RIP Honeybear

When my mom died I never cursed God. I didn't get angry at God, blame God, shake my fist at him....none of those things, even though everything I've read told me it was perfectly normal.

Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.

Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."

For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.

On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!

I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.

There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.

I don't see that happening.

The Rest of the Story

So....the rest of the story.

Apparently our current office manager has been playing a bit of a shell game. And left our practice in a bit of a mess. The doctor called me to tell me the bad news. I was waiting for him to tell me that they were going to be laying me off. But instead he asked if I would consider taking over the manager position.

I have only ran a medical practice once and it was considerably smaller than this one. I'm pretty freaked out. I spent the whole weekend there trying to sort stuff out. I was hoping I'd feel a bit more in control but instead I just feel completely lost.

On Friday they terminated her and had her show me some things before she left. Can we say awkward? It's a real big mess and a lot more complicated than I can really go into to. I have to be careful because this might have legal consequences.

As if this isn't enough. My father calls me Friday to ask me a question regarding my mom's headstone. The headstone that he is finally getting around to taking care of. In the middle of the conversation he switches topics and wants to know if he can bring HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MY HOUSE SO THAT I CAN MEET HER! I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet my dad's girlfriend. The whole thing is sick!!

Then today I find out that he is thinking of moving down here, well to San Bernardino where she lives. OMG. This is not good. He is going to move away from the majority of his children and grandchildren to be with this woman?

My appointment with my psychologist is on Wednesday. Someone should tell her to get the admit papers ready.

These Wounds are Self Inflicted

I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.

I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.

In the meantime, here's the scoop:

VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.

Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.

Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.

Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:

Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"

Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."

Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"

Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).

Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."

Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."

TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.

So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.

Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.

School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.

BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.

Interview by SarahinMI

One of my twitter friends posted an interview on her blog, The Mom Chronicles. After answering her questions she asked if there were any readers interested in being interviewed. I thought, ‘what the heck, why not’, if anything it will get me to post. So I left her a comment and about thirty seconds later she left me these questions.

1. I love that you take kickboxing because it seems like an awesome work out and stress relief all mixed in one. What made you choose kickboxing? Actually it was my friends Kitten that suggested it. There is a local studio that she wanted to check out so we went in and found out the first class was free. We figured that it would be worth a shot. At our first class, a beginner class, the first thing our instructor said was “if you feel like you’re going to throw up, the bathrooms are there and here.” I came home exhausted and exhilarated. It was the best workout I have ever experienced. If anyone had told me a year ago I could do pushups without collapsing, I would have never believed them.

2. It's been a hard year for you, and I'm sad that you're sad. What is your favorite memory of your mom? I have lots of great memories but it was easy to pick my favorite. When I was in high school I tried out for the drill team, ok it was tall flags, I can’t lie. Anyway, for some reason this news really excited my mom and she actually made me an outfit for try outs. It had been years since my mother had sewed and she made me this adorable short outfit in my school colors which were black and orange. Believe it or not I didn’t look like Tony the Tiger, it was really cute. Unfortunately, I got the date wrong and I came home from tryouts to find the outfit lying on my bed ready for the next day. I never told my mom that tryouts were a day earlier than I thought and to my knowledge she never knew I didn’t try out in the outfit she made me. I did make the team and my mother made a HUGE sign and posted it on our garage door. It was the closest she ever came to telling me she was proud of me.

3. So you hate when your iPod gets stuck on Christina Aguilera (believe me, I WOULD TOO!) - and you love some booty music. You have to create a playlist to take with you to a deserted island for a week of being CHILL and doing NOTHING - what is on that playlist. I don’t know how to CHILL and do nothing, but I’ll give it a shot. I have really varied taste in music. The Best Day by Taylor Swift
Anything by Amos Lee
Boys of Summer by Don Henley
Celebrity by Brad Paisley
Cocoon by Jack Johnson
Crash by Dave Matthews
Every Light in the House by Trace Adkins
Far Away by Nickelback
Father Figure by George Michael
Fingernail Moon by Annie Lennox
The Garden by Mirah
Godspeed by Dixie Chicks
Good Enough By Evanescence
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
I’m Movin On by Rascal Flatts
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance
Imagine by Jack Johnson
Karma by Alicia Keys
Kerosene by Miranda Lambert
Legend of a Cowgirl by Imani Coppola
Life is Beautiful by Vega4
Love Story by Taylor Swift
Mercy by Duffy
2 x 4 by Metallica
Pancho and Lefty by Willie Nelson
Red Light Special by TLC
She’s A Beauty by the Tubes
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney
Shut Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
Wish you Were Here by Mark Harris
Womanizer by Britney Spears
You Had Me From Hello by Kenny Chesney
Burn by Usher

4. The sex toy business is best when the women are horny and cash-laden. What is the most popular thing you sell? How did you get into that business? I can be pretty blunt around strangers but a bit shy around people I know - do you find that it matters when you're hosting a home party? The most popular item I sell is the Silver Bullet. It’s a great little toy guaranteed to take any woman from zero to 60 in no time flat plus it’s a great beginner toy to use with your partner. I do prefer to do parties for strangers. They ask a LOT of personal questions and I don’t think that people that know me really want to know that much about my personal life.

5. I know you best through Twitter these days - who are your favorite people to follow? Is there a particular kind of Twitter-er you follow or is it random? Of course, SarahinMI is one of my favorites. It’s pretty random, but I like to follow witty and funny people in the hope it will rub off on me. Some of my favorites in no particular order are Jplesko, myfuckingeye, yeahimadork, to name a few. I also like to follow people who live here in Long Beach.

Hey folks: Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

Oh sweetness, when will you be mine?

I’m so angry………with myself. I have seriously been out of control. I weigh myself every morning. I understand that for some people, that’s a bad thing. It’s a bad thing to weigh yourself every day if you’re going to obsess to the point of not eating if your weight is up on a particular day. I don’t have that issue, although sometimes I wish I did.

I am up 5 pounds. That may not seem like a lot, but it’s half the weight I lost since I started kickboxing. All the size smaller clothes I bought are tight. I’m so disgusted with myself I can hardly stand it.

Yesterday two out of three meals were FAST FOOD. Up until recently I rarely touched fast food. Now it’s become a staple. What the hell is that about? The other day I ate a big ass cinnamon roll with a soda for breakfast. This is not who I am. This is just disgusting.
I know that part of the problem is I’m depressed because of my mom. As much as I’d like to think I can get up and say ‘ok, enough with that, things have to change,’ I’m not going to stop being upset. Some people have suggested professional counseling. I don’t think that’s necessary. I think what I’m going through is normal, under the circumstances, and I just need to work through it. So, while I can’t control the myriad of emotions that I constantly feel on a daily basis, I can control how I react to it…..can’t I?

This whole eating thing touches on everything else in my life. I feel like shit physically so then I don’t want to work out. I go to bed early because I just am tired and I don’t feel good. I haven’t been having sex and as much as I’d like to blame it on issues with my hubby I strongly suspect that the real issue is how I feel about myself. Because feeling sexy starts on the inside. No matter what you’re size you can be sexy, if you feel sexy. I don’t feel sexy. I feel sexy on the inside when I know I’m taking care of myself and being healthy.

And that’s another thing. This kind of shit is EXACTLY what killed my mother. It’s part of why I’m so angry with her. She could have been healthy. She could have prevented dying at the age of 60. Had she only taken care of herself, she’d be here today. I can’t even go into all of this right now because it will just make me fall apart and I have to get ready for work. But the bottom line is….if I don’t stop…that’s how I will end up.

Maybe getting all of this out of my head will help. God, I hope so.