These Wounds are Self Inflicted

I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.

I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.

In the meantime, here's the scoop:

VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.

Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.

Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.

Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:

Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"

Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."

Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"

Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).

Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."

Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."

TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.

So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.

Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.

School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.

BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.

I'm too exhausting to be loved

While transferring my posts from live journal back to blogger I have discovered something.

My posts are horrible.

The overwhelming theme is grief and depression. And yes, with the passing of my mom it is to be expected but who wants to read about it?

Ugh, are you people masochists or what? And when I say "you people" I mean the three of you that read me.

I have another blog where I also throw up my feelings. It’s hidden away and by invite only. I'm thinking that perhaps in the future if I have a post that implies I might be ready to stick my head in the oven then it might be a good idea to put it in the other blog.

Not that I am limiting what I write about based on what I think readers want, but really do the three of you need to see another post where the first tag is 'crying'. I think not.

And I will still blog about my battle with grief, anger, and what has been termed "situational depression." It’s just the whiny shit that should be locked away.

Can someone please explain to me why Beaver does his math homework but doesn't turn it in? He has an F in math due to missing homework assignments. He does them, I check them, and somewhere between that point and the next morning. Abracadabra! It’s enough to make me want to pray.

I had dropped my classes this semester in hopes that I would get that job. However they were supposed to make their decision last week and I haven’t heard from them. Just a bit frustrating because they did ask me to tell them if I took another position. Do ya think they could return the favor? You know just a short call to say sorry you suck, you"re not who we are looking for?

Then I realized that now I’ve dropped two semesters in a row and that doesn’t look good so I went to the school website and searched under every subject to find classes that I could take online and that didn’t start until the 15 week mark or the 2nd 9 week mark. I didn’t care if it was a zoology class I was going to take it.

This is what I ended up with:

Organizational Communication (helps you organize your thoughts so that you can write better. I love writing research papers, kind of, and I’ve already started on the one I’ll be doing for this class)

Business Communications – so I can learn to say suck it more nicely

Legal Environment of Business – so I can politely explain to my boss that it is ILLEGAL to give out account information without the patient’s permission

How to Start A Home Based Business – really, how can you not want to take a class in which the textbook is called “Getting Rich In Your Underwear.” Now is wearing underwear required? Because this could be a problem.

Actually the organizational communication class is on campus, but other than that all online. Every class but the underwear class is eligible for transfer. So at least I’m taking classes that I can learn something from but I’m still carrying 10.5 units which means Sallie Mae won’t be knocking on my door to pay my student loans.

Last night hubby came home with some pictures of me that he had at work. I was like, “so, you don’t want my pictures in your office,” and he was like “I want updated pictures.” Of course he does “so, you don’t want FAT pictures of me anymore,” “no” he said, “just current ones.” Uh huh, I see where this is going. Current – not so fat, old pictures – FAT.


Title brought to you courtesy of Alanis Morissette "Tapes"

I'm exhausting and exhausted.

I think that sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to be able to pull yourself up. I thought that the week of Christmas I had done that.

Apparently I was wrong. Because rock bottom occurred at my house last night. I won't describe it, it wasn't pretty. It started with Beav presenting me with a progress report from Math reflecting he is earning an F. Why? Because he has not turned in any homework. I know he does his homework because I check it every night. Yet somehow between our dining room table and his school bag it disappears.

Apparently this was just too much stress for me to handle and I had a complete meltdown.

Today, I'm exhausted and embarrassed but I feel ok. I still think therapy is necessary but I am absolutely certain that I never want to repeat what occured last night. That alone is motivation enough to get my shit together.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had plans with this person. I had to cancel and only told her that it was due to an emergency. Later I called to apologize but she didn't answer. However, she text'd me in response to my message about a minute later so it's obvious she didn't answer because she didn't want to.

This led to an exchange of text messages that ended with her saying some very cruel things. The ironic thing is that she said being my friend is exhausting. This is someone who hasn't spoken to me in three months. This is someone who, every time we went anywhere together, I had to drive because she just refused to. And yes, she helped with gas, etc, but still even if we were going somewhere where I live I had to drive where she lives, pick her up and bring her back to where I live. This is someone who I sat with all night while she threw up and sent text messages that I later deleted because who wants to be reminded of drunk texting?

Yet, I'm exhausting. When I called her the day my mom died she barely said a word. She never called me during the week to see how I was doing. She sent me a text message! And in reality we wouldn't have started talking again if I hadn't contacted her. And we stopped being in touch because I was always the one reaching out and she never was.

She hit below the belt with the exhausting comment because I know that right now, I am exhausting. I don't mean to be. I hate it and if I could change it I would. What I do know though is that if any of my friends were really hurting I would do ANYTHING to help. I would call, send cards, remind them that I'm there every chance I had. There have been times when my friends have said hurtful things. Sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes they are just being honest, and sometimes I'm just too sensitive. And when that happens I let it go.

But this wasn't being hurtful. This was being mean. And it took every bit of self restraint I have (and I don't have a lot) not to reply with some pretty horrible missives. I could have taken it really low and part of me wanted to, but I just couldn't.

The worst part is that this is someone I really shared a lot of personal things with. My inclination is to keep more things to myself. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I can't trust people. And I hate feeling like I have the worst instincts about others.

That's a lot of hate.

But even now, I'm ok.