It's A Wonderful Life...Isn't It?

I seriously underestimated how difficult Christmas would be. Thanksgiving was tough, but easier because I was with my family. Knowing my sister, brothers, and my dad will all be together while I'm here, well, it sucks. I was hoping going to the Christmas Eve service would help but I ended up crying during the whole thing. This has just been a sucky week and felt like it was seven days instead of just three. Part of my biggest issue with grief has been my inability to control my emotions. It's as if I'm on hyperdrive. A consequence of this is that I constantly second guess everything I feel and do. If something upsets or angers me, am I legitimately upset or angry, or am I overreacting? I go through this process with EVERYTHING and its excruciating.

A secondary effect of this condition is that I tend to excuse the bad behavior of other’s. If someone mistreats me, is rude, etc, I tend to make excuses for them. Because, maybe I’m just being super sensitive. Or maybe they’re having a rough day. OR MAYBE THEY’RE JUST BEING AN ASS.

That’s what I really need to realize.

I’ve been doing this with some of the girls I work with. I’ve tried hard, maybe too hard, to be friendly, part of the gang, etc. It’s not working. My boss came out of her office the other day and announces to me that we (the billing dept) need to do a better job of collecting copays. We need to make sure that we’re doing a better job of telling the girls up front which patients on the schedule have a copay. So I mention that ever day I do indeed mark copays on the schedule up front. The same schedule that the girls at the front desk have to check every time a patient signs in. So then my office mate says that perhaps we should make a point to check up front for the patients so that we can collect the copay. I tell her that is seriously f’d up. How can we do our job and get up, leave our office, and check to see if the patient is here? It’s just as easy for the girls at the front desk to check off the patient and let us know. Of course the reasonable expectation would be that the girls at the front desk would actually ask for the copay, but they seem to have some aversion to that.

Anyway, the next day I received the silent treatment from half the girls in the office. It felt like I was in high school and seriously pissed me off. This would be the same day I brought in my Christmas gifts for the office staff. They couldn’t break their silent treatment to say thanks.

On the flip side is my overreaction to things. I tried to make what I thought was a joke to a friend and she sent me an email letting me know she didn’t appreciate. I immediately responded with an apology and then literally spent the rest of the day agonizing over what I had done. Which is ridiculous. I made a joke, there was certainly no ill will intended and she didn’t like it. Why am I beating myself up about it. She let me know how she felt, I respect that. We’re friends, best friends, and this really isn’t the end of the world. But for me, it’s like picking at a hangnail. I just can’t relax and let things go.

I just can’t keep putting myself through this. It’s exhausting and stressful. I just keep thinking things will get easier, but it doesn’t. Maybe I should just accept this and learn to deal with it.

In other news I think a skunk has set up residence under my house, more specifically under my bedroom.

Sigh.

Interview by SarahinMI

One of my twitter friends posted an interview on her blog, The Mom Chronicles. After answering her questions she asked if there were any readers interested in being interviewed. I thought, ‘what the heck, why not’, if anything it will get me to post. So I left her a comment and about thirty seconds later she left me these questions.

1. I love that you take kickboxing because it seems like an awesome work out and stress relief all mixed in one. What made you choose kickboxing? Actually it was my friends Kitten that suggested it. There is a local studio that she wanted to check out so we went in and found out the first class was free. We figured that it would be worth a shot. At our first class, a beginner class, the first thing our instructor said was “if you feel like you’re going to throw up, the bathrooms are there and here.” I came home exhausted and exhilarated. It was the best workout I have ever experienced. If anyone had told me a year ago I could do pushups without collapsing, I would have never believed them.

2. It's been a hard year for you, and I'm sad that you're sad. What is your favorite memory of your mom? I have lots of great memories but it was easy to pick my favorite. When I was in high school I tried out for the drill team, ok it was tall flags, I can’t lie. Anyway, for some reason this news really excited my mom and she actually made me an outfit for try outs. It had been years since my mother had sewed and she made me this adorable short outfit in my school colors which were black and orange. Believe it or not I didn’t look like Tony the Tiger, it was really cute. Unfortunately, I got the date wrong and I came home from tryouts to find the outfit lying on my bed ready for the next day. I never told my mom that tryouts were a day earlier than I thought and to my knowledge she never knew I didn’t try out in the outfit she made me. I did make the team and my mother made a HUGE sign and posted it on our garage door. It was the closest she ever came to telling me she was proud of me.

3. So you hate when your iPod gets stuck on Christina Aguilera (believe me, I WOULD TOO!) - and you love some booty music. You have to create a playlist to take with you to a deserted island for a week of being CHILL and doing NOTHING - what is on that playlist. I don’t know how to CHILL and do nothing, but I’ll give it a shot. I have really varied taste in music. The Best Day by Taylor Swift
Anything by Amos Lee
Boys of Summer by Don Henley
Celebrity by Brad Paisley
Cocoon by Jack Johnson
Crash by Dave Matthews
Every Light in the House by Trace Adkins
Far Away by Nickelback
Father Figure by George Michael
Fingernail Moon by Annie Lennox
The Garden by Mirah
Godspeed by Dixie Chicks
Good Enough By Evanescence
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
I’m Movin On by Rascal Flatts
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance
Imagine by Jack Johnson
Karma by Alicia Keys
Kerosene by Miranda Lambert
Legend of a Cowgirl by Imani Coppola
Life is Beautiful by Vega4
Love Story by Taylor Swift
Mercy by Duffy
2 x 4 by Metallica
Pancho and Lefty by Willie Nelson
Red Light Special by TLC
She’s A Beauty by the Tubes
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney
Shut Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
Wish you Were Here by Mark Harris
Womanizer by Britney Spears
You Had Me From Hello by Kenny Chesney
Burn by Usher

4. The sex toy business is best when the women are horny and cash-laden. What is the most popular thing you sell? How did you get into that business? I can be pretty blunt around strangers but a bit shy around people I know - do you find that it matters when you're hosting a home party? The most popular item I sell is the Silver Bullet. It’s a great little toy guaranteed to take any woman from zero to 60 in no time flat plus it’s a great beginner toy to use with your partner. I do prefer to do parties for strangers. They ask a LOT of personal questions and I don’t think that people that know me really want to know that much about my personal life.

5. I know you best through Twitter these days - who are your favorite people to follow? Is there a particular kind of Twitter-er you follow or is it random? Of course, SarahinMI is one of my favorites. It’s pretty random, but I like to follow witty and funny people in the hope it will rub off on me. Some of my favorites in no particular order are Jplesko, myfuckingeye, yeahimadork, to name a few. I also like to follow people who live here in Long Beach.

Hey folks: Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

was tagged by nannermommy, so here goes.
1. Open the 4th picture folder on your computer.

2 Open the 4th picture and post it on your blog.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

This is my cat Edward. I'm not sure when it was taken, sometime during the past year. I adopted Edward about ten years ago. I adopted him as an adult and I have no idea how old he is. I know he's getting old because he limps a lot and doesn't like to jump up high anymore. I worry that he will leave me soon. I tag The Mom Chronicles, Miss Pea, and Jennifer Plesko.

Thursday Ten

1. Taking a week of off kickboxing kicks my ass. I’ve only gone twice this week and tomorrow I have my session with my trainer. I have a feeling that I won’t be able to walk afterwards. However, as I see the scale go lower, it’s all worth it.

2. I really don’t know what to do about work. I’m afraid to make any big decisions because I understand that emotionally, I’m not all there. So part of me isn’t sure that I’m unhappy because of all the other circumstances or am I unhappy because things at work really suck.

3. I’ve been working on a list of pros and cons. That’s normally how I make a lot of decisions.

4. Pros – flexibility, if I need to leave early, come in late, it’s not that big of a deal. I can work part time so I can go to school. It’s close to home, no long commute.

5. Cons – everytime someone in the office doesn’t want to deal with something, it gets pushed onto to me. Everyone seems nice but they really talk shit about everybody behind their backs. I can only imagine what they say about me. The office isn’t conducted in as professional a manner as I would like.

6. The biggest (possible) con is that I’m unhappy. But am I unhappy because of work or because of the other stuff or is it a little bit of both?

7. Can you tell that I totally OVERTHINK things? Ugh, it’s a horrible trait. I do it during kickboxing too, and that’s a bad trait to have when someone is wearing boxing gloves and is looking forward to punching you.

8. The hardest part of all of this is not being able to get a handle on my emotional state. Normally when things are tough I can talk myself into a positive state of mind. I normally NEVER waste time feeling sorry for myself. In fact every morning I get up and think to myself that ‘today will be a better day’ which lasts for about two hours.

9. But heck, at least I keep trying.

10. This weekend is the Belmont Shore Christmas Parade. I hate to deal with all the people and the crowds but Einstein is in it and what kind of mom would be if I stayed home? Other than that, it should be a quiet weekend. I hope to finish the rest of my Christmas shopping because this is the LAST quiet weekend I have before Christmas.