Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why my 13 year old owes me five grand
Mentally I've started this post quite a few times over the past few days. Ever feel like you're on a speeding train and can't get it to slow down? That's how I feel. So many things I need/want to get done and I either run out of time to do it or just lack the motivation. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and I can't make it stop.
So frustrating.
During the past few weeks we've been having issues with Beaver. He does his homework but doesn't turn it in. He doesn't do his homework. He forgets to bring home things that we need to see or sign. Then when questioned he's dishonest about it. I really thought I had just reached the end of the line in terms of my patience. It just seemed that my baby boy had disappeared and I wasn't too fond of the person that took his place.
I have considered several times over the past several months that maybe Beav should live with his dad. The constant need to constantly check on him is overwhelming and dealing with my mom's death has just left me with nothing. However, after several conversations with my ex, having Beav with him full time just isn't an option. He believes that Beav does all this on purpose and his answer is he needs more meds.
Thursday night was the open house for Beav's school. After visiting all of his classes, picking up his progress reports, all with D's, one less than 2 percent away from an F, I went to the car and just started to sob. My son was almost flunking the seventh grade. I was so upset, disappointed, angry at myself and at Beav. I didn't want to be the mom of "that kid." Just saying that out loud to my hubby made me feel even worse and then I cried because I felt like such a horrible mother.
When we got home we talked to Beav in depth and over the next twelve hours found out that he had been dishonest with us several times over the past few days. Everything else I can deal with but the lying, it was just too much and I was brutally honest with Beav about it. It was as if I was looking at this boy that I didn't know any more.
Hubby took over a bit and contacted the school the next day. Beav isn't going to flunk, but he has to keep his nose very clean for the next week. The nice thing about him being in private school is that the teachers are really compassionate and understanding. The negative thing is that all I could think about is that I've paid over $5000 for my son to earn D's.
This kid is not stupid. He's super bright. He tried to tell me that he was doing poorly because school was too hard. His progress reports show different. When he does his work AND turns it in...when he studies for a test...A's. When he doesn't turn in his homework...F's. His grades are either F's or A's. No middle ground.
So...I decided that perhaps Beav needed to understand all this and explained that he owed me $5400. I started a tally on a spreadsheet and on Saturday he began working it off. I took him to my office and he did a couple of hours there and then I brought home some work and he spent the rest of Saturday doing that.
I could tell he was frustrated and we had a very candid talk in which I explained a few things:
1. I hate punishing him, but dishonesty deserves punishment
2. When you constantly lie to someone that loves and care about you, you can do irreparable damage to that relationship.
3. Without trust, it's hard to feel close to someone you love.
He pretty much started sobbing and I think (hope) that perhaps he understood how damaging dishonesty can be. We had the same conversation last night and he told me that he felt physical pain at the hurt he had caused.
I'm not going to make him work off $5400, but he'll be working off a couple of hundred, at least. I did let him watch TV, but only today and with Einstein and myself as a family activity.
Hubby is out of town and I'll be dealing with all of this by myself until he returns next weekend. I'm FAIRLY sure I can deal with it.
I just want my baby back.
So frustrating.
During the past few weeks we've been having issues with Beaver. He does his homework but doesn't turn it in. He doesn't do his homework. He forgets to bring home things that we need to see or sign. Then when questioned he's dishonest about it. I really thought I had just reached the end of the line in terms of my patience. It just seemed that my baby boy had disappeared and I wasn't too fond of the person that took his place.
I have considered several times over the past several months that maybe Beav should live with his dad. The constant need to constantly check on him is overwhelming and dealing with my mom's death has just left me with nothing. However, after several conversations with my ex, having Beav with him full time just isn't an option. He believes that Beav does all this on purpose and his answer is he needs more meds.
Thursday night was the open house for Beav's school. After visiting all of his classes, picking up his progress reports, all with D's, one less than 2 percent away from an F, I went to the car and just started to sob. My son was almost flunking the seventh grade. I was so upset, disappointed, angry at myself and at Beav. I didn't want to be the mom of "that kid." Just saying that out loud to my hubby made me feel even worse and then I cried because I felt like such a horrible mother.
When we got home we talked to Beav in depth and over the next twelve hours found out that he had been dishonest with us several times over the past few days. Everything else I can deal with but the lying, it was just too much and I was brutally honest with Beav about it. It was as if I was looking at this boy that I didn't know any more.
Hubby took over a bit and contacted the school the next day. Beav isn't going to flunk, but he has to keep his nose very clean for the next week. The nice thing about him being in private school is that the teachers are really compassionate and understanding. The negative thing is that all I could think about is that I've paid over $5000 for my son to earn D's.
This kid is not stupid. He's super bright. He tried to tell me that he was doing poorly because school was too hard. His progress reports show different. When he does his work AND turns it in...when he studies for a test...A's. When he doesn't turn in his homework...F's. His grades are either F's or A's. No middle ground.
So...I decided that perhaps Beav needed to understand all this and explained that he owed me $5400. I started a tally on a spreadsheet and on Saturday he began working it off. I took him to my office and he did a couple of hours there and then I brought home some work and he spent the rest of Saturday doing that.
I could tell he was frustrated and we had a very candid talk in which I explained a few things:
1. I hate punishing him, but dishonesty deserves punishment
2. When you constantly lie to someone that loves and care about you, you can do irreparable damage to that relationship.
3. Without trust, it's hard to feel close to someone you love.
He pretty much started sobbing and I think (hope) that perhaps he understood how damaging dishonesty can be. We had the same conversation last night and he told me that he felt physical pain at the hurt he had caused.
I'm not going to make him work off $5400, but he'll be working off a couple of hundred, at least. I did let him watch TV, but only today and with Einstein and myself as a family activity.
Hubby is out of town and I'll be dealing with all of this by myself until he returns next weekend. I'm FAIRLY sure I can deal with it.
I just want my baby back.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Some times you have to drive two hours to talk
If you've been paying attention to my tweets then you know that hubby and I have been out of town since Wednesday. We traveled to Santa Barbara for the C@ Ortho Assn annual meeting. My boss and one of our doctors also attended the meeting. We got there early afternoon on Wednesday and headed downtown to do some window shopping and grab some dinner. Well, it started out as window shopping but perhaps there was real shopping too.
Hubby and I ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant at the recommendation of a local shop owner. We started talking about some issues that have come up between us and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.
We normally communicate very well but there were a couple of things that we hadn't been able to get around and somehow being out of town and relaxed gave us the ability to do that. Even though I was there for work, being away from home and the office allowed me to really relax in a way that hasn't occurred in a long time.
The remainder of the trip continued along the same theme. We were both really relaxed, happy, and seriously enjoyed each other's company. We've realized that perhaps getting away for a weekend every other month or so is required for the health of our relationship.
This trip was a bit more elaborate than most since my boss was footing the bill for our hotel and part of our meals. However, I think getting away for two nights isn't too difficult to do.
We enjoyed some really great meals and yesterday spent the afternoon wine tasting. Went to one tasting room and two wineries. One winery is becoming a favorite, Zaca Mesa. Great wines, I even like some of their whites, which is saying a lot!!!! I enjoyed their wines so much I joined their wine club. I haven't been in a wine club for years.
We also stopped in Solvang. It was a place that my mom really enjoyed visiting and I felt the need to go. Walked around a bit, poked through some shops and enjoyed some ice cream. A lot of storefronts are closed which is sad. I remember when Solvang was packed with stores and tourists.
Santa Barbara was beautiful. We did see a lot of the devastation from the fire which was sad. Lots of firefighters were still in town. They really did an amazing job of saving some homes. You could see many houses where the fire had gone right up to the edge. Having lived in a high danger area for fires myself I know that it's a risk you take for living in a beautiful area.
This post is all over the place but I'm tired and not anxious to get back to work tomorrow. Not to mention our sink is plugged and we have to have a plumber come tomorrow.
Back to real life.
Hubby and I ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant at the recommendation of a local shop owner. We started talking about some issues that have come up between us and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.
We normally communicate very well but there were a couple of things that we hadn't been able to get around and somehow being out of town and relaxed gave us the ability to do that. Even though I was there for work, being away from home and the office allowed me to really relax in a way that hasn't occurred in a long time.
The remainder of the trip continued along the same theme. We were both really relaxed, happy, and seriously enjoyed each other's company. We've realized that perhaps getting away for a weekend every other month or so is required for the health of our relationship.
This trip was a bit more elaborate than most since my boss was footing the bill for our hotel and part of our meals. However, I think getting away for two nights isn't too difficult to do.
We enjoyed some really great meals and yesterday spent the afternoon wine tasting. Went to one tasting room and two wineries. One winery is becoming a favorite, Zaca Mesa. Great wines, I even like some of their whites, which is saying a lot!!!! I enjoyed their wines so much I joined their wine club. I haven't been in a wine club for years.
We also stopped in Solvang. It was a place that my mom really enjoyed visiting and I felt the need to go. Walked around a bit, poked through some shops and enjoyed some ice cream. A lot of storefronts are closed which is sad. I remember when Solvang was packed with stores and tourists.
Santa Barbara was beautiful. We did see a lot of the devastation from the fire which was sad. Lots of firefighters were still in town. They really did an amazing job of saving some homes. You could see many houses where the fire had gone right up to the edge. Having lived in a high danger area for fires myself I know that it's a risk you take for living in a beautiful area.
This post is all over the place but I'm tired and not anxious to get back to work tomorrow. Not to mention our sink is plugged and we have to have a plumber come tomorrow.
Back to real life.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Apparently I'm now an orphan
I survived Mother's Day week.
I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.
It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."
WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.
I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???
Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.
I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.
Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.
I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.
It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.
I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.
It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."
WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.
I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???
Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.
I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.
Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.
I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.
It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.
Friday, May 01, 2009
Why I sleep on the bathroom floor
I'm alive...barely.
Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.
My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.
It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.
The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.
Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.
The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.
I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.
I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.
In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.
Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.
My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.
It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.
The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.
Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.
The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.
I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.
I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.
In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Surviving
Grief sucks. There is no way around it. I forget how holidays really tend to screw me up and yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.
To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.
He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.
And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.
This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.
Grief sucks.
I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.
In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.
Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.
So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.
I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.
To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.
He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.
And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.
This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.
Grief sucks.
I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.
In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.
Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.
So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Thursday Ten - Work and Psychotherapy Edition
I thought instead of trying to catch up on everything happening I would just summarize in a Thursday Ten.
1. Out of the last twenty-six days I have worked twenty-four of them. This is not a good thing. Especially since I'm now salary and when I sat down and figured it out I am making less now than I was when I was just a regular office staffer. Yesterday when I had my psych appointment the psychologist put her foot down about me putting my foot down. So, today I sat down and worked out a work schedule that still has me working a lot, but a bit more realistic because in her words "I need a life."
2. One of the casualties of more work is less working out. This is starting to freak me out because I have a fight coming up five weeks from Saturday. My trainer keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine but ACK, I am freaking out!!
3. In my desire to "get a life" I have started my own local wine club. It's something that I've been thinking about and one of my girlfriends told me to basically just do it, so I did. Check out the D'Vine Divas here.
4. Speaking of the psychologist my father has not managed to drive me crazy in the last few days. He took his "new" family to Knotts Berry Farm last Friday, that was fun to explain to my kids. They were all like why hasn't grandpa ever taken us to Knotts Berry Farm? How do you answer that?
5. As if my kids haven't had enough to deal with my son's step-mother's mother, basically their step-grandma, just died the other day of brain cancer. Einstein is as stoic as ever. Beav, on the other hand, is a bit of a wreck. This is the third death they've had to deal with since July. That's just nuts.
6. One of my employees asked me today if she could get her nose pierced and I said sure. It seemed hypocritical of me to say no since mine is pierced. Hope the doctor's don't mind. But they did make me the boss.
7. Speaking of doctors, one of the ones I work for began behaving like a total ass and screamed at me on the phone yesterday. Unfortunately my husband was in my office when this occurred and he was none too happy. I believe he mentioned words such as "chicken shit."
8. Tomorrow night I plan to go to my first Long Beach tweet up. I'm kinda excited although I can't stay out very late because I train on Saturday morning.
9. Saturday night I'm going here with one of my girlfriends. I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since the night my mom died. There is a lot less of me now so it will be interesting to see how people respond.
10. The best thing about the upcoming weekend - I am not working!
1. Out of the last twenty-six days I have worked twenty-four of them. This is not a good thing. Especially since I'm now salary and when I sat down and figured it out I am making less now than I was when I was just a regular office staffer. Yesterday when I had my psych appointment the psychologist put her foot down about me putting my foot down. So, today I sat down and worked out a work schedule that still has me working a lot, but a bit more realistic because in her words "I need a life."
2. One of the casualties of more work is less working out. This is starting to freak me out because I have a fight coming up five weeks from Saturday. My trainer keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine but ACK, I am freaking out!!
3. In my desire to "get a life" I have started my own local wine club. It's something that I've been thinking about and one of my girlfriends told me to basically just do it, so I did. Check out the D'Vine Divas here.
4. Speaking of the psychologist my father has not managed to drive me crazy in the last few days. He took his "new" family to Knotts Berry Farm last Friday, that was fun to explain to my kids. They were all like why hasn't grandpa ever taken us to Knotts Berry Farm? How do you answer that?
5. As if my kids haven't had enough to deal with my son's step-mother's mother, basically their step-grandma, just died the other day of brain cancer. Einstein is as stoic as ever. Beav, on the other hand, is a bit of a wreck. This is the third death they've had to deal with since July. That's just nuts.
6. One of my employees asked me today if she could get her nose pierced and I said sure. It seemed hypocritical of me to say no since mine is pierced. Hope the doctor's don't mind. But they did make me the boss.
7. Speaking of doctors, one of the ones I work for began behaving like a total ass and screamed at me on the phone yesterday. Unfortunately my husband was in my office when this occurred and he was none too happy. I believe he mentioned words such as "chicken shit."
8. Tomorrow night I plan to go to my first Long Beach tweet up. I'm kinda excited although I can't stay out very late because I train on Saturday morning.
9. Saturday night I'm going here with one of my girlfriends. I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since the night my mom died. There is a lot less of me now so it will be interesting to see how people respond.
10. The best thing about the upcoming weekend - I am not working!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Till death do us apart and the tombstone is in place
Work is slowly progressing. The doc and I both know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we're just hoping to see it soon. I am working my ass off, although it's still there, but I feel good about the work I'm doing and I'm glad I could help.
My father has pretty much upset all of his children. My sister warned me that he could be possibly bringing his "girlfriend" to my house when he arrives on Thursday night. I had to call him to give a head's up because I don't want to meet her.
That is my prerogative and my choice. I've talked about it extensively with my psychologist and she's assured me that this is a correct decision for me. I seriously can't put making my father feel better about his choice above my own mental health. I discussed his choices with him today and it became a very heated argument. Now my father has decided to close his business, because "she" feels it's unsafe. Now he has decided he needs to move to Southern California to be closer to her even though most of his family lives up north. And the biggie..he told me that he is waiting to marry "her" out of, and are you ready for this load of shit, respect for me.
I basically told him that he was being disrespectful to the memory of my mother. I also explained that at this point even thinking of him marrying someone else made me literally sick to my stomach and I didn't want to even discuss it.
I swear, I don't know who he is. I reminded him that every grief source I've consulted discourages you from making any major decisions for at least a year. He argued with me saying that everything he's consulted says everyone reacts differently. Yes, that's true I told him and those same people say wait a year before making any major changes.
I'm pretty sure that I'd be hard pressed to find a source that says after your wife of 41 years suddenly dies you should find a girlfriend, that was related to her, quit your job, move away from everyone, and remarry in less than a year.
I'm just saying.
My father has pretty much upset all of his children. My sister warned me that he could be possibly bringing his "girlfriend" to my house when he arrives on Thursday night. I had to call him to give a head's up because I don't want to meet her.
That is my prerogative and my choice. I've talked about it extensively with my psychologist and she's assured me that this is a correct decision for me. I seriously can't put making my father feel better about his choice above my own mental health. I discussed his choices with him today and it became a very heated argument. Now my father has decided to close his business, because "she" feels it's unsafe. Now he has decided he needs to move to Southern California to be closer to her even though most of his family lives up north. And the biggie..he told me that he is waiting to marry "her" out of, and are you ready for this load of shit, respect for me.
I basically told him that he was being disrespectful to the memory of my mother. I also explained that at this point even thinking of him marrying someone else made me literally sick to my stomach and I didn't want to even discuss it.
I swear, I don't know who he is. I reminded him that every grief source I've consulted discourages you from making any major decisions for at least a year. He argued with me saying that everything he's consulted says everyone reacts differently. Yes, that's true I told him and those same people say wait a year before making any major changes.
I'm pretty sure that I'd be hard pressed to find a source that says after your wife of 41 years suddenly dies you should find a girlfriend, that was related to her, quit your job, move away from everyone, and remarry in less than a year.
I'm just saying.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I only complain a little
I worked TWELVE hours today. And I hardly made a dent in what I needed to get done. I brought work home but haven't been able to touch it yet.
As if all the work crap isn't enough I am trying to staff my parent workers for Grand Prix. After doing this it's quite obvious that people do not pay attention to detail. Inevitably half the responses I receive ask me questions that were addressed in my email. So then I have to spend more time answering questions I've already answered. Sometimes, just to be a bitch, I cut and paste from the original email I sent. Just my way of saying, hey dumbass, pay attention.
I'm very grateful that I have a job and I love being busy, even though I'm maxed. BUT, I have mixed emotions about being manager. It's a good skill and a big step up. But medical billing is my first love and I don't want to get too far away from that. There is only so far I can go though in that position.
I'm certainly learning on a trial by fire basis.
Tonight while I was trying to finish up at work my IPOD shuffled up some slower sad songs. The kind of songs that make me melancholy. I often have very poor judgment when it comes to friendships. A lot of people that I don't like right away end up being my very good friend. But then there are those that I think I will be friends with forever and it ends up badly. I've reached a point where I no longer trust my judgment where people are concerned. I really hate feeling like this.
You know what I'd like. I'd like some sort of test. You know, like what they do for drugs or alcohol. "Here, breath in this. Oh, green, that means you'll be loyal to the end."
Obviously I'm tired. I should quit talking now.
As if all the work crap isn't enough I am trying to staff my parent workers for Grand Prix. After doing this it's quite obvious that people do not pay attention to detail. Inevitably half the responses I receive ask me questions that were addressed in my email. So then I have to spend more time answering questions I've already answered. Sometimes, just to be a bitch, I cut and paste from the original email I sent. Just my way of saying, hey dumbass, pay attention.
I'm very grateful that I have a job and I love being busy, even though I'm maxed. BUT, I have mixed emotions about being manager. It's a good skill and a big step up. But medical billing is my first love and I don't want to get too far away from that. There is only so far I can go though in that position.
I'm certainly learning on a trial by fire basis.
Tonight while I was trying to finish up at work my IPOD shuffled up some slower sad songs. The kind of songs that make me melancholy. I often have very poor judgment when it comes to friendships. A lot of people that I don't like right away end up being my very good friend. But then there are those that I think I will be friends with forever and it ends up badly. I've reached a point where I no longer trust my judgment where people are concerned. I really hate feeling like this.
You know what I'd like. I'd like some sort of test. You know, like what they do for drugs or alcohol. "Here, breath in this. Oh, green, that means you'll be loyal to the end."
Obviously I'm tired. I should quit talking now.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Apparently now I'm a crook
I'm settling into the new job, SLOWLY. It's been a wild ride. Today I did payroll for the first time. I don't think I mucked it up too bad. There's only been one real "incident" since I took over. Last Thursday, while I was sitting at home enjoying a nice wine buzz, my cell phone rang. It was one of the employees that we had let go. She was calling to tell me that she had received a letter from EDD advising her that there was no balance for unemployment insurance.
This part is important. She didn't call me crying or panicky. She called me all angry and pissed off. I'm not sure what I was suppose to do about it at 8pm on a Thursday night and I told her so. Then she told me that she was going to come into the office the next day to talk to the head doc. I asked her what purpose that was going to serve and her response was that she wanted the doc to know what was going on. I explained to her that since she had disturbed my evening I was going to be sure that I told the doc.
Of course I spend the rest of my evening going back and forth wondering if my former manager did not pay EDD and being really angry at the former employer for calling me.
When I got to work the next day I found out that she had called all of the employees. One of them asked her what her purpose was for calling me. She told them it was because she felt I needed to know. Now I'm even more pissed off. I quickly discover that we have, in fact, been paying EDD.
Shortly after I get a call from said employee who announces that she had filed under the wrong employer name which is why she got the letter. "So, let me get this straight. You call all the employees, create hysteria, ruin my evening, all because of a mistake you made?" She gets all self righteous on me and tells me that she had called me on Thursday evening because she wanted to be comforted. She did not call me for comfort. She called me because she was pissed and she wanted to yell at someone. I called her on it, and she stuck to her guns that she wanted comfort and then told me that obviously my position has gone to my head.
Then she proceeded to tell me that my former manager would have always been available during off hours for such reasons. That's total bullshit. I just replied with "well, look where that got you." I mean seriously because of my former manager she is out of a job. Her response, "well who says you won't do the same thing."
That was her way of inferring that I would commit fraud, steal, and lie.
This from a woman who has been working under the table for another one of our docs but tells everyone she is "volunteering." Which you know is bullshit because who "volunteers" their time at their former place of employment.
I'm one step away from reporting her.
This part is important. She didn't call me crying or panicky. She called me all angry and pissed off. I'm not sure what I was suppose to do about it at 8pm on a Thursday night and I told her so. Then she told me that she was going to come into the office the next day to talk to the head doc. I asked her what purpose that was going to serve and her response was that she wanted the doc to know what was going on. I explained to her that since she had disturbed my evening I was going to be sure that I told the doc.
Of course I spend the rest of my evening going back and forth wondering if my former manager did not pay EDD and being really angry at the former employer for calling me.
When I got to work the next day I found out that she had called all of the employees. One of them asked her what her purpose was for calling me. She told them it was because she felt I needed to know. Now I'm even more pissed off. I quickly discover that we have, in fact, been paying EDD.
Shortly after I get a call from said employee who announces that she had filed under the wrong employer name which is why she got the letter. "So, let me get this straight. You call all the employees, create hysteria, ruin my evening, all because of a mistake you made?" She gets all self righteous on me and tells me that she had called me on Thursday evening because she wanted to be comforted. She did not call me for comfort. She called me because she was pissed and she wanted to yell at someone. I called her on it, and she stuck to her guns that she wanted comfort and then told me that obviously my position has gone to my head.
Then she proceeded to tell me that my former manager would have always been available during off hours for such reasons. That's total bullshit. I just replied with "well, look where that got you." I mean seriously because of my former manager she is out of a job. Her response, "well who says you won't do the same thing."
That was her way of inferring that I would commit fraud, steal, and lie.
This from a woman who has been working under the table for another one of our docs but tells everyone she is "volunteering." Which you know is bullshit because who "volunteers" their time at their former place of employment.
I'm one step away from reporting her.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Here's where I drop the f bomb
Obviously my new responsibilities at work have created a lot of stress. I think I've been handling it very well, considering the circumstances. I've been trying to tackle everything by handling one thing at a time. It's a lot of pressure. In some ways I feel that the head physician is kind of counting on me to fix everything. I just can't do that.
Today we had a meeting with all the physicians..and their wives. If you've ever worked in a medical practice you won't have to ask why the wives where there. If you haven't...well, I'm not sure I can explain it to you. It was not a fun meeting. There was a lot of anger..none of it directed at me, but still, very uncomfortable. I think I handled it well and I came out of the meeting feeling that most of the docs are somewhat confident in me and what I'm willing to do. I certainly don't give them excuses or try to brush them off and already that's a step in the right direction.
I also had to talk to an individual working for a federal government agency that shall go unnamed in this blog. That wasn't fun.
Then at 5pm I left for the day. It was time for my hair appointment. I've been going to the same hairdresser for years. He knows way more about me than most of my friends. It's such a cliche, but it works. We had a lot to catch up on because so much has happened in the past week. I even enjoyed some wine, which is rare. He was laughing because I was feeling pretty free spirited and, dare I say it, a bit happy.
I continued home and opened a bottle of wine. I figured since I had started on that journey I should see it through. Ivan, the hairdresser, cut me off after I used the term "mofo." Then my phone rings.
A former employee, that is one of the individuals that was laid off last week, calls me ON MY CELL PHONE AT 8PM AT NIGHT to tell me that EDD has informed her there are no unemployment funds.
Now, I'm not sure what this means because 1)I'm a bit tipsy and 2)I've been a manager/payroll person/superwoman for less than a week. I suspect that it means the former manager never paid EDD the money that is taken out of our check twice a month. This would not surprise me in the least. Then former employer proceeds to tell me she is going to come in the office tomorrow to get some answers. Oh really? If that were the case WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL ME AT 8PM AT HOME?
Are you sensing my irritation? I mean seriously people. I had a good buzz going. I was seeing very nice uninhibited bedroom time with my hubby in my future. Don't get me wrong. I understand she was upset. Rightly so. However, calling me isn't going to make it better. I can't call EDD at 8pm on a Thursday evening.
The more I thought about it the more pissed I got. In fact I hope she does come in tomorrow. Because there is a small piece of my mind left and I plan on giving it to her. And while I'm at it. She's lucky I don't turn her in. Because she has been working the past two days in our office for one of our semi-retired doctors. She told me she was "volunteering" her time. He told my head doctor that he was paying her out of his own money. If he's paying her then I could let EDD know. In fact, right before she called I was telling hubby that I was in a bit of a dilemma because of this situation. Today I received the papers from EDD asking me if I knew that any of the employees were, in fact, working.
I feel better now. Only because people on twitter freaking rock. Yes they do. I don't like sharing my crap on there. In fact, I didn't intend to. It was the bad combination of wine and a who gives a fuck attitude that caused me to vomit up emotions.
But those twitter folks, they came through. I'm constantly amazed at the beauty and kindness of others. It seriously gives me pause and reminds me that all of this other shit is temporary.
Except for my mom being dead. That's permanent. And by the way, speaking of such. I understand my dad is lonely. I get that. Put yourself in my shoes. My parents have been married for over forty years. One day my mom is here, the next she's gone. And seven months later my dad wants to show up with another woman. I just can't do it. Unless you're A)a girl and b)lost your mom you really can't get it, but I appreciate the thoughts anyway.
Please remember this post was written while consuming my fourth glass of wine.
Today we had a meeting with all the physicians..and their wives. If you've ever worked in a medical practice you won't have to ask why the wives where there. If you haven't...well, I'm not sure I can explain it to you. It was not a fun meeting. There was a lot of anger..none of it directed at me, but still, very uncomfortable. I think I handled it well and I came out of the meeting feeling that most of the docs are somewhat confident in me and what I'm willing to do. I certainly don't give them excuses or try to brush them off and already that's a step in the right direction.
I also had to talk to an individual working for a federal government agency that shall go unnamed in this blog. That wasn't fun.
Then at 5pm I left for the day. It was time for my hair appointment. I've been going to the same hairdresser for years. He knows way more about me than most of my friends. It's such a cliche, but it works. We had a lot to catch up on because so much has happened in the past week. I even enjoyed some wine, which is rare. He was laughing because I was feeling pretty free spirited and, dare I say it, a bit happy.
I continued home and opened a bottle of wine. I figured since I had started on that journey I should see it through. Ivan, the hairdresser, cut me off after I used the term "mofo." Then my phone rings.
A former employee, that is one of the individuals that was laid off last week, calls me ON MY CELL PHONE AT 8PM AT NIGHT to tell me that EDD has informed her there are no unemployment funds.
Now, I'm not sure what this means because 1)I'm a bit tipsy and 2)I've been a manager/payroll person/superwoman for less than a week. I suspect that it means the former manager never paid EDD the money that is taken out of our check twice a month. This would not surprise me in the least. Then former employer proceeds to tell me she is going to come in the office tomorrow to get some answers. Oh really? If that were the case WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL ME AT 8PM AT HOME?
Are you sensing my irritation? I mean seriously people. I had a good buzz going. I was seeing very nice uninhibited bedroom time with my hubby in my future. Don't get me wrong. I understand she was upset. Rightly so. However, calling me isn't going to make it better. I can't call EDD at 8pm on a Thursday evening.
The more I thought about it the more pissed I got. In fact I hope she does come in tomorrow. Because there is a small piece of my mind left and I plan on giving it to her. And while I'm at it. She's lucky I don't turn her in. Because she has been working the past two days in our office for one of our semi-retired doctors. She told me she was "volunteering" her time. He told my head doctor that he was paying her out of his own money. If he's paying her then I could let EDD know. In fact, right before she called I was telling hubby that I was in a bit of a dilemma because of this situation. Today I received the papers from EDD asking me if I knew that any of the employees were, in fact, working.
I feel better now. Only because people on twitter freaking rock. Yes they do. I don't like sharing my crap on there. In fact, I didn't intend to. It was the bad combination of wine and a who gives a fuck attitude that caused me to vomit up emotions.
But those twitter folks, they came through. I'm constantly amazed at the beauty and kindness of others. It seriously gives me pause and reminds me that all of this other shit is temporary.
Except for my mom being dead. That's permanent. And by the way, speaking of such. I understand my dad is lonely. I get that. Put yourself in my shoes. My parents have been married for over forty years. One day my mom is here, the next she's gone. And seven months later my dad wants to show up with another woman. I just can't do it. Unless you're A)a girl and b)lost your mom you really can't get it, but I appreciate the thoughts anyway.
Please remember this post was written while consuming my fourth glass of wine.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
RIP Honeybear
When my mom died I never cursed God. I didn't get angry at God, blame God, shake my fist at him....none of those things, even though everything I've read told me it was perfectly normal.
Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.
Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."
For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.
On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!
I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.
When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.
There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.
I don't see that happening.
Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.
Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."
For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.
On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!
I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.
When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.
There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.
I don't see that happening.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
The Rest of the Story
So....the rest of the story.
Apparently our current office manager has been playing a bit of a shell game. And left our practice in a bit of a mess. The doctor called me to tell me the bad news. I was waiting for him to tell me that they were going to be laying me off. But instead he asked if I would consider taking over the manager position.
I have only ran a medical practice once and it was considerably smaller than this one. I'm pretty freaked out. I spent the whole weekend there trying to sort stuff out. I was hoping I'd feel a bit more in control but instead I just feel completely lost.
On Friday they terminated her and had her show me some things before she left. Can we say awkward? It's a real big mess and a lot more complicated than I can really go into to. I have to be careful because this might have legal consequences.
As if this isn't enough. My father calls me Friday to ask me a question regarding my mom's headstone. The headstone that he is finally getting around to taking care of. In the middle of the conversation he switches topics and wants to know if he can bring HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MY HOUSE SO THAT I CAN MEET HER! I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet my dad's girlfriend. The whole thing is sick!!
Then today I find out that he is thinking of moving down here, well to San Bernardino where she lives. OMG. This is not good. He is going to move away from the majority of his children and grandchildren to be with this woman?
My appointment with my psychologist is on Wednesday. Someone should tell her to get the admit papers ready.
Apparently our current office manager has been playing a bit of a shell game. And left our practice in a bit of a mess. The doctor called me to tell me the bad news. I was waiting for him to tell me that they were going to be laying me off. But instead he asked if I would consider taking over the manager position.
I have only ran a medical practice once and it was considerably smaller than this one. I'm pretty freaked out. I spent the whole weekend there trying to sort stuff out. I was hoping I'd feel a bit more in control but instead I just feel completely lost.
On Friday they terminated her and had her show me some things before she left. Can we say awkward? It's a real big mess and a lot more complicated than I can really go into to. I have to be careful because this might have legal consequences.
As if this isn't enough. My father calls me Friday to ask me a question regarding my mom's headstone. The headstone that he is finally getting around to taking care of. In the middle of the conversation he switches topics and wants to know if he can bring HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MY HOUSE SO THAT I CAN MEET HER! I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet my dad's girlfriend. The whole thing is sick!!
Then today I find out that he is thinking of moving down here, well to San Bernardino where she lives. OMG. This is not good. He is going to move away from the majority of his children and grandchildren to be with this woman?
My appointment with my psychologist is on Wednesday. Someone should tell her to get the admit papers ready.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Viewer discretion is advised
I've been twittering today about some stuff going on at work. I can't go into details about it....yet.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.
Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.
After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.
After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?
So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!
I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).
I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.
...to be continued.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.
Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.
After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.
After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?
So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!
I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).
I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.
...to be continued.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Where is a parachute when you need one?
Yes, it's been ages since I updated. I've been a bad blogger. Is there a bad blogger jail? I've been busy, but I'm not sure with what.
I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.
Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?
I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.
If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.
Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?
I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.
Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?
I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.
If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.
Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?
Saturday, February 21, 2009
My bladder and my dad, but not together
So, while I'm sitting in urgent care (possible bladder infection), I might as well update. God, I love technology.
My sister called me last night very angry, not at me, but at my father, who has obviously lost his mind. He called her to let her know he was coming back down here (southern California) to see my mom's cousin again. Apparently, to use his words, its become "serious."
Look, I understand lonely. Find yourself a f&$€ buddy. Don't tell your children, who are still majorly mourning the loss of their mother, that you're serious about another woman. Because what we hear is "I found someone to replace your mom.". I know that's not what he means but that's what we hear.
Last night I dropped my classes. It means two "W" on my transcript, but I think I can take the hit. I dropped three out of four and the three I dropped aren't necessary for my transfer. The class I kept is but doesn't start until the middle of next month. I just can't seem to get my crap together. The psychologist says that its normal to be like this for at least a year. I hate it. I spent all day Monday working ahead and then on Thursday I submitted homework for the chapter that isn't due until next week. Basically I turned in the wrong homework and she doesn't accept late work unless I give her advance notice. I was already dinged for missing another assignment and I decided the W was better than an C. I hate feeling so disorganized all the time. Its so unlike me and it angers me.
Then there is the crap with my job. Last week my boss told everyone she was cutting their hours. She wants everyone to cut four hours. I don't work full time as it is so this is an issue. I started thinking that maybe it was time to find a new job full time. The extra money would be nice. But, even with the issues I have at work, there are a lot of positives. Its very flexible, if I need time off or have to leave because of something with my kids, its never a big deal. And I make pretty good hourly wage for my field. And they let me work part time which allows me to stay in school. Yesterday I talked to my boss about the cut and how many hours she wanted me to work. She told me to keep it at 30 hours or less a week. That is what I work now, before the cut. So, um, yeah its cool. I told hubby that I was inclined to stay where I was at. This job, even with its issues, allows me to have other priorities - my family, school, training.
I still have interviews scheduled and I will keep those. They were arranged by a headhunter and it makes her look bad if I cancel. Besides you never know, something fabulous might come up.
I'm going to go pee in a cup now.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A New Face Every Day
I finished one of my grief books today "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye." Excellent book. So helpful in terms of knowing that I really am not losing my mind. This book also asserts that while there are different grief phases, nobody goes through them the same way and it's normal to not go through them as listed.
I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.
I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).
Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.
It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.
Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.
In the meantime I leave you with this:
"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"
I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.
I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).
Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.
It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.
Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.
In the meantime I leave you with this:
"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"
Sunday, February 15, 2009
These Wounds are Self Inflicted
I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.
I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.
In the meantime, here's the scoop:
VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.
Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.
Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.
Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:
Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"
Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."
Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"
Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).
Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."
Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."
TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.
So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.
Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.
School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.
BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.
I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.
In the meantime, here's the scoop:
VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.
Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.
Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:
Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"
Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."
Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"
Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).
Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."
Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."
TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.
So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.
Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.
School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.
BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Put a Fork in Me, I'm Done
You know, I really thought I was making progress.
Then my dad showed up. God forbid he came down here to see me. Nope arrived this evening and leaving tomorrow morning at 6am.
Because he has a date with my mom's cousin tomorrow night. A date on Valentine's day. My mom hasn't even been dead six fucking months.
And he doesn't understand why I'm upset. And apparently he doesn't understand the words "I don't want to talk about it."
LESS THAN SIX MONTHS. But for me it was yesterday. I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up. I seriously just want to shut down. I'm so done with all this crap.
I can't believe he drove four hundred miles to go on a date. I really don't think I'm being silly. LESS THAN SIX MONTHS.
Then my dad showed up. God forbid he came down here to see me. Nope arrived this evening and leaving tomorrow morning at 6am.
Because he has a date with my mom's cousin tomorrow night. A date on Valentine's day. My mom hasn't even been dead six fucking months.
And he doesn't understand why I'm upset. And apparently he doesn't understand the words "I don't want to talk about it."
LESS THAN SIX MONTHS. But for me it was yesterday. I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up. I seriously just want to shut down. I'm so done with all this crap.
I can't believe he drove four hundred miles to go on a date. I really don't think I'm being silly. LESS THAN SIX MONTHS.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy
Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:
To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.
Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."
Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.
Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.
Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.
My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.
The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.
After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.
Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.
Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.
It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.
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