Tuesday, July 28, 2009

"Life is too short"

"Life is to short." - an easy solution for everything? Someone said that to me tonight as a justification for me to accept the situation with my dad. It really pissed me off.

First - this person is someone I admire and respect a lot. I don't doubt that he cares about my feelings, but, I didn't ask for his opinion.

I'm not a stupid person. I'm not without feelings. I'm not heartless or cold. In fact a majority of the time I put my feelings on the back burner. A lot of the time I "take one for the team."

I'm not going to spend the rest of my days refusing to acknowledge that my father has someone in his life. I fully understand that I have to come to terms with it. However, I also fully understand that I have my own issues right now. I am experiencing a lot of pain and it really sucks. I would love nothing more than to stop feeling the way I do. BUT, a big reason that I am having such a hard time is because I spent five months shoving all these feelings down. That didn't work out so well for me. So, like it or not I have no choice but to deal with it now.

So, let me deal with it. Let me work through this. I think I'm doing a good job. I have professional help. I talk about my feelings, I've come a long way. Right now I have the choice to not deal with my dad's new life. I choose to deal with that when I'm ready. On my terms - not someone elses. Yes, I know life is too short, trust me I've learned that lesson well. I just don't see it as an excuse to avoid my own issues just because I might not have a chance later on. That's a risk I have to take.

I can't start a new chapter without finishing the one I'm in. I haven't been able to say goodbye. I didn't say goodbye at the funeral. I didn't say goodbye at the gravesite. I haven't said goodbye. And until I do whatever is going on with my dad will have to wait.

I don't spend every waking moment thinking about my mom being gone. In fact several times a day, several times a week, I find myself wanting to share things with her only to remember that I can't pick up the phone and call her. I like it like that.

For me, saying goodbye means she's really gone. It means that I've accepted that my mom is really gone. And as crazy and illogical as it sounds I just can't do that. I know I have to. The anniversary looms ahead and I know that it's time to say goodbye. I know it's time to start the new chapter.

I've spent forty years having a mom around. Accepting otherwise, it's unbelievably painful. The reality is people die everyday...and people move on. I know I will move on. I just wish people would let me do that on my terms.

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