Alone in the Ring

To answer a question left after my previous posting, yes, I do have someone to talk to. I've been seeing a therapist for a little over a year now. At first to deal with a lot of issues after my mom died, but naturally it's evolved into what I'm going through now.

When I left my last appointment my therapist pointed out that I had three options. None of these options included the one I wanted to hear which was 'go back to pretending like everything was perfect.' None of the three options are ones that I can easily live with. So right now I'm in limbo. I hate limbo. I like to have a plan. I like to problem solve.

But I can't solve this.

The worst part is that my level of self-esteem has completely plummeted. Before, when I was stressed out I could take it to the dojo. Work out my grief, my sorrow, my anger, on a heavy bag or in sparring. But now, I have no confidence in the ring. I argue with myself just to get the desire to spar. I discussed this with my trainer today, which was difficult, because even though I'm the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve I have a difficult time sharing my feelings. And this situation, brings me shame and I don't want anyone's pity. He's understanding of the situation and encouraging, which I do appreciate.

I've just turned into this weepy girly person that I hate. And I don't know how to shake it. It's driving me nuts.

Plus I'm sick. I've had some stress (duh) and it's positioned itself right between my shoulder blades. Every morning for the last couple of weeks when I've gotten up in the morning, it's been unbelievably tight and painful. Last Friday my trainer worked out some of the kinks, which I believe released some toxins. By Friday night I was starting to feel sick and by Saturday morning I had the worst head cold. Sunday I had a massage scheduled to work out the rest of the kink so I then spent part of Sunday night very ill (I'll leave out the details) and now I feel worse. It was a necessary evil, but worth it because even though I'm all congested, my shoulder blades feel better.