Here's where I drop the f bomb

Obviously my new responsibilities at work have created a lot of stress. I think I've been handling it very well, considering the circumstances. I've been trying to tackle everything by handling one thing at a time. It's a lot of pressure. In some ways I feel that the head physician is kind of counting on me to fix everything. I just can't do that.

Today we had a meeting with all the physicians..and their wives. If you've ever worked in a medical practice you won't have to ask why the wives where there. If you haven't...well, I'm not sure I can explain it to you. It was not a fun meeting. There was a lot of anger..none of it directed at me, but still, very uncomfortable. I think I handled it well and I came out of the meeting feeling that most of the docs are somewhat confident in me and what I'm willing to do. I certainly don't give them excuses or try to brush them off and already that's a step in the right direction.

I also had to talk to an individual working for a federal government agency that shall go unnamed in this blog. That wasn't fun.

Then at 5pm I left for the day. It was time for my hair appointment. I've been going to the same hairdresser for years. He knows way more about me than most of my friends. It's such a cliche, but it works. We had a lot to catch up on because so much has happened in the past week. I even enjoyed some wine, which is rare. He was laughing because I was feeling pretty free spirited and, dare I say it, a bit happy.

I continued home and opened a bottle of wine. I figured since I had started on that journey I should see it through. Ivan, the hairdresser, cut me off after I used the term "mofo." Then my phone rings.

A former employee, that is one of the individuals that was laid off last week, calls me ON MY CELL PHONE AT 8PM AT NIGHT to tell me that EDD has informed her there are no unemployment funds.

Now, I'm not sure what this means because 1)I'm a bit tipsy and 2)I've been a manager/payroll person/superwoman for less than a week. I suspect that it means the former manager never paid EDD the money that is taken out of our check twice a month. This would not surprise me in the least. Then former employer proceeds to tell me she is going to come in the office tomorrow to get some answers. Oh really? If that were the case WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL ME AT 8PM AT HOME?

Are you sensing my irritation? I mean seriously people. I had a good buzz going. I was seeing very nice uninhibited bedroom time with my hubby in my future. Don't get me wrong. I understand she was upset. Rightly so. However, calling me isn't going to make it better. I can't call EDD at 8pm on a Thursday evening.

The more I thought about it the more pissed I got. In fact I hope she does come in tomorrow. Because there is a small piece of my mind left and I plan on giving it to her. And while I'm at it. She's lucky I don't turn her in. Because she has been working the past two days in our office for one of our semi-retired doctors. She told me she was "volunteering" her time. He told my head doctor that he was paying her out of his own money. If he's paying her then I could let EDD know. In fact, right before she called I was telling hubby that I was in a bit of a dilemma because of this situation. Today I received the papers from EDD asking me if I knew that any of the employees were, in fact, working.

I feel better now. Only because people on twitter freaking rock. Yes they do. I don't like sharing my crap on there. In fact, I didn't intend to. It was the bad combination of wine and a who gives a fuck attitude that caused me to vomit up emotions.

But those twitter folks, they came through. I'm constantly amazed at the beauty and kindness of others. It seriously gives me pause and reminds me that all of this other shit is temporary.

Except for my mom being dead. That's permanent. And by the way, speaking of such. I understand my dad is lonely. I get that. Put yourself in my shoes. My parents have been married for over forty years. One day my mom is here, the next she's gone. And seven months later my dad wants to show up with another woman. I just can't do it. Unless you're A)a girl and b)lost your mom you really can't get it, but I appreciate the thoughts anyway.

Please remember this post was written while consuming my fourth glass of wine.

From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy

Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:

To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.

Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."

Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.

Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.

Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.

My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.

The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.

After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.

Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.

Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.

It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.

I'm exhausting and exhausted.

I think that sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to be able to pull yourself up. I thought that the week of Christmas I had done that.

Apparently I was wrong. Because rock bottom occurred at my house last night. I won't describe it, it wasn't pretty. It started with Beav presenting me with a progress report from Math reflecting he is earning an F. Why? Because he has not turned in any homework. I know he does his homework because I check it every night. Yet somehow between our dining room table and his school bag it disappears.

Apparently this was just too much stress for me to handle and I had a complete meltdown.

Today, I'm exhausted and embarrassed but I feel ok. I still think therapy is necessary but I am absolutely certain that I never want to repeat what occured last night. That alone is motivation enough to get my shit together.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had plans with this person. I had to cancel and only told her that it was due to an emergency. Later I called to apologize but she didn't answer. However, she text'd me in response to my message about a minute later so it's obvious she didn't answer because she didn't want to.

This led to an exchange of text messages that ended with her saying some very cruel things. The ironic thing is that she said being my friend is exhausting. This is someone who hasn't spoken to me in three months. This is someone who, every time we went anywhere together, I had to drive because she just refused to. And yes, she helped with gas, etc, but still even if we were going somewhere where I live I had to drive where she lives, pick her up and bring her back to where I live. This is someone who I sat with all night while she threw up and sent text messages that I later deleted because who wants to be reminded of drunk texting?

Yet, I'm exhausting. When I called her the day my mom died she barely said a word. She never called me during the week to see how I was doing. She sent me a text message! And in reality we wouldn't have started talking again if I hadn't contacted her. And we stopped being in touch because I was always the one reaching out and she never was.

She hit below the belt with the exhausting comment because I know that right now, I am exhausting. I don't mean to be. I hate it and if I could change it I would. What I do know though is that if any of my friends were really hurting I would do ANYTHING to help. I would call, send cards, remind them that I'm there every chance I had. There have been times when my friends have said hurtful things. Sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes they are just being honest, and sometimes I'm just too sensitive. And when that happens I let it go.

But this wasn't being hurtful. This was being mean. And it took every bit of self restraint I have (and I don't have a lot) not to reply with some pretty horrible missives. I could have taken it really low and part of me wanted to, but I just couldn't.

The worst part is that this is someone I really shared a lot of personal things with. My inclination is to keep more things to myself. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I can't trust people. And I hate feeling like I have the worst instincts about others.

That's a lot of hate.

But even now, I'm ok.