RIP Honeybear

When my mom died I never cursed God. I didn't get angry at God, blame God, shake my fist at him....none of those things, even though everything I've read told me it was perfectly normal.

Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.

Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."

For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.

On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!

I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.

There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.

I don't see that happening.

The Rest of the Story

So....the rest of the story.

Apparently our current office manager has been playing a bit of a shell game. And left our practice in a bit of a mess. The doctor called me to tell me the bad news. I was waiting for him to tell me that they were going to be laying me off. But instead he asked if I would consider taking over the manager position.

I have only ran a medical practice once and it was considerably smaller than this one. I'm pretty freaked out. I spent the whole weekend there trying to sort stuff out. I was hoping I'd feel a bit more in control but instead I just feel completely lost.

On Friday they terminated her and had her show me some things before she left. Can we say awkward? It's a real big mess and a lot more complicated than I can really go into to. I have to be careful because this might have legal consequences.

As if this isn't enough. My father calls me Friday to ask me a question regarding my mom's headstone. The headstone that he is finally getting around to taking care of. In the middle of the conversation he switches topics and wants to know if he can bring HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MY HOUSE SO THAT I CAN MEET HER! I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet my dad's girlfriend. The whole thing is sick!!

Then today I find out that he is thinking of moving down here, well to San Bernardino where she lives. OMG. This is not good. He is going to move away from the majority of his children and grandchildren to be with this woman?

My appointment with my psychologist is on Wednesday. Someone should tell her to get the admit papers ready.

Viewer discretion is advised

I've been twittering today about some stuff going on at work. I can't go into details about it....yet.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.

After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.

After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?

So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!

I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).

I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.

...to be continued.

Where is a parachute when you need one?

Yes, it's been ages since I updated. I've been a bad blogger. Is there a bad blogger jail? I've been busy, but I'm not sure with what.

I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.

Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?

I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.

If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.

Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?

My bladder and my dad, but not together

So, while I'm sitting in urgent care (possible bladder infection), I might as well update. God, I love technology.

My sister called me last night very angry, not at me, but at my father, who has obviously lost his mind. He called her to let her know he was coming back down here (southern California) to see my mom's cousin again. Apparently, to use his words, its become "serious."

Look, I understand lonely. Find yourself a f&$€ buddy. Don't tell your children, who are still majorly mourning the loss of their mother, that you're serious about another woman. Because what we hear is "I found someone to replace your mom.". I know that's not what he means but that's what we hear.

Last night I dropped my classes. It means two "W" on my transcript, but I think I can take the hit. I dropped three out of four and the three I dropped aren't necessary for my transfer. The class I kept is but doesn't start until the middle of next month. I just can't seem to get my crap together. The psychologist says that its normal to be like this for at least a year. I hate it. I spent all day Monday working ahead and then on Thursday I submitted homework for the chapter that isn't due until next week. Basically I turned in the wrong homework and she doesn't accept late work unless I give her advance notice. I was already dinged for missing another assignment and I decided the W was better than an C. I hate feeling so disorganized all the time. Its so unlike me and it angers me.

Then there is the crap with my job. Last week my boss told everyone she was cutting their hours. She wants everyone to cut four hours. I don't work full time as it is so this is an issue. I started thinking that maybe it was time to find a new job full time. The extra money would be nice. But, even with the issues I have at work, there are a lot of positives. Its very flexible, if I need time off or have to leave because of something with my kids, its never a big deal. And I make pretty good hourly wage for my field. And they let me work part time which allows me to stay in school. Yesterday I talked to my boss about the cut and how many hours she wanted me to work. She told me to keep it at 30 hours or less a week. That is what I work now, before the cut. So, um, yeah its cool. I told hubby that I was inclined to stay where I was at. This job, even with its issues, allows me to have other priorities - my family, school, training.

I still have interviews scheduled and I will keep those. They were arranged by a headhunter and it makes her look bad if I cancel. Besides you never know, something fabulous might come up.

I'm going to go pee in a cup now.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A New Face Every Day

I finished one of my grief books today "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye." Excellent book. So helpful in terms of knowing that I really am not losing my mind. This book also asserts that while there are different grief phases, nobody goes through them the same way and it's normal to not go through them as listed.

I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.

I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).

Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.

It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.

Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.

In the meantime I leave you with this:

"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"

These Wounds are Self Inflicted

I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.

I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.

In the meantime, here's the scoop:

VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.

Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.

Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.

Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:

Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"

Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."

Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"

Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).

Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."

Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."

TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.

So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.

Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.

School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.

BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.

Put a Fork in Me, I'm Done

You know, I really thought I was making progress.

Then my dad showed up. God forbid he came down here to see me. Nope arrived this evening and leaving tomorrow morning at 6am.

Because he has a date with my mom's cousin tomorrow night. A date on Valentine's day. My mom hasn't even been dead six fucking months.

And he doesn't understand why I'm upset. And apparently he doesn't understand the words "I don't want to talk about it."

LESS THAN SIX MONTHS. But for me it was yesterday. I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up. I seriously just want to shut down. I'm so done with all this crap.

I can't believe he drove four hundred miles to go on a date. I really don't think I'm being silly. LESS THAN SIX MONTHS.

From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy

Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:

To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.

Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."

Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.

Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.

Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.

My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.

The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.

After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.

Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.

Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.

It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.

crush a dream?

Yesterday was Beav's weekly choir practice. It was a significant day because last week he tried out for a speaking part in the musical they do at the end of the school year.

This is his second year in choir and last year he had a part as an understudy. Knowing how important this was to him I was anxious about hearing how it turned out. During the day I had been saying little prayers for him. The thing is that I think Beav has the ability to be a great performer, however not in the area of singing, which these speaking parts require.

I arrived at practice a little early to pick him up and once I noticed kids coming out of the building, no Beav. I waited a bit longer, no Beav. So I finally went in and headed to their practice room, no Beav. Walked around, looked everywhere and headed back to the choir room to ask the director if she knew where he was. She looked a little puzzled and said that he had told her that he had to leave early and had taken off 20 minutes ago. For a few moments all I felt was sheer terror because I had absolutely no idea where he was.

I headed back out and find him standing by the car. Of course I immediately started grilling him and he kept replying that he thought hubby had told him that he was picking him up early and when he saw hubby wasn't here he went to talk to one of the preschool teachers.

I knew he was lying and pretty much begged him to just come clean. He stuck to his story. So, I called him out because I had been there early and if indeed he had come out looking for hubby, he would have seen me.

Then he came clean. He didn't get the part and he was so upset that he just left early and he went to one of the teachers he knows to talk about it.

Dishonesty has been an issue with the child and recently I explained in no uncertain terms that it would not be tolerated. I was so angry I couldn't even speak. On the way home he kept trying to explain and I very firmly told him that I didn't want to hear it.

Part of the issue with me (see yesterdays post) is that I'm so taxed emotionally that when something happens to add to my anger I have a very difficult time staying in control.

I ended up giving myself a time out.

Later when beav and I talked about it he explained that he was so angry (he defintely inherited my bad temper) about not getting the part that he left because he was afraid he was going to show his temper to his fellow choir members.
He yelled and cried that it wasn't fair, that the boy that got the part was stupid, wasn't talented, how the boy kind of threw it Beav's face that he got it. How the boy didn't even want the part but the director made him try out.

He railed against all the injustices. And then we talked about it. I applauded his maturity in realizing that his anger could be a problem but explained that lying to the director was wrong and he had to take responsibility for it. Lying to me was wrong and he agreed explaining that he had lied because we were outside and there were other kids around and he was afraid that if he told me what had really happened he would have gotten upset and he didn't want the kids to see him cry.

I understand that and we discussed what he could/should have done.
It was a long discussion and he is still angry. Apparently, acting is his dream and he feels his dream has been taken away. He is angry with God because if God really loved him he would understand how important this is and he would have gotten the part. I did my best to explain that sometimes what God has planned for us doesn't really line up with our plans.

But here is my dilemma - how do I explain that perhaps his talents lie elsewhere and maybe this is not the right dream for him or do I explain that all.

This boy, with all his issues and constant struggles, is such a joy. He is so amazing in so many ways. He has so many talents and the biggest heart. I don't want to crush his dreams, but how and do I steer him away from this goal and onto something else?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What $5.99 buys you on ebay

Apparently the ebay lady is one of those types that has to have the last word. I've never understood that. I don't feel compelled to get the last word in. At some point you run out of things to say.

My email requesting a refund wasn't rude. It just seemed that the entire transaction was a waste of time at this point. However, she seemed to think that I was really upset. "Sure. I don't understand why you seem so mad. You could have just left whatever feedback you wanted. I have a home business for cancer patients and have had someone helping me here. I got them to help with the packages and abviously it didn't work out. I emailed all of my customers and don't think one is as upset as you. Hope your day gets better."

This is the second time she has mentioned her cancer patient work. Good for her and all that, but its irrelevant. So I responded again. I reminded her that this is a business transaction and I was hardly angry, I just didn't feel like it was worth additional time. I probably could have stopped there but I told her that I thought it was tacky that she used the whole cancer thing as an excuse. I mean its really about choices. She chooses to drive to the US to ship products. I didn't ask that of her.

Well, this apparently sent her over the edge. "By my own admission, I DID for get your parcel. What do I do? I drive down weekly. If I had mailed it from here you probably still would have seen it by now. I was asking you not to put the shipping as slow. You could have written in the space that it was slow. It's the marking that stops us from selling. I have been fight ing the new system and everybody hates it. I can have someone who does pay for weeks and I'm not aloud to leave anything but positive. It's positive or nothing. Anyways, me mentioning that I working with cancer patients isn't tacky. I am a survivor and I offer a great service for women in treatment. I have been very busy with my new business and had someone helping me and it didn't work out. Abviosly I have to follow through with things myself rather than relay on other people. You know, I bought something from the States Jan 12th. I emailed them once and then put in a item not receive through paypal. I still haven't been refunded ($60) and I still haven't left feedback. Something could have happened to them, I dont know. Whatever, life happens, and sometimes I might forget a parcel. I have apologized and not much else to do. "

I now know way more about this person than is necessary. I'm just thankful that I don't feel the need to respond.

I have resigned from the sex toy selling business. Well, I resigned/got fired, but not in a bad way. I haven't done a party since November and I have no desire to do more. Perhaps if I could only do parties for kinky people, but all I seem to get is ghetto girls who don't want to spend any money.

I do need some type of home based business though because it saves my ass at tax time. I'm thinking Avon. No parties, just put out catalogs. Besides, I like the Avon.

I've had a couple other party companies contact me but I just think I'm done. Between the prep time, gas, three hours talking and selling, and dealing with stupid questions, its just not worth the money. In the good days I was pulling $150 plus a party. Now, I'm lucky to break $80.

The worst part, no more employee discount.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I know there was a Saturday in there somewhere.

Did a weekend happen? Because I'm pretty sure I missed it.

Saturday I had three hours of kickboxing. One hour of class and then two straight hours of sparring. Two hours of full contact. I haven't been full contact since I broke my foot..well except for that day where I tried to snap my calf in two but you know how that went.

I am literally covered in bruises from my stomach down. The one on my stomach is the worse. It's big and purple and very angry looking. Hubby asked if I was sure something wasn't broken it looked that bad. I got kicked in the crotch, which has never happened before and there is a bit of purpling there. Add a huge one on my left thigh, a nasty one above the knee, about four on the inside of my thigh and then my right leg is peppered with small ones from the kneecap down.

It's beautiful. My trainer told me though that I gave as good as I got and that made me feel a lot better. It's not how I look, it's how the other guy looks, lol. Nevermind that I spent most of Sunday wearing an icyhot patch on my back.

My dad arrived Saturday evening and we spent all day Sunday out. We headed off to the Simi Valley to go to the Reagan Presidential Library. I really love this museum and never get tired of going there. I was especially excited because they are displaying the Magna Carta and how many times in your life do you get to see that? I love that my boys love history and get a kick out of it. We took the long way back via Ventura (stopped and did a little shopping, shocking I know), headed up Highway 1 and returned to Long Beach for a great lobster dinner at Gladstones.

It was a really great day and I was amazed that we were home by 8. I was exhausted so I decided to not take a sleeping pill. I regretted this decision as I lay there wide awake until about 1:30 in the morning. I belive I got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. I really wish I could just switch of my mind because it was going a million miles a minute last night. I HATE THAT. I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday who will hopefully give me some sleeping meds that can help me in the short term without becoming addictive.

I was so not myself that I ended up posting here a lot more information than I intended to and if you didn't get a chance to read it, it's gone now I have a private blog for that sort of crap.

It didn't help that today w e n t s u p e r s l o w. Ugh.

If you read my tweets, then you know that I am a horrible Ebay addiction. It's mostly vintage hats and workout gear. The other day I emailed a seller that I had paid on January 13th. No email letting me know that the item had been shipped and worse than that..no item. On the item page it reads "I SHIP FROM THE STATES ONCE A WEEK. I DRIVE DOWN FROM CANADA. It is cheaper than from Canada. This is for US and Canadian customers. Please when leaving feedback, do not mark shipping as slow. This will effect my selling ability and it isn't slow if you are aware of my shipping practice" Ok. So now it's the 26th, which is almost two weeks since I paid for the item. I ask if it's been shipped. This is the response I get "Hi there, I am so sorry. I don't know why your parcel got missed on my last trip to the States. As per item description I ship weekly. I have a home service for women in treatment and so I had someone helping me that turned out to be not so helpful. I am going back down tomorrow and will send it. Please, I ask you to not mark the shipping as slow. This will effect my selling ability. Sorry again, I drive to the States to save my customers money and it seems to be biting me in the butt. "

I would like to point out that by the seller's own admission my item was not shipped. My item was missed. Then she asks me to lie. I shouldn't mark the item as slow because this could hurt her. So I respond with a comment that what if I hadn't emailed her. I remind her that this item is late because of a mistake. Not because of her own unique shipping policy. And this is the nice response I get "I emailed everyone today to let them know of my shipping plans. As per item description I ship weekly anyways to save my customers money. I drive down to the States. Do what you have to. "

Isn't that sweet. She admits she forgot my item (yes I know I said it before but humor me) then gets upset when I seem to have an issue with this. So I kindly responded that she could refund me my money, including shipping, and then I wouldn't leave negative feedback and I would never buy from her again. Win, win.

Still waiting for a response.

My father is laughing at the entire exchange.

And I really wanted the hat.

Thursday Ten, The oral and anal edition

I spend a lot of time on the internet. Between the blackberry and the laptop....I spend most of my day on the internet....twittering, reading blogs, email, the list is endless. There is no denying that I LOVE technology. However, I don't understand how it works and I don't feel I need to understand how it works. All I know is that if I push the little button under the word Dell on my laptop, it should come on. And that little 'e' at the bottom, if I hit that it takes me to the internet. If none of those things work, I get a little crazy.

Last night Einstein came to me and started going on about servers and his xbox and his friends and he wants to buy a server, yada, yada, yada. I believe my eyes started glazing over at the first mention of server. I finally told him to cut to the chase and he explained that he and his friends would pay for the server but they needed a credit card. Nice to know I'm useful. So, I gave him my credit card and asked when the server would arrive. Hey, I like to mess with the kid's head.

So, after all that technology talk I thought that for today's Thursday Ten I'd share some of my favorite URL's with you.

1. I love to cook and I utilize two website a lot for recipes. Of course, food network is one of them. Initially I shied away from this site because some of the recipes were confusing and complicated. However,either I've improved or the recipes have gotten easier. When I'm having a party or trying to work a theme meal it's a great resource.
2. The other site is allrecipes.com. I like this site so much that I even buy their cookbooks. One of my favorite features of this site is that let's say you have a pantry full of spam, you can do a search based on ingredients. Spam all week long! (I actually hate Spam and I do not endorse it's use).
3. I love to shop online, mostly because I don't like the mall very much. If you have a need to increase the size of your jewelry box ex-boyfriend jewelry is a great place to go. This site gives people the chance to sell those unwanted pieces of jewelry that were gifted to them by, well you guessed it, exboyfriends. Seriously, there is some nice jewelry on here and the stories are great!
4. I love to read and recently some of my friends turned me onto the goodread site. This site allows you to list the books you've read, make reviews, and recommend them to others. It also gives you the option to offer the book up for swap or sell. You can also list the books that you plan to read, connect with others, and get recommendations.
5. As much as I love to read I HATE paying for books. I recommend using your library (insert the url for your library here). I love our library website. I can go to the website, search for a book (usually one that's been recommended on goodread), request the book, and have it sent to my local branch. And then, and this is the best part, the library calls me and tells me the book is waiting for me. HOW COOL IS THAT? I'm shocked at how many Long Beach residents I talk to that have no idea that you can do this. Of course, there can be drawbacks. Recently I requested the new Michael Connelly book and I'm 91st in the queue.
6. If you are involved anything where document sharing is necessary and you aren't using google docs, you're a fool. Google docs allows you to upload files, (word documents, spreadsheets) and then share them with others. No more emailing spreadsheets back and forth. You just upload the file, share it with those that you want to have it and you can control what they do, edit, etc. It's a huge timesaver. The best part is that you're not wasting any of your memory on file.
7. I read a lot of blogs. For a lot of different reasons. Although I must admit most of them just remind me of my failings as a blogger. I do learn interesting things though. For example, do you know that the richer the man...the better your orgasm? Yep, that I learned from sex secrets. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'but Diva, I thought you were the sexpert.' I hate to disappoint you folks, but I've just been faking it. (the expertness not the orgasms) Seriously though, this is a great site. During my parties the women seem to respond well to fun facts about sex and this is where I get them. Questions about anal sex, oral sex, positions? This is the place to find the answers.
8. Almost all the blogs I read are awesome, but there are two that when I see that little feed light up, I light up. One makes me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. I would give my firstborn to have even a smidgen of her wittiness. That would be the bloggess. And if you don't follow her on twitter well then you've missed today's lesson in fisting. Seriously this woman can make a post with one long run-on sentence. I find myself reading them out loud to my husband and even he starts to laugh.
9. The other is only updated once a week and I wait for it anxiously every Sunday. That would be postsecret. Some of the secrets make me tear up and some make me laugh, and some touch my heart. I'm often tempted to send in one myself. If you have a chance check out the ones from this week, I think you'll figure out my favorite right away.
10. Ok, one more blog, although I don't think of it as a blog. If you don't have LOTD on your feed, you're missing out. Great videos. lists, and other fun things that will remind you that there are those out there who are more stupid than you are (and I mean that in a nice way).

That's it folks. Have fun and remember surf often and surf safely.

I'm too exhausting to be loved

While transferring my posts from live journal back to blogger I have discovered something.

My posts are horrible.

The overwhelming theme is grief and depression. And yes, with the passing of my mom it is to be expected but who wants to read about it?

Ugh, are you people masochists or what? And when I say "you people" I mean the three of you that read me.

I have another blog where I also throw up my feelings. It’s hidden away and by invite only. I'm thinking that perhaps in the future if I have a post that implies I might be ready to stick my head in the oven then it might be a good idea to put it in the other blog.

Not that I am limiting what I write about based on what I think readers want, but really do the three of you need to see another post where the first tag is 'crying'. I think not.

And I will still blog about my battle with grief, anger, and what has been termed "situational depression." It’s just the whiny shit that should be locked away.

Can someone please explain to me why Beaver does his math homework but doesn't turn it in? He has an F in math due to missing homework assignments. He does them, I check them, and somewhere between that point and the next morning. Abracadabra! It’s enough to make me want to pray.

I had dropped my classes this semester in hopes that I would get that job. However they were supposed to make their decision last week and I haven’t heard from them. Just a bit frustrating because they did ask me to tell them if I took another position. Do ya think they could return the favor? You know just a short call to say sorry you suck, you"re not who we are looking for?

Then I realized that now I’ve dropped two semesters in a row and that doesn’t look good so I went to the school website and searched under every subject to find classes that I could take online and that didn’t start until the 15 week mark or the 2nd 9 week mark. I didn’t care if it was a zoology class I was going to take it.

This is what I ended up with:

Organizational Communication (helps you organize your thoughts so that you can write better. I love writing research papers, kind of, and I’ve already started on the one I’ll be doing for this class)

Business Communications – so I can learn to say suck it more nicely

Legal Environment of Business – so I can politely explain to my boss that it is ILLEGAL to give out account information without the patient’s permission

How to Start A Home Based Business – really, how can you not want to take a class in which the textbook is called “Getting Rich In Your Underwear.” Now is wearing underwear required? Because this could be a problem.

Actually the organizational communication class is on campus, but other than that all online. Every class but the underwear class is eligible for transfer. So at least I’m taking classes that I can learn something from but I’m still carrying 10.5 units which means Sallie Mae won’t be knocking on my door to pay my student loans.

Last night hubby came home with some pictures of me that he had at work. I was like, “so, you don’t want my pictures in your office,” and he was like “I want updated pictures.” Of course he does “so, you don’t want FAT pictures of me anymore,” “no” he said, “just current ones.” Uh huh, I see where this is going. Current – not so fat, old pictures – FAT.


Title brought to you courtesy of Alanis Morissette "Tapes"

Does Size Matter?

I just thought this was funny. You can't read it but in small print on the bottom of the right side it says "Not actual pill size, for illustrative purposes only."

Really? Do people think the pill is the same size as the picture on the box? Are you supposed to cut it up first?

I'm exhausting and exhausted.

I think that sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to be able to pull yourself up. I thought that the week of Christmas I had done that.

Apparently I was wrong. Because rock bottom occurred at my house last night. I won't describe it, it wasn't pretty. It started with Beav presenting me with a progress report from Math reflecting he is earning an F. Why? Because he has not turned in any homework. I know he does his homework because I check it every night. Yet somehow between our dining room table and his school bag it disappears.

Apparently this was just too much stress for me to handle and I had a complete meltdown.

Today, I'm exhausted and embarrassed but I feel ok. I still think therapy is necessary but I am absolutely certain that I never want to repeat what occured last night. That alone is motivation enough to get my shit together.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had plans with this person. I had to cancel and only told her that it was due to an emergency. Later I called to apologize but she didn't answer. However, she text'd me in response to my message about a minute later so it's obvious she didn't answer because she didn't want to.

This led to an exchange of text messages that ended with her saying some very cruel things. The ironic thing is that she said being my friend is exhausting. This is someone who hasn't spoken to me in three months. This is someone who, every time we went anywhere together, I had to drive because she just refused to. And yes, she helped with gas, etc, but still even if we were going somewhere where I live I had to drive where she lives, pick her up and bring her back to where I live. This is someone who I sat with all night while she threw up and sent text messages that I later deleted because who wants to be reminded of drunk texting?

Yet, I'm exhausting. When I called her the day my mom died she barely said a word. She never called me during the week to see how I was doing. She sent me a text message! And in reality we wouldn't have started talking again if I hadn't contacted her. And we stopped being in touch because I was always the one reaching out and she never was.

She hit below the belt with the exhausting comment because I know that right now, I am exhausting. I don't mean to be. I hate it and if I could change it I would. What I do know though is that if any of my friends were really hurting I would do ANYTHING to help. I would call, send cards, remind them that I'm there every chance I had. There have been times when my friends have said hurtful things. Sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes they are just being honest, and sometimes I'm just too sensitive. And when that happens I let it go.

But this wasn't being hurtful. This was being mean. And it took every bit of self restraint I have (and I don't have a lot) not to reply with some pretty horrible missives. I could have taken it really low and part of me wanted to, but I just couldn't.

The worst part is that this is someone I really shared a lot of personal things with. My inclination is to keep more things to myself. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I can't trust people. And I hate feeling like I have the worst instincts about others.

That's a lot of hate.

But even now, I'm ok.

Thursday Ten, The Science Edition

1. I'm officially in therapy, ugh. Seriously, she looked like she was twelve. I'm not entirely sure I'm going to stick with her but I committed to going back next week. If I don't stick with her I will go with one of the other referrals I got today.

2. She thinks that part of my problem is that I'm just exhausted because I don't sleep well and consequently I don't rest. She has asked me to see a psychiatrist to try a different sleeping aid since the Ambien hasn't been helpful.

3. She also asked me how I felt about antidepressants and I nixed that idea. I do believe that antidepressants can be helpful but my depression is situational. And I know that what I'm going through, I need to deal with. Masking my symptoms isn't going to help.

4. Apparently I've also put myself in a position where I'm extremely uncomfortable really opening up to others. She doesn't think I have a support system. I felt the need to stand up for my friends, because they have been fabulous. However I explained to her that I can't ask them to repeatedly hear me cry about issues with my mom. I mean, really, if I were them I'd be like 'get over it already.'

5. I'm also very angry, duh. And more angrier than I thought. I was really saying some negative things about my mom and then I felt bad because I shouldn't be saying bad things about someone who is dead. It was a real eye opener though, because I had no idea how far back my anger went.

6. After that I had a short meeting with a commitee at Einstein's school. They're doing an event very similar to an event I've worked at for the past six years. I was able to offer a lot of helpful insight and it felt so good to feel useful.

7. Then I had to stay for the PTSA meeting because the school group I'm involved in needs to be represented and our Chair couldn't make it and I'm second in command.

8. I spent most of the meeting staring at a new science teacher who caught my eye because I caught him staring at me. He was really cute except for when he kept touching his feet (he was wearing flip flops) and I have foot issues. He had some nice tattoos on his arms and I found myself making stupid jokes so that he would laugh and notice me. How old am I again?

9. Afterwards this other parent, who was annoying, kept butting into a conversation I was having regarding our event (which I need to name here). We were discussing press releases and she kept harping about how she knew someone over at one of our small local papers and I just couldn't help myself. So I casually mentioned 'have you heard of Relay for Life' because seriously who hasn't? And of course the answer was yes. So then I dropped the bomb, 'well it's first year here in Long Beach, I did all their marketing and public relations.' Annoying parent had nothing to say after that. HA! How old am I again?

10. But it did feel good to remind myself that I have done a lot of really good things...and as a volunteer. I have a lot of talents that I have forgotten about. I've spent so much time recently putting myself down and in reality I've accomplished a lot. I came home in good spirits and that felt REALLY good.

How The Mighty Have Fallen

Ok, so I'm not mighty, but you get the idea.

Thursday I have an appointment with an EAP counselor. EAP stands for employee assistance program. Basically the way it works is that you see one of the counselors and if they feel that you require ongoing treatment you get referred to a mental health specialist covered by your insurance program.

I'm sure that once they get a glimpse of the simmering rage floating beneath my sunny exterior they will most likely recommend some type of treatment. I suppose I should be looking forward to the opportunity to unload and I am certainly grateful that husbands insurance provides such a benefit but I'm dreading the whole thing. The thought of opening up to a complete stranger is about as horrifying as the thought of opening up to someone I know. Actually opening up horrifies me period.

The true irony is that I am a certified crisis counselor. I've been certified by the state in the areas of domestic violence and sexual assault. Being on the other side just doesn't appeal to me at all. With all of my training and my studies as a psych major shouldn't I be more equipped to handle these things?

Besides, I've worked in the mental health field. Most psychologists and psychiatrists I worked for were all nuts themselves. So, perhaps my unhealthy mental state is a prerequisite for my future career. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I am still anxiously waiting to hear whether or not I've gotten the position I've been trying for. I am supposed to hear this week and every time the phone vibrates I about bounce off my seat.

I just need something to change, soon.

Is There a God...Why is he waiting?

Ah, blogger...how I've missed you.

Livejournal was creating a lot of issues with bots on my AIM. Yesterday I received about five random instant messages about everything from naked women to bongs.

The only advantage that LiveJournal has/had over Blogger is that it allows me to set privacy settings for each individual entry. With twitter and all the other social media people I actually know in real life started reading my blog and well as much as I'd like to think I'm an open book...I'm not.

Yesterday I was headed back to my third interview with a local clinic. I check in and am waiting...and waiting..and the human resources person comes out. She looks at me quizzically...'what are you doing here? Didn't you get my message the other day?' Um, yes, I did. Right after I got the message to be here at 12:30pm. Yep, apparently there was a huge case of the right hand not talking to the left hand and the short version is that I put on heels for nothing. The HR person did reassure me that I'm a strong contender for the position I've applied for and I should hear early next week.

I had already scheduled the rest of the afternoon off as I am on my school schedule. I'm suppose to start school in an hour and a half as I have an orientation for one of my online classes. I don't think I'm going to be there. I'm still confused about what to do. One minute I'm eager to go back to school...the next minute I hate my office so much I can hardly stand it.

I could write a book about the issues that this office has. HIPPA violations, lack of professionalism...do you know I haven't had working voice mail since I've been there? I can't print claims from my computer. My boss has never done my job, she has no idea how to do my job, yet she constantly is telling me to do things that I know are a)wrong, b)unethical, or c)makes no sense at all.

Enough already.

Because of my weight loss I found myself with a ton of clothes that are too big for me. I had the bright idea to sell the items on ebay. I wasn't looking to get rich, just make a few bucks. I didn't. What I did get was a multitude of stupid questions. I don't how ebayers do it. I had a top listed for ninety-nine cents. Ninety-nine cents people!!!! And someone emails me haggling me about the shipping cost. Wants me to stuff it in a priority mail flat rate envelope because they don't want to pay the $8 charge I have for priority mail. Yes, I know it's kinda high but I do have to drive my ass to the post office.

I sold a few items, the rest are going to the women's shelter. I'm talking nice shit. Wool dress skirts, blouses, lots of nice work items.

In the meantime I continue to spend all of my money on ebay feeding my vintage hat habit.

Title credit: New Deep by John Mayer

Thursday Ten

1. Happy New Year! I hope everyone had the celebration they wanted. Hubby and I went to one of our favorite wine bars and enjoyed a wonderful four course meal...well kind of. Our fourth course never arrived. However, we know the owner and she'll take care of us next time we go in.

2. I was shocked by how I could barely stay awake until midnight. I knew I should have taken a nap but I didn't expect to be that tired. Hubby and I were home and in bed by about 12:45. I slept until 10am which is unheard of.

3. I had a second interview with the company I interviewed with last week. I was not impressed. I just didn't get a good vibe. The COO was asking me questions about my time at different jobs because she stated she needed that information, however it was on my resume AND on the application I filled out. Not to mention that halfway during the interview they realized that I was interviewing for one position and they were interviewing me for another.

4. This means I had some decisions to make. If I leave my present job to work full time than that means no school. School starts Monday. If I start school I'm not going to drop. I'm taking some heavy classes and I don't like to do anything less than 110 percent (well other than blog, apparently).

5. So hubby and I chatted about it for quite a while during our dinner last night. I know, deep down, that if I don’t go back to school this semester, then I’m not going back. On the other hand, I’m not sure we can afford for me to only work part time. BUT I feel strongly that school and working part time is what God has planned for me…..and if it is I’m hoping that he will began to make things more pleasant for me at work.

6. There are SO many things about my present employer that I hate. But there are some things that make it ok. It’s flexible. It’s close. They pay me pretty well for working part time. I am currently experience two paid four day weekends in a row. VERY NICE.

7. I don’t really believe in doing New Year’s Resolutions. I like to think that you can start each day as a new start. But I do have some goals that I would like to accomplish.

8. I would like to get in the habit of waking up early every morning and spending some time with the book “Purpose Driven Life.” I feel that I need to spend some time meditating, praying, and just getting to know the inner me a little bit better.

9. The best part about this four day weekend is that I really have nothing planned. We are supposed to go to a casual party Saturday night and the boys don’t come back until Sunday night. Other than kickboxing I don’t have anywhere I need to be. Hell, I didn’t shower today until 4pm.

10. I like bowl games, I do, but how many does the hubby expect me to watch in one day? At this point they are all blended together and I can’t even keep track anymore. Besides, my favorite part is the marching bands. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.