Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else with courage in love and war

If you've been following my tweets, and really, why wouldn't you, I've been in San Diego for the past few days attending a conference for Healthcare Leaders. Apparently I'm one of those, who would have thunk? It's been a great conference and San Diego is beautiful although I really didn't get to see much of it. I'm thinking I need to come down here with hubby and the kids before Einstein heads off to college and I don't see him again.

I've learned a lot this weekend and made a lot of great connections with other managers and administrators. I got to see my mentor and we haven't seen each other in about three years, so that was awesome. Apparently she really talked me up to a lot of people that I've gotten to know and it's nice to hear someone thinks highly of you.

Lately my blog has been all over the place. Lots of weird things going on and I'm finding myself going through a lot of transitions. The thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions whirl around inside my head to the point that I'm exhausted. I'm trying desperately to sort them all out but it's difficult.

Not helping at all is my habit of completely doubting my feelings all the time. Over the years it's become quite obvious to me that my I have no ability to judge character. I couldn't tell if a person would be good for me or bad for me if my life depended on it. And then when I do get close to someone a question it a gazillion times. It's quite ridiculous. I wish I could be the kind of person who just feels without questioning. Is that possible?

It doesn't appear likely.

What is obvious though is that there are many things I have to get out of my head and I can't do it here. This is too public and somethings are more private and require limited access. So, I have developed another blog that is by invite only. If you're interested you may email me at divacowgirl at gmail.com.

I must get ready for another half day of meetings. I hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday.

Title taken from "Weak In The Knees" by Serena Ryder

I can show love, I just might do it differently than you

I've been blogging for a long time but one day in a fit of stupidity I erased one. I regret that a lot. For me blogging is pretty personal. I don't do it as a way to make a living, I don't sell advertising, it's just a place I vent. Often after I've blogged here, and I believe I mentioned this before, I feel totally different about whatever it was I was upset about. Sometimes, hell, almost all the time, it's just helpful to get it out of my head.


I also read some really amazing blogs. I can't believe that there are people who do this and make money. I could never be that talented and I'm impressed every day. I also can't believe how many people take the time to trash talk on blogs.


There are times when I disagree with something I've read in a blog or I could even be offended. When that happens I just take my mouse and click on that little "x" and voila the page is closed. I don't feel the need to leave my two cents because...well, why? I comment on a few of the blogs I read, I try to offer supportive comments or just a pat on the back.


And I'm constantly amazed by the supportive comments I've received here. People who are complete strangers have blessed me with their kind words. And then there are those times when someone feels the need to lecture me. Apparently they disagree with whatever choices I've made or whatever it is that's bothering me. So the other day when once again someone left a little lecture and then FOLLOWED IT WITH A BIBLE VERSE I got really pissed off.


I grew up in church. I have had bible verses thrown at me my whole entire life and here's what I've discovered. When you come at someone in a "shame on you" fashion and justify your lecture with a bible verse well you're just full of crap. That's not going to help me at all. And in reality I think it's only purpose is to help you feel better about yourself.


Next time you want to represent your Christian "love" trying offering to pray for someone. How about "I'm sorry you're having these issues, I'm praying that God will soften your heart." That's a nice way of letting me know you disagree with me and at the same time showing, oh don't know" KINDNESS.

And please don't think I'm against the bible or bible verses. My mom's Bible sits next to my bed and I can't even begin telling you how many times I've opened it.

A friend of mine sent me this the other day, I found it and her fabulous.

"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments."
Gustave Flaubert

P.S. I'm starting another blog. There are some personal issues that I just don't feel I can discuss here. If you're interested leave me a comment with your email.

And the Uglier

I read a lot of different blogs. Almost all are mom blogs with the exception of a few. Everyone writes in a different style. Some write tongue in cheek and they're very funny. Some are just straight forward discussing their lives, activities, and families.



I've been blogging for about six years. I don't do it for recognition. I don't blog in the hope that I'll become famous. I don't sell ads on my blog (not that there's anything wrong with that). For me, blogging is a way to get the stuff that is in my head out. It's pretty much how I just throw up everything I'm thinking/feeling as a way to sort it out. Kind of my way of finding out if what I'm feeling is real or needs a closer look.



I don't blog about everything going on. In fact I also keep a handwritten journal. Sometimes it's just not convenient to boot up the laptop and sort things out here.



So, imagine my surprise when my last post receives a comment that starts with "I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer" or maybe it was anymore, anyway, it started with that and then proceeded to trash me or should I say trash my feelings.



First, if you have been fighting to "keep your mouth shut" well, then, you're spending WAY too much time thinking about what I write here. I mean seriously, if what you read bothers you move the hell on.



Furthermore this is a snippet of my life. This is the place where I yell out all those things that I can't yell anywhere else. For the record, the day that I wrote that post I did talk to my dad. But, that's for another post.



I understand this is public. And I understand that being public means you run the risk of people leaving negative comments, yada, yada, yada. But I'm sorry, I just don't get it. As I said I read a lot of different blogs and I often read things that I a)don't understand or b)disagree with but I've never felt the need to trash someone on their own blog.


Thanks, I feel better now. Just needed to throw up my feelings again.

Surviving

Grief sucks. There is no way around it. I forget how holidays really tend to screw me up and yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.

To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.

He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.

And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.

This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.

Grief sucks.

I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.

In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.

Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.

So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.

Is There a God...Why is he waiting?

Ah, blogger...how I've missed you.

Livejournal was creating a lot of issues with bots on my AIM. Yesterday I received about five random instant messages about everything from naked women to bongs.

The only advantage that LiveJournal has/had over Blogger is that it allows me to set privacy settings for each individual entry. With twitter and all the other social media people I actually know in real life started reading my blog and well as much as I'd like to think I'm an open book...I'm not.

Yesterday I was headed back to my third interview with a local clinic. I check in and am waiting...and waiting..and the human resources person comes out. She looks at me quizzically...'what are you doing here? Didn't you get my message the other day?' Um, yes, I did. Right after I got the message to be here at 12:30pm. Yep, apparently there was a huge case of the right hand not talking to the left hand and the short version is that I put on heels for nothing. The HR person did reassure me that I'm a strong contender for the position I've applied for and I should hear early next week.

I had already scheduled the rest of the afternoon off as I am on my school schedule. I'm suppose to start school in an hour and a half as I have an orientation for one of my online classes. I don't think I'm going to be there. I'm still confused about what to do. One minute I'm eager to go back to school...the next minute I hate my office so much I can hardly stand it.

I could write a book about the issues that this office has. HIPPA violations, lack of professionalism...do you know I haven't had working voice mail since I've been there? I can't print claims from my computer. My boss has never done my job, she has no idea how to do my job, yet she constantly is telling me to do things that I know are a)wrong, b)unethical, or c)makes no sense at all.

Enough already.

Because of my weight loss I found myself with a ton of clothes that are too big for me. I had the bright idea to sell the items on ebay. I wasn't looking to get rich, just make a few bucks. I didn't. What I did get was a multitude of stupid questions. I don't how ebayers do it. I had a top listed for ninety-nine cents. Ninety-nine cents people!!!! And someone emails me haggling me about the shipping cost. Wants me to stuff it in a priority mail flat rate envelope because they don't want to pay the $8 charge I have for priority mail. Yes, I know it's kinda high but I do have to drive my ass to the post office.

I sold a few items, the rest are going to the women's shelter. I'm talking nice shit. Wool dress skirts, blouses, lots of nice work items.

In the meantime I continue to spend all of my money on ebay feeding my vintage hat habit.

Title credit: New Deep by John Mayer