Saturday, April 17, 2010

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I Wish I Could Save My Soul. I'm So Cold From Fear

Today was a day of disappointment. But then, the whole week was that way.

Sparring this morning, one word, UGH. I just feel completely incompetent. I feel like everyone is so much better than I am. Tomorrow is my last day of sparring before the fight and panic exists below the surface, every minute. Not to mention, total rookie move, sparring, moving backwards and I slammed into the mirrored wall. Currently I feel like I was hit by a truck. Someone, remind me why I'm doing this again?

Then the mail arrived. Einstein found out he didn't get his ROTC scholarship. Beaver received a collection notice from the library for four library books that he didn't turn in and were due in February. Again, panic at the college situation. Where am I going to find an extra $15,000 a year? Drove Beav to the library, he turned in his books and I paid the $42 fine which is added to the $64 debt he already owes me because of lunch loans.

I got in the car to head off to run some errands and you know I just wanted to sit in there and cry. But I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go that way and let it all out and do that with someone close to comfort me. But that's not my style. I'm unable to do that. It's just a form of vulnerability that I'm unwilling to let anyone see.

In some way I feel I'm being punished for being a bad person. As if God is throwing all this crap at me because I'm not a good person. So then I drive around and run my errands and think about everything in my life and what God might be disapproving of and that just makes me feel worse.

And I recognize that I'm tired. I'm stretched a little too thin and that makes me more emotional than normal. I'm trying to find a balance between not second guessing my feelings and not over-reacting. That's easier said than done.

Title taken from James Blunt's "Tears and Rain"

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