Friday, January 30, 2009

crush a dream?

Yesterday was Beav's weekly choir practice. It was a significant day because last week he tried out for a speaking part in the musical they do at the end of the school year.

This is his second year in choir and last year he had a part as an understudy. Knowing how important this was to him I was anxious about hearing how it turned out. During the day I had been saying little prayers for him. The thing is that I think Beav has the ability to be a great performer, however not in the area of singing, which these speaking parts require.

I arrived at practice a little early to pick him up and once I noticed kids coming out of the building, no Beav. I waited a bit longer, no Beav. So I finally went in and headed to their practice room, no Beav. Walked around, looked everywhere and headed back to the choir room to ask the director if she knew where he was. She looked a little puzzled and said that he had told her that he had to leave early and had taken off 20 minutes ago. For a few moments all I felt was sheer terror because I had absolutely no idea where he was.

I headed back out and find him standing by the car. Of course I immediately started grilling him and he kept replying that he thought hubby had told him that he was picking him up early and when he saw hubby wasn't here he went to talk to one of the preschool teachers.

I knew he was lying and pretty much begged him to just come clean. He stuck to his story. So, I called him out because I had been there early and if indeed he had come out looking for hubby, he would have seen me.

Then he came clean. He didn't get the part and he was so upset that he just left early and he went to one of the teachers he knows to talk about it.

Dishonesty has been an issue with the child and recently I explained in no uncertain terms that it would not be tolerated. I was so angry I couldn't even speak. On the way home he kept trying to explain and I very firmly told him that I didn't want to hear it.

Part of the issue with me (see yesterdays post) is that I'm so taxed emotionally that when something happens to add to my anger I have a very difficult time staying in control.

I ended up giving myself a time out.

Later when beav and I talked about it he explained that he was so angry (he defintely inherited my bad temper) about not getting the part that he left because he was afraid he was going to show his temper to his fellow choir members.
He yelled and cried that it wasn't fair, that the boy that got the part was stupid, wasn't talented, how the boy kind of threw it Beav's face that he got it. How the boy didn't even want the part but the director made him try out.

He railed against all the injustices. And then we talked about it. I applauded his maturity in realizing that his anger could be a problem but explained that lying to the director was wrong and he had to take responsibility for it. Lying to me was wrong and he agreed explaining that he had lied because we were outside and there were other kids around and he was afraid that if he told me what had really happened he would have gotten upset and he didn't want the kids to see him cry.

I understand that and we discussed what he could/should have done.
It was a long discussion and he is still angry. Apparently, acting is his dream and he feels his dream has been taken away. He is angry with God because if God really loved him he would understand how important this is and he would have gotten the part. I did my best to explain that sometimes what God has planned for us doesn't really line up with our plans.

But here is my dilemma - how do I explain that perhaps his talents lie elsewhere and maybe this is not the right dream for him or do I explain that all.

This boy, with all his issues and constant struggles, is such a joy. He is so amazing in so many ways. He has so many talents and the biggest heart. I don't want to crush his dreams, but how and do I steer him away from this goal and onto something else?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


Anonymous said...

You don't necessarily need to steer him away from his goal, just get him to learn new way of handling rejection. Look at someone like Beethoven who even when he was death, wrote the most beautiful music on the planet! Just because we have disabilities doesn't mean we stand down in the face of adversity. My son has ADHD and he, too, is prone to outbursts and lying. While he is only 6, we still get onto him about honesty, honesty, honesty. And that is the best thing to do. And learning to deal with his anger is a positive way. Perhaps, if he wants to become a better acter, and learn to handle rejection, he could learn to channel that anger and frustration via acting classes. If that's his passion, they can serve as his outlet. And it could be a way if either letting him get it out of his system, or letting him explore something that could turn into a career.

'Nette said...

There's always acting camp. It seems this part, being in a musical, called for two talents.

I agree with endochick that he needs to learn with rejection and disappointment. We as people have control issues when God's plans and our dreams don't line up, and it's hard to be quiet and listen. I'd encourage the Beav to be quiet, and listen to what is being put on his heart, not focus on his own heart's desire. And in the meantime there are acting camps so he can improve what talents he does have.

"He is angry with God because if God really loved him he would understand how important this is and he would have gotten the part." Remind him that God often has bigger and better things in store for us, more than we could ever dream or imagine.

(hugs) parenting boys is such a pain sometimes :)