Monday, May 11, 2009

Apparently I'm now an orphan

I survived Mother's Day week.

I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.

It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."

WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.

I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???

Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.

I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.

Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.

I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.

It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.

1 comment:

endochick said...

*hugs* All you can do is be there for yourself and your family and pray that one day he will realize the error of his ways and ask to be back in your life. The one thing I learned in therapy - protect yourself and your sanity. If distancing yourself from your father - whether it was him or you who made the first move - is what it takes to protect yourself, then that's what you must do. But maybe this will be the one thing that finally wears on him, and after a while he'll realize - after not seeing you or his grandchildren - that it's not worth it. Then perhaps he will reach out to you. While you may feel at this point like you can't forgive, you must focus on moving on without your father being a part of your life right now. That's going to rough. I didn't speak to my mom for about 5 years because of something she did and it took her coming to me and apologizing before we could mend the relationship. But it took her that long to realize she was wrong and our not speaking was her fault; that I had distanced myself to protect myself. So, it may sound selfish, but you need to protect yourself right now and allow your dad the time to figure his own grief out and realize what he's doing.