Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I almost picked up the phone and called you today. Every once in a while I find myself doing that. It's as if I forget for quick second that you're not here to talk to. After I finished interviewing three people today you were the first person I wanted to talk to. You would have appreciated the funny stories.

I mean really, when you ask a candidate why the job interests them and their answer is "because I have pain in my knees and back and I need to get it treated" you can't help but think, did you really say that out loud?

Today is your wedding anniversary. I bought you a card. How silly is that? Do you think the people in the grocery store were freaked out by the crazy redhead silently crying in front of the card display?

Really, most days I'm fine. But then a day will come up where I just can't stop crying. I miss you so much. I hate how everything has changed. I just want everything to be the way it was because now it just feels all broken.

Like my heart.

Molehills to Mountains

I promised an explanation of this.

For the past couple of years I've had this little freckle on my neck. It gets bigger, grows into a mole, and then fills with blood, pops, and goes away, then comes back a few months later as a freckle.

I know, totally gross.

This time it never went away. It just kept filling with blood. And it hurt. And it looked infected. So one of the medical assistants at my office suggested I run upstairs to the skin care office just to have them take a look at it. They look at my pale skin, my freckles, and my few moles and decide a complete screening is necessary. All of a sudden this quick trip upstairs has turned into something more. Now I'm naked in a paper robe while a doctor is viewing every mole with a special magnifying glass. And then she found something that she didn't like.

It's on my leg, on my calf. She mentioned that the edges were uneven and discolored. I stared at it for awhile while she was out of the room and honestly if I wasn't looking that closely for the discoloration I would have never noticed it. That mole has been shaved off.

She did a punch biopsy on my neck. I have two tiny sutures and am now sporting a very small round band aid. Sutures have to stay in until a week from tomorrow. It will take ten days to receive the results of the biopsy.

Everyone asks if I'm worried. I'm really not. With everything else that has been happening in my life this just seems like another bump on my journey.

It's painfully obvious that God is trying to get my attention. I just wish I knew for what.

Tomorrow hubby, the kids, and myself are headed here for the weekend. We are staying at a cabin that we won through a silent auction last October. It's literally taken us this long to get a free weekend. Three fireplaces, whirlpool bathtub, right on a creek. I'm thinking heaven. Plus, we don't have to worry about any linens, firewood, etc. All we need to bring is our clothes and food for the weekend. And I plan to spend the weekend in jeans and tshirts so it's probably the easiest trip I've ever packed for.

I'm just looking forward to relaxing with my family. But don't worry, the cabin does have wifi :)

Wordless Wednesday...explanation coming soon

And the Uglier

I read a lot of different blogs. Almost all are mom blogs with the exception of a few. Everyone writes in a different style. Some write tongue in cheek and they're very funny. Some are just straight forward discussing their lives, activities, and families.



I've been blogging for about six years. I don't do it for recognition. I don't blog in the hope that I'll become famous. I don't sell ads on my blog (not that there's anything wrong with that). For me, blogging is a way to get the stuff that is in my head out. It's pretty much how I just throw up everything I'm thinking/feeling as a way to sort it out. Kind of my way of finding out if what I'm feeling is real or needs a closer look.



I don't blog about everything going on. In fact I also keep a handwritten journal. Sometimes it's just not convenient to boot up the laptop and sort things out here.



So, imagine my surprise when my last post receives a comment that starts with "I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer" or maybe it was anymore, anyway, it started with that and then proceeded to trash me or should I say trash my feelings.



First, if you have been fighting to "keep your mouth shut" well, then, you're spending WAY too much time thinking about what I write here. I mean seriously, if what you read bothers you move the hell on.



Furthermore this is a snippet of my life. This is the place where I yell out all those things that I can't yell anywhere else. For the record, the day that I wrote that post I did talk to my dad. But, that's for another post.



I understand this is public. And I understand that being public means you run the risk of people leaving negative comments, yada, yada, yada. But I'm sorry, I just don't get it. As I said I read a lot of different blogs and I often read things that I a)don't understand or b)disagree with but I've never felt the need to trash someone on their own blog.


Thanks, I feel better now. Just needed to throw up my feelings again.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

It's not secret that I've been in a funk. It's a complete combination of factors and everything seems to meld into each other so I don't even know where to start. I could call my life The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly



The Ugly:

My dad. After this conversation my dad and I haven't talked. He's called a few times but I haven't spoken to him. I'm not going to hide that fact that I'm hurt and angry. Last week my sister called me to tell me that my dad had called her and mentioned he felt like taking his own life because "his relationships were screwed up" and he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him. Then my sister tells me that I need to be the bigger person and call my dad because he's hurting. What about me? I'm hurting. What really made me angry is that then she uses God as a way to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right. Look, I know that eventually I have to forgive him. I understand what the Bible says. However, I don't think God's intention is for me to allow others to inflict pain on me and just shrug it off. I'm fairly sure that God is also concerned for my emotional welfare.



What also bugs me is that my dad used God as a way to justify that I should accept his relationship. God is my family's fallback guy.



The fact is that right now I'm fairly emotionally fragile and I'm still seriously grieving for my mom. My dad having a girlfriend, planning a wedding, and booking a honeymoon is not ok with me. I'M NOT OK WITH IT. That is my right. It's unfortunate that it hurts my dad BUT IT'S MY RIGHT. For way too long I have put everyone else's crap in front of mine. And this one time, it's my turn.



And seriously..calling and talking about taking your own life? What the hell is that? Because if you're really considering it you don't use it as a threat. TRUST ME. Back in January when my grief pretty much caused me to hit rock bottom I was considering it. Not as a way to hurt others or get people to do what I wanted, but just as a way to stop the pain. I simply didn't want to feel any anything any longer. I'm not proud that I felt this way. It's horrible. And even though I thought of it a lot, I just couldn't put my family through that. I'm not that selfish.



The Bad:

Work is killing me. I just can't ever seem to catch up and I've spent the last several weeks working myself to death trying to get everything done. The psychologist says I have a bad habit of wanting to try to fix everything and that the problem is I neglect myself because I'm trying to fix what's wrong with everybody and everything else. Which, by the way, made me feel really depressed for a couple of days when I realized she was right.



The last couple of weeks have been horrible. I'm barely working out, I haven't sparred since April. These are things that are really important to me. I go to bed with a headache, I wake up with a headache. I don't sleep well. I'm cranky with everyone. I'm so exhaused by the time I get home that I neglect my family and the other responsibilities I have.



For the love of God, I've been feeding my family leftovers for dinner.



The Good

In the past few weeks I have rediscovered how truly lucky I am for being married to such an amazing person. Seriously there is no way I could have survived the past nine months without him.



Beav performed in his musical on Sunday night. He was beaming on that stage and even though he didn't have a speaking part he really stood out. He is just so comfortable performing. On Monday morning one of his teachers pulled me aside and mentioned that she and another teacher were really impressed with his performance. She wanted to see how I felt about putting him in a performing arts high school after he's done with middle school. WOW. After all this crap, it was so nice to hear positive things. Because even with everything that's happened he's a pretty amazing kid.

So, that's the past few weeks. I've decided that I need to just write down a work schedule and stick to it. That means, not neglecting my workouts to go in early, stay late or work all day on the weekends.

I can do this.

Wordless Wednesday, Squash and Tomatoes

Why my 13 year old owes me five grand

Mentally I've started this post quite a few times over the past few days. Ever feel like you're on a speeding train and can't get it to slow down? That's how I feel. So many things I need/want to get done and I either run out of time to do it or just lack the motivation. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and I can't make it stop.

So frustrating.

During the past few weeks we've been having issues with Beaver. He does his homework but doesn't turn it in. He doesn't do his homework. He forgets to bring home things that we need to see or sign. Then when questioned he's dishonest about it. I really thought I had just reached the end of the line in terms of my patience. It just seemed that my baby boy had disappeared and I wasn't too fond of the person that took his place.

I have considered several times over the past several months that maybe Beav should live with his dad. The constant need to constantly check on him is overwhelming and dealing with my mom's death has just left me with nothing. However, after several conversations with my ex, having Beav with him full time just isn't an option. He believes that Beav does all this on purpose and his answer is he needs more meds.

Thursday night was the open house for Beav's school. After visiting all of his classes, picking up his progress reports, all with D's, one less than 2 percent away from an F, I went to the car and just started to sob. My son was almost flunking the seventh grade. I was so upset, disappointed, angry at myself and at Beav. I didn't want to be the mom of "that kid." Just saying that out loud to my hubby made me feel even worse and then I cried because I felt like such a horrible mother.

When we got home we talked to Beav in depth and over the next twelve hours found out that he had been dishonest with us several times over the past few days. Everything else I can deal with but the lying, it was just too much and I was brutally honest with Beav about it. It was as if I was looking at this boy that I didn't know any more.

Hubby took over a bit and contacted the school the next day. Beav isn't going to flunk, but he has to keep his nose very clean for the next week. The nice thing about him being in private school is that the teachers are really compassionate and understanding. The negative thing is that all I could think about is that I've paid over $5000 for my son to earn D's.

This kid is not stupid. He's super bright. He tried to tell me that he was doing poorly because school was too hard. His progress reports show different. When he does his work AND turns it in...when he studies for a test...A's. When he doesn't turn in his homework...F's. His grades are either F's or A's. No middle ground.

So...I decided that perhaps Beav needed to understand all this and explained that he owed me $5400. I started a tally on a spreadsheet and on Saturday he began working it off. I took him to my office and he did a couple of hours there and then I brought home some work and he spent the rest of Saturday doing that.

I could tell he was frustrated and we had a very candid talk in which I explained a few things:

1. I hate punishing him, but dishonesty deserves punishment
2. When you constantly lie to someone that loves and care about you, you can do irreparable damage to that relationship.
3. Without trust, it's hard to feel close to someone you love.

He pretty much started sobbing and I think (hope) that perhaps he understood how damaging dishonesty can be. We had the same conversation last night and he told me that he felt physical pain at the hurt he had caused.

I'm not going to make him work off $5400, but he'll be working off a couple of hundred, at least. I did let him watch TV, but only today and with Einstein and myself as a family activity.

Hubby is out of town and I'll be dealing with all of this by myself until he returns next weekend. I'm FAIRLY sure I can deal with it.

I just want my baby back.

Some times you have to drive two hours to talk

If you've been paying attention to my tweets then you know that hubby and I have been out of town since Wednesday. We traveled to Santa Barbara for the C@ Ortho Assn annual meeting. My boss and one of our doctors also attended the meeting. We got there early afternoon on Wednesday and headed downtown to do some window shopping and grab some dinner. Well, it started out as window shopping but perhaps there was real shopping too.

Hubby and I ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant at the recommendation of a local shop owner. We started talking about some issues that have come up between us and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.

We normally communicate very well but there were a couple of things that we hadn't been able to get around and somehow being out of town and relaxed gave us the ability to do that. Even though I was there for work, being away from home and the office allowed me to really relax in a way that hasn't occurred in a long time.

The remainder of the trip continued along the same theme. We were both really relaxed, happy, and seriously enjoyed each other's company. We've realized that perhaps getting away for a weekend every other month or so is required for the health of our relationship.

This trip was a bit more elaborate than most since my boss was footing the bill for our hotel and part of our meals. However, I think getting away for two nights isn't too difficult to do.

We enjoyed some really great meals and yesterday spent the afternoon wine tasting. Went to one tasting room and two wineries. One winery is becoming a favorite, Zaca Mesa. Great wines, I even like some of their whites, which is saying a lot!!!! I enjoyed their wines so much I joined their wine club. I haven't been in a wine club for years.

We also stopped in Solvang. It was a place that my mom really enjoyed visiting and I felt the need to go. Walked around a bit, poked through some shops and enjoyed some ice cream. A lot of storefronts are closed which is sad. I remember when Solvang was packed with stores and tourists.

Santa Barbara was beautiful. We did see a lot of the devastation from the fire which was sad. Lots of firefighters were still in town. They really did an amazing job of saving some homes. You could see many houses where the fire had gone right up to the edge. Having lived in a high danger area for fires myself I know that it's a risk you take for living in a beautiful area.

This post is all over the place but I'm tired and not anxious to get back to work tomorrow. Not to mention our sink is plugged and we have to have a plumber come tomorrow.

Back to real life.

Apparently I'm now an orphan

I survived Mother's Day week.

I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.

It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."

WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.

I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???

Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.

I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.

Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.

I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.

It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.

Why I sleep on the bathroom floor

I'm alive...barely.

Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.

My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.

It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.

The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.

Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.

The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.

I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.

I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.

In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.

Surviving

Grief sucks. There is no way around it. I forget how holidays really tend to screw me up and yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.

To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.

He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.

And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.

This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.

Grief sucks.

I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.

In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.

Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.

So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.

Thursday Ten - Work and Psychotherapy Edition

I thought instead of trying to catch up on everything happening I would just summarize in a Thursday Ten.

1. Out of the last twenty-six days I have worked twenty-four of them. This is not a good thing. Especially since I'm now salary and when I sat down and figured it out I am making less now than I was when I was just a regular office staffer. Yesterday when I had my psych appointment the psychologist put her foot down about me putting my foot down. So, today I sat down and worked out a work schedule that still has me working a lot, but a bit more realistic because in her words "I need a life."

2. One of the casualties of more work is less working out. This is starting to freak me out because I have a fight coming up five weeks from Saturday. My trainer keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine but ACK, I am freaking out!!

3. In my desire to "get a life" I have started my own local wine club. It's something that I've been thinking about and one of my girlfriends told me to basically just do it, so I did. Check out the D'Vine Divas here.

4. Speaking of the psychologist my father has not managed to drive me crazy in the last few days. He took his "new" family to Knotts Berry Farm last Friday, that was fun to explain to my kids. They were all like why hasn't grandpa ever taken us to Knotts Berry Farm? How do you answer that?

5. As if my kids haven't had enough to deal with my son's step-mother's mother, basically their step-grandma, just died the other day of brain cancer. Einstein is as stoic as ever. Beav, on the other hand, is a bit of a wreck. This is the third death they've had to deal with since July. That's just nuts.

6. One of my employees asked me today if she could get her nose pierced and I said sure. It seemed hypocritical of me to say no since mine is pierced. Hope the doctor's don't mind. But they did make me the boss.

7. Speaking of doctors, one of the ones I work for began behaving like a total ass and screamed at me on the phone yesterday. Unfortunately my husband was in my office when this occurred and he was none too happy. I believe he mentioned words such as "chicken shit."

8. Tomorrow night I plan to go to my first Long Beach tweet up. I'm kinda excited although I can't stay out very late because I train on Saturday morning.

9. Saturday night I'm going here with one of my girlfriends. I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since the night my mom died. There is a lot less of me now so it will be interesting to see how people respond.

10. The best thing about the upcoming weekend - I am not working!

Till death do us apart and the tombstone is in place

Work is slowly progressing. The doc and I both know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we're just hoping to see it soon. I am working my ass off, although it's still there, but I feel good about the work I'm doing and I'm glad I could help.

My father has pretty much upset all of his children. My sister warned me that he could be possibly bringing his "girlfriend" to my house when he arrives on Thursday night. I had to call him to give a head's up because I don't want to meet her.

That is my prerogative and my choice. I've talked about it extensively with my psychologist and she's assured me that this is a correct decision for me. I seriously can't put making my father feel better about his choice above my own mental health. I discussed his choices with him today and it became a very heated argument. Now my father has decided to close his business, because "she" feels it's unsafe. Now he has decided he needs to move to Southern California to be closer to her even though most of his family lives up north. And the biggie..he told me that he is waiting to marry "her" out of, and are you ready for this load of shit, respect for me.

I basically told him that he was being disrespectful to the memory of my mother. I also explained that at this point even thinking of him marrying someone else made me literally sick to my stomach and I didn't want to even discuss it.

I swear, I don't know who he is. I reminded him that every grief source I've consulted discourages you from making any major decisions for at least a year. He argued with me saying that everything he's consulted says everyone reacts differently. Yes, that's true I told him and those same people say wait a year before making any major changes.

I'm pretty sure that I'd be hard pressed to find a source that says after your wife of 41 years suddenly dies you should find a girlfriend, that was related to her, quit your job, move away from everyone, and remarry in less than a year.

I'm just saying.

I only complain a little

I worked TWELVE hours today. And I hardly made a dent in what I needed to get done. I brought work home but haven't been able to touch it yet.

As if all the work crap isn't enough I am trying to staff my parent workers for Grand Prix. After doing this it's quite obvious that people do not pay attention to detail. Inevitably half the responses I receive ask me questions that were addressed in my email. So then I have to spend more time answering questions I've already answered. Sometimes, just to be a bitch, I cut and paste from the original email I sent. Just my way of saying, hey dumbass, pay attention.

I'm very grateful that I have a job and I love being busy, even though I'm maxed. BUT, I have mixed emotions about being manager. It's a good skill and a big step up. But medical billing is my first love and I don't want to get too far away from that. There is only so far I can go though in that position.

I'm certainly learning on a trial by fire basis.

Tonight while I was trying to finish up at work my IPOD shuffled up some slower sad songs. The kind of songs that make me melancholy. I often have very poor judgment when it comes to friendships. A lot of people that I don't like right away end up being my very good friend. But then there are those that I think I will be friends with forever and it ends up badly. I've reached a point where I no longer trust my judgment where people are concerned. I really hate feeling like this.

You know what I'd like. I'd like some sort of test. You know, like what they do for drugs or alcohol. "Here, breath in this. Oh, green, that means you'll be loyal to the end."

Obviously I'm tired. I should quit talking now.

Apparently now I'm a crook

I'm settling into the new job, SLOWLY. It's been a wild ride. Today I did payroll for the first time. I don't think I mucked it up too bad. There's only been one real "incident" since I took over. Last Thursday, while I was sitting at home enjoying a nice wine buzz, my cell phone rang. It was one of the employees that we had let go. She was calling to tell me that she had received a letter from EDD advising her that there was no balance for unemployment insurance.

This part is important. She didn't call me crying or panicky. She called me all angry and pissed off. I'm not sure what I was suppose to do about it at 8pm on a Thursday night and I told her so. Then she told me that she was going to come into the office the next day to talk to the head doc. I asked her what purpose that was going to serve and her response was that she wanted the doc to know what was going on. I explained to her that since she had disturbed my evening I was going to be sure that I told the doc.

Of course I spend the rest of my evening going back and forth wondering if my former manager did not pay EDD and being really angry at the former employer for calling me.

When I got to work the next day I found out that she had called all of the employees. One of them asked her what her purpose was for calling me. She told them it was because she felt I needed to know. Now I'm even more pissed off. I quickly discover that we have, in fact, been paying EDD.

Shortly after I get a call from said employee who announces that she had filed under the wrong employer name which is why she got the letter. "So, let me get this straight. You call all the employees, create hysteria, ruin my evening, all because of a mistake you made?" She gets all self righteous on me and tells me that she had called me on Thursday evening because she wanted to be comforted. She did not call me for comfort. She called me because she was pissed and she wanted to yell at someone. I called her on it, and she stuck to her guns that she wanted comfort and then told me that obviously my position has gone to my head.

Then she proceeded to tell me that my former manager would have always been available during off hours for such reasons. That's total bullshit. I just replied with "well, look where that got you." I mean seriously because of my former manager she is out of a job. Her response, "well who says you won't do the same thing."

That was her way of inferring that I would commit fraud, steal, and lie.

This from a woman who has been working under the table for another one of our docs but tells everyone she is "volunteering." Which you know is bullshit because who "volunteers" their time at their former place of employment.

I'm one step away from reporting her.

Here's where I drop the f bomb

Obviously my new responsibilities at work have created a lot of stress. I think I've been handling it very well, considering the circumstances. I've been trying to tackle everything by handling one thing at a time. It's a lot of pressure. In some ways I feel that the head physician is kind of counting on me to fix everything. I just can't do that.

Today we had a meeting with all the physicians..and their wives. If you've ever worked in a medical practice you won't have to ask why the wives where there. If you haven't...well, I'm not sure I can explain it to you. It was not a fun meeting. There was a lot of anger..none of it directed at me, but still, very uncomfortable. I think I handled it well and I came out of the meeting feeling that most of the docs are somewhat confident in me and what I'm willing to do. I certainly don't give them excuses or try to brush them off and already that's a step in the right direction.

I also had to talk to an individual working for a federal government agency that shall go unnamed in this blog. That wasn't fun.

Then at 5pm I left for the day. It was time for my hair appointment. I've been going to the same hairdresser for years. He knows way more about me than most of my friends. It's such a cliche, but it works. We had a lot to catch up on because so much has happened in the past week. I even enjoyed some wine, which is rare. He was laughing because I was feeling pretty free spirited and, dare I say it, a bit happy.

I continued home and opened a bottle of wine. I figured since I had started on that journey I should see it through. Ivan, the hairdresser, cut me off after I used the term "mofo." Then my phone rings.

A former employee, that is one of the individuals that was laid off last week, calls me ON MY CELL PHONE AT 8PM AT NIGHT to tell me that EDD has informed her there are no unemployment funds.

Now, I'm not sure what this means because 1)I'm a bit tipsy and 2)I've been a manager/payroll person/superwoman for less than a week. I suspect that it means the former manager never paid EDD the money that is taken out of our check twice a month. This would not surprise me in the least. Then former employer proceeds to tell me she is going to come in the office tomorrow to get some answers. Oh really? If that were the case WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL ME AT 8PM AT HOME?

Are you sensing my irritation? I mean seriously people. I had a good buzz going. I was seeing very nice uninhibited bedroom time with my hubby in my future. Don't get me wrong. I understand she was upset. Rightly so. However, calling me isn't going to make it better. I can't call EDD at 8pm on a Thursday evening.

The more I thought about it the more pissed I got. In fact I hope she does come in tomorrow. Because there is a small piece of my mind left and I plan on giving it to her. And while I'm at it. She's lucky I don't turn her in. Because she has been working the past two days in our office for one of our semi-retired doctors. She told me she was "volunteering" her time. He told my head doctor that he was paying her out of his own money. If he's paying her then I could let EDD know. In fact, right before she called I was telling hubby that I was in a bit of a dilemma because of this situation. Today I received the papers from EDD asking me if I knew that any of the employees were, in fact, working.

I feel better now. Only because people on twitter freaking rock. Yes they do. I don't like sharing my crap on there. In fact, I didn't intend to. It was the bad combination of wine and a who gives a fuck attitude that caused me to vomit up emotions.

But those twitter folks, they came through. I'm constantly amazed at the beauty and kindness of others. It seriously gives me pause and reminds me that all of this other shit is temporary.

Except for my mom being dead. That's permanent. And by the way, speaking of such. I understand my dad is lonely. I get that. Put yourself in my shoes. My parents have been married for over forty years. One day my mom is here, the next she's gone. And seven months later my dad wants to show up with another woman. I just can't do it. Unless you're A)a girl and b)lost your mom you really can't get it, but I appreciate the thoughts anyway.

Please remember this post was written while consuming my fourth glass of wine.

RIP Honeybear

When my mom died I never cursed God. I didn't get angry at God, blame God, shake my fist at him....none of those things, even though everything I've read told me it was perfectly normal.

Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.

Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."

For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.

On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!

I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.

There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.

I don't see that happening.

The Rest of the Story

So....the rest of the story.

Apparently our current office manager has been playing a bit of a shell game. And left our practice in a bit of a mess. The doctor called me to tell me the bad news. I was waiting for him to tell me that they were going to be laying me off. But instead he asked if I would consider taking over the manager position.

I have only ran a medical practice once and it was considerably smaller than this one. I'm pretty freaked out. I spent the whole weekend there trying to sort stuff out. I was hoping I'd feel a bit more in control but instead I just feel completely lost.

On Friday they terminated her and had her show me some things before she left. Can we say awkward? It's a real big mess and a lot more complicated than I can really go into to. I have to be careful because this might have legal consequences.

As if this isn't enough. My father calls me Friday to ask me a question regarding my mom's headstone. The headstone that he is finally getting around to taking care of. In the middle of the conversation he switches topics and wants to know if he can bring HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MY HOUSE SO THAT I CAN MEET HER! I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet my dad's girlfriend. The whole thing is sick!!

Then today I find out that he is thinking of moving down here, well to San Bernardino where she lives. OMG. This is not good. He is going to move away from the majority of his children and grandchildren to be with this woman?

My appointment with my psychologist is on Wednesday. Someone should tell her to get the admit papers ready.

Viewer discretion is advised

I've been twittering today about some stuff going on at work. I can't go into details about it....yet.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.

After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.

After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?

So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!

I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).

I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.

...to be continued.

Where is a parachute when you need one?

Yes, it's been ages since I updated. I've been a bad blogger. Is there a bad blogger jail? I've been busy, but I'm not sure with what.

I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.

Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?

I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.

If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.

Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?