I'm exhausting and exhausted.

I think that sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to be able to pull yourself up. I thought that the week of Christmas I had done that.

Apparently I was wrong. Because rock bottom occurred at my house last night. I won't describe it, it wasn't pretty. It started with Beav presenting me with a progress report from Math reflecting he is earning an F. Why? Because he has not turned in any homework. I know he does his homework because I check it every night. Yet somehow between our dining room table and his school bag it disappears.

Apparently this was just too much stress for me to handle and I had a complete meltdown.

Today, I'm exhausted and embarrassed but I feel ok. I still think therapy is necessary but I am absolutely certain that I never want to repeat what occured last night. That alone is motivation enough to get my shit together.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had plans with this person. I had to cancel and only told her that it was due to an emergency. Later I called to apologize but she didn't answer. However, she text'd me in response to my message about a minute later so it's obvious she didn't answer because she didn't want to.

This led to an exchange of text messages that ended with her saying some very cruel things. The ironic thing is that she said being my friend is exhausting. This is someone who hasn't spoken to me in three months. This is someone who, every time we went anywhere together, I had to drive because she just refused to. And yes, she helped with gas, etc, but still even if we were going somewhere where I live I had to drive where she lives, pick her up and bring her back to where I live. This is someone who I sat with all night while she threw up and sent text messages that I later deleted because who wants to be reminded of drunk texting?

Yet, I'm exhausting. When I called her the day my mom died she barely said a word. She never called me during the week to see how I was doing. She sent me a text message! And in reality we wouldn't have started talking again if I hadn't contacted her. And we stopped being in touch because I was always the one reaching out and she never was.

She hit below the belt with the exhausting comment because I know that right now, I am exhausting. I don't mean to be. I hate it and if I could change it I would. What I do know though is that if any of my friends were really hurting I would do ANYTHING to help. I would call, send cards, remind them that I'm there every chance I had. There have been times when my friends have said hurtful things. Sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes they are just being honest, and sometimes I'm just too sensitive. And when that happens I let it go.

But this wasn't being hurtful. This was being mean. And it took every bit of self restraint I have (and I don't have a lot) not to reply with some pretty horrible missives. I could have taken it really low and part of me wanted to, but I just couldn't.

The worst part is that this is someone I really shared a lot of personal things with. My inclination is to keep more things to myself. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I can't trust people. And I hate feeling like I have the worst instincts about others.

That's a lot of hate.

But even now, I'm ok.