Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

It's not secret that I've been in a funk. It's a complete combination of factors and everything seems to meld into each other so I don't even know where to start. I could call my life The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Ugly:

My dad. After this conversation my dad and I haven't talked. He's called a few times but I haven't spoken to him. I'm not going to hide that fact that I'm hurt and angry. Last week my sister called me to tell me that my dad had called her and mentioned he felt like taking his own life because "his relationships were screwed up" and he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him. Then my sister tells me that I need to be the bigger person and call my dad because he's hurting. What about me? I'm hurting. What really made me angry is that then she uses God as a way to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right. Look, I know that eventually I have to forgive him. I understand what the Bible says. However, I don't think God's intention is for me to allow others to inflict pain on me and just shrug it off. I'm fairly sure that God is also concerned for my emotional welfare.

What also bugs me is that my dad used God as a way to justify that I should accept his relationship. God is my family's fallback guy.

The fact is that right now I'm fairly emotionally fragile and I'm still seriously grieving for my mom. My dad having a girlfriend, planning a wedding, and booking a honeymoon is not ok with me. I'M NOT OK WITH IT. That is my right. It's unfortunate that it hurts my dad BUT IT'S MY RIGHT. For way too long I have put everyone else's crap in front of mine. And this one time, it's my turn.

And seriously..calling and talking about taking your own life? What the hell is that? Because if you're really considering it you don't use it as a threat. TRUST ME. Back in January when my grief pretty much caused me to hit rock bottom I was considering it. Not as a way to hurt others or get people to do what I wanted, but just as a way to stop the pain. I simply didn't want to feel any anything any longer. I'm not proud that I felt this way. It's horrible. And even though I thought of it a lot, I just couldn't put my family through that. I'm not that selfish.

The Bad:

Work is killing me. I just can't ever seem to catch up and I've spent the last several weeks working myself to death trying to get everything done. The psychologist says I have a bad habit of wanting to try to fix everything and that the problem is I neglect myself because I'm trying to fix what's wrong with everybody and everything else. Which, by the way, made me feel really depressed for a couple of days when I realized she was right.

The last couple of weeks have been horrible. I'm barely working out, I haven't sparred since April. These are things that are really important to me. I go to bed with a headache, I wake up with a headache. I don't sleep well. I'm cranky with everyone. I'm so exhaused by the time I get home that I neglect my family and the other responsibilities I have.

For the love of God, I've been feeding my family leftovers for dinner.

The Good

In the past few weeks I have rediscovered how truly lucky I am for being married to such an amazing person. Seriously there is no way I could have survived the past nine months without him.

Beav performed in his musical on Sunday night. He was beaming on that stage and even though he didn't have a speaking part he really stood out. He is just so comfortable performing. On Monday morning one of his teachers pulled me aside and mentioned that she and another teacher were really impressed with his performance. She wanted to see how I felt about putting him in a performing arts high school after he's done with middle school. WOW. After all this crap, it was so nice to hear positive things. Because even with everything that's happened he's a pretty amazing kid.

So, that's the past few weeks. I've decided that I need to just write down a work schedule and stick to it. That means, not neglecting my workouts to go in early, stay late or work all day on the weekends.

I can do this.


Stormy said...
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Anonymous said...

You have every right to grieve in your own time and feel the way you do. You have every right to not be ok with your father's new relationship. Yes, he has every right also to go on w/ his life and that's his choice but you don't have to put on a fake smile and say, "It's ok. I love you and as long as you're happy, I'm happy." Bottom line: You should not deny how you feel to placate someone else. Obviously, it's ideal to come to some understanding on this but your family needs to deal w/ the fact that you're going to need some time to "be ok with it".

Anonymous said...
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marymac said...

Honestly, I think you have enough on your plate without dissenting comments on your blog when you clearly need support.
Hang in there. Things will get better. Time heals. Take one day- no, one HOUR at a time. The honesty on your blog is amazing- kudos to you for sharing. What's that saying? When you are at the end of your rope- tie a knot and hang on!

The Lily said...

Stormy, Diva's right. She has every right to *not* be fine with her dad getting married. People not being fine with other people getting married happens every day. The difference here is he asked (imposed), she told, he didn't like. But she is otherwise not impeding their marital progress which, is none of her business otherwise.

There is no destroying going on here unless you count his selfish motives wrecking an already tentative repor. I'd jettison my own father as well until he got his act in order. Her dad's forcing that relationship on her while she has a billion other things going on and that is something that mature adults cannot do. If he is going to ask her an opinion he needs to be ready for either answer.

Additionally, HE needs to be fine with his own life with or without the consent of his daughter. Problem is he is seeking validation from outside sources and I wouldn't be shocked at all if this relationship doesn't last.

The talking about taking his own life (truly, if he were going to do it he would have done it already without the hoodoo) is manipulation of the highest order.

He needs to grow the F up. Diva's working through her own issues physically/emotionally with professionals and really just doing a beautiful job.

I doubt he can say the same.

Stormy said...
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divacowgirl said...

I never thought I'd be in a position to defend myself here. I'm not manipulating my father by not communicating to him. He told me "I can no longer have a relationship with you." His choice. The only thing I gain by not talking to him is sanity and peace.

Also, he asked for my approval. I didn't offer unsolicited advice. And yeah if I died I'd want my husband to move on, but not at the expense of my family. My father has alienated my brothers, my sister and myself with his actions. He doesn't see his grandchildren like he use to. We all get together and where is he? Four hundred miles away.

This is a snippet of my life.

Becky said...


Today I 'found' you, and read every post from August 2008 until today. I am asking myself why I couldn't stop reading... perhaps because I can relate to many of your struggles? Many. Of. Them.

So I wanted to write. To say hello. To offer a hand of cyber-friendship. So many of those earlier posts had no comments - and you really deserved more.

You are an awesome woman, I can just tell. A good mom. A good wife. Hard worker. A conscientious person.

Okay - enough. Hopefully through this randomness you can understand what I mean. And my blog? Very lame - it's one I do mainly for my family and girl-children. It's not very close at all to what really goes on in my mind.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the privilege of reading them. ~ Becky