people I drop because a)they're not interested in twitter relationships; b)they don't follow me; or c)they follow just way too many people.
I also admit that there are times, and there have been many, when my fellow tweeters have really helped me through rough spots. The online twitter friendships I have made because of common issues of grief have been godsends to me on really rough days.
I'm really not sure what the point of this post is but I just felt I needed to say it. For me twitter and/or F@cebook isn't a popularity contest. Instead it's just a great way for me to socialize with other people. And if you're one of them I thank you.
I should be in bed....and that is my next stop but this post has been sitting in my head for a few days so time to get it out.
I've been on twitter for well over a year now. I thoroughly enjoy it and tweet often. I keep my tweets locked and I find that the same people keep asking permission to follow me...and it got me to thinking about why they want to follow me.
I understand that a lot of people tweet for marketing purposes, to help grow their businesses, etc. I don't. I tweet because I enjoy the people I "meet" via twitter. A lot of the people I follow on twitter also blog and their blogs are on my reader page. Twitter brings me into contact with a lot of people that, in all honesty, in real life I might not be friends with. People who think completely different than I do...people who really add to my life by sharing their insights on different subjects. Simply put I love twitter because I love meeting new people.
That being said, I do follow some people based purely on hobbies or things I enjoy doing. I follow a lot of people on twitter because of their association with wine or wineries. The majority of these individuals I never have discussions with but I find their tweets useful.
When someone does reply to me on twitter I often make the effort to reply back. Although sometimes there just isn't anything I can add to the conversation. There are many times though that I've replied to others and have NEVER received a response. Those are the people I drop because a)they're not interested in twitter relationships; b)they don't follow me; or c)they follow just way too many people.
I also admit that there are times, and there have been many, when my fellow tweeters have really helped me through rough spots. The online twitter friendships I have made because of common issues of grief have been godsends to me on really rough days.
I'm really not sure what the point of this post is but I just felt I needed to say it. For me twitter and/or F@cebook isn't a popularity contest. Instead it's just a great way for me to socialize with other people. And if you're one of them I thank you.
Friday, January 01, 2010
My Plans for 2010
Even though I don't do resolutions there are a number of things that I would like to accomplish this year. Here's my list so far:
1. Read The Purpose Driven Life which has been sitting next to my bed for a year!
2. Finish all the classes I need to transfer to four year.
3. Apply to four year university (and hopefully get accepted)
4. Spend a weekend away with my husband at least once every four months.
5. Become a certified coder.
6. Join the Kiwanis. I've aged out of the overachievers and I miss community service.
7. Take cooking classes....I just want to be better.
8. Go with Einstein to an out of state Nascar race (preferably Talladega or Daytona).
1. Read The Purpose Driven Life which has been sitting next to my bed for a year!
2. Finish all the classes I need to transfer to four year.
3. Apply to four year university (and hopefully get accepted)
4. Spend a weekend away with my husband at least once every four months.
5. Become a certified coder.
6. Join the Kiwanis. I've aged out of the overachievers and I miss community service.
7. Take cooking classes....I just want to be better.
8. Go with Einstein to an out of state Nascar race (preferably Talladega or Daytona).
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Year Quiz
I totally stole this from warcrygirl...but it seemed a fitting way to end 2009.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? I ran a six physician orthopedic practice. If you had told me a year ago I'd be doing this I would have called you crazy.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make for next year? I don't believe in resolutions. I prefer to set goals, but really it's the same thing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister, but then that happens every year.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully no.
5. What countries did you visit? None, but I got lost in Nevada does that count?
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Inner peace.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? January, when my best friend kindly advised me I had become a bitch and perhaps wasn't dealing with my mom's death well. This got me into therapy and I'm very thankful to be moving towards a healthier mental state. March 3, 2009 when my boss called me to tell me that my office manager had messed up horribly and I was needed to help save the practice.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Successfully taking over the practice. Finding closure on my mom's death.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not really being there for my family like I should have been.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Let's see a cracked rib and then shoulder surgery. I'd say yep.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I really have no idea.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Beav...he's improved so much at school.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My father who fails to understand that other's have feelings that are as equally important as his.
14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, paying things off, including the IRS, ugh.
15. What did you get really excited about? Einstein getting into college.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? There's a song I heard this year by Taylor Swift called "The Best Day" which always makes me think of my mom.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-happier or sadder? I think I'm happier, or at least I'm on my way
-thinner or fatter? Thinner
-richer or poorer? I wouldn't say I'm richer, but I definitely worry less
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spent time with my family.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Work.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my siblings and all of our kids. I LOVED IT.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Only with the Zaca Mesa Syrah.
22. What was your favorite TV program? I can't say I have one.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't spend my energy on hating people.
24. What was the best book you read? It's two. My Sister's Keeper and The Lovely Bones really helped me get closure on my grief.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I discovered Amos Lee this year. Love him.
26. What did you want and get? My kitchen aid mixer.
27. What did you want and not get? Seriously? Nothing. I just buy it myself, lol.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Don't have one.
29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Got hair extensions, went to dinner and I am 41.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finishing school.
31. What would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? If it makes me feel happy to wear it, I do.
32. What kept you sane? Apparently nothing
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I've been crushing on Justin Timberlake forever. (Justin, call me)
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care because there is so much misinformation out there.
35. Who did you miss? My mom...always
36. Who was the best new person you met? Wow..can't really say although there are quite a few people on twitter that I've never met who have been super supportive to me this year.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Sometimes the people that you think you can count on forever are the ones that disappoint you the most.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I just can't come up with a song lyric like that, lol.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? I ran a six physician orthopedic practice. If you had told me a year ago I'd be doing this I would have called you crazy.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make for next year? I don't believe in resolutions. I prefer to set goals, but really it's the same thing.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister, but then that happens every year.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully no.
5. What countries did you visit? None, but I got lost in Nevada does that count?
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Inner peace.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? January, when my best friend kindly advised me I had become a bitch and perhaps wasn't dealing with my mom's death well. This got me into therapy and I'm very thankful to be moving towards a healthier mental state. March 3, 2009 when my boss called me to tell me that my office manager had messed up horribly and I was needed to help save the practice.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Successfully taking over the practice. Finding closure on my mom's death.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not really being there for my family like I should have been.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Let's see a cracked rib and then shoulder surgery. I'd say yep.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I really have no idea.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Beav...he's improved so much at school.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My father who fails to understand that other's have feelings that are as equally important as his.
14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, paying things off, including the IRS, ugh.
15. What did you get really excited about? Einstein getting into college.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? There's a song I heard this year by Taylor Swift called "The Best Day" which always makes me think of my mom.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-happier or sadder? I think I'm happier, or at least I'm on my way
-thinner or fatter? Thinner
-richer or poorer? I wouldn't say I'm richer, but I definitely worry less
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spent time with my family.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Work.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my siblings and all of our kids. I LOVED IT.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Only with the Zaca Mesa Syrah.
22. What was your favorite TV program? I can't say I have one.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't spend my energy on hating people.
24. What was the best book you read? It's two. My Sister's Keeper and The Lovely Bones really helped me get closure on my grief.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I discovered Amos Lee this year. Love him.
26. What did you want and get? My kitchen aid mixer.
27. What did you want and not get? Seriously? Nothing. I just buy it myself, lol.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Don't have one.
29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Got hair extensions, went to dinner and I am 41.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finishing school.
31. What would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? If it makes me feel happy to wear it, I do.
32. What kept you sane? Apparently nothing
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I've been crushing on Justin Timberlake forever. (Justin, call me)
34. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care because there is so much misinformation out there.
35. Who did you miss? My mom...always
36. Who was the best new person you met? Wow..can't really say although there are quite a few people on twitter that I've never met who have been super supportive to me this year.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Sometimes the people that you think you can count on forever are the ones that disappoint you the most.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I just can't come up with a song lyric like that, lol.
Monday, December 28, 2009
It's December 28th do you know where your resolutions are?
Now that I've caught up on the gazillion items in my reader I have a moment to blog. Noticed three specific themes while reading other blogs. 1. Best of 2009, 2. Christmas, 3. New Year's Resolutions.
I can't really do a "best of" because I don't update the blog enough. My blog is not "best of" worthy. Maybe one day..when it grows up to be a real blog.
Christmas....I'll get to that.
New Year's Resolutions...don't really do them..but I do promise to update more.
Christmas - Hubby and I left Long Beach on Thursday for the drive to the Sacramento area. It took us only SIX hours which is our best time yet..and that's with a gas stop. We're staying with one of my brothers and his wife and the rest of my siblings and their kids all joined us for Christmas. It was awesome..fourteen kids. We had a great time opening gifts and just laughing. I laughed a lot. It was sad that my dad wasn't there, but that's on him. There were a few emotional moments. My sister brought over some baked goods, specifically some specialties my mom used to make. I hadn't seen those since before she passed and I shed a few tears while enjoying the tasty treats. My sister in law gave us all this beautiful poem framed about loss and memory. All of us teared up at that..but again..it was ok. Christmas is for memories and my mom helped us make a lot of those. For that we are very blessed.
Initially the husband I planned to spend the holiday on the road. We had originally planned an extended road trip but my brother persuaded us to spend the holiday with him and my siblings and I'm glad we did. We did part of our road trip anyway and took off on Sunday for Santa Cruz.
I love Santa Cruz. It's always been one of my favorite places and hubby has never been so it was fun to share it with him. We did some exploring and shopping. And of course we ate at the wharf..an overpriced dinner that catered to tourists...but what the heck. That's when the trip took a weird turn.
I haven't talked about it much but the husband and I have been doing very poorly. Poorly to the point that growing old together didn't seem like an option. I don't want to go into details about the issue...but it was a big one. And it's grown worse over the past several months. Our relationship had deteriorated to the point that it was just difficult being around him. I hate that. It takes a lot of energy to be unhappy and I was very unhappy. And I did try to let go...but everytime I did I was reminded that the issue still existed and it wasn't going to go away. I have tried talking about it to him but that didn't seem to work either and I truly had given up.
So...before we went to dinner he asked me why I looked upset and I told him that I was sad because here we are on this little trip away and it's impossible to truly enjoy it because things aren't right. Once we sat down to dinner the discussion began and it wasn't a great one. It just didn't seem like we were hearing each other. At least the restaurant was slow and we had an entire section to ourselves. Once we finished eating we told the waitress that we were just going to sit back and finish our bottle of wine and she left us alone for a bit.
The final straw of our discussion was when he told me that he realized what needed to be changed but didn't know if it was worth attempting because perhaps I had already given up....and that's when I reminded him that if it was truly important to him..it wouldn't matter if I had. If our relationship was truly that important he wouldn't stop to think about if it was too late..he'd try anyway.
Then there was total silence for quite a few minutes. He realized that I was right. I had to explain that by his lack of response in the past I had to assume that he just didn't care. Because if he did care, wouldn't he do something?
Now..everything isn't all honky dory and we didn't go back to the hotel and make out like teenagers because this is real life. And this is a real problem. It's going to take some time.
But it was nice to feel that he "got" it.
We got up this morning and headed to San Francisco where we did some more shopping (I know, but I really needed those boots...and the pumps...) We had a fabulous lunch and a very nice afternoon.
We still have a lot of work to do. But I feel better about things. Being angry, hurt, and upset does take up so much energy and even though I don't believe in resolutions I do want to be happier in 2010.
The one thing that I did accomplish this year was I finally received closure on losing my mom. It's still hard and I still have bad days but I feel better. I've reached a point where even though I miss her so much every day I feel her close to me. I feel her in the things I say to my kids that she said to me. I feel her when I look at my brothers and feel so grateful I have them in my life. I feel her when I look at my sister and realize that she just isn't my sister anymore, but my friend.
All in all...the trip was a success and I enjoyed my Christmas. Tomorrow morning we hit the road to go back to reality. SIGH.
I can't really do a "best of" because I don't update the blog enough. My blog is not "best of" worthy. Maybe one day..when it grows up to be a real blog.
Christmas....I'll get to that.
New Year's Resolutions...don't really do them..but I do promise to update more.
Christmas - Hubby and I left Long Beach on Thursday for the drive to the Sacramento area. It took us only SIX hours which is our best time yet..and that's with a gas stop. We're staying with one of my brothers and his wife and the rest of my siblings and their kids all joined us for Christmas. It was awesome..fourteen kids. We had a great time opening gifts and just laughing. I laughed a lot. It was sad that my dad wasn't there, but that's on him. There were a few emotional moments. My sister brought over some baked goods, specifically some specialties my mom used to make. I hadn't seen those since before she passed and I shed a few tears while enjoying the tasty treats. My sister in law gave us all this beautiful poem framed about loss and memory. All of us teared up at that..but again..it was ok. Christmas is for memories and my mom helped us make a lot of those. For that we are very blessed.
Initially the husband I planned to spend the holiday on the road. We had originally planned an extended road trip but my brother persuaded us to spend the holiday with him and my siblings and I'm glad we did. We did part of our road trip anyway and took off on Sunday for Santa Cruz.
I love Santa Cruz. It's always been one of my favorite places and hubby has never been so it was fun to share it with him. We did some exploring and shopping. And of course we ate at the wharf..an overpriced dinner that catered to tourists...but what the heck. That's when the trip took a weird turn.
I haven't talked about it much but the husband and I have been doing very poorly. Poorly to the point that growing old together didn't seem like an option. I don't want to go into details about the issue...but it was a big one. And it's grown worse over the past several months. Our relationship had deteriorated to the point that it was just difficult being around him. I hate that. It takes a lot of energy to be unhappy and I was very unhappy. And I did try to let go...but everytime I did I was reminded that the issue still existed and it wasn't going to go away. I have tried talking about it to him but that didn't seem to work either and I truly had given up.
So...before we went to dinner he asked me why I looked upset and I told him that I was sad because here we are on this little trip away and it's impossible to truly enjoy it because things aren't right. Once we sat down to dinner the discussion began and it wasn't a great one. It just didn't seem like we were hearing each other. At least the restaurant was slow and we had an entire section to ourselves. Once we finished eating we told the waitress that we were just going to sit back and finish our bottle of wine and she left us alone for a bit.
The final straw of our discussion was when he told me that he realized what needed to be changed but didn't know if it was worth attempting because perhaps I had already given up....and that's when I reminded him that if it was truly important to him..it wouldn't matter if I had. If our relationship was truly that important he wouldn't stop to think about if it was too late..he'd try anyway.
Then there was total silence for quite a few minutes. He realized that I was right. I had to explain that by his lack of response in the past I had to assume that he just didn't care. Because if he did care, wouldn't he do something?
Now..everything isn't all honky dory and we didn't go back to the hotel and make out like teenagers because this is real life. And this is a real problem. It's going to take some time.
But it was nice to feel that he "got" it.
We got up this morning and headed to San Francisco where we did some more shopping (I know, but I really needed those boots...and the pumps...) We had a fabulous lunch and a very nice afternoon.
We still have a lot of work to do. But I feel better about things. Being angry, hurt, and upset does take up so much energy and even though I don't believe in resolutions I do want to be happier in 2010.
The one thing that I did accomplish this year was I finally received closure on losing my mom. It's still hard and I still have bad days but I feel better. I've reached a point where even though I miss her so much every day I feel her close to me. I feel her in the things I say to my kids that she said to me. I feel her when I look at my brothers and feel so grateful I have them in my life. I feel her when I look at my sister and realize that she just isn't my sister anymore, but my friend.
All in all...the trip was a success and I enjoyed my Christmas. Tomorrow morning we hit the road to go back to reality. SIGH.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Happy Holidays
Are you ready for Christmas? Because I'm NOT!!!!
But I'm not in a panic yet.
The kids leave Saturday morning to go up to their dad's. Hubby and I leave on the 24th to go up north. Ironically we'll be just a few miles away from the boys so we've opted to get together up there to open gifts rather than try to open them up here before they leave. In the meantime I have every minute planned.
Thursday night - Beav's play
Friday night - celebrating friend's birthday at wine bar
Saturday night - girlfriend dinner
Sunday - our annual open house (tons of food shopping and prep to do)
I'm really looking forward to getting up north. We're getting together with my brothers and my sister for Christmas dinner. It will be kinda weird without my dad but I'm so looking forward to getting together with them and having a real family holiday. I was truly hoping Thanksgiving would do that for me but that day went horribly wrong.
I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward to Christmas. I never thought that would happen for me again and I'm so thankful.
But I'm not in a panic yet.
The kids leave Saturday morning to go up to their dad's. Hubby and I leave on the 24th to go up north. Ironically we'll be just a few miles away from the boys so we've opted to get together up there to open gifts rather than try to open them up here before they leave. In the meantime I have every minute planned.
Thursday night - Beav's play
Friday night - celebrating friend's birthday at wine bar
Saturday night - girlfriend dinner
Sunday - our annual open house (tons of food shopping and prep to do)
I'm really looking forward to getting up north. We're getting together with my brothers and my sister for Christmas dinner. It will be kinda weird without my dad but I'm so looking forward to getting together with them and having a real family holiday. I was truly hoping Thanksgiving would do that for me but that day went horribly wrong.
I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward to Christmas. I never thought that would happen for me again and I'm so thankful.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Holiday Decorating
Just to prove that I have obtained some holiday spirit I thought I'd share some photos of our Christmas decorating.
This is our Christmas Village. You can't see it but under a snowdrift is a police car. The kids keep burying it under the snow and hubby keeps taking it out. I'm just glad I don't have a village donut shop because all hell would break loose.
Silver Wonderment
It's a fake tree, I know, I suck.
The gingerbread counter to feed Einstein's irrational fear of Gingerbread men. You know how some people have the whole clown fear, well his is gingerbread men. Don't judge people!
I've even decked myself out, don't I look Christmasy. Quit looking at my boobs.
This is our Christmas Village. You can't see it but under a snowdrift is a police car. The kids keep burying it under the snow and hubby keeps taking it out. I'm just glad I don't have a village donut shop because all hell would break loose.
Silver Wonderment
It's a fake tree, I know, I suck.
The gingerbread counter to feed Einstein's irrational fear of Gingerbread men. You know how some people have the whole clown fear, well his is gingerbread men. Don't judge people!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Where did my mojo go?
I haven't been able to get back fully into kickboxing since my surgery. I go to my private sessions with my trainer and a class here and there but I've avoided most of the classes and I've stayed away from sparring.
Truth is I'm afraid to go back. Taking six weeks off while everyone else is forging ahead just puts me that far behind. This morning my trainer called me on it. And while I was kicking and hitting the heavy bag I started crying.
Yep, I'm now a total pussy.
In my defense, this is a tough week, hell, it will be a rough couple of months. I'm more than a little emotional. However, attempting to kickbox with snot running down your face, not a good thing. (Sorry for that TMI but this is my blog)
Second truth is I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's holding me back. Obviously he struck a nerve because since this morning I've been more down than I have been in ages. He did call me about an hour after I left and checked in with me. He wanted me to know that he wasn't purposely trying to be mean and I know it's his own way of motivating me.
I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with myself. What happened to the athlete in me?
Truth is I'm afraid to go back. Taking six weeks off while everyone else is forging ahead just puts me that far behind. This morning my trainer called me on it. And while I was kicking and hitting the heavy bag I started crying.
Yep, I'm now a total pussy.
In my defense, this is a tough week, hell, it will be a rough couple of months. I'm more than a little emotional. However, attempting to kickbox with snot running down your face, not a good thing. (Sorry for that TMI but this is my blog)
Second truth is I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's holding me back. Obviously he struck a nerve because since this morning I've been more down than I have been in ages. He did call me about an hour after I left and checked in with me. He wanted me to know that he wasn't purposely trying to be mean and I know it's his own way of motivating me.
I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with myself. What happened to the athlete in me?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Drunk on Turkey
Sometimes time away from home helps me to recharge. I'm not sure that his trip did that. Spending four days with my sister and nine children pretty much has worn me out, lol. Seriously, I'm not sure how on earth she does it. The noise level alone is nuts.
But I did miss my husband. A lot. But mostly I just missed my routine. I love the routine of my life. Is that horrible? Does that make me a cliche? Not to mention all I can think about is how much work is sitting at my desk waiting for me to return. (I'm totally trying not to let it get to me because I know I do deserve a life.)
I miss working out every day and feel like a total sloth since I've been eating crap since I got here. So...starting tomorrow it's back to the grind. The grind of work and the grind of training...although picking up kids all week has caused my shoulder to protest painfully today.
Apparently my dad was also up here this weekend. Apparently he's told my siblings that he's very angry with me for not being at his wedding. Apparently he can't pick up the phone and have this conversation with me. Yes, I could call him, but I've decided not to. I know it takes two and all that but the last conversation I had with him, in fact almost every conversation I have with him, he yells at me and has no regard for my feelings whatsoever. Frankly it pisses me off. I'm not sure where he got this idea that I need to go along with what he wants because he's my dad. Oh yeah, he gets that from my brothers. My brothers do it. And they pay the price for it. Both of them went to the wedding. Neither went to the reception and neither one of them has a positive thing to say about it. But I refuse to swallow the horrible feelings and go to the wedding because my father feels I should. That's just bullshit.
And trust me, I've thought about it endlessly. And I've prayed about it. I want to try to do the right thing as often as possible. And God has let me know there are things in my life that need to be addressed. However, I'm not feeling he's pushing me on this one.
I don't want to go on and on about this. What's done is done. I feel like I don't have any parents, which is weird and very painful (totally avoiding the pain right now). I never in a million years thought any of this would happen. At some point I'm going to have to process it I know. I hope there's a ton of tissue around when that happens.
I think what I need to do is get drunk. Not silly drunk, just happy drunk. Maybe on Thanksgiving?
But I did miss my husband. A lot. But mostly I just missed my routine. I love the routine of my life. Is that horrible? Does that make me a cliche? Not to mention all I can think about is how much work is sitting at my desk waiting for me to return. (I'm totally trying not to let it get to me because I know I do deserve a life.)
I miss working out every day and feel like a total sloth since I've been eating crap since I got here. So...starting tomorrow it's back to the grind. The grind of work and the grind of training...although picking up kids all week has caused my shoulder to protest painfully today.
Apparently my dad was also up here this weekend. Apparently he's told my siblings that he's very angry with me for not being at his wedding. Apparently he can't pick up the phone and have this conversation with me. Yes, I could call him, but I've decided not to. I know it takes two and all that but the last conversation I had with him, in fact almost every conversation I have with him, he yells at me and has no regard for my feelings whatsoever. Frankly it pisses me off. I'm not sure where he got this idea that I need to go along with what he wants because he's my dad. Oh yeah, he gets that from my brothers. My brothers do it. And they pay the price for it. Both of them went to the wedding. Neither went to the reception and neither one of them has a positive thing to say about it. But I refuse to swallow the horrible feelings and go to the wedding because my father feels I should. That's just bullshit.
And trust me, I've thought about it endlessly. And I've prayed about it. I want to try to do the right thing as often as possible. And God has let me know there are things in my life that need to be addressed. However, I'm not feeling he's pushing me on this one.
I don't want to go on and on about this. What's done is done. I feel like I don't have any parents, which is weird and very painful (totally avoiding the pain right now). I never in a million years thought any of this would happen. At some point I'm going to have to process it I know. I hope there's a ton of tissue around when that happens.
I think what I need to do is get drunk. Not silly drunk, just happy drunk. Maybe on Thanksgiving?
Sunday, November 15, 2009
There's Peace At The End of This Journey.....right?
I've been away for awhile. It's been a rough couple of weeks and every time I sit down and think about blogging about it, it's just too hard.
Needless to say I've been on a journey of sorts. One that involves crying jags once a day. Just too many changes in my life. Normally, I love change. I look at it as opportunity. But with losing my mom, the huge job change that occurred in March and basically losing my dad, one more change threatens to push me over the edge. And hubby is considering retiring at the end of the year.
There are some incentives attached that make it look enticing, but the bottom line is between income and overtime he'll be bringing in $2000 less a month. That really started stressing me out. He is looking for a post retirement job but this really isn't the best time to do a job search and his training is very specialized. He's certified to teach disaster management to government agencies. This type of training is required to receive federal funds.
Of course I would love if he landed a position tomorrow but if he doesn't, what does that mean for us? I don't want to make him feel like he can't retire.
It's basically turned me into a big ball of stress and not an easy person to live with.
I've been going back to church hoping that my faith will bring me some peace. I believe it is, just a little slow for my taste. However, I was able to have a brutally honest discussion with my husband about it, about all of it. It was painful but necessary and at the end of the discussion I felt that my husband had become, once again, the man that I can lean on.
This week I've traveled up north (California) to spend some time with my sister. She just had her ninth baby. I think the time away will really be good for me and it's always nice when I spend time with my sister.
The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I hate feeling like this. I try so hard to try to be optimistic and upbeat. I don't want to be the downer chick.
I just want some peace.
Needless to say I've been on a journey of sorts. One that involves crying jags once a day. Just too many changes in my life. Normally, I love change. I look at it as opportunity. But with losing my mom, the huge job change that occurred in March and basically losing my dad, one more change threatens to push me over the edge. And hubby is considering retiring at the end of the year.
There are some incentives attached that make it look enticing, but the bottom line is between income and overtime he'll be bringing in $2000 less a month. That really started stressing me out. He is looking for a post retirement job but this really isn't the best time to do a job search and his training is very specialized. He's certified to teach disaster management to government agencies. This type of training is required to receive federal funds.
Of course I would love if he landed a position tomorrow but if he doesn't, what does that mean for us? I don't want to make him feel like he can't retire.
It's basically turned me into a big ball of stress and not an easy person to live with.
I've been going back to church hoping that my faith will bring me some peace. I believe it is, just a little slow for my taste. However, I was able to have a brutally honest discussion with my husband about it, about all of it. It was painful but necessary and at the end of the discussion I felt that my husband had become, once again, the man that I can lean on.
This week I've traveled up north (California) to spend some time with my sister. She just had her ninth baby. I think the time away will really be good for me and it's always nice when I spend time with my sister.
The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I hate feeling like this. I try so hard to try to be optimistic and upbeat. I don't want to be the downer chick.
I just want some peace.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Really, Grief does not make me horny
Yesterday my dad got married. Even though I know my mom is dead, yesterday kinda cemented the deal and it was way harder to deal with than I ever imagined.
I didn't go. Which is good because I spent Friday night/Saturday morning crying. Then I went and cleaned out the work storage. And then I went home and showered and did my best to stimulate the economy by indulging in some retail therapy.
Apparently when I'm upset and depressed I spend $200 at Fredericks of H@llywood. Hey, it costs a lot of money to carry these breasts around. Plus I bought a corset, and some panties, and some lingerie because it is my wedding anniversary this week and I would like to have sex because I haven't had any since my surgery and well, I'm horny.
Blame it on my age. 41, sexual peak, yada yada yada.
Hubby knows when I'm this upset to just let me be. I normally hate malls but it was a good place for me to be yesterday. Although truly, I don't need any more clothes. My closet is at full capacity. Seriously, it's disgusting.
I've only done this serious disregard for economizing once before and that was Mother's Day. And I took a lot of that stuff back.
I'm so glad I didn't go to my dad's wedding. I definitely would not have been ok. And his reaction when I told him I was considering not going.....well that sealed the deal. It would have been nice if he could have just been my dad for a few minutes. A little consideration, a little caring about my feelings....would have gone a long way.
Instead he just yelled and told me how I need to do things for him because apparently my feelings...yeah they don't matter.
But I survived. Although I feel like now I don't have a mom or a dad. My brothers and my sister, they feel the same way. We feel abandoned. It was as if my mom's death gave my dad a chance for a "do-over." And there's nothing wrong with that if it's handled correctly. Maybe wait a little longer than a year. Maybe try to ask your family to be involved instead of just telling them they have no choice. Maybe realize that your children really miss their mom.
God, I miss my mom. A lot.
Although she wouldn't be happy there is are pics of my boobs on the internet. But then she used to think I was way wilder than I really was.
Well, I was a little wild. Sometimes.
I didn't go. Which is good because I spent Friday night/Saturday morning crying. Then I went and cleaned out the work storage. And then I went home and showered and did my best to stimulate the economy by indulging in some retail therapy.
Apparently when I'm upset and depressed I spend $200 at Fredericks of H@llywood. Hey, it costs a lot of money to carry these breasts around. Plus I bought a corset, and some panties, and some lingerie because it is my wedding anniversary this week and I would like to have sex because I haven't had any since my surgery and well, I'm horny.
Blame it on my age. 41, sexual peak, yada yada yada.
Hubby knows when I'm this upset to just let me be. I normally hate malls but it was a good place for me to be yesterday. Although truly, I don't need any more clothes. My closet is at full capacity. Seriously, it's disgusting.
I've only done this serious disregard for economizing once before and that was Mother's Day. And I took a lot of that stuff back.
I'm so glad I didn't go to my dad's wedding. I definitely would not have been ok. And his reaction when I told him I was considering not going.....well that sealed the deal. It would have been nice if he could have just been my dad for a few minutes. A little consideration, a little caring about my feelings....would have gone a long way.
Instead he just yelled and told me how I need to do things for him because apparently my feelings...yeah they don't matter.
But I survived. Although I feel like now I don't have a mom or a dad. My brothers and my sister, they feel the same way. We feel abandoned. It was as if my mom's death gave my dad a chance for a "do-over." And there's nothing wrong with that if it's handled correctly. Maybe wait a little longer than a year. Maybe try to ask your family to be involved instead of just telling them they have no choice. Maybe realize that your children really miss their mom.
God, I miss my mom. A lot.
Although she wouldn't be happy there is are pics of my boobs on the internet. But then she used to think I was way wilder than I really was.
Well, I was a little wild. Sometimes.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Boobs and Ravioli...not in that order
I must correct my last post. My surgery was NOT arthroscopic. Unfortunately an incision had to be made. I feel it's frankensteinish but I'm sure that will change soon. I'm taking one motrin twice a day to help with the pain but I'm frustrated by the lack of mobility. I started physical therapy last Friday so I'm hoping that helps a lot FAST.
Even with my lame arm I had lots to do last weekend. It was my turn to host our girlfriend dinner and I wanted to do it up right. I've been itching for a real dinner party so I did my best to go all out.
Here's what the table looked like before dinner.
I prepared the following courses and did my best to pair them with a great wine. Unfortunately I threw away the printed menus so I don't have the exact wines:
1st - Apricot and Chicken Bruschetta served with a Pinot Noir (HEAVENLY)
2nd- Butternut Squash Ravioli with Sage Brown Butter Sauce served with a Chardonnay (first time making ravioli from scratch and it was WAY too thick)
3rd - Grilled Pork Tenderloin a la Rodriguez with Guaza Glaza and Orange-Habanero Mojo served with a Tempranillo (thank you food network for this amazing recipe)
Dessert - Sweet Dessert Panini served with a Peach champagne (again thank you Food Network)
All of it was yummy (except for the thick ravioli)
Do you know when you don't feel sexy? When you've got a long ugly scar on your shoulder. So I did this today to help me feel better about myself. Hubby gave it two thumbs up. Fair warning, not a work or kid friendly pic.
Last but not least for you haters out there I have decided to NOT attend my dad's wedding this weekend. I'm just not ready. I don't want to put myself through that and it dawned on me last week that my father has turned into a selfish hypocrite and right now I don't even have any respect for him at all. And that makes me very sad.
So, if that bothers you, check out my boobs again to help you forget.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Finding my way back...the hard way
If you've been following me on twitter and really who doesn't (insert eye roll here) you should know I had shoulder surgery last Monday. More specifically arthroscopic surgery for a bone spur.
I'm not a wimpy girl. I did get this injury from kickboxing. During the past year I've suffered a broken foot and a cracked rib. I consider myself pretty tough. So when the doctor warned me that this surgery is particularly painful afterwards I figured he was exaggerating a bit...or he just didn't understand how tough I am. I had planned to be back at kickboxing tomorrow..a week post surgery.
In fact after the surgery I was feeling not bad at all and surprised that it didn't hurt that much. I wasn't taking into account that the doctor injects anesthetic into the surgical site when he closes it up.
Boy was I wrong. This shit HURTS. Almost a week later and I still can't lift my left arm above my chest. The pain is constant and the only reprieve is the hour that I'm hooked up to the cold compression therapy machine (I'm sure there's a shorter name for it, but whatever). I am supposed to sit with this machine seven times a day. That means I'm supposed to sit idle for seven hours a day. I have no idea how to do that.
I have been given Vicodin to help with the pain but it makes me itch and I start to resemble a crack addict scratching at herself. I stopped taking it but gave in again when the pain became unbearable. I halved the dose and that seems to help. For those of you who are worried about addiction possibility, I'm taking two Vicodin A DAY so I think I'm ok. I don't take it at night because I am one of the people that Vicodin keeps awake. Yep, no drowsy here. About two hours after I take the pill I'm very much awake which is why on Monday night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. Seriously, had I not just had surgery I could have gotten up and made an entire Thanksgiving meal, that's how alert I was.
I'm not even going to talk about the mounds of work I brought home with me thinking I was going to get everything done this week. I've hardly touched it.
On the plus side I was able to catch up on a lot of reading and Dexter.
On the down side when I'm bored, I eat. Sitting around, eating and not being able to work out - I feel like the Pillsbury doughboy.
I guess I thought the doc would go in there, fix the problem and I'd feel all better. I didn't realize that there would be a time delay for the "feel all better" part.
Hopefully this will make my left cross stronger than ever.
And it does help with my priorities. I've neglected a lot of things I do for me - reading, blogging, reading blogs, etc, because of work. The truth is I'll never be caught up. I can only do what I can do and beating myself up about it doesn't help at all.
And I'm going to do a vision board. A visual reminder of my goals, dreams, and aspirations.
Because somewhere along the way I lost my way.
I'm not a wimpy girl. I did get this injury from kickboxing. During the past year I've suffered a broken foot and a cracked rib. I consider myself pretty tough. So when the doctor warned me that this surgery is particularly painful afterwards I figured he was exaggerating a bit...or he just didn't understand how tough I am. I had planned to be back at kickboxing tomorrow..a week post surgery.
In fact after the surgery I was feeling not bad at all and surprised that it didn't hurt that much. I wasn't taking into account that the doctor injects anesthetic into the surgical site when he closes it up.
Boy was I wrong. This shit HURTS. Almost a week later and I still can't lift my left arm above my chest. The pain is constant and the only reprieve is the hour that I'm hooked up to the cold compression therapy machine (I'm sure there's a shorter name for it, but whatever). I am supposed to sit with this machine seven times a day. That means I'm supposed to sit idle for seven hours a day. I have no idea how to do that.
I have been given Vicodin to help with the pain but it makes me itch and I start to resemble a crack addict scratching at herself. I stopped taking it but gave in again when the pain became unbearable. I halved the dose and that seems to help. For those of you who are worried about addiction possibility, I'm taking two Vicodin A DAY so I think I'm ok. I don't take it at night because I am one of the people that Vicodin keeps awake. Yep, no drowsy here. About two hours after I take the pill I'm very much awake which is why on Monday night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. Seriously, had I not just had surgery I could have gotten up and made an entire Thanksgiving meal, that's how alert I was.
I'm not even going to talk about the mounds of work I brought home with me thinking I was going to get everything done this week. I've hardly touched it.
On the plus side I was able to catch up on a lot of reading and Dexter.
On the down side when I'm bored, I eat. Sitting around, eating and not being able to work out - I feel like the Pillsbury doughboy.
I guess I thought the doc would go in there, fix the problem and I'd feel all better. I didn't realize that there would be a time delay for the "feel all better" part.
Hopefully this will make my left cross stronger than ever.
And it does help with my priorities. I've neglected a lot of things I do for me - reading, blogging, reading blogs, etc, because of work. The truth is I'll never be caught up. I can only do what I can do and beating myself up about it doesn't help at all.
And I'm going to do a vision board. A visual reminder of my goals, dreams, and aspirations.
Because somewhere along the way I lost my way.
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