If you've been following my tweets, and really, why wouldn't you, I've been in San Diego for the past few days attending a conference for Healthcare Leaders. Apparently I'm one of those, who would have thunk? It's been a great conference and San Diego is beautiful although I really didn't get to see much of it. I'm thinking I need to come down here with hubby and the kids before Einstein heads off to college and I don't see him again.
I've learned a lot this weekend and made a lot of great connections with other managers and administrators. I got to see my mentor and we haven't seen each other in about three years, so that was awesome. Apparently she really talked me up to a lot of people that I've gotten to know and it's nice to hear someone thinks highly of you.
Lately my blog has been all over the place. Lots of weird things going on and I'm finding myself going through a lot of transitions. The thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions whirl around inside my head to the point that I'm exhausted. I'm trying desperately to sort them all out but it's difficult.
Not helping at all is my habit of completely doubting my feelings all the time. Over the years it's become quite obvious to me that my I have no ability to judge character. I couldn't tell if a person would be good for me or bad for me if my life depended on it. And then when I do get close to someone a question it a gazillion times. It's quite ridiculous. I wish I could be the kind of person who just feels without questioning. Is that possible?
It doesn't appear likely.
What is obvious though is that there are many things I have to get out of my head and I can't do it here. This is too public and somethings are more private and require limited access. So, I have developed another blog that is by invite only. If you're interested you may email me at divacowgirl at gmail.com.
I must get ready for another half day of meetings. I hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday.
Title taken from "Weak In The Knees" by Serena Ryder
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Say something sweet cause all we have is a night we can't keep and can't get back
My brother-in-law is going to have to come to Long Beach so we can enjoy these and have a heart attack together.
Title taken from "Safe but Sorry" by Making April
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wordless Wednesday, does it count if there are captions
This is what your feet look like after constantly training for a fight. Be grateful I didn't take pictures of the bottoms.
My favorite flower. I buy these every Sunday at the Farmer's Market.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The "L" word
I've never been very good at the "L" word. No, not lust. That word I have absolutely no issues with. Mmmmmm.....lust. That way you feel when someone touches you the right way.....when someone makes you growl in the back of your throat......
Sorry, I got distracted. Back to the "L" word.
Perhaps it's because the first "romantic" (and I use that word very loosely) relationship I had in which a man told me he loved me also involved violence and assault and that's bound to warp a 17-year-old girl.
But this post isn't about that relationship, that could be an entire blog post in itself and that's for another day.
Lately I've seen a few of my twitter/blogging friends go through pain/trauma/heartbreak because of the "L" word. Is there any other word that can bring you such total euphoria and such devastating heartbreak in the space of hours?
It's funny because when you first start experiencing the L word it's all butterflies and goosebumps. Then it ends. And you try again. But the next time after the butterflies slow down you realize.....wait a minute, this is going to end at some point and it's going to hurt. And then you get to the point where you think.....if I avoid the "L" word I can avoid the pain.
I'm not one of those people. Am I closed off? Yes. Do I have a difficult time sharing my feelings? Yes. But I'm not afraid to love. Sometimes I just think I don't really know how.
Those people that fall in love after a weekend together. Those individuals that are convinced they've met a soul mate...I envy them. Even though in many cases it end(s) in heartache, sadness, drama, etc. How lucky are they that they have the ability to feel those kinds of feelings (the good ones, not the bad ones, I mean they're lucky to feel everything but I'm not jealous of the bad ones).
I even start to feel the urge to use the "L" word and I immediately stop myself. Because that's when the questions start. How on earth can I feel this way? Maybe it's just euphoria at the someting new? Do I really know what the "L" word means? How dare I even think I could say this word. These are the things that pop in my head.
Because I simply don't trust my feelings.
So, those of you that just run with it...stop beating yourselves up about it. It's such a gift that you have the ability to feel that way, whether it's everlasting or not.
As for me. I know I have the capacity to feel love. I've loved more than one person at a time and it was very difficult for me to accept that, but eventually I learned that I had that capability. I think my issue lies within my ability to express those feelings. They're there, they just have a difficult time making their way out of my heart and into verbal form.
I guess I have to work on that.
Besides.....nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Sorry, I got distracted. Back to the "L" word.
Perhaps it's because the first "romantic" (and I use that word very loosely) relationship I had in which a man told me he loved me also involved violence and assault and that's bound to warp a 17-year-old girl.
But this post isn't about that relationship, that could be an entire blog post in itself and that's for another day.
Lately I've seen a few of my twitter/blogging friends go through pain/trauma/heartbreak because of the "L" word. Is there any other word that can bring you such total euphoria and such devastating heartbreak in the space of hours?
It's funny because when you first start experiencing the L word it's all butterflies and goosebumps. Then it ends. And you try again. But the next time after the butterflies slow down you realize.....wait a minute, this is going to end at some point and it's going to hurt. And then you get to the point where you think.....if I avoid the "L" word I can avoid the pain.
I'm not one of those people. Am I closed off? Yes. Do I have a difficult time sharing my feelings? Yes. But I'm not afraid to love. Sometimes I just think I don't really know how.
Those people that fall in love after a weekend together. Those individuals that are convinced they've met a soul mate...I envy them. Even though in many cases it end(s) in heartache, sadness, drama, etc. How lucky are they that they have the ability to feel those kinds of feelings (the good ones, not the bad ones, I mean they're lucky to feel everything but I'm not jealous of the bad ones).
I even start to feel the urge to use the "L" word and I immediately stop myself. Because that's when the questions start. How on earth can I feel this way? Maybe it's just euphoria at the someting new? Do I really know what the "L" word means? How dare I even think I could say this word. These are the things that pop in my head.
Because I simply don't trust my feelings.
So, those of you that just run with it...stop beating yourselves up about it. It's such a gift that you have the ability to feel that way, whether it's everlasting or not.
As for me. I know I have the capacity to feel love. I've loved more than one person at a time and it was very difficult for me to accept that, but eventually I learned that I had that capability. I think my issue lies within my ability to express those feelings. They're there, they just have a difficult time making their way out of my heart and into verbal form.
I guess I have to work on that.
Besides.....nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Friday, March 26, 2010
See...I can grow
I think I'm going to have to drop my writing class which really sucks because a)I love writing (even though I suck) and b)I love arguing. But, each assignment and there are two a week takes three hours plus there is a paper due every Saturday. And I realized today that I don't want to spend my Friday night and Saturday writing a paper when I could be hanging with my family and doing the important Sam's Club shopping.
Plus I'm trying to relax more or at least give myself more attention, and it's the kind of attention that doesn't involve fighting or school books.
I recently read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really hit me in some areas because I could relate, a lot, with what she was feeling. It also made me think a lot about myself, relationships, my views on love, etc.
I have always prided myself on being a bit of a realist about relationships. There have been several times I've been told I think like a guy. I've always been really good at keeping my emotions separate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
One thing I've always talked about is how I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is that one true person for everyone. I mean, how can that be? I've loved some amazing men and all of them have brought something to my life. All of them have been a gift in one way or another. I might not have realized that at the time, but it's true. However, in the book she brings up a point, or I should say someone else brings up a point to her.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect ft, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."
I like that definition. Especially because there have been relationships that even though I knew it had to end it was the hardest thing to walk way from.
So, maybe I do believe in soul mates.
And I think my life is about to change.
Plus I'm trying to relax more or at least give myself more attention, and it's the kind of attention that doesn't involve fighting or school books.
I recently read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really hit me in some areas because I could relate, a lot, with what she was feeling. It also made me think a lot about myself, relationships, my views on love, etc.
I have always prided myself on being a bit of a realist about relationships. There have been several times I've been told I think like a guy. I've always been really good at keeping my emotions separate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
One thing I've always talked about is how I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is that one true person for everyone. I mean, how can that be? I've loved some amazing men and all of them have brought something to my life. All of them have been a gift in one way or another. I might not have realized that at the time, but it's true. However, in the book she brings up a point, or I should say someone else brings up a point to her.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect ft, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."
I like that definition. Especially because there have been relationships that even though I knew it had to end it was the hardest thing to walk way from.
So, maybe I do believe in soul mates.
And I think my life is about to change.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Good thing I look good in purple
So.....I'm fighting.
On April 24th.
I'm scared.
I hate to lose.
But I'm afraid I will, cuz somebody has to.
I've been training hard and I'm literally covered in bruises.
Why do I do this again?
On April 24th.
I'm scared.
I hate to lose.
But I'm afraid I will, cuz somebody has to.
I've been training hard and I'm literally covered in bruises.
Why do I do this again?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
My Vagina never met a wand it didn't like
Last May when I had my annual appointment my doctor asked me to consider stopping the Depo Provera shots. I had been using Depo for about ten years because of severe endometriosis. She was worried about the long term effects, specifically it can cause bone loss. She gave me some info and asked me to consult a specific OB/GYN, which I finally did today. Yeah, so I'm a few months behind schedule.
I have had a bone density scan and show no signs of bone loss. The physician today did a fairly thorough exam including a pelvic ultrasound. He actually said, and I quote, "your ovaries are dormant." LMAO, well I hope so. It just sounds sad though....Dormant Ovaries.
Anyways, he says ultimately it's my decision. Nobody knows what the real long term effects of depo provera are but there is some concern because of my family history of breast cancer. The frustrating thing is I have no idea how much longer I would be on it. My mom had a hysterectomy in her thirties so my sister and I have no idea about when to expect menopause.
I can't believe I'm thinking about when I'll start menopause. That is soooooooo depressing.
What we, or I, decided is that I would take a depo break for awhile. It's possible that the time on the depo has helped and when my period finally starts back up it won't be too traumatic in terms of, well, everything. He's scheduled me to come back in September because I should be on a somewhat regular cycle by then
The downside is that there are two things that occur when I'm not on the depo. My sex drive increases, which really isn't helpful right now.....and my breasts tend to swell, and not in a good way. I'm already a D cup and in the past it's been pretty painful. For those of you who have given birth, imagine what it's like when your milk comes in or when you're trying to dry up. Yep, it's like that, but without the milk.
So, for now, I'll just hang and see what happens. I'm due for my next injection next month so I won't be getting that. Hopefully it won't ruin my summer.
Or yours.
I have had a bone density scan and show no signs of bone loss. The physician today did a fairly thorough exam including a pelvic ultrasound. He actually said, and I quote, "your ovaries are dormant." LMAO, well I hope so. It just sounds sad though....Dormant Ovaries.
Anyways, he says ultimately it's my decision. Nobody knows what the real long term effects of depo provera are but there is some concern because of my family history of breast cancer. The frustrating thing is I have no idea how much longer I would be on it. My mom had a hysterectomy in her thirties so my sister and I have no idea about when to expect menopause.
I can't believe I'm thinking about when I'll start menopause. That is soooooooo depressing.
What we, or I, decided is that I would take a depo break for awhile. It's possible that the time on the depo has helped and when my period finally starts back up it won't be too traumatic in terms of, well, everything. He's scheduled me to come back in September because I should be on a somewhat regular cycle by then
The downside is that there are two things that occur when I'm not on the depo. My sex drive increases, which really isn't helpful right now.....and my breasts tend to swell, and not in a good way. I'm already a D cup and in the past it's been pretty painful. For those of you who have given birth, imagine what it's like when your milk comes in or when you're trying to dry up. Yep, it's like that, but without the milk.
So, for now, I'll just hang and see what happens. I'm due for my next injection next month so I won't be getting that. Hopefully it won't ruin my summer.
Or yours.
Monday, March 08, 2010
Alone in the Ring
To answer a question left after my previous posting, yes, I do have someone to talk to. I've been seeing a therapist for a little over a year now. At first to deal with a lot of issues after my mom died, but naturally it's evolved into what I'm going through now.
When I left my last appointment my therapist pointed out that I had three options. None of these options included the one I wanted to hear which was 'go back to pretending like everything was perfect.' None of the three options are ones that I can easily live with. So right now I'm in limbo. I hate limbo. I like to have a plan. I like to problem solve.
But I can't solve this.
The worst part is that my level of self-esteem has completely plummeted. Before, when I was stressed out I could take it to the dojo. Work out my grief, my sorrow, my anger, on a heavy bag or in sparring. But now, I have no confidence in the ring. I argue with myself just to get the desire to spar. I discussed this with my trainer today, which was difficult, because even though I'm the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve I have a difficult time sharing my feelings. And this situation, brings me shame and I don't want anyone's pity. He's understanding of the situation and encouraging, which I do appreciate.
I've just turned into this weepy girly person that I hate. And I don't know how to shake it. It's driving me nuts.
Plus I'm sick. I've had some stress (duh) and it's positioned itself right between my shoulder blades. Every morning for the last couple of weeks when I've gotten up in the morning, it's been unbelievably tight and painful. Last Friday my trainer worked out some of the kinks, which I believe released some toxins. By Friday night I was starting to feel sick and by Saturday morning I had the worst head cold. Sunday I had a massage scheduled to work out the rest of the kink so I then spent part of Sunday night very ill (I'll leave out the details) and now I feel worse. It was a necessary evil, but worth it because even though I'm all congested, my shoulder blades feel better.
When I left my last appointment my therapist pointed out that I had three options. None of these options included the one I wanted to hear which was 'go back to pretending like everything was perfect.' None of the three options are ones that I can easily live with. So right now I'm in limbo. I hate limbo. I like to have a plan. I like to problem solve.
But I can't solve this.
The worst part is that my level of self-esteem has completely plummeted. Before, when I was stressed out I could take it to the dojo. Work out my grief, my sorrow, my anger, on a heavy bag or in sparring. But now, I have no confidence in the ring. I argue with myself just to get the desire to spar. I discussed this with my trainer today, which was difficult, because even though I'm the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve I have a difficult time sharing my feelings. And this situation, brings me shame and I don't want anyone's pity. He's understanding of the situation and encouraging, which I do appreciate.
I've just turned into this weepy girly person that I hate. And I don't know how to shake it. It's driving me nuts.
Plus I'm sick. I've had some stress (duh) and it's positioned itself right between my shoulder blades. Every morning for the last couple of weeks when I've gotten up in the morning, it's been unbelievably tight and painful. Last Friday my trainer worked out some of the kinks, which I believe released some toxins. By Friday night I was starting to feel sick and by Saturday morning I had the worst head cold. Sunday I had a massage scheduled to work out the rest of the kink so I then spent part of Sunday night very ill (I'll leave out the details) and now I feel worse. It was a necessary evil, but worth it because even though I'm all congested, my shoulder blades feel better.
Monday, March 01, 2010
What Happened to My Fairytale?
I haven't been wanting to blog. In fact I briefly considered deleting it entirely, but I've done that before with my previous blog and I really regret it.
The few people that comment consistently on my blog always mention that they enjoy it because I'm honest. I don't blog with all anecdotes about my life and try to make it sound funny. My life isn't morose by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just not that type of blogger. I blog just as a means to an end. It's a way to get the stuff that's in my head out of my head.
However, right now, I'm dealing with some issues that exist between my husband and I. And as much as I feel the need to let it all out, I just can't do that here. Out of respect for him and our marriage, these issues do not need to be part of the internet.
I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure if our relationship will survive the issues we're dealing with. This much isn't a secret.
I think that at this juncture, we will survive, but only if I change what I want/expect/need from our relationship and that's easier said than done. I'm the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve. It's nearly impossible to hide how I feel so I've spent the past three weeks pretty torn up.
One way or the other I"ll be ok.
The few people that comment consistently on my blog always mention that they enjoy it because I'm honest. I don't blog with all anecdotes about my life and try to make it sound funny. My life isn't morose by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just not that type of blogger. I blog just as a means to an end. It's a way to get the stuff that's in my head out of my head.
However, right now, I'm dealing with some issues that exist between my husband and I. And as much as I feel the need to let it all out, I just can't do that here. Out of respect for him and our marriage, these issues do not need to be part of the internet.
I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure if our relationship will survive the issues we're dealing with. This much isn't a secret.
I think that at this juncture, we will survive, but only if I change what I want/expect/need from our relationship and that's easier said than done. I'm the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve. It's nearly impossible to hide how I feel so I've spent the past three weeks pretty torn up.
One way or the other I"ll be ok.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Not Ready To Love
I know, I haven't updated lately. It's been rough and I've been having a bad time lately and I haven't really wanted to write about it.
I just feel like a hideous horrible unworthy person.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't think I"m a good person. I don't feel like a good mom. I don't feel like a good wife.
The truth is I have to deal with these feelings but every time I start to I just push it aside.
I just wish I knew how to be less angry all the time.
Ever feel you're on the edge of a cliff and the way to save yourself is just right there out of your reach...just outside the reach of your fingertips.
That's how I feel.
I just feel like a hideous horrible unworthy person.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't think I"m a good person. I don't feel like a good mom. I don't feel like a good wife.
The truth is I have to deal with these feelings but every time I start to I just push it aside.
I just wish I knew how to be less angry all the time.
Ever feel you're on the edge of a cliff and the way to save yourself is just right there out of your reach...just outside the reach of your fingertips.
That's how I feel.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Training to be a better person
I can't believe how relaxed I have been since I've changed my activities to match my priorities. Seems like a simple enough concept. Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
I've restarted my training and so far since last Friday I've been five times, woohoo! I did spar on Saturday and got my ass kicked, and that's putting it mildly. I was supposed to spar on Sunday also, but just couldn't do it. I hurt beyond belief....both physically and mentally. I'm going to try again this Sunday.
God help me.
Speaking of God. I found a prayer journal that belonged to my mom. It's one of those daily journals. Apparently she only got to January 1st :). Like mother like daughter. Perhaps I'll pick up where she left off. Hopefully I'll get farther than one day.
Other than that, not a lot else going on. There is something big happening at work but I can't go into it here. Maybe after it all gets resolved.
I've restarted my training and so far since last Friday I've been five times, woohoo! I did spar on Saturday and got my ass kicked, and that's putting it mildly. I was supposed to spar on Sunday also, but just couldn't do it. I hurt beyond belief....both physically and mentally. I'm going to try again this Sunday.
God help me.
Speaking of God. I found a prayer journal that belonged to my mom. It's one of those daily journals. Apparently she only got to January 1st :). Like mother like daughter. Perhaps I'll pick up where she left off. Hopefully I'll get farther than one day.
Other than that, not a lot else going on. There is something big happening at work but I can't go into it here. Maybe after it all gets resolved.
Friday, January 29, 2010
See...I can learn
After my epiphany the other night I've spent the past few nights really doing some thinking.
I've been living this crazy active super busy lifestyle since I was sixteen. I've never known anything else. I realized that I don't want to be super busy any longer. But...here's the kicker. If I'm not constantly busy, doing things, I feel worthless. My busy schedule is how I gauge my self-worth. I know, I'm clearly insane. Then I spent some time trying to figure out how to reprioritize my life. Here's where I am -
My relationship with God
My Family
My Training
My Job (yes, it's number four - it pays for the training)
School
Everything else
Here's how my life was being lived:
Work
School
Family
Training
My relationship with God
See a problem?
Here's what I'm doing:
My relationship with God - I do need to go to church more, but more importantly than that I need to take more time to develop a personal relationship. I need to read the Bible more and spend some quiet time in prayer.
My family - Sunday is supposed to be family day (well, except for Super Bowl, because the kids aren't into football) but lately I spend Sunday trying to catch up on everything I didn't have time to do during the week, including homework. So, Sunday is back to family day (except every other Sunday morning I do spar), don't judge.
Training - Even my trainer said today, I was happiest when I was training hard core. I miss it so so I went back at it full strength today. My trainer wants to put me on the list for our fight night in April, not sure I'll be ready though. Either way it feels good to be back. Besides I'm up 15 lbs since my surgery and I can't have that.
Work - Yeah, work is important. It pays for the training and the things I do with my family. And...it gives me self-worth, yeah I know I need to work on that.
School - Yes it's so important I finish. But taking ten units while working full time is just, well, stupid. So, I dropped the statistics class this semester and I'm at a happy six units. So, it might take me a little longer, but I'll get there. I'm still taking off a bit early two days a week so I can come home and do some homework.
When I made these decisions a couple of things happened. First, my stress level went down SIGNIFICANTLY. I've slept more this week than I have since I don't know when. Second, I immediately started to think about what I could get done with this new free time. Then I had to slap myself.
The hard part is trying to figure out where I learned that my self worth is defined by how hard I push myself to accomplish the impossible.
My therapist is going to work with me on this, but she's proud I've discovered all of this by myself.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
E=mc who cares
It's not that I don't like school, because I do. I love school. I do hate that I've never finished college. I mean I REALLY hate it. It makes me feel really stupid.
:
When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago carrying 10-12 units wasn't that big of a deal because I was only working 24 hours a week. But then a year ago everything went down at my office and I went from a 24 hour a week medical biller to a 50- 60 hour a week office manager for a six physician practice.
So this semester I decided to go back. I'm carrying ten units, although one of my classes doesn't start until March. Last week because I got sick as all heck I missed a week of my statistics class and I'm so behind it hurts. A week of statistics is like seven human years, or something like that.
And I'm tired. This is an example of what Tuesdays are like for me. I'm at work by 7:15, work until 3, drive to school. Have class until 6pm. Drive back to Long Beach. Pic up Beav, come home, eat dinner, do homework. Thursday is the same except I drive to Long Beach and go to the dojo and take the 6:30 class.
And that's another thing. It really cuts into my training time and I miss training.
It sounds like I'm whining, doesn't it? Well I'm just trying to talk myself out of feeling like a loser if I drop the statistics class. The truth is though I have to have this class so I still have to take it. I'm just frustrated knowing that it's taking forever to get this done.
But is the important thing...isn't that I'm trying to get it done?
Truth is, I'm 41 and I work really hard. I don't want to spend my entire weekends doing homework. Not when I have a family here that I want to spend time with.
Yep, I'm totally rationalizing.
And I still feel like a loser.
:
When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago carrying 10-12 units wasn't that big of a deal because I was only working 24 hours a week. But then a year ago everything went down at my office and I went from a 24 hour a week medical biller to a 50- 60 hour a week office manager for a six physician practice.
So this semester I decided to go back. I'm carrying ten units, although one of my classes doesn't start until March. Last week because I got sick as all heck I missed a week of my statistics class and I'm so behind it hurts. A week of statistics is like seven human years, or something like that.
And I'm tired. This is an example of what Tuesdays are like for me. I'm at work by 7:15, work until 3, drive to school. Have class until 6pm. Drive back to Long Beach. Pic up Beav, come home, eat dinner, do homework. Thursday is the same except I drive to Long Beach and go to the dojo and take the 6:30 class.
And that's another thing. It really cuts into my training time and I miss training.
It sounds like I'm whining, doesn't it? Well I'm just trying to talk myself out of feeling like a loser if I drop the statistics class. The truth is though I have to have this class so I still have to take it. I'm just frustrated knowing that it's taking forever to get this done.
But is the important thing...isn't that I'm trying to get it done?
Truth is, I'm 41 and I work really hard. I don't want to spend my entire weekends doing homework. Not when I have a family here that I want to spend time with.
Yep, I'm totally rationalizing.
And I still feel like a loser.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Thursday Ten
I've done Thursday Ten before which I copied from Sarah, who is a cool chick and said it was ok. Thought I would try it again.
1. Wow this post got me four comments, woohoo! That's a lot for me. Nice to know what I said actually touched a cord with some people. I will have to post more on that subject and how messed up I am in my relationship with God.
2. My children are expensive. This week alone I have paid for - $300 registration fee for Einstein at NAU, $220 flight to Flagstaff to visit NAU, $953 - PARTIAL PAYMENT for Beav's eighth grade trip to DC, $100 deposit for Einstein's class ring, announcements, cap/gown.
3. I am thankful that I can afford to do the things above. Truly thankful. My parent's didn't even encourage me to go to college and I'm so unbelievably proud of Einstein. And I've never been to DC or New York and both my kids will have been there.
4. My ex husband is meeting me in Arizona and we're driving together to Flagstaff to visit the school and attend orientation. It's cool that we can do things like that. A little weird, but cool. I know a lot of divorced couples who could never handle it. His dad really, I think, wanted him to attend school in state but I think Einstein is ready to get a little distance from home.
5. I'm a total type A personality. Lists for everything, everything has a place....yet Beav is a complete and total slob. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. He just can't keep his things together or tidy. I'm torn between just accepting that is who he is and determined to get him to clean up a bit.
6. I have not worked out all week because of this STUPID cold. Spoke to my trainer yesterday, well tried to anyway with a very squeaky voice. He kept telling me that my phone was cutting out, "that's not my phone, that's my voice." He then told me to stay away from the dojo until I was better. That place, when it gets all steamy and sweaty inside, is like a bathhouse for germs. If nothing I'll be there tomorrow for my private. He's good at creating workouts around whatever is going on with me.
7. I'm happy to be back in school, however, not happy I have a statistics quiz today. That stuff is hard, especially right now because it's all about definitions and terms and I have this stupid cold and my head hurts all the time. Our teacher is swedish, I think, and half of what she says is difficult to understand. Half the time I look around at the younger students and think to myself "did she really wear that to school/when did I turn into my mother?" One day last week over half the class were wearing flannel shirts. Talk about a trend.
8. I have no plans for the weekend ahead. Woohoo. Was thinking of buying tickets for the rodeo but with hubby feeling sick not sure he'll be up to it. Bull riding is not one of my favorite rodeo sports, I prefer bronco busting, but I'll take what I can get.
9. Speaking of hubby being sick, I'm a total loser. I was really out of it for two days, hubby had to do pretty much everything. Now that he is sick I totally lack empathy. It's something I seriously need to change about myself. I have no patience for illness. His cold has turbo-charged his snoring so the lack of sleep for the past two nights isn't helping me at all. I need to pray for patience.
10. Looked through some of my past posts and wow have some things seriously changed in my life and I have to say, mostly for the good. Yay me! I also need to clean up my layout. I'm totally not a mommy blogger..some of those gals are kinda mean to each other. I'm happy over here in my little blog world with my four commenters.
Have a great day.
1. Wow this post got me four comments, woohoo! That's a lot for me. Nice to know what I said actually touched a cord with some people. I will have to post more on that subject and how messed up I am in my relationship with God.
2. My children are expensive. This week alone I have paid for - $300 registration fee for Einstein at NAU, $220 flight to Flagstaff to visit NAU, $953 - PARTIAL PAYMENT for Beav's eighth grade trip to DC, $100 deposit for Einstein's class ring, announcements, cap/gown.
3. I am thankful that I can afford to do the things above. Truly thankful. My parent's didn't even encourage me to go to college and I'm so unbelievably proud of Einstein. And I've never been to DC or New York and both my kids will have been there.
4. My ex husband is meeting me in Arizona and we're driving together to Flagstaff to visit the school and attend orientation. It's cool that we can do things like that. A little weird, but cool. I know a lot of divorced couples who could never handle it. His dad really, I think, wanted him to attend school in state but I think Einstein is ready to get a little distance from home.
5. I'm a total type A personality. Lists for everything, everything has a place....yet Beav is a complete and total slob. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. He just can't keep his things together or tidy. I'm torn between just accepting that is who he is and determined to get him to clean up a bit.
6. I have not worked out all week because of this STUPID cold. Spoke to my trainer yesterday, well tried to anyway with a very squeaky voice. He kept telling me that my phone was cutting out, "that's not my phone, that's my voice." He then told me to stay away from the dojo until I was better. That place, when it gets all steamy and sweaty inside, is like a bathhouse for germs. If nothing I'll be there tomorrow for my private. He's good at creating workouts around whatever is going on with me.
7. I'm happy to be back in school, however, not happy I have a statistics quiz today. That stuff is hard, especially right now because it's all about definitions and terms and I have this stupid cold and my head hurts all the time. Our teacher is swedish, I think, and half of what she says is difficult to understand. Half the time I look around at the younger students and think to myself "did she really wear that to school/when did I turn into my mother?" One day last week over half the class were wearing flannel shirts. Talk about a trend.
8. I have no plans for the weekend ahead. Woohoo. Was thinking of buying tickets for the rodeo but with hubby feeling sick not sure he'll be up to it. Bull riding is not one of my favorite rodeo sports, I prefer bronco busting, but I'll take what I can get.
9. Speaking of hubby being sick, I'm a total loser. I was really out of it for two days, hubby had to do pretty much everything. Now that he is sick I totally lack empathy. It's something I seriously need to change about myself. I have no patience for illness. His cold has turbo-charged his snoring so the lack of sleep for the past two nights isn't helping me at all. I need to pray for patience.
10. Looked through some of my past posts and wow have some things seriously changed in my life and I have to say, mostly for the good. Yay me! I also need to clean up my layout. I'm totally not a mommy blogger..some of those gals are kinda mean to each other. I'm happy over here in my little blog world with my four commenters.
Have a great day.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Felt so much better after my last post.
Now if I could just rid myself of this head cold. It's seriously kicking my ass. Missed kickboxing and sparring this morning because the thought of getting hit in my head just was too much. Since right now it feels THIS BIG. 
Besides, I miss sparring.....believe it or not. My trainer doesn't believe it because I haven't had time to drag my sorry ass in on Saturday morning. If I can manage to breathe through my nose tomorrow morning I plan to be there.
Another reason I need to go is that old saying "feed a cold...." because I appear to have taken that quite literally. Seriously, I can't get enough to eat. It's the oddest thing. On the plus side my shoulder is coming along nicely. It's still sore and hurts but more often when I don't work out which is a good sign.
Thanks to feeling so miserable I haven't gotten anything done today that I planned to do. But, tonight is our girlfriend dinner and I"ll be damned if I miss that. Sis-in-law is headed here at four so we can go over together so I have until then to feel halfway normal.
Tomorrow the family is hoping to see Sherlock Holmes as long as I don't sneeze my way through the movie.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Coming out of the closet or why you should unfollow me
Pat Robertson is an idiot. That being said and out of the way there are some other things I have to get off my chest.
Ever since the aforementioned idiot once again opened his mouth I've seen all kinds of verbal/twitter attacks against Christians as a whole. And I don't understand why this is ok. This morning someone I follow/followED on twitter went as far as to say right-wingers/conservatives, etc hated colored people..yada yada yada you get the idea.
I grew up in church and then I quit going for a very long time. I realized that I only went because it was habit. Because that's what my parents did. I quit because I realized I wasn't going because I had any kind of real relationship with Christ. Over the past few years that's been changing.
I am a Christian. The born again kind. I'm not the best Christian I can be. I make a lot of mistakes and I'm finding my way down this road. I don't consider myself religious or part of a religion although I do go to a Baptist church. I consider myself a Christian. I accept the Bible as truth, I've accepted Christ as my saviour, I'm a sinner.
I'm also NOT a registered republican. I don't stand outside abortion clinics with pictures of unborn babies. Personally I feel that if you're standing outside an abortion clinic protesting you better be part of the solution. You better have adopted or fostered an unwanted child. You better be supporting an orphanage. You better be doing something to help solve the problem other than standing on a sidewalk and yelling at people
I pretty much feel that way about all kinds of, what I'll refer to as social causes. I attend a church that invests a lot of time and money in local organizations catering to homeless people and foster children. The woman that leads the charge with foster children adopted five of them. Those are the people I prefer to know. People who are part of the solution. My brother, a missionary, is currently organizing a trip to Haiti. He has a heart for Uganda and has been there already. He is part of the solution.
In the past few months I've been slowly awakening to what is required to call myself a Christian. I've been keeping it to myself because and I'm so ashamed to admit this, what if I twitter or facebook about my relationship with Christ and people don't want to be my friend?
I am ashamed. Because seriously, if you can't look past a label and see who I am as a person why would I want you to be my friend? Because I'm a pretty cool chick. I've done some bad things. I've done things I'm ashamed of. And I do a lot of good things and I'm hoping that I do more good in the future and less of the things I'm ashamed of.
So for the record here it is. I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't hate minorities, I'm pro-choice and every once in a while I like a good cigar. I like to read the Bible and I accept it as truth. I have piercings and tattoos. I swear, but I am trying to stop.
But most importantly I try to part of the solution. Soapboxes are easy to stand on working towards a solution is a lot more difficult.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot....I married a right-wing, conservative, Republican. For the record he also doesn't hate gays, minorities, he's pro-choice, but he hates cigars :)
Ever since the aforementioned idiot once again opened his mouth I've seen all kinds of verbal/twitter attacks against Christians as a whole. And I don't understand why this is ok. This morning someone I follow/followED on twitter went as far as to say right-wingers/conservatives, etc hated colored people..yada yada yada you get the idea.
I grew up in church and then I quit going for a very long time. I realized that I only went because it was habit. Because that's what my parents did. I quit because I realized I wasn't going because I had any kind of real relationship with Christ. Over the past few years that's been changing.
I am a Christian. The born again kind. I'm not the best Christian I can be. I make a lot of mistakes and I'm finding my way down this road. I don't consider myself religious or part of a religion although I do go to a Baptist church. I consider myself a Christian. I accept the Bible as truth, I've accepted Christ as my saviour, I'm a sinner.
I'm also NOT a registered republican. I don't stand outside abortion clinics with pictures of unborn babies. Personally I feel that if you're standing outside an abortion clinic protesting you better be part of the solution. You better have adopted or fostered an unwanted child. You better be supporting an orphanage. You better be doing something to help solve the problem other than standing on a sidewalk and yelling at people
I pretty much feel that way about all kinds of, what I'll refer to as social causes. I attend a church that invests a lot of time and money in local organizations catering to homeless people and foster children. The woman that leads the charge with foster children adopted five of them. Those are the people I prefer to know. People who are part of the solution. My brother, a missionary, is currently organizing a trip to Haiti. He has a heart for Uganda and has been there already. He is part of the solution.
In the past few months I've been slowly awakening to what is required to call myself a Christian. I've been keeping it to myself because and I'm so ashamed to admit this, what if I twitter or facebook about my relationship with Christ and people don't want to be my friend?
I am ashamed. Because seriously, if you can't look past a label and see who I am as a person why would I want you to be my friend? Because I'm a pretty cool chick. I've done some bad things. I've done things I'm ashamed of. And I do a lot of good things and I'm hoping that I do more good in the future and less of the things I'm ashamed of.
So for the record here it is. I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't hate minorities, I'm pro-choice and every once in a while I like a good cigar. I like to read the Bible and I accept it as truth. I have piercings and tattoos. I swear, but I am trying to stop.
But most importantly I try to part of the solution. Soapboxes are easy to stand on working towards a solution is a lot more difficult.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot....I married a right-wing, conservative, Republican. For the record he also doesn't hate gays, minorities, he's pro-choice, but he hates cigars :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Why I'm a twit
Dear faithful readers (all three of you). I've just taken my antibiotics for a wonderful ear infection that I've had the luck to come down with the same week I start back at school. Because I obviously don't have enough to worry about.
I should be in bed....and that is my next stop but this post has been sitting in my head for a few days so time to get it out.
I've been on twitter for well over a year now. I thoroughly enjoy it and tweet often. I keep my tweets locked and I find that the same people keep asking permission to follow me...and it got me to thinking about why they want to follow me.
I understand that a lot of people tweet for marketing purposes, to help grow their businesses, etc. I don't. I tweet because I enjoy the people I "meet" via twitter. A lot of the people I follow on twitter also blog and their blogs are on my reader page. Twitter brings me into contact with a lot of people that, in all honesty, in real life I might not be friends with. People who think completely different than I do...people who really add to my life by sharing their insights on different subjects. Simply put I love twitter because I love meeting new people.
That being said, I do follow some people based purely on hobbies or things I enjoy doing. I follow a lot of people on twitter because of their association with wine or wineries. The majority of these individuals I never have discussions with but I find their tweets useful.
When someone does reply to me on twitter I often make the effort to reply back. Although sometimes there just isn't anything I can add to the conversation. There are many times though that I've replied to others and have NEVER received a response. Those are the people I drop because a)they're not interested in twitter relationships; b)they don't follow me; or c)they follow just way too many people.
I also admit that there are times, and there have been many, when my fellow tweeters have really helped me through rough spots. The online twitter friendships I have made because of common issues of grief have been godsends to me on really rough days.
I'm really not sure what the point of this post is but I just felt I needed to say it. For me twitter and/or F@cebook isn't a popularity contest. Instead it's just a great way for me to socialize with other people. And if you're one of them I thank you.
I should be in bed....and that is my next stop but this post has been sitting in my head for a few days so time to get it out.
I've been on twitter for well over a year now. I thoroughly enjoy it and tweet often. I keep my tweets locked and I find that the same people keep asking permission to follow me...and it got me to thinking about why they want to follow me.
I understand that a lot of people tweet for marketing purposes, to help grow their businesses, etc. I don't. I tweet because I enjoy the people I "meet" via twitter. A lot of the people I follow on twitter also blog and their blogs are on my reader page. Twitter brings me into contact with a lot of people that, in all honesty, in real life I might not be friends with. People who think completely different than I do...people who really add to my life by sharing their insights on different subjects. Simply put I love twitter because I love meeting new people.
That being said, I do follow some people based purely on hobbies or things I enjoy doing. I follow a lot of people on twitter because of their association with wine or wineries. The majority of these individuals I never have discussions with but I find their tweets useful.
When someone does reply to me on twitter I often make the effort to reply back. Although sometimes there just isn't anything I can add to the conversation. There are many times though that I've replied to others and have NEVER received a response. Those are the people I drop because a)they're not interested in twitter relationships; b)they don't follow me; or c)they follow just way too many people.
I also admit that there are times, and there have been many, when my fellow tweeters have really helped me through rough spots. The online twitter friendships I have made because of common issues of grief have been godsends to me on really rough days.
I'm really not sure what the point of this post is but I just felt I needed to say it. For me twitter and/or F@cebook isn't a popularity contest. Instead it's just a great way for me to socialize with other people. And if you're one of them I thank you.
Friday, January 01, 2010
My Plans for 2010
Even though I don't do resolutions there are a number of things that I would like to accomplish this year. Here's my list so far:
1. Read The Purpose Driven Life which has been sitting next to my bed for a year!
2. Finish all the classes I need to transfer to four year.
3. Apply to four year university (and hopefully get accepted)
4. Spend a weekend away with my husband at least once every four months.
5. Become a certified coder.
6. Join the Kiwanis. I've aged out of the overachievers and I miss community service.
7. Take cooking classes....I just want to be better.
8. Go with Einstein to an out of state Nascar race (preferably Talladega or Daytona).
1. Read The Purpose Driven Life which has been sitting next to my bed for a year!
2. Finish all the classes I need to transfer to four year.
3. Apply to four year university (and hopefully get accepted)
4. Spend a weekend away with my husband at least once every four months.
5. Become a certified coder.
6. Join the Kiwanis. I've aged out of the overachievers and I miss community service.
7. Take cooking classes....I just want to be better.
8. Go with Einstein to an out of state Nascar race (preferably Talladega or Daytona).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)