Since you never realize a good thing until it's gone

So, if you've been reading my twitters then you know I am back at school. Just one class, online. English - critical and argumentative writing. I had registered for this class with the others that I dropped and kept it since it didn't start until now. I figured that things would be easier by now, and they are a bit (if you don't count the hours I spent crying myself to sleep last night). I'm not sure though that I can handle the class. It's eighteen weeks of material done in nine weeks. Two papers a week. Ugh. But, I am glad to be back!

One thing I’m thinking of doing to free up my schedule is stop selling the sex toys. My last party only netted me $60. In the past I was making $100 to $150 a party so you can see that $60 is quite a drop. Between prepping, and time driving, and gas, it’s just hardly worth the hassle any longer.

Beav has been doing his share of adding stress to my life. Had parent teacher conferences last week for the first time at the new school. On the plus side there are no behavioral issues, which is already a huge improvement. However, he is not doing his homework. He’s barely passing most of his classes. He turns in incomplete work or answers such as ?. Seriously, wtf kind of answer is “?”. When I asked him about it, his answer – “I didn’t feel like doing it.” My response, well I don’t feel like paying all this money for tuition if you’re not willing to do your part. I was pretty harsh but I was so angry. I put it very simply. When it comes down to it, I’ll put the money into my tuition not his, because I know I’ll do the work.

I also told him that if he was committed to being a slacker then he should probably stay at his dads after Christmas break because basically I’ve had it. I’ve committed too much time and energy to helping him and if he’s not going to do his part well then I’m done doing mine. He wants another chance. I love him so much but I’m just tired of providing him with all the tools he needs and having him waste his time…..and mine. He’s so bright, but lazy. He has permanently lost his privilege of watching television or playing on the computer during the week. He’s too distracted as it is. I also cut his social activities a lot and last night kept him home from Boy Scouts so he could study for a test. I did agree to let him go to an outing tonight with this youth group. I do believe that it can’t be all work and no play.

My new kickboxing trainer is KICKING my ass!!!! Which is good. After our first session I was sore for four days. I have stopped sparring though for the time being. Right now I’m just too busy on Saturdays. The fight that I was planning to be involved in takes place on November 7th. A couple of weeks after that sparring will pick up again and I’ll start fresh with that group. I’m still in class though and struggling to getting back to five days a week of training.

Last but not least, I hope people weren’t disturbed by my last post, however, this is my blog and I was working something out that had been bouncing around in my head for awhile. All of life is self-discovery, and every day I learn something new about myself..and I’m constantly changing my way of thinking. That’s why I count myself fortunate to have blogging friends who are so different from me. It all helps me to become a more rounded individual and I thank all of you for that.

Hair of the drug that bit him

Before ya'll think I'm just some whiny bitch, well I am, but that's not the point. In my last post I wasn't just complaining about 5 pounds. I have had another 24 pounds to lose. Now I have 29 pounds to lose. So, you can see five pounds is a big deal.

After about three weeks, we have finally sold hubby's truck. It's a huge F250, longbed, crew cab, diesel. We feel good about the buyers and feel we got a fair price for it. However, with Einstein's car needing to be in the shop, we're down to one car, which with our crazy busy lives, just won't work.

I want a used Jeep Wrangler. I've wanted a Jeep Wrangler for as soon as I can remember. It's my dream car. I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. Somehow in the next two days I need to find one I like and buy it. It's a good thing I work well under pressure. The nice thing is we should be able to buy the Jeep and still stick some away. Although with the way the economy is going maybe I should put the money under my mattress.

Now I'm struggling with a title for this post because normally I use a line from whatever song I am listening to but right now I'm watching House.

Oh sweetness, when will you be mine?

I’m so angry………with myself. I have seriously been out of control. I weigh myself every morning. I understand that for some people, that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing to weigh yourself every day if you’re going to obsess to the point of not eating if your weight is up on a particular day. I don’t have that issue, although sometimes I wish I did.

I am up 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but it’s half the weight I lost since I started kickboxing. All the size smaller clothes I bought are tight. I’m so disgusted with myself I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday two out of three meals were FAST FOOD. Up until recently I rarely touched fast food. Now it’s become a staple. What the hell is that about? The other day I ate a big ass cinnamon roll with a soda for breakfast. This is not who I am. This is just disgusting.
I know that part of the problem is I’m depressed because of my mom. As much as I’d like to think I can get up and say ‘ok, enough with that, things have to change,’ I’m not going to stop being upset. Some people have suggested professional counseling. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think what I’m going through is normal, under the circumstances, and I just need to work through it. So, while I can’t control the myriad of emotions that I constantly feel on a daily basis, I can control how I react to it…..can’t I?

This whole eating thing touches on everything else in my life. I feel like shit physically so then I don’t want to work out. I go to bed early because I just am tired and I don’t feel good. I haven’t been having sex and as much as I’d like to blame it on issues with my hubby I strongly suspect that the real issue is how I feel about myself. Because feeling sexy starts on the inside. No matter what you’re size you can be sexy, if you feel sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I feel sexy on the inside when I know I’m taking care of myself and being healthy.

And that’s another thing. This kind of shit is EXACTLY what killed my mother. It’s part of why I’m so angry with her. She could have been healthy. She could have prevented dying at the age of 60. Had she only taken care of herself, she’d be here today. I can’t even go into all of this right now because it will just make me fall apart and I have to get ready for work. But the bottom line is….if I don’t stop…that’s how I will end up.

Maybe getting all of this out of my head will help. God, I hope so.

They say time heals everything but I'm still waiting

Apparently my old job is laying off so probably not a good idea to go back there, ha ha ha.

Here’s a random thought. There are over 1800 hundred songs on my IPOD yet when I have it on shuffle it constantly play Christina Aguilera. Very frustrating.

I gave up on the debate tonight. Yes, I understand McCain was in the war and has been to Iraq and Obama wants to give a tax break to 95% of Americans, I get it. I’m just tired of hearing and am anxious to see things HAPPEN.

Had another sex toy party this weekend. It went pretty well, bunch of crazy fun ladies. One order appears to be a cancellation since one attendee conveniently “forgot” her checkbook and I told her I needed payment by today and …..no payment…..and no return phone call. Sigh, if it’s not one thing it’s another. At least I made a few bucks.

Other than that, it’s been a quiet week here in the diva household. Einstein was in a car accident, he is fine, his car is not. The other driver’s car had no damage and he was kind enough to decline turning it in to insurance unless we wanted to. The insurance company told us the best we could hope for was 50% fault, which wouldn’t benefit us at all because we only have liability on his car and his rates would go up. Lucky for us Einstein has a good friend whose dad owns a body shop, so that will be my fun filled upcoming weekend. I’m glad he’s ok but I’m a bit worried that he doesn’t understand how he could have avoided the accident. This does not fill me with confidence.

Beav has been having issues at school…again. At least they’re not behavioral issues, rather academic ones. It’s just annoying because they could easily be avoided if he weren’t…well….a lazy ass.

I can’t believe I have nothing to blog about. Is my life that boring?

Apparently so.