Monday Musings

Just some random thoughts....I have recently come to understand (and when I say recently I mean the last two minutes) why it's important to save your post while typing. Somehow I managed to delete everything I typed with just a quick flash of my hand.

I didn't go to kickboxing tonight and I can't go tomorrow and Wednesday I leave to go to my dad's house. I'm convinced that in a space of a week I will have lost the little muscle tone I have and resemble a beached whale. Yes, I know this is irrational and crazy. How on earth am I going to avoid eating like a pig when a)I will be around my sister who snacks like crazy and yet never gains a pound thanks to breastfeeding; b)it's our first Thanksgiving without my mom and I am an emotional eater. Why cry when I can stuff my face with pie? and c)my sister and I plan to shop on black Friday which means - FOOD COURT, need I say more?

My animals are in cahoots to drive me batty. Sid, the dog, has learned to UNZIP my gym bag. In the past two days he has ate a protein bar, my chapstick, and my mouthpiece. Edward, the cat, has decided the ONLY place to sleep is wrapped around my head. Apparently I have a very warm head. For the record, both my animals were adopted and already named. I would have never picked Sidney and Edward.

Twitter sometimes annoys the hell out of me. At first I had everyone I was following set up so that their updates when to my phone, but seriously, some people just twitter to hear themselves speak. I don't think I twitter all that much but then I don't often feel I have anything interesting to say. I have become much more picky in who I follow via SMS however I am sure that Veriz@n regrets offering me the unlimited text option on my crackberry.

You know how they say "don't judge a book by it's cover?" Well, I do. Books, that is. I love to read and make frequent trips to the library. I do pick my books my their covers and I must say lately my judgement sucks!!! However, once I start a book I force myself to finish it. I think that on some level the book will end up redeeming itself, which rarely happens. My current bad choice is Banishing Verona by Margot Livesey. I just can't get into it.

And that ends another Monday

Wake Me When It's 2009

It's not that I'm blocked (because come on I'm not the wittiest chick around), I just have a hard time writing about it.....and talking about it. Besides, who wants to hear about it?

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. I had considered writing a post about her but I just couldn't do it. I spent the majority of the day alone (hubby had to work last night) and probably consumed more food for dinner and post dinner than I have in a normal single day. Have I ever mentioned I'm an emotional eater? However that's a subject for another day.

I understand why all this is hard. It was the first birthday. The first of many firsts...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, my parent's anniversary. I just never thought it would be this hard. I mean, yeah, I know losing someone you love is devastating, yada, yada, yada, but death is part of life? Right? I just never expected this. This huge dark cloud that at times makes it difficult to breathe. The crying. Every day, two or three times a day. At work, in the shower, driving. Anything sets it off. Songs are especially difficult.

A local grief counseling center offered a class on coping with grief during the holidays. I left during the first break. I just couldn’t handle all the touchy, feely, shit. Especially with strangers. Actually I can’t talk about it with people I know either. I can’t talk about it with hubby, my friends, my siblings, or my dad. It’s just so OVERWHELMING. I’m just worried that if I start saying all this stuff out loud it just becomes more real and I don’t think I can handle it.

I just want to stop feeling this way. I feel like a robot. On the outside I go about my regular activities and everything is normal. On the inside, I’m a complete wreck. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in over two weeks. I fall asleep, but I can’t stay that way. I’m completely exhausted. I chatted about it with the nurse the other day when I went to get my Depo-Provera shot. She thinks that eventually I’ll just crash however in the meantime she’s a bit concerned I’ll get sick. Apparently lack of rest compromises your immune system. I just feel like I’m operating on autopilot. I want it to end. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
Is it this hard for everyone? Am I whining too much? I just am not use to feeling like this. So..out of control where my emotions are concerned.

If I could just fast forward to after Christmas I’d be happy.

Watch It Wiggle

Friday night was our dojo's semi-annual "fight night." This was the night I was supposed to fight before I dropped out. I still went to support my friends that were fighting. Every fight night is done for a charity and this one was for a bone marrow registry. I am now a registered bone marrow possible donor. My trainer's brother works for BMW and they donated this as a raffle prize. Yeah, you read it right, it RETAILS for at least $1000 and I won it. And I don't know what to do with it. I'm inclined to sell it but I feel guilty for considering it.

I have a bicycle. It’s a nice beach cruiser. I, in no way, can do the new bike justice. I hardly have time to ride the bike I have. So for now it's just sitting in my dining room because I don't have a garage and I don't think it's safe in the backyard.After fight night the Dojo restarts sparring. That is, they take it all the way down back to basics. So, I’ve started again. I was listening to our trainer talk about how the class changes how you work out, steps up your game, etc..and I realized something. Remember this?

I started to gain my weight back when I stopped sparring. It was as if a light bulb went off over my head. I’m excited to be back although today I’m sore, but it’s so worth it. I’m hoping to fight at our next fight night in May however I’m not throwing my name in for a little while. I still feel back about backing out of this fight, although I had a very good reason.

As of right now I have a vision of me…less jiggle, more muscle.

Thursday Ten, The Vodka Edition

I stole this from The Mom Chronicles. I probably don't do it justice, but here it goes.

1. Tonight I'm chatting online with my friend Denise aka pictaker66 on twitter and I mention that I have to go because Lasagna and wine is awaiting me and she replies that she'll be right over and I answer, come on! And about fifteen minutes later there she is having dinner with myself and my family.

2. Of course a rule of having dinner with us is that you have to participate in Food For Talk, which, btw, is an excellent way to get your family to have actual conversation during dinner. Not that my family needed it because seriously my children never shut up.

3. Tonight's question was based on "Anger is only one letter away from danger." What dangerous things can happen when you're angry? Beav used it as an opportunity to exploit the fact that yours truly has a very bad temper. I do, I admit it. There is no door safe from my slamming when I'm pissed off, but hey it keeps me from throwing things......sometimes.

4. Dinner was enjoyable because A) I didn't have to cook it; B) both my children were actually present and c) one of my best friends was there to enjoy it with us.

5. I can't even begin to tell you how blessed I am to have the great friends I have. Seriously, I could write about it for days. It was just nice to sit and visit. And drink wine. And some cranberry juice with Vodka.

6. I had to drink the Cranberry Juice with Vodka because my back is seriously killing me. You would think with all the kickboxing I do that I would be somewhat flexible however it seems that last night's marital activities (use your imagination ladies and gentlemen) used some muscles that apparently I don't use in every day life. It hurts...a lot.

7. Of course that won't stop be from pursuing the same types of activities again. Maybe in a few moments from now. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know about me.

8. My husband, however, is mighty proud of himself and prepared for a round two. I'm all for it, but tonight, I'm so not going to be the cowgirl....if you know what I mean.

9. I must admit I'm enjoying this newfound sexual drive that I have. The last few months have been rough; grief is not compatible with my sex drive, apparently, however, for the time being I seem to be on an upward swing. Perhaps I'm gearing up for the rough Thanksgiving ahead.

10. In the meantime I will enjoy my husband and my friends (although I enjoy them differently). Perhaps I should change that to "time with my husband and my friends." Hell, you know what I mean. Tomorrow night is fight night, I'm not participating but I will be there to encourage my boxing buddies and prepare myself for six months from now when I take the ring.

And that is my Thursday Ten. Not as eloquent as The Mom Chronicles but I'd like to remind everyone that Vodka is involved.

Things on my mind right now

Things on my mind right now. I had my hairdresser put pink in my hair. It’s cute with the red, however we have family portraits being done on Sunday. I have this vision of thirty years from now my grandchildren thinking I’m a wacko.

The election. I found myself emotional. Last year in one of my classes I did a lot of research and writing on slavery, issues of racism, discrimination, etc. I never get tired of hearing Dr. King’s “I have a dream” speech and it’s all I could think of last night.

Proposition 8. Thanks to twitter, there has been so much talk about this proposition, from all over the country and Canada. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and their thoughts. Nobody is entitled to being called names because of their decision. I agree, a lot of people do make their decisions based on hate and prejudice. But a lot of people, especially people I know, made their decision based on their own convictions and their commitment to their faith. Nobody is entitled to face vandalism because of their decision. You can’t claim tolerance and then attack those who have a different opinion than you do. I’m aware that it’s been negative on both sides and it just makes me sad. If Proposition 8 passes there is no doubt in my mind that this issue has not been settled. We have a long ways to go in educating and enlightening individuals on both sides of this issue. Hell, we just elected an African American President for the first time, big changes like that don’t come easy and look how long it took us to get here.

My children, I was so happy to find them both engaged in the election. Einstein took part in voting at his school and Beav participated in class debates over the propositions. My children and I disagree on several of the issues, but I’m proud that they take a stand and are still willing to listen to different opinions.

Recently I’ve had people tell me that they could never be with someone who had opposite political views than they do. The husband and I differ a lot in our political opinions and now so do my children and I and you know what, I like it that way. It just makes all of us that much more educated and prepared to make decisions. I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many individuals who think so differently than I do. I admit that sometimes it leaves me scratching my head thinking “what the hell….?” But I’m better for it.

Last but not least I was giving Beav a short economics lesson in the car this morning. Explaining that how people quit spending and how that trickles down to impact everyone. I used the example of my second job where I’ve seen my commissions drop by sixty percent. So, I spend less, which means stores don’t many as much money, which effects distribution of goods, etc, etc. I’m just hoping he doesn’t go to school and tell people that his mommy isn’t making money off the sex toys. Because that is paying for his education……well barely anyway.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

all our friends they say to let you go but they don't know you're still breathing

I tried, really I did. However, hubby making dinner, yeah, that’s about over. It’s not because I’m a control freak, it’s not, it’s not, it’s not (ok maybe a little), it’s just that well, he can’t cook. It’s more bad than good and while I’m so super thankful that he wants to help, I just can’t take it anymore. I knew the end was near when I found myself explaining why you couldn’t cook chicken, shred it up and use it in Hamburger Helper. He just kept saying ‘but it says you can use turkey’ and I kept answering, ‘yes, ground turkey’ and it just went back and forth like that for awhile. He gets points for trying though.

My dad and one of my brothers drove down Saturday night to see me get baptized on Sunday morning. They could only stay until Sunday afternoon so it was a short visit but it was so nice to see them. Yes, I know most people handle the baptism thing when they’re younger, but I’m a slow bloomer like that. Made my dad proud as hell though which hopefully makes up for me arriving home in the short pirate skirt and patent leather knee high boots (I was at a costume party when he got here, I promise).

I’m apprehensive as hell about Thanksgiving. My sis and I are cooking together at my dad’s house. There’s no doubt that it’s going to be difficult. On the positive side my family has an amazing sense of humor so I know there will be lots of laughter and memory sharing amidst the tears. My dad has decided to move, so it’s the last time we will be together at mom and dad’s house which adds a bit more sadness to the event. And my mom’s birthday is on the 22nd so as you can see, it’s just a tough month. My church is offering a class/group therapy meeting for individuals who have recently lost someone and are having trouble coping with the holidays. Hubby thinks it might be a good idea if I go and I’m inclined to believe him.

Other than that things are busy here in the Diva household…..busy but good, except the check engine light is on in our “good” car and I have a feeling it’s something ominous….and expensive. In fact I’m pretty sure of it because every time I manage to build up my savings account something comes along and wipes most of it out. Brother (former mechanic) told me to wait it out a bit, he thinks it might be poor fuel or water in the fuel because the light popped on right after I filled up. He knows his stuff so I’m hoping he’s right.

I know everyone has been blogging about the election tomorrow. All I can say is I’ve already voted so for me, the pressure is off. All I ask is please vote. Please.