Only a few days until my fight, panic is definitely settling in. Just a little though. At this point I just want it over. The level of training is exhausting. I'm exhausted. And old.
Everybody talks about it doesn't matter who wins or loses, nobody remembers later who won, yada yada yada, and I know they're right. I've watched three fights at the dojo and I can't tell you who won or lost.
I'm just tired. And I want my life back. One that doesn't involve being at the dojo when I'm not at work. Don't get me wrong I love my muscle tone, but the constant training, always being sore, the u shaped bruise on my ass, it's just too much.
Plus I feel so behind at work. I've been plugging away all day yesterday and today trying hard to catch up. I'm behind in every other area. Poor Beav has had to remind me for the past three days to pick up his prescription and I have yet to remember to do it.
I was hoping to get in a trip home the second weekend of May but then I realized that it's Mother's day and it's probably not recommended that Mother's spend a weekend away from their children, or maybe it is, lol However, I would have a hard time explaining to my siblings why I don't have my children with me.
I do need to get home soon. I've been very homesick. But I'm not sure when I'll have the time. I've planned a weekend away with Beav and Einstein the weekend before Memorial Day (which will mainly involve sun, swimsuits, and water) and then in June I am making another trek to Flagstaff with Einstein and then we leave on our annual week long camping trip.
My summer seems to be getting off to a fun and busy start. I feel a bit energized now that I've been thinking about the fun stuff coming up.
Title taken from Helen Reddy's "I am Woman"
Showing posts with label beav. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beav. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I Wish I Could Save My Soul. I'm So Cold From Fear
Today was a day of disappointment. But then, the whole week was that way.
Sparring this morning, one word, UGH. I just feel completely incompetent. I feel like everyone is so much better than I am. Tomorrow is my last day of sparring before the fight and panic exists below the surface, every minute. Not to mention, total rookie move, sparring, moving backwards and I slammed into the mirrored wall. Currently I feel like I was hit by a truck. Someone, remind me why I'm doing this again?
Then the mail arrived. Einstein found out he didn't get his ROTC scholarship. Beaver received a collection notice from the library for four library books that he didn't turn in and were due in February. Again, panic at the college situation. Where am I going to find an extra $15,000 a year? Drove Beav to the library, he turned in his books and I paid the $42 fine which is added to the $64 debt he already owes me because of lunch loans.
I got in the car to head off to run some errands and you know I just wanted to sit in there and cry. But I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go that way and let it all out and do that with someone close to comfort me. But that's not my style. I'm unable to do that. It's just a form of vulnerability that I'm unwilling to let anyone see.
In some way I feel I'm being punished for being a bad person. As if God is throwing all this crap at me because I'm not a good person. So then I drive around and run my errands and think about everything in my life and what God might be disapproving of and that just makes me feel worse.
And I recognize that I'm tired. I'm stretched a little too thin and that makes me more emotional than normal. I'm trying to find a balance between not second guessing my feelings and not over-reacting. That's easier said than done.
Title taken from James Blunt's "Tears and Rain"
Sparring this morning, one word, UGH. I just feel completely incompetent. I feel like everyone is so much better than I am. Tomorrow is my last day of sparring before the fight and panic exists below the surface, every minute. Not to mention, total rookie move, sparring, moving backwards and I slammed into the mirrored wall. Currently I feel like I was hit by a truck. Someone, remind me why I'm doing this again?
Then the mail arrived. Einstein found out he didn't get his ROTC scholarship. Beaver received a collection notice from the library for four library books that he didn't turn in and were due in February. Again, panic at the college situation. Where am I going to find an extra $15,000 a year? Drove Beav to the library, he turned in his books and I paid the $42 fine which is added to the $64 debt he already owes me because of lunch loans.
I got in the car to head off to run some errands and you know I just wanted to sit in there and cry. But I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go that way and let it all out and do that with someone close to comfort me. But that's not my style. I'm unable to do that. It's just a form of vulnerability that I'm unwilling to let anyone see.
In some way I feel I'm being punished for being a bad person. As if God is throwing all this crap at me because I'm not a good person. So then I drive around and run my errands and think about everything in my life and what God might be disapproving of and that just makes me feel worse.
And I recognize that I'm tired. I'm stretched a little too thin and that makes me more emotional than normal. I'm trying to find a balance between not second guessing my feelings and not over-reacting. That's easier said than done.
Title taken from James Blunt's "Tears and Rain"
Monday, May 11, 2009
Apparently I'm now an orphan
I survived Mother's Day week.
I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.
It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."
WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.
I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???
Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.
I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.
Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.
I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.
It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.
I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.
It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."
WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.
I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???
Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.
I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.
Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.
I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.
It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Viewer discretion is advised
I've been twittering today about some stuff going on at work. I can't go into details about it....yet.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.
Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.
After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.
After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?
So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!
I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).
I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.
...to be continued.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.
Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.
After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.
After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?
So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!
I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).
I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.
...to be continued.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Where is a parachute when you need one?
Yes, it's been ages since I updated. I've been a bad blogger. Is there a bad blogger jail? I've been busy, but I'm not sure with what.
I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.
Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?
I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.
If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.
Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?
I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.
Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?
I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.
If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.
Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A New Face Every Day
I finished one of my grief books today "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye." Excellent book. So helpful in terms of knowing that I really am not losing my mind. This book also asserts that while there are different grief phases, nobody goes through them the same way and it's normal to not go through them as listed.
I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.
I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).
Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.
It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.
Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.
In the meantime I leave you with this:
"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"
I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.
I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).
Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.
It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.
Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.
In the meantime I leave you with this:
"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"
Sunday, February 15, 2009
These Wounds are Self Inflicted
I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.
I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.
In the meantime, here's the scoop:
VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.
Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.
Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.
Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:
Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"
Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."
Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"
Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).
Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."
Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."
TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.
So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.
Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.
School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.
BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.
I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.
In the meantime, here's the scoop:
VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.
Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.
Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:
Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"
Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."
Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"
Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).
Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."
Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."
TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.
So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.
Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.
School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.
BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy
Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:
To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.
Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."
Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.
Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.
Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.
My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.
The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.
After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.
Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.
Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.
It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Since you never realize a good thing until it's gone
So, if you've been reading my twitters then you know I am back at school. Just one class, online. English - critical and argumentative writing. I had registered for this class with the others that I dropped and kept it since it didn't start until now. I figured that things would be easier by now, and they are a bit (if you don't count the hours I spent crying myself to sleep last night). I'm not sure though that I can handle the class. It's eighteen weeks of material done in nine weeks. Two papers a week. Ugh. But, I am glad to be back!
One thing I’m thinking of doing to free up my schedule is stop selling the sex toys. My last party only netted me $60. In the past I was making $100 to $150 a party so you can see that $60 is quite a drop. Between prepping, and time driving, and gas, it’s just hardly worth the hassle any longer.
Beav has been doing his share of adding stress to my life. Had parent teacher conferences last week for the first time at the new school. On the plus side there are no behavioral issues, which is already a huge improvement. However, he is not doing his homework. He’s barely passing most of his classes. He turns in incomplete work or answers such as ?. Seriously, wtf kind of answer is “?”. When I asked him about it, his answer – “I didn’t feel like doing it.” My response, well I don’t feel like paying all this money for tuition if you’re not willing to do your part. I was pretty harsh but I was so angry. I put it very simply. When it comes down to it, I’ll put the money into my tuition not his, because I know I’ll do the work.
I also told him that if he was committed to being a slacker then he should probably stay at his dads after Christmas break because basically I’ve had it. I’ve committed too much time and energy to helping him and if he’s not going to do his part well then I’m done doing mine. He wants another chance. I love him so much but I’m just tired of providing him with all the tools he needs and having him waste his time…..and mine. He’s so bright, but lazy. He has permanently lost his privilege of watching television or playing on the computer during the week. He’s too distracted as it is. I also cut his social activities a lot and last night kept him home from Boy Scouts so he could study for a test. I did agree to let him go to an outing tonight with this youth group. I do believe that it can’t be all work and no play.
My new kickboxing trainer is KICKING my ass!!!! Which is good. After our first session I was sore for four days. I have stopped sparring though for the time being. Right now I’m just too busy on Saturdays. The fight that I was planning to be involved in takes place on November 7th. A couple of weeks after that sparring will pick up again and I’ll start fresh with that group. I’m still in class though and struggling to getting back to five days a week of training.
Last but not least, I hope people weren’t disturbed by my last post, however, this is my blog and I was working something out that had been bouncing around in my head for awhile. All of life is self-discovery, and every day I learn something new about myself..and I’m constantly changing my way of thinking. That’s why I count myself fortunate to have blogging friends who are so different from me. It all helps me to become a more rounded individual and I thank all of you for that.
One thing I’m thinking of doing to free up my schedule is stop selling the sex toys. My last party only netted me $60. In the past I was making $100 to $150 a party so you can see that $60 is quite a drop. Between prepping, and time driving, and gas, it’s just hardly worth the hassle any longer.
Beav has been doing his share of adding stress to my life. Had parent teacher conferences last week for the first time at the new school. On the plus side there are no behavioral issues, which is already a huge improvement. However, he is not doing his homework. He’s barely passing most of his classes. He turns in incomplete work or answers such as ?. Seriously, wtf kind of answer is “?”. When I asked him about it, his answer – “I didn’t feel like doing it.” My response, well I don’t feel like paying all this money for tuition if you’re not willing to do your part. I was pretty harsh but I was so angry. I put it very simply. When it comes down to it, I’ll put the money into my tuition not his, because I know I’ll do the work.
I also told him that if he was committed to being a slacker then he should probably stay at his dads after Christmas break because basically I’ve had it. I’ve committed too much time and energy to helping him and if he’s not going to do his part well then I’m done doing mine. He wants another chance. I love him so much but I’m just tired of providing him with all the tools he needs and having him waste his time…..and mine. He’s so bright, but lazy. He has permanently lost his privilege of watching television or playing on the computer during the week. He’s too distracted as it is. I also cut his social activities a lot and last night kept him home from Boy Scouts so he could study for a test. I did agree to let him go to an outing tonight with this youth group. I do believe that it can’t be all work and no play.
My new kickboxing trainer is KICKING my ass!!!! Which is good. After our first session I was sore for four days. I have stopped sparring though for the time being. Right now I’m just too busy on Saturdays. The fight that I was planning to be involved in takes place on November 7th. A couple of weeks after that sparring will pick up again and I’ll start fresh with that group. I’m still in class though and struggling to getting back to five days a week of training.
Last but not least, I hope people weren’t disturbed by my last post, however, this is my blog and I was working something out that had been bouncing around in my head for awhile. All of life is self-discovery, and every day I learn something new about myself..and I’m constantly changing my way of thinking. That’s why I count myself fortunate to have blogging friends who are so different from me. It all helps me to become a more rounded individual and I thank all of you for that.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
They say time heals everything but I'm still waiting
Apparently my old job is laying off so probably not a good idea to go back there, ha ha ha.
Here’s a random thought. There are over 1800 hundred songs on my IPOD yet when I have it on shuffle it constantly play Christina Aguilera. Very frustrating.
I gave up on the debate tonight. Yes, I understand McCain was in the war and has been to Iraq and Obama wants to give a tax break to 95% of Americans, I get it. I’m just tired of hearing and am anxious to see things HAPPEN.
Had another sex toy party this weekend. It went pretty well, bunch of crazy fun ladies. One order appears to be a cancellation since one attendee conveniently “forgot” her checkbook and I told her I needed payment by today and …..no payment…..and no return phone call. Sigh, if it’s not one thing it’s another. At least I made a few bucks.
Other than that, it’s been a quiet week here in the diva household. Einstein was in a car accident, he is fine, his car is not. The other driver’s car had no damage and he was kind enough to decline turning it in to insurance unless we wanted to. The insurance company told us the best we could hope for was 50% fault, which wouldn’t benefit us at all because we only have liability on his car and his rates would go up. Lucky for us Einstein has a good friend whose dad owns a body shop, so that will be my fun filled upcoming weekend. I’m glad he’s ok but I’m a bit worried that he doesn’t understand how he could have avoided the accident. This does not fill me with confidence.
Beav has been having issues at school…again. At least they’re not behavioral issues, rather academic ones. It’s just annoying because they could easily be avoided if he weren’t…well….a lazy ass.
I can’t believe I have nothing to blog about. Is my life that boring?
Apparently so.
Here’s a random thought. There are over 1800 hundred songs on my IPOD yet when I have it on shuffle it constantly play Christina Aguilera. Very frustrating.
I gave up on the debate tonight. Yes, I understand McCain was in the war and has been to Iraq and Obama wants to give a tax break to 95% of Americans, I get it. I’m just tired of hearing and am anxious to see things HAPPEN.
Had another sex toy party this weekend. It went pretty well, bunch of crazy fun ladies. One order appears to be a cancellation since one attendee conveniently “forgot” her checkbook and I told her I needed payment by today and …..no payment…..and no return phone call. Sigh, if it’s not one thing it’s another. At least I made a few bucks.
Other than that, it’s been a quiet week here in the diva household. Einstein was in a car accident, he is fine, his car is not. The other driver’s car had no damage and he was kind enough to decline turning it in to insurance unless we wanted to. The insurance company told us the best we could hope for was 50% fault, which wouldn’t benefit us at all because we only have liability on his car and his rates would go up. Lucky for us Einstein has a good friend whose dad owns a body shop, so that will be my fun filled upcoming weekend. I’m glad he’s ok but I’m a bit worried that he doesn’t understand how he could have avoided the accident. This does not fill me with confidence.
Beav has been having issues at school…again. At least they’re not behavioral issues, rather academic ones. It’s just annoying because they could easily be avoided if he weren’t…well….a lazy ass.
I can’t believe I have nothing to blog about. Is my life that boring?
Apparently so.
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