Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why my 13 year old owes me five grand
Mentally I've started this post quite a few times over the past few days. Ever feel like you're on a speeding train and can't get it to slow down? That's how I feel. So many things I need/want to get done and I either run out of time to do it or just lack the motivation. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and I can't make it stop.
So frustrating.
During the past few weeks we've been having issues with Beaver. He does his homework but doesn't turn it in. He doesn't do his homework. He forgets to bring home things that we need to see or sign. Then when questioned he's dishonest about it. I really thought I had just reached the end of the line in terms of my patience. It just seemed that my baby boy had disappeared and I wasn't too fond of the person that took his place.
I have considered several times over the past several months that maybe Beav should live with his dad. The constant need to constantly check on him is overwhelming and dealing with my mom's death has just left me with nothing. However, after several conversations with my ex, having Beav with him full time just isn't an option. He believes that Beav does all this on purpose and his answer is he needs more meds.
Thursday night was the open house for Beav's school. After visiting all of his classes, picking up his progress reports, all with D's, one less than 2 percent away from an F, I went to the car and just started to sob. My son was almost flunking the seventh grade. I was so upset, disappointed, angry at myself and at Beav. I didn't want to be the mom of "that kid." Just saying that out loud to my hubby made me feel even worse and then I cried because I felt like such a horrible mother.
When we got home we talked to Beav in depth and over the next twelve hours found out that he had been dishonest with us several times over the past few days. Everything else I can deal with but the lying, it was just too much and I was brutally honest with Beav about it. It was as if I was looking at this boy that I didn't know any more.
Hubby took over a bit and contacted the school the next day. Beav isn't going to flunk, but he has to keep his nose very clean for the next week. The nice thing about him being in private school is that the teachers are really compassionate and understanding. The negative thing is that all I could think about is that I've paid over $5000 for my son to earn D's.
This kid is not stupid. He's super bright. He tried to tell me that he was doing poorly because school was too hard. His progress reports show different. When he does his work AND turns it in...when he studies for a test...A's. When he doesn't turn in his homework...F's. His grades are either F's or A's. No middle ground.
So...I decided that perhaps Beav needed to understand all this and explained that he owed me $5400. I started a tally on a spreadsheet and on Saturday he began working it off. I took him to my office and he did a couple of hours there and then I brought home some work and he spent the rest of Saturday doing that.
I could tell he was frustrated and we had a very candid talk in which I explained a few things:
1. I hate punishing him, but dishonesty deserves punishment
2. When you constantly lie to someone that loves and care about you, you can do irreparable damage to that relationship.
3. Without trust, it's hard to feel close to someone you love.
He pretty much started sobbing and I think (hope) that perhaps he understood how damaging dishonesty can be. We had the same conversation last night and he told me that he felt physical pain at the hurt he had caused.
I'm not going to make him work off $5400, but he'll be working off a couple of hundred, at least. I did let him watch TV, but only today and with Einstein and myself as a family activity.
Hubby is out of town and I'll be dealing with all of this by myself until he returns next weekend. I'm FAIRLY sure I can deal with it.
I just want my baby back.
So frustrating.
During the past few weeks we've been having issues with Beaver. He does his homework but doesn't turn it in. He doesn't do his homework. He forgets to bring home things that we need to see or sign. Then when questioned he's dishonest about it. I really thought I had just reached the end of the line in terms of my patience. It just seemed that my baby boy had disappeared and I wasn't too fond of the person that took his place.
I have considered several times over the past several months that maybe Beav should live with his dad. The constant need to constantly check on him is overwhelming and dealing with my mom's death has just left me with nothing. However, after several conversations with my ex, having Beav with him full time just isn't an option. He believes that Beav does all this on purpose and his answer is he needs more meds.
Thursday night was the open house for Beav's school. After visiting all of his classes, picking up his progress reports, all with D's, one less than 2 percent away from an F, I went to the car and just started to sob. My son was almost flunking the seventh grade. I was so upset, disappointed, angry at myself and at Beav. I didn't want to be the mom of "that kid." Just saying that out loud to my hubby made me feel even worse and then I cried because I felt like such a horrible mother.
When we got home we talked to Beav in depth and over the next twelve hours found out that he had been dishonest with us several times over the past few days. Everything else I can deal with but the lying, it was just too much and I was brutally honest with Beav about it. It was as if I was looking at this boy that I didn't know any more.
Hubby took over a bit and contacted the school the next day. Beav isn't going to flunk, but he has to keep his nose very clean for the next week. The nice thing about him being in private school is that the teachers are really compassionate and understanding. The negative thing is that all I could think about is that I've paid over $5000 for my son to earn D's.
This kid is not stupid. He's super bright. He tried to tell me that he was doing poorly because school was too hard. His progress reports show different. When he does his work AND turns it in...when he studies for a test...A's. When he doesn't turn in his homework...F's. His grades are either F's or A's. No middle ground.
So...I decided that perhaps Beav needed to understand all this and explained that he owed me $5400. I started a tally on a spreadsheet and on Saturday he began working it off. I took him to my office and he did a couple of hours there and then I brought home some work and he spent the rest of Saturday doing that.
I could tell he was frustrated and we had a very candid talk in which I explained a few things:
1. I hate punishing him, but dishonesty deserves punishment
2. When you constantly lie to someone that loves and care about you, you can do irreparable damage to that relationship.
3. Without trust, it's hard to feel close to someone you love.
He pretty much started sobbing and I think (hope) that perhaps he understood how damaging dishonesty can be. We had the same conversation last night and he told me that he felt physical pain at the hurt he had caused.
I'm not going to make him work off $5400, but he'll be working off a couple of hundred, at least. I did let him watch TV, but only today and with Einstein and myself as a family activity.
Hubby is out of town and I'll be dealing with all of this by myself until he returns next weekend. I'm FAIRLY sure I can deal with it.
I just want my baby back.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Some times you have to drive two hours to talk
If you've been paying attention to my tweets then you know that hubby and I have been out of town since Wednesday. We traveled to Santa Barbara for the C@ Ortho Assn annual meeting. My boss and one of our doctors also attended the meeting. We got there early afternoon on Wednesday and headed downtown to do some window shopping and grab some dinner. Well, it started out as window shopping but perhaps there was real shopping too.
Hubby and I ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant at the recommendation of a local shop owner. We started talking about some issues that have come up between us and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.
We normally communicate very well but there were a couple of things that we hadn't been able to get around and somehow being out of town and relaxed gave us the ability to do that. Even though I was there for work, being away from home and the office allowed me to really relax in a way that hasn't occurred in a long time.
The remainder of the trip continued along the same theme. We were both really relaxed, happy, and seriously enjoyed each other's company. We've realized that perhaps getting away for a weekend every other month or so is required for the health of our relationship.
This trip was a bit more elaborate than most since my boss was footing the bill for our hotel and part of our meals. However, I think getting away for two nights isn't too difficult to do.
We enjoyed some really great meals and yesterday spent the afternoon wine tasting. Went to one tasting room and two wineries. One winery is becoming a favorite, Zaca Mesa. Great wines, I even like some of their whites, which is saying a lot!!!! I enjoyed their wines so much I joined their wine club. I haven't been in a wine club for years.
We also stopped in Solvang. It was a place that my mom really enjoyed visiting and I felt the need to go. Walked around a bit, poked through some shops and enjoyed some ice cream. A lot of storefronts are closed which is sad. I remember when Solvang was packed with stores and tourists.
Santa Barbara was beautiful. We did see a lot of the devastation from the fire which was sad. Lots of firefighters were still in town. They really did an amazing job of saving some homes. You could see many houses where the fire had gone right up to the edge. Having lived in a high danger area for fires myself I know that it's a risk you take for living in a beautiful area.
This post is all over the place but I'm tired and not anxious to get back to work tomorrow. Not to mention our sink is plugged and we have to have a plumber come tomorrow.
Back to real life.
Hubby and I ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant at the recommendation of a local shop owner. We started talking about some issues that have come up between us and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.
We normally communicate very well but there were a couple of things that we hadn't been able to get around and somehow being out of town and relaxed gave us the ability to do that. Even though I was there for work, being away from home and the office allowed me to really relax in a way that hasn't occurred in a long time.
The remainder of the trip continued along the same theme. We were both really relaxed, happy, and seriously enjoyed each other's company. We've realized that perhaps getting away for a weekend every other month or so is required for the health of our relationship.
This trip was a bit more elaborate than most since my boss was footing the bill for our hotel and part of our meals. However, I think getting away for two nights isn't too difficult to do.
We enjoyed some really great meals and yesterday spent the afternoon wine tasting. Went to one tasting room and two wineries. One winery is becoming a favorite, Zaca Mesa. Great wines, I even like some of their whites, which is saying a lot!!!! I enjoyed their wines so much I joined their wine club. I haven't been in a wine club for years.
We also stopped in Solvang. It was a place that my mom really enjoyed visiting and I felt the need to go. Walked around a bit, poked through some shops and enjoyed some ice cream. A lot of storefronts are closed which is sad. I remember when Solvang was packed with stores and tourists.
Santa Barbara was beautiful. We did see a lot of the devastation from the fire which was sad. Lots of firefighters were still in town. They really did an amazing job of saving some homes. You could see many houses where the fire had gone right up to the edge. Having lived in a high danger area for fires myself I know that it's a risk you take for living in a beautiful area.
This post is all over the place but I'm tired and not anxious to get back to work tomorrow. Not to mention our sink is plugged and we have to have a plumber come tomorrow.
Back to real life.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Apparently I'm now an orphan
I survived Mother's Day week.
I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.
It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."
WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.
I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???
Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.
I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.
Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.
I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.
It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.
I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.
It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."
WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.
I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???
Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.
I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.
Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.
I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.
It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Why I sleep on the bathroom floor
I'm alive...barely.
Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.
My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.
It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.
The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.
Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.
The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.
I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.
I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.
In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.
Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.
My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.
It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.
The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.
Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.
The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.
I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.
I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.
In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.
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