Divacowgirl - New and Improved

New Home

2011-05-13T21:50:00.001-07:00

So...I'm here now. So please update.

Proud Momma

2011-03-25T09:09:00.001-07:00

This is a video that Beav is working on for the GSA club at school. It's not finished, but I'm very proud.

Fight Night I - Tamara vs Denise.wmv

2010-05-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

Just a little Vent

2010-05-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

I was going to write about women faking orgasms..but something happened today that pretty much pissed me off and I need to get it off my chest.

Hubby, up until today, was a columnist on a local online news website. This news source and I use the term "news" loosely decided that since the budget was such a hot topic and everyone is grumbling about where the money is going, yada, yada, yada, that they would create a program in which you could plug in a city employee's name and find out what they earned last year.

What the fuck? (excuse the french)

So you put in the city employee's name and it comes up something like this:

Divacowgirl's husband

Salary Overtime Total
xx,xxx xx,xxx xxx,xxx

I'm sure many would say, well what's wrong with that? It should be public knowledge. And perhaps it should. It is, actually information available to the public, should they request it. However, it's inaccurate. Let me explain why.

I'll use the hubby as an example He works with a specific department. He supervises officers that are part of a special detail. (You'll have to excuse my vagueness but it is a matter of privacy and safety) Half of his salary isn't paid by the city. It's paid by a completely different entity. It is also part of anti-terrorism and is supported by grants. Now...overtime. Hubby normally works overtime for one of two reasons. Lots of filming is done here in Long Beach. They use PD as a form of security during filming. He also works a DUI checkpoint once a month. The company doing the filming...they pay the costs of the officers working. The DUI checkpoint is covered by a federal grant. One checkpoint a month for a year, that is what each grant covers.

This featured "story" doesn't include any of this information. Nor does it include the amount of money the hubby pays in union dues, equipment, healthcare to cover his family, etc.

My husband took the editors to task on the story and they admit it's meant to encourage discussion. I'm not sure how giving readers a small part of something is supposed to be helpful in any way, shape, or form.

And not that he needs defending but my hubby works hard. And he works twenty-four seven. His phone rings at all times, and he answers and if he's not at the office he takes care of what needs to be done and doesn't even turn in those hours.

I just don't understand why my kid's teachers, my employees, my neighbor.....needs to know what my husband earns.

Will people look at me differently once they see my husband makes six figures? Because I'm still the woman that drives a 1995 Jeep Wrangler, doesn't have a television in her bedroom, is paying off a gazillion in student loans, and rents a house.

Not only that but does anyone consider that some people take this information a litle too personally? Isn't law enforcement's job difficult enough without throwing this into the mix. Comments on this website have already included personal attacks naming specific officers.

How is that helpful?

There are those who might say that perhaps then husband shouldn't be in this job if this issue is a concern. In fact, that's what one of his former editors told him. That's akin to saying that celebrities have no right to privacy because that's the life they chose.

I call bullshit.

I'm gonna take this itty bitty world by storm and I'm just gettin warm

2010-04-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

My placeholder topics...time to get to them.

Monday night I had a board meeting and only half showed up. Of the missing half, I probably heard from less than half of them and I was slightly irritated. So when I got home I fired off an email to the entire board on email etiquette. Seriously, respond to my emails. I don't care even if it's to tell me fuck off, at least then I know you got it. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how busy you are. We are all busy. However, when you make a commitment to something, follow it through. I was tired, I had more important things to do then lead a board meeting where half the people don't bother to show up or let me know they can't make it.

I feel better now.

Einstein is graduating in a month and a half. I have this irrational fear he's going to leave home and never come back. This is my baby people. I don't know what I'm going to do without him here. I get sad thinking about it. On one hand, I'm so proud of the man he's becoming. On the other hand he's still that four year old boy with his face painted.

Winning a fight is amazing. Winning a fight against your very best friend really sucks. There is no planet where doing that again would be acceptable. It's even hard to celebrate because my victory means defeat to someone I really care about.

I briefly debated about attending a three day conference Saturday - Monday. On one hand, excellent trainings, lots of opportunities to earn extra units, BUT, this is my first weekend off since my fight and I know that three days of meetings will exhaust me and I am just now recovering from the fight. So, I think it's important to know when to say no, and I'm saying no.

Title from LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out"

Wordless Wednesday, Farmer's Market

2010-04-28T07:17:00.001-07:00

Placeholder

2010-04-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

This is just a placeholder because it is past my bedtime and I don't have time to really post.

But - I seriously need to talk about how I sent a stern email to my board tonight. Let's see who I piss off.

How the closer Einstein gets to graduating the more panicked I get.

How I am seriously really never fighting again, cuz that was just crazy.

And please, someone help me decide about this conference this weekend.

I did it!

2010-04-25T18:14:00.000-07:00

Posted fight night pics here.

I'm not sure I ever want to do that again. First off, fighting your very best friend is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Those of you reading my blog know I've trained two years for this. I was going to fight in the fall of 08, but my mom passed. Then I was going to fight this time last year and I cracked my rib.

Yesterday I spent the day in panic. It wasn't winning or losing that bothered me. It wasn't forgetting all my training. It was worry about my endurance. And it was a well founded worry because about a minute into it my heart was beating so hard it was hurting. All I could think about was the pre-fight talk we had in which someone mentioned nobody had ever left the ring on a gurney and I could be the first.

But I did last all three rounds. And I won. But it was hard. I almost broke into tears at the end of the fight. Everything I've been through in the last year and a half. It was as if it culminated in this fight. There was so much stuff going on in my head. It's all still there and I'm fairly sure that as soon as I have a moment alone I'm going to fall apart.

I'm so thankful that my brothers surprised me by being here. And so many of my friends were there to cheer me on. I have to tell you that the crowd makes a big difference. Hearing them react, cheer, etc. it's really motivating.

But I really couldn't have done this without my best friend and my fighting opponent. We've been through so much together and for both of us this has been a very tough road. We started kickboxing together and have been there for each other every step of the way.

I'm proud of myself. I think I surprised a lot of people. I surprised myself.

Videos are posted here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4k6dHrn-Qg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCXTAbs443Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v93St4qWt2k

Fight Night Pics

2010-04-25T18:10:00.001-07:00

2010-04-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have a few days until my fight. You would think that those around me would understand the last thing I need is more stress. However, that doesn't seem to be the case.

It's been a rough morning and lack of rest isn't helping. A good cry a little while ago didn't seem to help either.

And I've been painfully reminded that looking to someone else for support, understanding, etc is a total waste of my time. The only person I can truly trust is myself. Coming out of my shell, while a bit liberating, appears to be a bad decision.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You can bend but never break me, 'Cause it only serves to make me, More determined to reach my final goal

2010-04-20T20:34:00.000-07:00

Only a few days until my fight, panic is definitely settling in. Just a little though. At this point I just want it over. The level of training is exhausting. I'm exhausted. And old.

Everybody talks about it doesn't matter who wins or loses, nobody remembers later who won, yada yada yada, and I know they're right. I've watched three fights at the dojo and I can't tell you who won or lost.

I'm just tired. And I want my life back. One that doesn't involve being at the dojo when I'm not at work. Don't get me wrong I love my muscle tone, but the constant training, always being sore, the u shaped bruise on my ass, it's just too much.

Plus I feel so behind at work. I've been plugging away all day yesterday and today trying hard to catch up. I'm behind in every other area. Poor Beav has had to remind me for the past three days to pick up his prescription and I have yet to remember to do it.

I was hoping to get in a trip home the second weekend of May but then I realized that it's Mother's day and it's probably not recommended that Mother's spend a weekend away from their children, or maybe it is, lol However, I would have a hard time explaining to my siblings why I don't have my children with me.

I do need to get home soon. I've been very homesick. But I'm not sure when I'll have the time. I've planned a weekend away with Beav and Einstein the weekend before Memorial Day (which will mainly involve sun, swimsuits, and water) and then in June I am making another trek to Flagstaff with Einstein and then we leave on our annual week long camping trip.

My summer seems to be getting off to a fun and busy start. I feel a bit energized now that I've been thinking about the fun stuff coming up.

Title taken from Helen Reddy's "I am Woman"

Fuck Cancer

2010-04-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Every morning when I wake up one of the first things I do on the crackberry is check email, and then my twitter and facebook feeds. This morning I woke to find Leah's tweet that Bob had lost his battle with cancer. My heart aches for this family and I'm praying that God gives them strength and just wraps them in his arms of love.

I feel helpless against this horrible disease and what it does to those we love. So many of us give our time with fundraisers, walks, runs, etc. Continuing to do these things is so important and once again I have a renewed spirit to do everything little bit I can.

In the meantime I pray. And I say fuck you cancer.

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I Wish I Could Save My Soul. I'm So Cold From Fear

2010-04-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today was a day of disappointment. But then, the whole week was that way.

Sparring this morning, one word, UGH. I just feel completely incompetent. I feel like everyone is so much better than I am. Tomorrow is my last day of sparring before the fight and panic exists below the surface, every minute. Not to mention, total rookie move, sparring, moving backwards and I slammed into the mirrored wall. Currently I feel like I was hit by a truck. Someone, remind me why I'm doing this again?

Then the mail arrived. Einstein found out he didn't get his ROTC scholarship. Beaver received a collection notice from the library for four library books that he didn't turn in and were due in February. Again, panic at the college situation. Where am I going to find an extra $15,000 a year? Drove Beav to the library, he turned in his books and I paid the $42 fine which is added to the $64 debt he already owes me because of lunch loans.

I got in the car to head off to run some errands and you know I just wanted to sit in there and cry. But I didn't. Sometimes I wish I could just let go that way and let it all out and do that with someone close to comfort me. But that's not my style. I'm unable to do that. It's just a form of vulnerability that I'm unwilling to let anyone see.

In some way I feel I'm being punished for being a bad person. As if God is throwing all this crap at me because I'm not a good person. So then I drive around and run my errands and think about everything in my life and what God might be disapproving of and that just makes me feel worse.

And I recognize that I'm tired. I'm stretched a little too thin and that makes me more emotional than normal. I'm trying to find a balance between not second guessing my feelings and not over-reacting. That's easier said than done.

Title taken from James Blunt's "Tears and Rain"

Just Thinking

2010-04-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Right now it would be easy to say, I'm a confused chica.
But I'm too tired to think about it.
Keeping my life nice and orderly is a lot of hard work. I'm feeling a bit like the mouse in the wheel. That's not a nice feeling.
Just some stuff to think about.

Just Part of My Story

2010-04-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, hubby called me on an issue he needed assistance with for a friend. It was dealing with a possible sexual assault of a teenager. He wasn't asking because I'm a woman. He was asking because of my knowledge due to professional and personal training.

I have received certifications in domestic violence and sexual assault crisis counseling. I have worked with the Placer County Domestic/Sexual Assault Response Team and have worked here in LB for the Sexual Assault Response Team.

Someone asked me the other day if it was hard to do this type of volunteer work. The domestic violence part was harder than the sexual assault. But then with domestic violence you tend to deal with the same people over and over again.

I've been doing volunteer work since I was 21. I started on the California Runaway Hotline and proceeded from there to other responsibilities. Part of being on the response teams means when you're on call and there's an assault reported you have to go to the hospital. My role was as an advocate and I worked on a team with a nurse that had received forensic training and a police officer. When I was trained in Placer County it was the first team put together so a lot of the training involved the advocates, law enforcement, and nurses all together and that was very interesting.

I'm what one would call a survivor of both domestic violence and sexual assault. When I was seventeen I was engaged to a very handsome boy who was unfortunately also very violent. I'm not going to go into a lot of details. Mostly because I've blacked a large portion of it out. As far as statistics go I'm in the minority. Most women that end up in the situation I was in grew up with violence. I did not. However, I was fearful of this man (he was two years older than I). I was fearful for my life and I really didn't think anyone would believe me. In all these things I am very much a statistic. I came very close to losing my life and I believe without a doubt that I would have eventually ended up the worse kind of statistic.

There's a lot to this story that I'm not going into. Partly because I'm not ready, partly because this isn't the right forum.

I don't feel like a victim. Do I live with repercussions? Definitely. I will for the rest of my life. The difference is I'm aware of how this has impacted me and I deal with it appropriately (well sometimes). I haven't had a panic attack in years, which is pretty awesome. I dealt with an eating disorder because of it (years ago) but I still have trust issues. I have anger issues. I have a bad temper. I know that if I had to I could defend myself to the bloody end. Because I have had to.

Would you mind if I pretended I was someone else with courage in love and war

2010-04-11T07:09:00.000-07:00

If you've been following my tweets, and really, why wouldn't you, I've been in San Diego for the past few days attending a conference for Healthcare Leaders. Apparently I'm one of those, who would have thunk? It's been a great conference and San Diego is beautiful although I really didn't get to see much of it. I'm thinking I need to come down here with hubby and the kids before Einstein heads off to college and I don't see him again.

I've learned a lot this weekend and made a lot of great connections with other managers and administrators. I got to see my mentor and we haven't seen each other in about three years, so that was awesome. Apparently she really talked me up to a lot of people that I've gotten to know and it's nice to hear someone thinks highly of you.

Lately my blog has been all over the place. Lots of weird things going on and I'm finding myself going through a lot of transitions. The thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions whirl around inside my head to the point that I'm exhausted. I'm trying desperately to sort them all out but it's difficult.

Not helping at all is my habit of completely doubting my feelings all the time. Over the years it's become quite obvious to me that my I have no ability to judge character. I couldn't tell if a person would be good for me or bad for me if my life depended on it. And then when I do get close to someone a question it a gazillion times. It's quite ridiculous. I wish I could be the kind of person who just feels without questioning. Is that possible?

It doesn't appear likely.

What is obvious though is that there are many things I have to get out of my head and I can't do it here. This is too public and somethings are more private and require limited access. So, I have developed another blog that is by invite only. If you're interested you may email me at divacowgirl at gmail.com.

I must get ready for another half day of meetings. I hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday.

Title taken from "Weak In The Knees" by Serena Ryder

Say something sweet cause all we have is a night we can't keep and can't get back

2010-04-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

My brother-in-law is going to have to come to Long Beach so we can enjoy these and have a heart attack together.

Title taken from "Safe but Sorry" by Making April

Wordless Wednesday, does it count if there are captions

2010-03-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

This is what your feet look like after constantly training for a fight. Be grateful I didn't take pictures of the bottoms.

My favorite flower. I buy these every Sunday at the Farmer's Market.

The "L" word

2010-03-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I've never been very good at the "L" word. No, not lust. That word I have absolutely no issues with. Mmmmmm.....lust. That way you feel when someone touches you the right way.....when someone makes you growl in the back of your throat......

Sorry, I got distracted. Back to the "L" word.

Perhaps it's because the first "romantic" (and I use that word very loosely) relationship I had in which a man told me he loved me also involved violence and assault and that's bound to warp a 17-year-old girl.

But this post isn't about that relationship, that could be an entire blog post in itself and that's for another day.

Lately I've seen a few of my twitter/blogging friends go through pain/trauma/heartbreak because of the "L" word. Is there any other word that can bring you such total euphoria and such devastating heartbreak in the space of hours?

It's funny because when you first start experiencing the L word it's all butterflies and goosebumps. Then it ends. And you try again. But the next time after the butterflies slow down you realize.....wait a minute, this is going to end at some point and it's going to hurt. And then you get to the point where you think.....if I avoid the "L" word I can avoid the pain.

I'm not one of those people. Am I closed off? Yes. Do I have a difficult time sharing my feelings? Yes. But I'm not afraid to love. Sometimes I just think I don't really know how.

Those people that fall in love after a weekend together. Those individuals that are convinced they've met a soul mate...I envy them. Even though in many cases it end(s) in heartache, sadness, drama, etc. How lucky are they that they have the ability to feel those kinds of feelings (the good ones, not the bad ones, I mean they're lucky to feel everything but I'm not jealous of the bad ones).

I even start to feel the urge to use the "L" word and I immediately stop myself. Because that's when the questions start. How on earth can I feel this way? Maybe it's just euphoria at the someting new? Do I really know what the "L" word means? How dare I even think I could say this word. These are the things that pop in my head.

Because I simply don't trust my feelings.

So, those of you that just run with it...stop beating yourselves up about it. It's such a gift that you have the ability to feel that way, whether it's everlasting or not.

As for me. I know I have the capacity to feel love. I've loved more than one person at a time and it was very difficult for me to accept that, but eventually I learned that I had that capability. I think my issue lies within my ability to express those feelings. They're there, they just have a difficult time making their way out of my heart and into verbal form.

I guess I have to work on that.

Besides.....nothing ventured, nothing gained.

See...I can grow

2010-03-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to have to drop my writing class which really sucks because a)I love writing (even though I suck) and b)I love arguing. But, each assignment and there are two a week takes three hours plus there is a paper due every Saturday. And I realized today that I don't want to spend my Friday night and Saturday writing a paper when I could be hanging with my family and doing the important Sam's Club shopping.

Plus I'm trying to relax more or at least give myself more attention, and it's the kind of attention that doesn't involve fighting or school books.

I recently read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and it really hit me in some areas because I could relate, a lot, with what she was feeling. It also made me think a lot about myself, relationships, my views on love, etc.

I have always prided myself on being a bit of a realist about relationships. There have been several times I've been told I think like a guy. I've always been really good at keeping my emotions separate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

One thing I've always talked about is how I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe that there is that one true person for everyone. I mean, how can that be? I've loved some amazing men and all of them have brought something to my life. All of them have been a gift in one way or another. I might not have realized that at the time, but it's true. However, in the book she brings up a point, or I should say someone else brings up a point to her.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect ft, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

I like that definition. Especially because there have been relationships that even though I knew it had to end it was the hardest thing to walk way from.

So, maybe I do believe in soul mates.

And I think my life is about to change.

Good thing I look good in purple

2010-03-24T21:39:00.000-07:00

So.....I'm fighting.

On April 24th.

I'm scared.

I hate to lose.

But I'm afraid I will, cuz somebody has to.

I've been training hard and I'm literally covered in bruises.

Why do I do this again?

New Math

2010-03-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

My Vagina never met a wand it didn't like

2010-03-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

Last May when I had my annual appointment my doctor asked me to consider stopping the Depo Provera shots. I had been using Depo for about ten years because of severe endometriosis. She was worried about the long term effects, specifically it can cause bone loss. She gave me some info and asked me to consult a specific OB/GYN, which I finally did today. Yeah, so I'm a few months behind schedule.

I have had a bone density scan and show no signs of bone loss. The physician today did a fairly thorough exam including a pelvic ultrasound. He actually said, and I quote, "your ovaries are dormant." LMAO, well I hope so. It just sounds sad though....Dormant Ovaries.

Anyways, he says ultimately it's my decision. Nobody knows what the real long term effects of depo provera are but there is some concern because of my family history of breast cancer. The frustrating thing is I have no idea how much longer I would be on it. My mom had a hysterectomy in her thirties so my sister and I have no idea about when to expect menopause.

I can't believe I'm thinking about when I'll start menopause. That is soooooooo depressing.

What we, or I, decided is that I would take a depo break for awhile. It's possible that the time on the depo has helped and when my period finally starts back up it won't be too traumatic in terms of, well, everything. He's scheduled me to come back in September because I should be on a somewhat regular cycle by then

The downside is that there are two things that occur when I'm not on the depo. My sex drive increases, which really isn't helpful right now.....and my breasts tend to swell, and not in a good way. I'm already a D cup and in the past it's been pretty painful. For those of you who have given birth, imagine what it's like when your milk comes in or when you're trying to dry up. Yep, it's like that, but without the milk.

So, for now, I'll just hang and see what happens. I'm due for my next injection next month so I won't be getting that. Hopefully it won't ruin my summer.

Or yours.

Alone in the Ring

2010-03-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

To answer a question left after my previous posting, yes, I do have someone to talk to. I've been seeing a therapist for a little over a year now. At first to deal with a lot of issues after my mom died, but naturally it's evolved into what I'm going through now.

When I left my last appointment my therapist pointed out that I had three options. None of these options included the one I wanted to hear which was 'go back to pretending like everything was perfect.' None of the three options are ones that I can easily live with. So right now I'm in limbo. I hate limbo. I like to have a plan. I like to problem solve.

But I can't solve this.

The worst part is that my level of self-esteem has completely plummeted. Before, when I was stressed out I could take it to the dojo. Work out my grief, my sorrow, my anger, on a heavy bag or in sparring. But now, I have no confidence in the ring. I argue with myself just to get the desire to spar. I discussed this with my trainer today, which was difficult, because even though I'm the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve I have a difficult time sharing my feelings. And this situation, brings me shame and I don't want anyone's pity. He's understanding of the situation and encouraging, which I do appreciate.

I've just turned into this weepy girly person that I hate. And I don't know how to shake it. It's driving me nuts.

Plus I'm sick. I've had some stress (duh) and it's positioned itself right between my shoulder blades. Every morning for the last couple of weeks when I've gotten up in the morning, it's been unbelievably tight and painful. Last Friday my trainer worked out some of the kinks, which I believe released some toxins. By Friday night I was starting to feel sick and by Saturday morning I had the worst head cold. Sunday I had a massage scheduled to work out the rest of the kink so I then spent part of Sunday night very ill (I'll leave out the details) and now I feel worse. It was a necessary evil, but worth it because even though I'm all congested, my shoulder blades feel better.

What Happened to My Fairytale?

2010-03-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't been wanting to blog. In fact I briefly considered deleting it entirely, but I've done that before with my previous blog and I really regret it.

The few people that comment consistently on my blog always mention that they enjoy it because I'm honest. I don't blog with all anecdotes about my life and try to make it sound funny. My life isn't morose by any stretch of the imagination, I'm just not that type of blogger. I blog just as a means to an end. It's a way to get the stuff that's in my head out of my head.

However, right now, I'm dealing with some issues that exist between my husband and I. And as much as I feel the need to let it all out, I just can't do that here. Out of respect for him and our marriage, these issues do not need to be part of the internet.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure if our relationship will survive the issues we're dealing with. This much isn't a secret.

I think that at this juncture, we will survive, but only if I change what I want/expect/need from our relationship and that's easier said than done. I'm the kind of person that wears my heart on my sleeve. It's nearly impossible to hide how I feel so I've spent the past three weeks pretty torn up.

One way or the other I"ll be ok.

Not Ready To Love

2010-02-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

I know, I haven't updated lately. It's been rough and I've been having a bad time lately and I haven't really wanted to write about it.

I just feel like a hideous horrible unworthy person.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I just don't think I"m a good person. I don't feel like a good mom. I don't feel like a good wife.

The truth is I have to deal with these feelings but every time I start to I just push it aside.

I just wish I knew how to be less angry all the time.

Ever feel you're on the edge of a cliff and the way to save yourself is just right there out of your reach...just outside the reach of your fingertips.

That's how I feel.

formspring.me

2010-02-15T20:06:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/divacowgirl

Training to be a better person

2010-02-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how relaxed I have been since I've changed my activities to match my priorities. Seems like a simple enough concept. Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

I've restarted my training and so far since last Friday I've been five times, woohoo! I did spar on Saturday and got my ass kicked, and that's putting it mildly. I was supposed to spar on Sunday also, but just couldn't do it. I hurt beyond belief....both physically and mentally. I'm going to try again this Sunday.

God help me.

Speaking of God. I found a prayer journal that belonged to my mom. It's one of those daily journals. Apparently she only got to January 1st :). Like mother like daughter. Perhaps I'll pick up where she left off. Hopefully I'll get farther than one day.

Other than that, not a lot else going on. There is something big happening at work but I can't go into it here. Maybe after it all gets resolved.

See...I can learn

2010-01-29T19:34:00.001-08:00

After my epiphany the other night I've spent the past few nights really doing some thinking.

I've been living this crazy active super busy lifestyle since I was sixteen. I've never known anything else. I realized that I don't want to be super busy any longer. But...here's the kicker. If I'm not constantly busy, doing things, I feel worthless. My busy schedule is how I gauge my self-worth. I know, I'm clearly insane. Then I spent some time trying to figure out how to reprioritize my life. Here's where I am -

My relationship with God

My Family

My Training

My Job (yes, it's number four - it pays for the training)

School

Everything else

Here's how my life was being lived:

Work

School

Family

Training

My relationship with God

See a problem?

Here's what I'm doing:

My relationship with God - I do need to go to church more, but more importantly than that I need to take more time to develop a personal relationship. I need to read the Bible more and spend some quiet time in prayer.

My family - Sunday is supposed to be family day (well, except for Super Bowl, because the kids aren't into football) but lately I spend Sunday trying to catch up on everything I didn't have time to do during the week, including homework. So, Sunday is back to family day (except every other Sunday morning I do spar), don't judge.

Training - Even my trainer said today, I was happiest when I was training hard core. I miss it so so I went back at it full strength today. My trainer wants to put me on the list for our fight night in April, not sure I'll be ready though. Either way it feels good to be back. Besides I'm up 15 lbs since my surgery and I can't have that.

Work - Yeah, work is important. It pays for the training and the things I do with my family. And...it gives me self-worth, yeah I know I need to work on that.

School - Yes it's so important I finish. But taking ten units while working full time is just, well, stupid. So, I dropped the statistics class this semester and I'm at a happy six units. So, it might take me a little longer, but I'll get there. I'm still taking off a bit early two days a week so I can come home and do some homework.

When I made these decisions a couple of things happened. First, my stress level went down SIGNIFICANTLY. I've slept more this week than I have since I don't know when. Second, I immediately started to think about what I could get done with this new free time. Then I had to slap myself.

The hard part is trying to figure out where I learned that my self worth is defined by how hard I push myself to accomplish the impossible.

My therapist is going to work with me on this, but she's proud I've discovered all of this by myself.

E=mc who cares

2010-01-26T19:59:00.000-08:00

It's not that I don't like school, because I do. I love school. I do hate that I've never finished college. I mean I REALLY hate it. It makes me feel really stupid.
:
When I decided to go back to school a couple of years ago carrying 10-12 units wasn't that big of a deal because I was only working 24 hours a week. But then a year ago everything went down at my office and I went from a 24 hour a week medical biller to a 50- 60 hour a week office manager for a six physician practice.

So this semester I decided to go back. I'm carrying ten units, although one of my classes doesn't start until March. Last week because I got sick as all heck I missed a week of my statistics class and I'm so behind it hurts. A week of statistics is like seven human years, or something like that.

And I'm tired. This is an example of what Tuesdays are like for me. I'm at work by 7:15, work until 3, drive to school. Have class until 6pm. Drive back to Long Beach. Pic up Beav, come home, eat dinner, do homework. Thursday is the same except I drive to Long Beach and go to the dojo and take the 6:30 class.

And that's another thing. It really cuts into my training time and I miss training.

It sounds like I'm whining, doesn't it? Well I'm just trying to talk myself out of feeling like a loser if I drop the statistics class. The truth is though I have to have this class so I still have to take it. I'm just frustrated knowing that it's taking forever to get this done.

But is the important thing...isn't that I'm trying to get it done?

Truth is, I'm 41 and I work really hard. I don't want to spend my entire weekends doing homework. Not when I have a family here that I want to spend time with.

Yep, I'm totally rationalizing.

And I still feel like a loser.

Thursday Ten

2010-01-21T05:15:00.000-08:00

I've done Thursday Ten before which I copied from Sarah, who is a cool chick and said it was ok. Thought I would try it again.

1. Wow this post got me four comments, woohoo! That's a lot for me. Nice to know what I said actually touched a cord with some people. I will have to post more on that subject and how messed up I am in my relationship with God.

2. My children are expensive. This week alone I have paid for - $300 registration fee for Einstein at NAU, $220 flight to Flagstaff to visit NAU, $953 - PARTIAL PAYMENT for Beav's eighth grade trip to DC, $100 deposit for Einstein's class ring, announcements, cap/gown.

3. I am thankful that I can afford to do the things above. Truly thankful. My parent's didn't even encourage me to go to college and I'm so unbelievably proud of Einstein. And I've never been to DC or New York and both my kids will have been there.

4. My ex husband is meeting me in Arizona and we're driving together to Flagstaff to visit the school and attend orientation. It's cool that we can do things like that. A little weird, but cool. I know a lot of divorced couples who could never handle it. His dad really, I think, wanted him to attend school in state but I think Einstein is ready to get a little distance from home.

5. I'm a total type A personality. Lists for everything, everything has a place....yet Beav is a complete and total slob. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything. He just can't keep his things together or tidy. I'm torn between just accepting that is who he is and determined to get him to clean up a bit.

6. I have not worked out all week because of this STUPID cold. Spoke to my trainer yesterday, well tried to anyway with a very squeaky voice. He kept telling me that my phone was cutting out, "that's not my phone, that's my voice." He then told me to stay away from the dojo until I was better. That place, when it gets all steamy and sweaty inside, is like a bathhouse for germs. If nothing I'll be there tomorrow for my private. He's good at creating workouts around whatever is going on with me.

7. I'm happy to be back in school, however, not happy I have a statistics quiz today. That stuff is hard, especially right now because it's all about definitions and terms and I have this stupid cold and my head hurts all the time. Our teacher is swedish, I think, and half of what she says is difficult to understand. Half the time I look around at the younger students and think to myself "did she really wear that to school/when did I turn into my mother?" One day last week over half the class were wearing flannel shirts. Talk about a trend.

8. I have no plans for the weekend ahead. Woohoo. Was thinking of buying tickets for the rodeo but with hubby feeling sick not sure he'll be up to it. Bull riding is not one of my favorite rodeo sports, I prefer bronco busting, but I'll take what I can get.

9. Speaking of hubby being sick, I'm a total loser. I was really out of it for two days, hubby had to do pretty much everything. Now that he is sick I totally lack empathy. It's something I seriously need to change about myself. I have no patience for illness. His cold has turbo-charged his snoring so the lack of sleep for the past two nights isn't helping me at all. I need to pray for patience.

10. Looked through some of my past posts and wow have some things seriously changed in my life and I have to say, mostly for the good. Yay me! I also need to clean up my layout. I'm totally not a mommy blogger..some of those gals are kinda mean to each other. I'm happy over here in my little blog world with my four commenters.

Have a great day.

2010-01-16T13:22:00.000-08:00

Felt so much better after my last post.

Now if I could just rid myself of this head cold. It's seriously kicking my ass. Missed kickboxing and sparring this morning because the thought of getting hit in my head just was too much. Since right now it feels THIS BIG.

Besides, I miss sparring.....believe it or not. My trainer doesn't believe it because I haven't had time to drag my sorry ass in on Saturday morning. If I can manage to breathe through my nose tomorrow morning I plan to be there.

Another reason I need to go is that old saying "feed a cold...." because I appear to have taken that quite literally. Seriously, I can't get enough to eat. It's the oddest thing. On the plus side my shoulder is coming along nicely. It's still sore and hurts but more often when I don't work out which is a good sign.

Thanks to feeling so miserable I haven't gotten anything done today that I planned to do. But, tonight is our girlfriend dinner and I"ll be damned if I miss that. Sis-in-law is headed here at four so we can go over together so I have until then to feel halfway normal.

Tomorrow the family is hoping to see Sherlock Holmes as long as I don't sneeze my way through the movie.

Coming out of the closet or why you should unfollow me

2010-01-14T07:43:00.000-08:00

Pat Robertson is an idiot. That being said and out of the way there are some other things I have to get off my chest.

Ever since the aforementioned idiot once again opened his mouth I've seen all kinds of verbal/twitter attacks against Christians as a whole. And I don't understand why this is ok. This morning someone I follow/followED on twitter went as far as to say right-wingers/conservatives, etc hated colored people..yada yada yada you get the idea.

I grew up in church and then I quit going for a very long time. I realized that I only went because it was habit. Because that's what my parents did. I quit because I realized I wasn't going because I had any kind of real relationship with Christ. Over the past few years that's been changing.

I am a Christian. The born again kind. I'm not the best Christian I can be. I make a lot of mistakes and I'm finding my way down this road. I don't consider myself religious or part of a religion although I do go to a Baptist church. I consider myself a Christian. I accept the Bible as truth, I've accepted Christ as my saviour, I'm a sinner.

I'm also NOT a registered republican. I don't stand outside abortion clinics with pictures of unborn babies. Personally I feel that if you're standing outside an abortion clinic protesting you better be part of the solution. You better have adopted or fostered an unwanted child. You better be supporting an orphanage. You better be doing something to help solve the problem other than standing on a sidewalk and yelling at people

I pretty much feel that way about all kinds of, what I'll refer to as social causes. I attend a church that invests a lot of time and money in local organizations catering to homeless people and foster children. The woman that leads the charge with foster children adopted five of them. Those are the people I prefer to know. People who are part of the solution. My brother, a missionary, is currently organizing a trip to Haiti. He has a heart for Uganda and has been there already. He is part of the solution.

In the past few months I've been slowly awakening to what is required to call myself a Christian. I've been keeping it to myself because and I'm so ashamed to admit this, what if I twitter or facebook about my relationship with Christ and people don't want to be my friend?

I am ashamed. Because seriously, if you can't look past a label and see who I am as a person why would I want you to be my friend? Because I'm a pretty cool chick. I've done some bad things. I've done things I'm ashamed of. And I do a lot of good things and I'm hoping that I do more good in the future and less of the things I'm ashamed of.

So for the record here it is. I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't hate minorities, I'm pro-choice and every once in a while I like a good cigar. I like to read the Bible and I accept it as truth. I have piercings and tattoos. I swear, but I am trying to stop.

But most importantly I try to part of the solution. Soapboxes are easy to stand on working towards a solution is a lot more difficult.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot....I married a right-wing, conservative, Republican. For the record he also doesn't hate gays, minorities, he's pro-choice, but he hates cigars :)

Why I'm a twit

2010-01-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

Dear faithful readers (all three of you). I've just taken my antibiotics for a wonderful ear infection that I've had the luck to come down with the same week I start back at school. Because I obviously don't have enough to worry about.

I should be in bed....and that is my next stop but this post has been sitting in my head for a few days so time to get it out.

I've been on twitter for well over a year now. I thoroughly enjoy it and tweet often. I keep my tweets locked and I find that the same people keep asking permission to follow me...and it got me to thinking about why they want to follow me.

I understand that a lot of people tweet for marketing purposes, to help grow their businesses, etc. I don't. I tweet because I enjoy the people I "meet" via twitter. A lot of the people I follow on twitter also blog and their blogs are on my reader page. Twitter brings me into contact with a lot of people that, in all honesty, in real life I might not be friends with. People who think completely different than I do...people who really add to my life by sharing their insights on different subjects. Simply put I love twitter because I love meeting new people.

That being said, I do follow some people based purely on hobbies or things I enjoy doing. I follow a lot of people on twitter because of their association with wine or wineries. The majority of these individuals I never have discussions with but I find their tweets useful.

When someone does reply to me on twitter I often make the effort to reply back. Although sometimes there just isn't anything I can add to the conversation. There are many times though that I've replied to others and have NEVER received a response. Those are the people I drop because a)they're not interested in twitter relationships; b)they don't follow me; or c)they follow just way too many people.

I also admit that there are times, and there have been many, when my fellow tweeters have really helped me through rough spots. The online twitter friendships I have made because of common issues of grief have been godsends to me on really rough days.

I'm really not sure what the point of this post is but I just felt I needed to say it. For me twitter and/or F@cebook isn't a popularity contest. Instead it's just a great way for me to socialize with other people. And if you're one of them I thank you.

My Plans for 2010

2010-01-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Even though I don't do resolutions there are a number of things that I would like to accomplish this year. Here's my list so far:

1. Read The Purpose Driven Life which has been sitting next to my bed for a year!

2. Finish all the classes I need to transfer to four year.

3. Apply to four year university (and hopefully get accepted)

4. Spend a weekend away with my husband at least once every four months.

5. Become a certified coder.

6. Join the Kiwanis. I've aged out of the overachievers and I miss community service.

7. Take cooking classes....I just want to be better.

8. Go with Einstein to an out of state Nascar race (preferably Talladega or Daytona).

New Year Quiz

2009-12-31T17:51:00.000-08:00

I totally stole this from warcrygirl...but it seemed a fitting way to end 2009.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? I ran a six physician orthopedic practice. If you had told me a year ago I'd be doing this I would have called you crazy.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make for next year? I don't believe in resolutions. I prefer to set goals, but really it's the same thing.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister, but then that happens every year.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully no.

5. What countries did you visit? None, but I got lost in Nevada does that count?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Inner peace.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why? January, when my best friend kindly advised me I had become a bitch and perhaps wasn't dealing with my mom's death well. This got me into therapy and I'm very thankful to be moving towards a healthier mental state. March 3, 2009 when my boss called me to tell me that my office manager had messed up horribly and I was needed to help save the practice.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Successfully taking over the practice. Finding closure on my mom's death.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not really being there for my family like I should have been.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Let's see a cracked rib and then shoulder surgery. I'd say yep.

11. What was the best thing you bought? I really have no idea.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Beav...he's improved so much at school.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My father who fails to understand that other's have feelings that are as equally important as his.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills, paying things off, including the IRS, ugh.

15. What did you get really excited about? Einstein getting into college.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? There's a song I heard this year by Taylor Swift called "The Best Day" which always makes me think of my mom.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
-happier or sadder? I think I'm happier, or at least I'm on my way
-thinner or fatter? Thinner
-richer or poorer? I wouldn't say I'm richer, but I definitely worry less

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spent time with my family.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Work.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my siblings and all of our kids. I LOVED IT.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Only with the Zaca Mesa Syrah.

22. What was your favorite TV program? I can't say I have one.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't spend my energy on hating people.

24. What was the best book you read? It's two. My Sister's Keeper and The Lovely Bones really helped me get closure on my grief.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I discovered Amos Lee this year. Love him.

26. What did you want and get? My kitchen aid mixer.

27. What did you want and not get? Seriously? Nothing. I just buy it myself, lol.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Don't have one.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Got hair extensions, went to dinner and I am 41.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Finishing school.

31. What would describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? If it makes me feel happy to wear it, I do.

32. What kept you sane? Apparently nothing

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I've been crushing on Justin Timberlake forever. (Justin, call me)

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Health care because there is so much misinformation out there.

35. Who did you miss? My mom...always

36. Who was the best new person you met? Wow..can't really say although there are quite a few people on twitter that I've never met who have been super supportive to me this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Sometimes the people that you think you can count on forever are the ones that disappoint you the most.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. I just can't come up with a song lyric like that, lol.

It's December 28th do you know where your resolutions are?

2009-12-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

Now that I've caught up on the gazillion items in my reader I have a moment to blog. Noticed three specific themes while reading other blogs. 1. Best of 2009, 2. Christmas, 3. New Year's Resolutions.

I can't really do a "best of" because I don't update the blog enough. My blog is not "best of" worthy. Maybe one day..when it grows up to be a real blog.

Christmas....I'll get to that.

New Year's Resolutions...don't really do them..but I do promise to update more.

Christmas - Hubby and I left Long Beach on Thursday for the drive to the Sacramento area. It took us only SIX hours which is our best time yet..and that's with a gas stop. We're staying with one of my brothers and his wife and the rest of my siblings and their kids all joined us for Christmas. It was awesome..fourteen kids. We had a great time opening gifts and just laughing. I laughed a lot. It was sad that my dad wasn't there, but that's on him. There were a few emotional moments. My sister brought over some baked goods, specifically some specialties my mom used to make. I hadn't seen those since before she passed and I shed a few tears while enjoying the tasty treats. My sister in law gave us all this beautiful poem framed about loss and memory. All of us teared up at that..but again..it was ok. Christmas is for memories and my mom helped us make a lot of those. For that we are very blessed.

Initially the husband I planned to spend the holiday on the road. We had originally planned an extended road trip but my brother persuaded us to spend the holiday with him and my siblings and I'm glad we did. We did part of our road trip anyway and took off on Sunday for Santa Cruz.

I love Santa Cruz. It's always been one of my favorite places and hubby has never been so it was fun to share it with him. We did some exploring and shopping. And of course we ate at the wharf..an overpriced dinner that catered to tourists...but what the heck. That's when the trip took a weird turn.

I haven't talked about it much but the husband and I have been doing very poorly. Poorly to the point that growing old together didn't seem like an option. I don't want to go into details about the issue...but it was a big one. And it's grown worse over the past several months. Our relationship had deteriorated to the point that it was just difficult being around him. I hate that. It takes a lot of energy to be unhappy and I was very unhappy. And I did try to let go...but everytime I did I was reminded that the issue still existed and it wasn't going to go away. I have tried talking about it to him but that didn't seem to work either and I truly had given up.

So...before we went to dinner he asked me why I looked upset and I told him that I was sad because here we are on this little trip away and it's impossible to truly enjoy it because things aren't right. Once we sat down to dinner the discussion began and it wasn't a great one. It just didn't seem like we were hearing each other. At least the restaurant was slow and we had an entire section to ourselves. Once we finished eating we told the waitress that we were just going to sit back and finish our bottle of wine and she left us alone for a bit.

The final straw of our discussion was when he told me that he realized what needed to be changed but didn't know if it was worth attempting because perhaps I had already given up....and that's when I reminded him that if it was truly important to him..it wouldn't matter if I had. If our relationship was truly that important he wouldn't stop to think about if it was too late..he'd try anyway.

Then there was total silence for quite a few minutes. He realized that I was right. I had to explain that by his lack of response in the past I had to assume that he just didn't care. Because if he did care, wouldn't he do something?

Now..everything isn't all honky dory and we didn't go back to the hotel and make out like teenagers because this is real life. And this is a real problem. It's going to take some time.

But it was nice to feel that he "got" it.

We got up this morning and headed to San Francisco where we did some more shopping (I know, but I really needed those boots...and the pumps...) We had a fabulous lunch and a very nice afternoon.

We still have a lot of work to do. But I feel better about things. Being angry, hurt, and upset does take up so much energy and even though I don't believe in resolutions I do want to be happier in 2010.

The one thing that I did accomplish this year was I finally received closure on losing my mom. It's still hard and I still have bad days but I feel better. I've reached a point where even though I miss her so much every day I feel her close to me. I feel her in the things I say to my kids that she said to me. I feel her when I look at my brothers and feel so grateful I have them in my life. I feel her when I look at my sister and realize that she just isn't my sister anymore, but my friend.

All in all...the trip was a success and I enjoyed my Christmas. Tomorrow morning we hit the road to go back to reality. SIGH.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-16T20:18:00.000-08:00

Are you ready for Christmas? Because I'm NOT!!!!

But I'm not in a panic yet.

The kids leave Saturday morning to go up to their dad's. Hubby and I leave on the 24th to go up north. Ironically we'll be just a few miles away from the boys so we've opted to get together up there to open gifts rather than try to open them up here before they leave. In the meantime I have every minute planned.

Thursday night - Beav's play

Friday night - celebrating friend's birthday at wine bar

Saturday night - girlfriend dinner

Sunday - our annual open house (tons of food shopping and prep to do)

I'm really looking forward to getting up north. We're getting together with my brothers and my sister for Christmas dinner. It will be kinda weird without my dad but I'm so looking forward to getting together with them and having a real family holiday. I was truly hoping Thanksgiving would do that for me but that day went horribly wrong.

I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward to Christmas. I never thought that would happen for me again and I'm so thankful.

Holiday Decorating

2009-12-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Just to prove that I have obtained some holiday spirit I thought I'd share some photos of our Christmas decorating.

I've even decked myself out, don't I look Christmasy. Quit looking at my boobs.

This is our Christmas Village. You can't see it but under a snowdrift is a police car. The kids keep burying it under the snow and hubby keeps taking it out. I'm just glad I don't have a village donut shop because all hell would break loose.

Silver Wonderment

It's a fake tree, I know, I suck.

The gingerbread counter to feed Einstein's irrational fear of Gingerbread men. You know how some people have the whole clown fear, well his is gingerbread men. Don't judge people!

Where did my mojo go?

2009-11-24T17:13:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to get back fully into kickboxing since my surgery. I go to my private sessions with my trainer and a class here and there but I've avoided most of the classes and I've stayed away from sparring.

Truth is I'm afraid to go back. Taking six weeks off while everyone else is forging ahead just puts me that far behind. This morning my trainer called me on it. And while I was kicking and hitting the heavy bag I started crying.

Yep, I'm now a total pussy.

In my defense, this is a tough week, hell, it will be a rough couple of months. I'm more than a little emotional. However, attempting to kickbox with snot running down your face, not a good thing. (Sorry for that TMI but this is my blog)

Second truth is I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what's holding me back. Obviously he struck a nerve because since this morning I've been more down than I have been in ages. He did call me about an hour after I left and checked in with me. He wanted me to know that he wasn't purposely trying to be mean and I know it's his own way of motivating me.

I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with myself. What happened to the athlete in me?

Drunk on Turkey

2009-11-19T19:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes time away from home helps me to recharge. I'm not sure that his trip did that. Spending four days with my sister and nine children pretty much has worn me out, lol. Seriously, I'm not sure how on earth she does it. The noise level alone is nuts.

But I did miss my husband. A lot. But mostly I just missed my routine. I love the routine of my life. Is that horrible? Does that make me a cliche? Not to mention all I can think about is how much work is sitting at my desk waiting for me to return. (I'm totally trying not to let it get to me because I know I do deserve a life.)

I miss working out every day and feel like a total sloth since I've been eating crap since I got here. So...starting tomorrow it's back to the grind. The grind of work and the grind of training...although picking up kids all week has caused my shoulder to protest painfully today.

Apparently my dad was also up here this weekend. Apparently he's told my siblings that he's very angry with me for not being at his wedding. Apparently he can't pick up the phone and have this conversation with me. Yes, I could call him, but I've decided not to. I know it takes two and all that but the last conversation I had with him, in fact almost every conversation I have with him, he yells at me and has no regard for my feelings whatsoever. Frankly it pisses me off. I'm not sure where he got this idea that I need to go along with what he wants because he's my dad. Oh yeah, he gets that from my brothers. My brothers do it. And they pay the price for it. Both of them went to the wedding. Neither went to the reception and neither one of them has a positive thing to say about it. But I refuse to swallow the horrible feelings and go to the wedding because my father feels I should. That's just bullshit.

And trust me, I've thought about it endlessly. And I've prayed about it. I want to try to do the right thing as often as possible. And God has let me know there are things in my life that need to be addressed. However, I'm not feeling he's pushing me on this one.

I don't want to go on and on about this. What's done is done. I feel like I don't have any parents, which is weird and very painful (totally avoiding the pain right now). I never in a million years thought any of this would happen. At some point I'm going to have to process it I know. I hope there's a ton of tissue around when that happens.

I think what I need to do is get drunk. Not silly drunk, just happy drunk. Maybe on Thanksgiving?

There's Peace At The End of This Journey.....right?

2009-11-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

I've been away for awhile. It's been a rough couple of weeks and every time I sit down and think about blogging about it, it's just too hard.

Needless to say I've been on a journey of sorts. One that involves crying jags once a day. Just too many changes in my life. Normally, I love change. I look at it as opportunity. But with losing my mom, the huge job change that occurred in March and basically losing my dad, one more change threatens to push me over the edge. And hubby is considering retiring at the end of the year.

There are some incentives attached that make it look enticing, but the bottom line is between income and overtime he'll be bringing in $2000 less a month. That really started stressing me out. He is looking for a post retirement job but this really isn't the best time to do a job search and his training is very specialized. He's certified to teach disaster management to government agencies. This type of training is required to receive federal funds.

Of course I would love if he landed a position tomorrow but if he doesn't, what does that mean for us? I don't want to make him feel like he can't retire.

It's basically turned me into a big ball of stress and not an easy person to live with.

I've been going back to church hoping that my faith will bring me some peace. I believe it is, just a little slow for my taste. However, I was able to have a brutally honest discussion with my husband about it, about all of it. It was painful but necessary and at the end of the discussion I felt that my husband had become, once again, the man that I can lean on.

This week I've traveled up north (California) to spend some time with my sister. She just had her ninth baby. I think the time away will really be good for me and it's always nice when I spend time with my sister.

The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I hate feeling like this. I try so hard to try to be optimistic and upbeat. I don't want to be the downer chick.

I just want some peace.

Really, Grief does not make me horny

2009-10-25T19:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my dad got married. Even though I know my mom is dead, yesterday kinda cemented the deal and it was way harder to deal with than I ever imagined.

I didn't go. Which is good because I spent Friday night/Saturday morning crying. Then I went and cleaned out the work storage. And then I went home and showered and did my best to stimulate the economy by indulging in some retail therapy.

Apparently when I'm upset and depressed I spend $200 at Fredericks of H@llywood. Hey, it costs a lot of money to carry these breasts around. Plus I bought a corset, and some panties, and some lingerie because it is my wedding anniversary this week and I would like to have sex because I haven't had any since my surgery and well, I'm horny.

Blame it on my age. 41, sexual peak, yada yada yada.

Hubby knows when I'm this upset to just let me be. I normally hate malls but it was a good place for me to be yesterday. Although truly, I don't need any more clothes. My closet is at full capacity. Seriously, it's disgusting.

I've only done this serious disregard for economizing once before and that was Mother's Day. And I took a lot of that stuff back.

I'm so glad I didn't go to my dad's wedding. I definitely would not have been ok. And his reaction when I told him I was considering not going.....well that sealed the deal. It would have been nice if he could have just been my dad for a few minutes. A little consideration, a little caring about my feelings....would have gone a long way.

Instead he just yelled and told me how I need to do things for him because apparently my feelings...yeah they don't matter.

But I survived. Although I feel like now I don't have a mom or a dad. My brothers and my sister, they feel the same way. We feel abandoned. It was as if my mom's death gave my dad a chance for a "do-over." And there's nothing wrong with that if it's handled correctly. Maybe wait a little longer than a year. Maybe try to ask your family to be involved instead of just telling them they have no choice. Maybe realize that your children really miss their mom.

God, I miss my mom. A lot.

Although she wouldn't be happy there is are pics of my boobs on the internet. But then she used to think I was way wilder than I really was.

Well, I was a little wild. Sometimes.

Boobs and Ravioli...not in that order

2009-10-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

I must correct my last post. My surgery was NOT arthroscopic. Unfortunately an incision had to be made. I feel it's frankensteinish but I'm sure that will change soon. I'm taking one motrin twice a day to help with the pain but I'm frustrated by the lack of mobility. I started physical therapy last Friday so I'm hoping that helps a lot FAST.

Even with my lame arm I had lots to do last weekend. It was my turn to host our girlfriend dinner and I wanted to do it up right. I've been itching for a real dinner party so I did my best to go all out.

Here's what the table looked like before dinner.

I prepared the following courses and did my best to pair them with a great wine. Unfortunately I threw away the printed menus so I don't have the exact wines:

1st - Apricot and Chicken Bruschetta served with a Pinot Noir (HEAVENLY)

2nd- Butternut Squash Ravioli with Sage Brown Butter Sauce served with a Chardonnay (first time making ravioli from scratch and it was WAY too thick)

3rd - Grilled Pork Tenderloin a la Rodriguez with Guaza Glaza and Orange-Habanero Mojo served with a Tempranillo (thank you food network for this amazing recipe)

Dessert - Sweet Dessert Panini served with a Peach champagne (again thank you Food Network)

All of it was yummy (except for the thick ravioli)

Do you know when you don't feel sexy? When you've got a long ugly scar on your shoulder. So I did this today to help me feel better about myself. Hubby gave it two thumbs up. Fair warning, not a work or kid friendly pic.

Last but not least for you haters out there I have decided to NOT attend my dad's wedding this weekend. I'm just not ready. I don't want to put myself through that and it dawned on me last week that my father has turned into a selfish hypocrite and right now I don't even have any respect for him at all. And that makes me very sad.

So, if that bothers you, check out my boobs again to help you forget.

Finding my way back...the hard way

2009-10-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

If you've been following me on twitter and really who doesn't (insert eye roll here) you should know I had shoulder surgery last Monday. More specifically arthroscopic surgery for a bone spur.

I'm not a wimpy girl. I did get this injury from kickboxing. During the past year I've suffered a broken foot and a cracked rib. I consider myself pretty tough. So when the doctor warned me that this surgery is particularly painful afterwards I figured he was exaggerating a bit...or he just didn't understand how tough I am. I had planned to be back at kickboxing tomorrow..a week post surgery.

In fact after the surgery I was feeling not bad at all and surprised that it didn't hurt that much. I wasn't taking into account that the doctor injects anesthetic into the surgical site when he closes it up.

Boy was I wrong. This shit HURTS. Almost a week later and I still can't lift my left arm above my chest. The pain is constant and the only reprieve is the hour that I'm hooked up to the cold compression therapy machine (I'm sure there's a shorter name for it, but whatever). I am supposed to sit with this machine seven times a day. That means I'm supposed to sit idle for seven hours a day. I have no idea how to do that.

I have been given Vicodin to help with the pain but it makes me itch and I start to resemble a crack addict scratching at herself. I stopped taking it but gave in again when the pain became unbearable. I halved the dose and that seems to help. For those of you who are worried about addiction possibility, I'm taking two Vicodin A DAY so I think I'm ok. I don't take it at night because I am one of the people that Vicodin keeps awake. Yep, no drowsy here. About two hours after I take the pill I'm very much awake which is why on Monday night I didn't fall asleep until 3am. Seriously, had I not just had surgery I could have gotten up and made an entire Thanksgiving meal, that's how alert I was.

I'm not even going to talk about the mounds of work I brought home with me thinking I was going to get everything done this week. I've hardly touched it.

On the plus side I was able to catch up on a lot of reading and Dexter.

On the down side when I'm bored, I eat. Sitting around, eating and not being able to work out - I feel like the Pillsbury doughboy.

I guess I thought the doc would go in there, fix the problem and I'd feel all better. I didn't realize that there would be a time delay for the "feel all better" part.

Hopefully this will make my left cross stronger than ever.

And it does help with my priorities. I've neglected a lot of things I do for me - reading, blogging, reading blogs, etc, because of work. The truth is I'll never be caught up. I can only do what I can do and beating myself up about it doesn't help at all.

And I'm going to do a vision board. A visual reminder of my goals, dreams, and aspirations.

Because somewhere along the way I lost my way.

And the winner is....

2009-09-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've just got to rant about a phenomenon that is really driving me crazy lately.

It's with moms and it's about being competitive. About EVERYTHING. Heading the parent committee for Einstein's Gate program is a lot of work. Part of my job is attending school events and spreading the word about our meetings so I can get more parents involved. This means I run into a lot of parent's I already know.

When I see people we know we exchange pleasantries, "hi, how are you?" Etc. And then it turns into this. "Well, it was hard for me to come here tonight and tomorrow I have to go to Joey's school for PTA and then back to Jack's school for PTA meeting and then I have to find the cure for cancer and then after that I'm going to solve world hunger." You, get the idea, it goes on and on.

I'm busy. I'm busier then most people I know. I talk about it here, or FB, or twitter, but I don't bore people that I barely know with all the gory details.

Last night another parent, from Beav's school, took it to another level. I had received a call from the room mother because I haven't paid the deposit for his field trip yet. It's $2200 and I think that's a LOT of money to send a 14-year-old to DC. And because less kids are in his class the price might go up but once I pay the deposit, I'm stuck. So, I'm talking to this room mother and I'm explaining that it's a lot of money. I'm not saying I can't afford it, I just think it's a lot of money. So, this parent starts telling me how she understands and then I hear about how she is a single mother and how much money she makes a month and how she doesn't get child support and all I can think is 'why is this woman sharing all her personal crap with me?'

But then she kinda crosses the line and says that I need to have faith in God, that God will help provide money for the field trip. And that just pissed me off. Number 1, you can't assume that just because I send my child to a Christian school I share the same beliefs as you do. However, I've been through a lot of hell in the last year. My faith is about gone. That is my issue, and I'll work that out on my own.

So, I stopped her. And I said, "please don't preach about faith to me, I've been through a lot of hell this year and I don't have a lot of faith left." So now it becomes a contest to see whose life is hardest, only I refuse to play. Of course that doesn't stop her from telling me why her life has been so hard. It's really none of my business and really I don't care. And I don't want to compete with you about who has it harder because truly it's all subjective.

My personal hell could be completely different than your personal hell. What is horrible for me, might not be horrible for you and vice versa. I just don't think it should be a contest. I don't think that you need to hear all my personal business, which is why I didn't share any of it.

By the time we ended the conversation I could tell you oodles about her life, she really couldn't tell you anything about mine.

It's just frustrating, this whole competitive streak. Do we really have to tell everyone how hard our life is to prove something? I don't get it.

This is where I scream out loud in frustration.

I'd say about ten inches

2009-09-08T21:04:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I updated. So long in fact that my hair grew a million inches!

Ok, maybe not. I splurged on extensions for my birthday. And I gotta say, you people with hair work hard. First I had to buy this thing called a hair brush. And then products? Before, a little bit of flat iron, some fingering (the hair people) and a little wax and viola I was done. NOW??? There's a spray for detangling, a spray to set curls a spray to straighten and hair spray. My hair is ten pounds heavier just because of product. I love having the hair it's fun, but I couldn't do it all the time. The longest my own hair could be is just below my shoulders. After that it just stops. I'm just short hair girl but for now I'm gonna rock the hair plus you must admit it makes me look younger.

So the hair is how I celebrated my 41st birthday. Then I put on this tiny low cut black dress and went to dinner with the hubby. And then we had our own private celebration and this isn't that kind of blog so you'll just have to use your imagination.

The boys came back from their summer on Saturday. We threw a great surprise birthday party for Einstein's 18th. He knew something was up but still seemed surprised. My brother came down from Northern California and we hung out all weekend. So much fun!!!

Today I got my father's wedding invitation. Not sure I can open it.

School starts for Einstein tomorrow and Beav starts on Thursday. Schedules are already nuts in the house. How am I going to keep up? I suppose like I always do.

Ok, that's all I got for now.

The Trip

2009-08-24T20:25:00.001-07:00

I haven't talked about it yet but my trip home for the anniversary of my mother's death was awesome!!!

It was nice to hang with my brothers on Saturday night. Their wives and kids were there, my dad showed up. We barbecued, had some wine, and then smoked some cigars. We talked about the night my mom died, our memory of that night and how we were feeling. Then we shared happy memories of my mom. There were no tears it was so awesome. I can't even begin to explain how nice it was. It just really helped.

The next day I picked up my boys and we went to the cemetery. I picked up some flowers and my mom loved cats so I also got her a stuffed kitten. And then I said goodbye.

And I feel good about it. I feel liberated. I feel like I'm living again.

And so many of you were so awesome, thank you so much.

And those of you that were total asses. I needed time dammit, couldn't you see that???

A B C

2009-08-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

I totally stole this from solitary confinement

A. Attached or single? Attached

B. Best friend? My friend Denise

C. Cake or pie? mmm, cupcakes

D. Dog or cat? I have two dogs and one cat, but I have to admit my dogs go nuts when I get home and that's totally awesome

E. Essential item? Blackberry.

F. Favorite color? Red.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Gross

H. Hometown? Rocklin, Ca.

I. Favorite indulgence? Just one??? Massage

J. January or July? July

K. Kids? two boys, 18 and 13

L. Life isn’t complete without? My children

M. Marriage date? 10/27/01

N. Number of brothers and sisters? 2 brothers and 1 sister.

O. Oranges or apples? apples.

P. Phobias? Escalators and heights

Q. Quote?

R. Reasons to smile? Surviving the last twelve months

S. Season of choice? Summer

T. Travel dreams? I want to go to Ireland

U. Unknown fact about me? I prefer to keep it unknown :)

V. Vegetable? Tomatoes

W. Worst habit? Procrastination

Y. Your favorite restaurants? Anywhere that has a steak cooked to my perfection

Z. Zodiac sign? Virgo

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-19T20:46:00.001-07:00

One Year.

2009-08-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

For the first half of the last twelve month I looked at today as the proverbrial light at the end of the tunnel. As if the anniversary of my mother's death would lift this dark veil from my life. A few months ago I realized that August 16th was not a magical number. What I can say is that the most painful year of my life (so far) is over.

I've learned so much. I hope I've grown. I know that I still have a long ways to go.

I've learned what NOT to say when someone I know loses someone they love. I've learned not to say "she's in a better place", "you'll see her again in heaven one day", and my personal favorite "she's no longer suffering." Those things might sound nice BUT they're lousy to hear because the best place she could be is here with her family, I don't want to wait until I get to heaven to see her again, I want to hug her now, and somehow even though she may not be suffering, I am, and that can't possibly bring her joy.

Actually the worst thing I heard was from someone who had been a friend and suffered a loss a couple of years ago. On one of my particularly bad days she sent me a text that read "now you know how I feel."

I've learned it's ok to be sad..and more importantly it's ok to cry when I'm sad. Anger has always been an easy emotion for me. If I get angry about something, I vent and then feel better. Sadness is a new thing for me. Expressing sadness is easier now and less uncomfortable but I still have a long ways to go. Most of my crying is still done in the dark when everyone else is asleep.

I've learned who my real friends are. When my mom first died I was overwhelmed by the responses from everyone. Some went beyond the call of duty, others sent text messages, emails, and called. It was amazing and I am truly thankful. However, its those that are still around twelve months later that really amaze me. Friends that aren't afraid to tell me that I need help. Friends that aren't afraid to say hey I love you but you're not ok. Because I wasn't ok. Friends that don't ask if you're ok but instead call and tell you that you're having dinner with them, no arguments. I hope I've learned to be a better friend.

I've learned how much I really love my brothers and my sister. I'm not always great about showing it but I love them so very much. And even though I'm the big sister I feel so blessed that I have two brothers who let me know that they're here for me. And how awesome to have a sister that will call me and demand that I talk about what's bothering me.

I've learned that no matter how much of a control freak I am it is impossible to control grief. I have cried listening to music, watching television, watching movies, reading books..I have even cried in front of the greeting cards. When I see a woman my age shopping with her mom I can barely stand it. I miss shopping with my mom.

I have learned that people I have never met are so amazing. I have been blessed by the kindess and love demonstrated by my online friends. On that day a year ago I twittered "my mom died today." The first response I received was from @chickpea, someone I've never met, but have "known" for a few years through blogging. Since then so many others have reached out with kind words, prayers and shared grief over their own losses.

have learned that wanting to die and being suicidal are two different things. Because I wanted to die, if only to stop feeling. On my darkest day I sat in my car and wondered how many sleeping pills would it take for me to not wake up. I just wanted the pain to stop. Of course, I'm way too practical and sensibility kicked in right away. There was no way I was going to willingly put my children through what I had been experiencing.

I have learned to forgive. Part of me blames my mom. I blame her for not taking better care of her health. I wish she had been open emotionally. I wish she hadn't bottled things up because I know it's so unhealthy and it can kill you. It almost killed me. And I forgive my mom these things. And I thank my mom for allowing me to see what I need to change in my life.

I have learned how difficult it is to sometimes let go. This past year I've had to let go of so many things. I've lost friends and as painful as it is, I'm ok with it and I'm better for it. I've lost control. Grief makes you feel like you're losing your mind. It's the craziest thing. You wake up in the morning and you say to yourself 'today will be a great day.' And then something happens. You hear a song, you have a memory and the next thing you know you're crying on the way to work and part of you is yelling 'what the heck, knock it off' and you can't. And it makes you feel like you've lost your mind. Sometimes it's just necessary to let those feelings happen.

I've lost my mom. My mom won't see Einstein graduate next year. She won't see my boys get married. She won't hold a great grandchild. She won't hold the baby my sister is having in a few months. She won't be here at Christmas to tease Einstein with gingerbread men. She won't be here to see the amazing men my sons are going to be. So I keep her around in little ways. The watch I wear is hers. The odd assortment of salt and pepper shakers I've been collecting just like she did. A picture of us on my mantle. Her Bible that I can open and see her handwriting.

And I know it's time to say goodbye. I've managed to avoid doing that for twelve months. But it is time. Not to forget, not to stop grieving, because I'll always grieve, but time to move on. Time to be the mother I need to be to my children. Time to be the wife I need to be to my husband. Time to be the friend that my friends have been to me. Time to be good to myself. Time to let go of the regrets and the "should-haves" that plague my nights. Time for peace.

On the road

2009-08-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

This is it.

Sunday is the one year mark. Today after I get off work I'm road tripping it home to be with my siblings and my sons.

I'm looking forward to the drive alone. Hubby has to work this weekend and I think he senses I need some time just with my brothers and sister.

Apparently my dad is also coming but didn't tell anyone until he mentioned it to me last night. I sent a text to my brother letting him know and his response was "dad needs to work on his communication skills."

I'm optimistic about this weekend. I'm sensing closure and healing in my near future.

I'm just thankful I survived this year. And I'm thankful for those of you who really helped, encouraging words and prayers go a long way.

Look Ma, no tears

2009-08-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

We interrupt Diva's normal grief motivated rant to bring you some pictures.

Hubby and I went to the Or@nge County Fair twice this year. Thought I'd share some fun pics of food that I DID NOT eat.

I will admit that last year I did try the deep fried White Castle Burgers and the deep friend avocado. The burgers weren't that good, kinda mushy. Avocado was yummy.

A couple of weeks ago hubby and I went to an 80s themed birthday party for some of the people I train with. This one is me with "Cap." One of the girls from the dojo works for R@xy and they had a box of used 80s dresses that they let us have for the party. I almost picked the gold dress but I think I did ok with what I wore. Although I can't believe I wore horizontal stripes.

This is hubby and me. Notice the pink Izod shirt and members only jacket.

Another girl I train with. Her dress was actually a bridesmaid dress from her sister's wedding. Her sister made her wear this dress!!!

Me and my best friend!!!

This is me with my trainer who looks NOTHING like this in real life. For starters, he's bald. It's hard to see but there is a belt on my hips. This belt is on the loosest setting. I use to wear this belt on this setting around my hips. It was a good two to three inches too big, woohoo.

I can show love, I just might do it differently than you

2009-08-06T20:13:00.001-07:00

I've been blogging for a long time but one day in a fit of stupidity I erased one. I regret that a lot. For me blogging is pretty personal. I don't do it as a way to make a living, I don't sell advertising, it's just a place I vent. Often after I've blogged here, and I believe I mentioned this before, I feel totally different about whatever it was I was upset about. Sometimes, hell, almost all the time, it's just helpful to get it out of my head.

I also read some really amazing blogs. I can't believe that there are people who do this and make money. I could never be that talented and I'm impressed every day. I also can't believe how many people take the time to trash talk on blogs.

There are times when I disagree with something I've read in a blog or I could even be offended. When that happens I just take my mouse and click on that little "x" and voila the page is closed. I don't feel the need to leave my two cents because...well, why? I comment on a few of the blogs I read, I try to offer supportive comments or just a pat on the back.

And I'm constantly amazed by the supportive comments I've received here. People who are complete strangers have blessed me with their kind words. And then there are those times when someone feels the need to lecture me. Apparently they disagree with whatever choices I've made or whatever it is that's bothering me. So the other day when once again someone left a little lecture and then FOLLOWED IT WITH A BIBLE VERSE I got really pissed off.

I grew up in church. I have had bible verses thrown at me my whole entire life and here's what I've discovered. When you come at someone in a "shame on you" fashion and justify your lecture with a bible verse well you're just full of crap. That's not going to help me at all. And in reality I think it's only purpose is to help you feel better about yourself.

Next time you want to represent your Christian "love" trying offering to pray for someone. How about "I'm sorry you're having these issues, I'm praying that God will soften your heart." That's a nice way of letting me know you disagree with me and at the same time showing, oh don't know" KINDNESS.

And please don't think I'm against the bible or bible verses. My mom's Bible sits next to my bed and I can't even begin telling you how many times I've opened it.

A friend of mine sent me this the other day, I found it and her fabulous.

"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments."
Gustave Flaubert

P.S. I'm starting another blog. There are some personal issues that I just don't feel I can discuss here. If you're interested leave me a comment with your email.

No train of thought here

2009-07-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in a ridiculously good mood. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's exhaustion. I've hardly slept all week and I'm hoping to crash tonight. Otherwise tomorrow's sparring session will be brutal.

Well, I know a little bit about why I'm in a good mood but not going to share it here. Just not ready and I'm not sure this is the place. Even though it's my blog. HAHA.

This seems like the longest week ever. Probably the lack of sleep. It just dragged and dragged. And it's month end which means a ton more work to do which is why I brought some home. But not tonight. Took a Soma earlier and I'm hoping to be unconscious soon.

Work is definitely getting better. There is still a lot to get done but I don't feel as overwhelmed as I use to. We've taken care of a lot of problems and even though we still have a lot of work to do I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I remember just a couple of months ago thinking I couldn't survive this but here I am.

All I can say is thank God for psychotherapy and kickboxing!!

I'm not sure I've mentioned it but my kids have been gone for the summer and can I tell you how much I miss them!!!! OMG, like crazy. Einstein will be here in a couple of weeks for to pick up his school schedule but then he goes back up north until September 5th. Hubby and I had better get our partying done, now.

This week I discovered blip.fm. How fun to discover all kinds of different music. How expensive as I find myself purchasing said music all week. I can't help it, music just moves me. Corny, I know but I think it's because verbally I suck at expressing myself and sometimes songs just say what I can't.

Next week should be interesting. My front office person is taking a much needed vacation which leaves the new employee who isn't working out so well. He's very sweet and very polite but just doesn't seem to have the ability to multi-task. How many times can you put a person on hold and keep asking them questions? I am trying to be patient but if he doesn't step up next week I'm not sure he's going to last. That is not the fun part of my job.

I'm really not sure what the fun part is yet.

It's not me, It's you

2009-07-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking about friendships. Dealing with a life changing experience (grief, childbirth, marriage, etc) will teach you a lot about friendships. Friends that I thought would always be there turned out not to be. And friends that were always solid in the background really stepped up.

I have a hard time letting go of friendships. I'm fiercely loyal to people I care about. And I will try to salvage a friendship that I feel is worthy.

One of the friends that I have lost I have mentioned on here previously. We use to have so much fun together. She could be a bit high maintenance because she wouldn't drive anywhere so if we were going out together I would have to drive. However, she always helped pay for gas or she'd pick up a meal, etc. She was an excellent shopping buddy, which I feel can be difficult to find.

Back in January on the night I really hit rock bottom she and I had plans to go out. I don't believe we had seen each other since before my mom died. In fact we had only recently reconnected after losing touch. Her response to my mom's death was to text me periodically to ask me how I was doing and that kind of bothered me. I initiated contact with her and consequently we made plans. Unfortunately that was a night from hell and I had to cancel our plans.

The conversation, via text, didn't go well. I don't remember all the details but I remember me lashing out a bit that we only had plans because I had made the attempt and her response was that it was work being my friend. And yes it was. Hello, my mom died. Grieving. It's not an excuse, it just is.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about her and sent her an email. I would have preferred to send a letter or card but I deleted her address. So I sent a short email apologizing for what had happened and telling her that I miss how much fun we had together. I sent it Friday afternoon and received a response on Monday morning. She mentioned how she appreciated my apology because she knows it's difficult to do so.

Apparently she didn't feel the need to apologize for her part. And that really bothered me. And then I realized that a)I wasn't surprised and b)I wasn't missing anything. And it got me to thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently.

We both have had to let go of a common friend. She brought up the point that this particular friend had no long term friends in her life. No girlfriends from high school, etc. I started thinking about that. I have friends in my life that go back to junior high school. We don't talk every day. In fact, we can go for weeks without talking. But if need be I can pick up the phone and say "help" and they'll answer. I have friends that were in my first wedding in 1989.

So, I wasn't surprised that I didn't receive an apology or an attempt to reconnect because this person also has no long term friends. With both these individuals it's painfully obvious that perhaps they don't know how to be a really good friend or they don't understand the value of a true best friend.

To be fair to the common friend, she really stepped up the night my mom died. I will give her that. I appreciate it like nobodys business. But she also thrives on those kinds of situations. The whole "saving the day" thing. I've known her for a few years and we've not only been friends but served on boards together and she's never really truly committed to anything. She'll step up but once she's bored, or it doesn't serve her purpose, or she's just not "feeling it" she quits.

And while I hate losing friends, do I really need these types of people in my life? Someone once told me that one of my biggest faults was that I often expected others to behave as I do. That is, if I treat a friend a certain way, I expect that friend to treat me the same. I disagree. If I send a friend a card, just because, I don't sit around waiting for them to send me one.

However, I am allowed to have expectations. I am allowed to expect to be treated a certain way. I would hope that my friends have expectations from me. And I hope that if I don't they'll step up and let me know.

"Life is too short"

2009-07-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

"Life is to short." - an easy solution for everything? Someone said that to me tonight as a justification for me to accept the situation with my dad. It really pissed me off.

First - this person is someone I admire and respect a lot. I don't doubt that he cares about my feelings, but, I didn't ask for his opinion.

I'm not a stupid person. I'm not without feelings. I'm not heartless or cold. In fact a majority of the time I put my feelings on the back burner. A lot of the time I "take one for the team."

I'm not going to spend the rest of my days refusing to acknowledge that my father has someone in his life. I fully understand that I have to come to terms with it. However, I also fully understand that I have my own issues right now. I am experiencing a lot of pain and it really sucks. I would love nothing more than to stop feeling the way I do. BUT, a big reason that I am having such a hard time is because I spent five months shoving all these feelings down. That didn't work out so well for me. So, like it or not I have no choice but to deal with it now.

So, let me deal with it. Let me work through this. I think I'm doing a good job. I have professional help. I talk about my feelings, I've come a long way. Right now I have the choice to not deal with my dad's new life. I choose to deal with that when I'm ready. On my terms - not someone elses. Yes, I know life is too short, trust me I've learned that lesson well. I just don't see it as an excuse to avoid my own issues just because I might not have a chance later on. That's a risk I have to take.

I can't start a new chapter without finishing the one I'm in. I haven't been able to say goodbye. I didn't say goodbye at the funeral. I didn't say goodbye at the gravesite. I haven't said goodbye. And until I do whatever is going on with my dad will have to wait.

I don't spend every waking moment thinking about my mom being gone. In fact several times a day, several times a week, I find myself wanting to share things with her only to remember that I can't pick up the phone and call her. I like it like that.

For me, saying goodbye means she's really gone. It means that I've accepted that my mom is really gone. And as crazy and illogical as it sounds I just can't do that. I know I have to. The anniversary looms ahead and I know that it's time to say goodbye. I know it's time to start the new chapter.

I've spent forty years having a mom around. Accepting otherwise, it's unbelievably painful. The reality is people die everyday...and people move on. I know I will move on. I just wish people would let me do that on my terms.

I'm leaving out the part about the bar and the rodeo boys

2009-07-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been almost a month since I've blogged. In my defense I was camping for eight days. EIGHT days, by the way, is too long to live in a trailer with no bathroom doors and two boys and a husband.

We went to Bridgeport, California. A spot that hubby's father and other members of his family travel to every year around the fourth. We've gone in the past, but never consistently and we're looking forward to making it a habit. We spend the week fishing, hiking, and doing day trips. We took the jeep this time and had a blast taking it off road. Unfortunately we didn't catch a lot of fish. Hubby only caught one and Beav caught two. Not a good record considering our fishing successes in the past.

After my mom died I had told my dad that he should come enjoy the week with us. My mom hated camping and I know during the past few years my father hadn't been able to go as often as he would have liked. Not to mention it's a great opportunity for him to enjoy some great quality time with the boys.

Our week at the campground went from Saturday to Saturday. We were scheduled to check out on the 4th and relocate to a hotel in town. My father arrived in town on Thursday afternoon. I drove into town to find him (not difficult to do, one main street). Immediately he needed my phone to call his girlfriend, sigh.

I took him to a great abandoned mine that we had recently learned about. You can only access it with an off road vehicle and it's a great chance to see some beautiful scenery. As expected, he loved it. Later, we hooked up with the rest of the family and grabbed some dinner. He started talking about how we was probably going to leave the next day. I was confused and asked why he would drive for seven hours and stay only twenty-four? My son's told him that he would be missing all the real fun, 4th of July pancake breakfast, parade, etc. His response was that he would have to call his girlfriend and ask if it was ok. SIGH.

He stayed until right after the parade the morning of the 4th and then left. Before he arrived I did a lot of thinking. He is now living down in Southern California, about an hour and half away from me. I don't want us to be distant. I really thought that maybe I could handle the whole girlfriend thing.

I was wrong. I'm sorry. I'm 40-years-old. I have seen my father with my mother my entire life. I am just not ready for this. And I'm so freakin' tired of everyone else telling me I'm wrong and how I should feel. And I'm angry that my father leaves me and his grandchildren to spend time with this woman's sons.

And my children were angry too.

Other than the issue with my father it was a great trip and even though I ended up having to drive into town and check into work a couple of times I did get to relax. I had no idea that I was so stressed. I returned to work feeling so relaxed and optimistic. Apparently this whole "vacation" idea is a good one.

Oh yeah, and the fireworks were cool too.

Dear Mom

2009-06-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

I almost picked up the phone and called you today. Every once in a while I find myself doing that. It's as if I forget for quick second that you're not here to talk to. After I finished interviewing three people today you were the first person I wanted to talk to. You would have appreciated the funny stories.

I mean really, when you ask a candidate why the job interests them and their answer is "because I have pain in my knees and back and I need to get it treated" you can't help but think, did you really say that out loud?

Today is your wedding anniversary. I bought you a card. How silly is that? Do you think the people in the grocery store were freaked out by the crazy redhead silently crying in front of the card display?

Really, most days I'm fine. But then a day will come up where I just can't stop crying. I miss you so much. I hate how everything has changed. I just want everything to be the way it was because now it just feels all broken.

Like my heart.

Molehills to Mountains

2009-06-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

I promised an explanation of this.

For the past couple of years I've had this little freckle on my neck. It gets bigger, grows into a mole, and then fills with blood, pops, and goes away, then comes back a few months later as a freckle.

I know, totally gross.

This time it never went away. It just kept filling with blood. And it hurt. And it looked infected. So one of the medical assistants at my office suggested I run upstairs to the skin care office just to have them take a look at it. They look at my pale skin, my freckles, and my few moles and decide a complete screening is necessary. All of a sudden this quick trip upstairs has turned into something more. Now I'm naked in a paper robe while a doctor is viewing every mole with a special magnifying glass. And then she found something that she didn't like.

It's on my leg, on my calf. She mentioned that the edges were uneven and discolored. I stared at it for awhile while she was out of the room and honestly if I wasn't looking that closely for the discoloration I would have never noticed it. That mole has been shaved off.

She did a punch biopsy on my neck. I have two tiny sutures and am now sporting a very small round band aid. Sutures have to stay in until a week from tomorrow. It will take ten days to receive the results of the biopsy.

Everyone asks if I'm worried. I'm really not. With everything else that has been happening in my life this just seems like another bump on my journey.

It's painfully obvious that God is trying to get my attention. I just wish I knew for what.

Tomorrow hubby, the kids, and myself are headed here for the weekend. We are staying at a cabin that we won through a silent auction last October. It's literally taken us this long to get a free weekend. Three fireplaces, whirlpool bathtub, right on a creek. I'm thinking heaven. Plus, we don't have to worry about any linens, firewood, etc. All we need to bring is our clothes and food for the weekend. And I plan to spend the weekend in jeans and tshirts so it's probably the easiest trip I've ever packed for.

I'm just looking forward to relaxing with my family. But don't worry, the cabin does have wifi :)

Wordless Wednesday...explanation coming soon

2009-06-11T06:32:00.000-07:00

And the Uglier

2009-06-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of different blogs. Almost all are mom blogs with the exception of a few. Everyone writes in a different style. Some write tongue in cheek and they're very funny. Some are just straight forward discussing their lives, activities, and families.

I've been blogging for about six years. I don't do it for recognition. I don't blog in the hope that I'll become famous. I don't sell ads on my blog (not that there's anything wrong with that). For me, blogging is a way to get the stuff that is in my head out. It's pretty much how I just throw up everything I'm thinking/feeling as a way to sort it out. Kind of my way of finding out if what I'm feeling is real or needs a closer look.

I don't blog about everything going on. In fact I also keep a handwritten journal. Sometimes it's just not convenient to boot up the laptop and sort things out here.

So, imagine my surprise when my last post receives a comment that starts with "I just can't keep my mouth shut any longer" or maybe it was anymore, anyway, it started with that and then proceeded to trash me or should I say trash my feelings.

First, if you have been fighting to "keep your mouth shut" well, then, you're spending WAY too much time thinking about what I write here. I mean seriously, if what you read bothers you move the hell on.

Furthermore this is a snippet of my life. This is the place where I yell out all those things that I can't yell anywhere else. For the record, the day that I wrote that post I did talk to my dad. But, that's for another post.

I understand this is public. And I understand that being public means you run the risk of people leaving negative comments, yada, yada, yada. But I'm sorry, I just don't get it. As I said I read a lot of different blogs and I often read things that I a)don't understand or b)disagree with but I've never felt the need to trash someone on their own blog.

Thanks, I feel better now. Just needed to throw up my feelings again.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

2009-06-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

It's not secret that I've been in a funk. It's a complete combination of factors and everything seems to meld into each other so I don't even know where to start. I could call my life The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Ugly:

My dad. After this conversation my dad and I haven't talked. He's called a few times but I haven't spoken to him. I'm not going to hide that fact that I'm hurt and angry. Last week my sister called me to tell me that my dad had called her and mentioned he felt like taking his own life because "his relationships were screwed up" and he was upset that I wouldn't talk to him. Then my sister tells me that I need to be the bigger person and call my dad because he's hurting. What about me? I'm hurting. What really made me angry is that then she uses God as a way to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right. Look, I know that eventually I have to forgive him. I understand what the Bible says. However, I don't think God's intention is for me to allow others to inflict pain on me and just shrug it off. I'm fairly sure that God is also concerned for my emotional welfare.

What also bugs me is that my dad used God as a way to justify that I should accept his relationship. God is my family's fallback guy.

The fact is that right now I'm fairly emotionally fragile and I'm still seriously grieving for my mom. My dad having a girlfriend, planning a wedding, and booking a honeymoon is not ok with me. I'M NOT OK WITH IT. That is my right. It's unfortunate that it hurts my dad BUT IT'S MY RIGHT. For way too long I have put everyone else's crap in front of mine. And this one time, it's my turn.

And seriously..calling and talking about taking your own life? What the hell is that? Because if you're really considering it you don't use it as a threat. TRUST ME. Back in January when my grief pretty much caused me to hit rock bottom I was considering it. Not as a way to hurt others or get people to do what I wanted, but just as a way to stop the pain. I simply didn't want to feel any anything any longer. I'm not proud that I felt this way. It's horrible. And even though I thought of it a lot, I just couldn't put my family through that. I'm not that selfish.

The Bad:

Work is killing me. I just can't ever seem to catch up and I've spent the last several weeks working myself to death trying to get everything done. The psychologist says I have a bad habit of wanting to try to fix everything and that the problem is I neglect myself because I'm trying to fix what's wrong with everybody and everything else. Which, by the way, made me feel really depressed for a couple of days when I realized she was right.

The last couple of weeks have been horrible. I'm barely working out, I haven't sparred since April. These are things that are really important to me. I go to bed with a headache, I wake up with a headache. I don't sleep well. I'm cranky with everyone. I'm so exhaused by the time I get home that I neglect my family and the other responsibilities I have.

For the love of God, I've been feeding my family leftovers for dinner.

The Good

In the past few weeks I have rediscovered how truly lucky I am for being married to such an amazing person. Seriously there is no way I could have survived the past nine months without him.

Beav performed in his musical on Sunday night. He was beaming on that stage and even though he didn't have a speaking part he really stood out. He is just so comfortable performing. On Monday morning one of his teachers pulled me aside and mentioned that she and another teacher were really impressed with his performance. She wanted to see how I felt about putting him in a performing arts high school after he's done with middle school. WOW. After all this crap, it was so nice to hear positive things. Because even with everything that's happened he's a pretty amazing kid.

So, that's the past few weeks. I've decided that I need to just write down a work schedule and stick to it. That means, not neglecting my workouts to go in early, stay late or work all day on the weekends.

I can do this.

Wordless Wednesday, Squash and Tomatoes

2009-05-27T22:06:00.001-07:00

Why my 13 year old owes me five grand

2009-05-25T20:13:00.000-07:00

Mentally I've started this post quite a few times over the past few days. Ever feel like you're on a speeding train and can't get it to slow down? That's how I feel. So many things I need/want to get done and I either run out of time to do it or just lack the motivation. I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel and I can't make it stop.

So frustrating.

During the past few weeks we've been having issues with Beaver. He does his homework but doesn't turn it in. He doesn't do his homework. He forgets to bring home things that we need to see or sign. Then when questioned he's dishonest about it. I really thought I had just reached the end of the line in terms of my patience. It just seemed that my baby boy had disappeared and I wasn't too fond of the person that took his place.

I have considered several times over the past several months that maybe Beav should live with his dad. The constant need to constantly check on him is overwhelming and dealing with my mom's death has just left me with nothing. However, after several conversations with my ex, having Beav with him full time just isn't an option. He believes that Beav does all this on purpose and his answer is he needs more meds.

Thursday night was the open house for Beav's school. After visiting all of his classes, picking up his progress reports, all with D's, one less than 2 percent away from an F, I went to the car and just started to sob. My son was almost flunking the seventh grade. I was so upset, disappointed, angry at myself and at Beav. I didn't want to be the mom of "that kid." Just saying that out loud to my hubby made me feel even worse and then I cried because I felt like such a horrible mother.

When we got home we talked to Beav in depth and over the next twelve hours found out that he had been dishonest with us several times over the past few days. Everything else I can deal with but the lying, it was just too much and I was brutally honest with Beav about it. It was as if I was looking at this boy that I didn't know any more.

Hubby took over a bit and contacted the school the next day. Beav isn't going to flunk, but he has to keep his nose very clean for the next week. The nice thing about him being in private school is that the teachers are really compassionate and understanding. The negative thing is that all I could think about is that I've paid over $5000 for my son to earn D's.

This kid is not stupid. He's super bright. He tried to tell me that he was doing poorly because school was too hard. His progress reports show different. When he does his work AND turns it in...when he studies for a test...A's. When he doesn't turn in his homework...F's. His grades are either F's or A's. No middle ground.

So...I decided that perhaps Beav needed to understand all this and explained that he owed me $5400. I started a tally on a spreadsheet and on Saturday he began working it off. I took him to my office and he did a couple of hours there and then I brought home some work and he spent the rest of Saturday doing that.

I could tell he was frustrated and we had a very candid talk in which I explained a few things:

1. I hate punishing him, but dishonesty deserves punishment
2. When you constantly lie to someone that loves and care about you, you can do irreparable damage to that relationship.
3. Without trust, it's hard to feel close to someone you love.

He pretty much started sobbing and I think (hope) that perhaps he understood how damaging dishonesty can be. We had the same conversation last night and he told me that he felt physical pain at the hurt he had caused.

I'm not going to make him work off $5400, but he'll be working off a couple of hundred, at least. I did let him watch TV, but only today and with Einstein and myself as a family activity.

Hubby is out of town and I'll be dealing with all of this by myself until he returns next weekend. I'm FAIRLY sure I can deal with it.

I just want my baby back.

Some times you have to drive two hours to talk

2009-05-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

If you've been paying attention to my tweets then you know that hubby and I have been out of town since Wednesday. We traveled to Santa Barbara for the C@ Ortho Assn annual meeting. My boss and one of our doctors also attended the meeting. We got there early afternoon on Wednesday and headed downtown to do some window shopping and grab some dinner. Well, it started out as window shopping but perhaps there was real shopping too.

Hubby and I ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant at the recommendation of a local shop owner. We started talking about some issues that have come up between us and I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it was.

We normally communicate very well but there were a couple of things that we hadn't been able to get around and somehow being out of town and relaxed gave us the ability to do that. Even though I was there for work, being away from home and the office allowed me to really relax in a way that hasn't occurred in a long time.

The remainder of the trip continued along the same theme. We were both really relaxed, happy, and seriously enjoyed each other's company. We've realized that perhaps getting away for a weekend every other month or so is required for the health of our relationship.

This trip was a bit more elaborate than most since my boss was footing the bill for our hotel and part of our meals. However, I think getting away for two nights isn't too difficult to do.

We enjoyed some really great meals and yesterday spent the afternoon wine tasting. Went to one tasting room and two wineries. One winery is becoming a favorite, Zaca Mesa. Great wines, I even like some of their whites, which is saying a lot!!!! I enjoyed their wines so much I joined their wine club. I haven't been in a wine club for years.

We also stopped in Solvang. It was a place that my mom really enjoyed visiting and I felt the need to go. Walked around a bit, poked through some shops and enjoyed some ice cream. A lot of storefronts are closed which is sad. I remember when Solvang was packed with stores and tourists.

Santa Barbara was beautiful. We did see a lot of the devastation from the fire which was sad. Lots of firefighters were still in town. They really did an amazing job of saving some homes. You could see many houses where the fire had gone right up to the edge. Having lived in a high danger area for fires myself I know that it's a risk you take for living in a beautiful area.

This post is all over the place but I'm tired and not anxious to get back to work tomorrow. Not to mention our sink is plugged and we have to have a plumber come tomorrow.

Back to real life.

Apparently I'm now an orphan

2009-05-11T21:10:00.000-07:00

I survived Mother's Day week.

I didn't have a complete meltdown like I did during Easter. I'm becoming more aware of how the holidays trigger all my emotions. This week Beav, once again, brought home progress reports showing that he isn't turning in work and he is at risk of flunking two classes. Instead of blowing up I stayed calm and delayed full consequences until this week, except for this punishment for lying. I hate being lied to.

It didn't help that my father has decided that he can no longer be my father. He called me on Tuesday and was confrontational from the start. He complained that nobody knew what he was going through and that he was going to move down to San Bernardino to be close to his girlfriend. I told him that he was running away. You can't deal with grief by avoiding it (I should know). Then he started in on me about the fact that I'm not approving of his relationship, his wedding plans, and I have refused to meet his girlfriend. Then he dropped the bombshell "If you can't accept my girlfriend than you and I can no longer have a relationship."

WOW. The therapist warned me about this and I thought I was prepared, but then I also thought that I might have to distance myself for awhile. I never dreamed that my own father would decide that his girlfriend was more important than his family.

I told him that was his decision. I also told him he was a hypocrite and apparently all the Christianity he taught me growing up was bullshit. That's not to say what I learned was wrong but instead how can he turn his back on his daughter and use the Bible to justify his actions???

Yep, he did. Going on about being yoked, yada, yada. You know I've always been considered the black sheep of the family. It wasn't until recently that I really went back to church and started taking my faith seriously. So I might have spent a lot of years living as a nonbeliever, but if anything it's taught me to really appreciate my faith. And it's taught me that just because you've lived your whole life as a Christian doesn't mean you're better or smarter than me.

I just can't believe he felt it was appropriate to call me at work and tell me this. I went home and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. He called me two days later and I decided not to speak to him. My husband answered the phone and explained that I couldn't talk and told my dad that he was pretty angry about the things that had been said to me.

Of course all my dad cares about is that I called him a hypocrite.

I'm not the kind of person that walks around carrying grudges or hating people. But when someone that is close to me really hurts me I close myself off to that person. Some words you can't take back. I'm not sure I can forgive my father telling me he can no longer have a relationship with me.

It feels that on August 16th I lost my mom and my dad.

Why I sleep on the bathroom floor

2009-05-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm alive...barely.

Can't believe I haven't updated in over two weeks. So much has happened.

My fight has been cancelled. In the beginning of April I took a kick in the ribs during sparring. It hurt and my doctor thought it was most likely bruised. I continued to train, the pain got worse. I started having trouble sleeping, lying down was difficult, I couldn't pull myself up to a sitting position. Sneezing, laughing, taking deep breaths all became difficult. My trainer suggested I think about pulling out of my fight. All I could think about was all the hard work I've done over the past several months. The hours I've spent training, the injuries, the sore muscles. Last Wednesday during my morning class my trainer was watching me struggle through routine moves. After the class he pulled me aside and told me that he just couldn't let me fight. I reacted by crying, which really isn't fighter behavior. His rationale was that it appears my injury has worsened. He worries that if I take another good kick or punch before I'm healed I risk a complete break and the puncture of a lung.

It still broke my heart. The next day, at the recommendation of my boss, I called a pain management doctor we refer a lot of our patients to. He thinks I've cracked my rib but couldn't confirm which one so he did a nerve block on T3 - T7. If you've never had a nerve block I would describe it as uncomfortable. Not especially painful, considering the pain I was already in, but lying on your stomach while someone sticks a needle in your back is not my idea of a good time. The block is designed to wrap around the rib and you can feel it, very weird, and not pleasant. It helps block a lot of the pain. The issue with that is that it helps you forget your injured until you start doing a lot of activity and are quickly reminded by the shooting pain.

The people I fight with have been awesome! Very supportive and have been quick to remind me that I'm still part of this great group of people and I will be that more ready when our next fight comes up in six months.

Today though when the email went out removing my name from the fight list and showing my replacement, I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting. Because it does.

The doctor asked me to take three months off of training. I agreed to five days, lol. I also agreed that I would take it down a notch in training to give myself time to heal. That's not too hard to do because the fight is in a week and the month after we tend to take it easy at the dojo.

I took a few days off to go up north and visit my family, which I will blog about later. I came home Monday evening and planned to get back to the dojo to Tuesday, however, fate had other plans. Tuesday evening I developed a horrible case of the stomach flu and until today haven't been able to drink or eat without severe and violent repercussions. As of today I haven't worked out in a week and a half and it's killing me.

I will still be attending fight night. My trainer has asked me to help corner and I'll do that. It's still going to be hard though. Everyone still wants me to go to the carb loading session the night before. I'm not really sure I"ll be carb loading since I won't have the opportunity to work it all off the next day. As much as I'd like to stay home and feel sorry for myself, I won't. It's unsportsmanlike and doesn't set a good example for my kids.

In the meantime I'm working on getting my energy back and finding ways to make up to my husband for everything he's had to do this week while I've been living on the bathroom floor.

Surviving

2009-04-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

Grief sucks. There is no way around it. I forget how holidays really tend to screw me up and yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had been an emotional wreck all week without knowing why. I was also a bitch. I completely overreacted to something Beav did the other day. And I seriously over-reacted. Blew up like he had just killed an entire country. Even later I couldn't figure out why I couldn't control my temper or my anger.

To top it off he did something Wednesday that really angered me and I didn't find out about it until Friday. By that time, I was done. With him sitting there I called his dad and told him that perhaps it was time for a change. Perhaps I just couldn't cut it and maybe he should live with his dad. It broke my heart. He is my baby. He wasn't thrilled either and carried on as if I had just grounded him for life.

He and his brother left early Saturday morning for a week with their dad. It was a good opportunity for all of us to take a break. Yet, I didn't feel less stressed. I spent the rest of yesterday just feeling down and crappy and angry that I couldn't figure out why. I had decided to spend the evening at home by myself since hubby was working. I was looking forward to some quiet and a chance to just be alone. I headed off to grab some frozen yogurt for later and found myself overly frustrated that I couldn't find a parking spot. Yogurtland shares the same parking lot as a grocery store. Leaving, I realized that the parking lot was so full because everyone was shopping for Easter. And that's when it hit me.

And I cried all the way home. It's obvious that on some subconscious level I had been dealing with it all week. It explains my inability to control my emotions. I only wish I had figured it out a few days ago. I came home and did my best to explain to hubby without falling apart. And then I called Beav and apologized and told him that I certainly didn't want him to ever live apart from me.

This week has been tough in so many ways. Death here in the blogging world, #maddie, my friend's grandmother the other day, and this morning I find out that a former pastor's mother just passed away. A woman I use to see every Sunday who always had a smile and a kind word. In the next seven days I have to attend two funerals and still actively deal with my own grief.

Grief sucks.

I am reading a new book called "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie. I HIGHLY recommend it. I started it today and the first chapter was amazing. I wish I had found it sooner, but perhaps it was meant to be read now at this point.

In some ways I'm more whole now than I've been in a long time. I feel an overwhelming love for my husband. It's a feeling that hasn't been there as it should have been. I think that I've spent the better part of our marriage holding a part of me back. I hate needing people but I've never needed anyone so much in my entire life. Life is so short and I don't want to spend one more minute being afraid to feel something.

Even if sometimes what I feel is very painful.

So, thank you Mom, for helping me to see how important it is to really feel love. Even when it does hurt.

Thursday Ten - Work and Psychotherapy Edition

2009-04-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

I thought instead of trying to catch up on everything happening I would just summarize in a Thursday Ten.

1. Out of the last twenty-six days I have worked twenty-four of them. This is not a good thing. Especially since I'm now salary and when I sat down and figured it out I am making less now than I was when I was just a regular office staffer. Yesterday when I had my psych appointment the psychologist put her foot down about me putting my foot down. So, today I sat down and worked out a work schedule that still has me working a lot, but a bit more realistic because in her words "I need a life."

2. One of the casualties of more work is less working out. This is starting to freak me out because I have a fight coming up five weeks from Saturday. My trainer keeps reassuring me that everything will be fine but ACK, I am freaking out!!

3. In my desire to "get a life" I have started my own local wine club. It's something that I've been thinking about and one of my girlfriends told me to basically just do it, so I did. Check out the D'Vine Divas here.

4. Speaking of the psychologist my father has not managed to drive me crazy in the last few days. He took his "new" family to Knotts Berry Farm last Friday, that was fun to explain to my kids. They were all like why hasn't grandpa ever taken us to Knotts Berry Farm? How do you answer that?

5. As if my kids haven't had enough to deal with my son's step-mother's mother, basically their step-grandma, just died the other day of brain cancer. Einstein is as stoic as ever. Beav, on the other hand, is a bit of a wreck. This is the third death they've had to deal with since July. That's just nuts.

6. One of my employees asked me today if she could get her nose pierced and I said sure. It seemed hypocritical of me to say no since mine is pierced. Hope the doctor's don't mind. But they did make me the boss.

7. Speaking of doctors, one of the ones I work for began behaving like a total ass and screamed at me on the phone yesterday. Unfortunately my husband was in my office when this occurred and he was none too happy. I believe he mentioned words such as "chicken shit."

8. Tomorrow night I plan to go to my first Long Beach tweet up. I'm kinda excited although I can't stay out very late because I train on Saturday morning.

9. Saturday night I'm going here with one of my girlfriends. I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since the night my mom died. There is a lot less of me now so it will be interesting to see how people respond.

10. The best thing about the upcoming weekend - I am not working!

Till death do us apart and the tombstone is in place

2009-03-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

Work is slowly progressing. The doc and I both know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we're just hoping to see it soon. I am working my ass off, although it's still there, but I feel good about the work I'm doing and I'm glad I could help.

My father has pretty much upset all of his children. My sister warned me that he could be possibly bringing his "girlfriend" to my house when he arrives on Thursday night. I had to call him to give a head's up because I don't want to meet her.

That is my prerogative and my choice. I've talked about it extensively with my psychologist and she's assured me that this is a correct decision for me. I seriously can't put making my father feel better about his choice above my own mental health. I discussed his choices with him today and it became a very heated argument. Now my father has decided to close his business, because "she" feels it's unsafe. Now he has decided he needs to move to Southern California to be closer to her even though most of his family lives up north. And the biggie..he told me that he is waiting to marry "her" out of, and are you ready for this load of shit, respect for me.

I basically told him that he was being disrespectful to the memory of my mother. I also explained that at this point even thinking of him marrying someone else made me literally sick to my stomach and I didn't want to even discuss it.

I swear, I don't know who he is. I reminded him that every grief source I've consulted discourages you from making any major decisions for at least a year. He argued with me saying that everything he's consulted says everyone reacts differently. Yes, that's true I told him and those same people say wait a year before making any major changes.

I'm pretty sure that I'd be hard pressed to find a source that says after your wife of 41 years suddenly dies you should find a girlfriend, that was related to her, quit your job, move away from everyone, and remarry in less than a year.

I'm just saying.

I only complain a little

2009-03-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

I worked TWELVE hours today. And I hardly made a dent in what I needed to get done. I brought work home but haven't been able to touch it yet.

As if all the work crap isn't enough I am trying to staff my parent workers for Grand Prix. After doing this it's quite obvious that people do not pay attention to detail. Inevitably half the responses I receive ask me questions that were addressed in my email. So then I have to spend more time answering questions I've already answered. Sometimes, just to be a bitch, I cut and paste from the original email I sent. Just my way of saying, hey dumbass, pay attention.

I'm very grateful that I have a job and I love being busy, even though I'm maxed. BUT, I have mixed emotions about being manager. It's a good skill and a big step up. But medical billing is my first love and I don't want to get too far away from that. There is only so far I can go though in that position.

I'm certainly learning on a trial by fire basis.

Tonight while I was trying to finish up at work my IPOD shuffled up some slower sad songs. The kind of songs that make me melancholy. I often have very poor judgment when it comes to friendships. A lot of people that I don't like right away end up being my very good friend. But then there are those that I think I will be friends with forever and it ends up badly. I've reached a point where I no longer trust my judgment where people are concerned. I really hate feeling like this.

You know what I'd like. I'd like some sort of test. You know, like what they do for drugs or alcohol. "Here, breath in this. Oh, green, that means you'll be loyal to the end."

Obviously I'm tired. I should quit talking now.

Apparently now I'm a crook

2009-03-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm settling into the new job, SLOWLY. It's been a wild ride. Today I did payroll for the first time. I don't think I mucked it up too bad. There's only been one real "incident" since I took over. Last Thursday, while I was sitting at home enjoying a nice wine buzz, my cell phone rang. It was one of the employees that we had let go. She was calling to tell me that she had received a letter from EDD advising her that there was no balance for unemployment insurance.

This part is important. She didn't call me crying or panicky. She called me all angry and pissed off. I'm not sure what I was suppose to do about it at 8pm on a Thursday night and I told her so. Then she told me that she was going to come into the office the next day to talk to the head doc. I asked her what purpose that was going to serve and her response was that she wanted the doc to know what was going on. I explained to her that since she had disturbed my evening I was going to be sure that I told the doc.

Of course I spend the rest of my evening going back and forth wondering if my former manager did not pay EDD and being really angry at the former employer for calling me.

When I got to work the next day I found out that she had called all of the employees. One of them asked her what her purpose was for calling me. She told them it was because she felt I needed to know. Now I'm even more pissed off. I quickly discover that we have, in fact, been paying EDD.

Shortly after I get a call from said employee who announces that she had filed under the wrong employer name which is why she got the letter. "So, let me get this straight. You call all the employees, create hysteria, ruin my evening, all because of a mistake you made?" She gets all self righteous on me and tells me that she had called me on Thursday evening because she wanted to be comforted. She did not call me for comfort. She called me because she was pissed and she wanted to yell at someone. I called her on it, and she stuck to her guns that she wanted comfort and then told me that obviously my position has gone to my head.

Then she proceeded to tell me that my former manager would have always been available during off hours for such reasons. That's total bullshit. I just replied with "well, look where that got you." I mean seriously because of my former manager she is out of a job. Her response, "well who says you won't do the same thing."

That was her way of inferring that I would commit fraud, steal, and lie.

This from a woman who has been working under the table for another one of our docs but tells everyone she is "volunteering." Which you know is bullshit because who "volunteers" their time at their former place of employment.

I'm one step away from reporting her.

Here's where I drop the f bomb

2009-03-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

Obviously my new responsibilities at work have created a lot of stress. I think I've been handling it very well, considering the circumstances. I've been trying to tackle everything by handling one thing at a time. It's a lot of pressure. In some ways I feel that the head physician is kind of counting on me to fix everything. I just can't do that.

Today we had a meeting with all the physicians..and their wives. If you've ever worked in a medical practice you won't have to ask why the wives where there. If you haven't...well, I'm not sure I can explain it to you. It was not a fun meeting. There was a lot of anger..none of it directed at me, but still, very uncomfortable. I think I handled it well and I came out of the meeting feeling that most of the docs are somewhat confident in me and what I'm willing to do. I certainly don't give them excuses or try to brush them off and already that's a step in the right direction.

I also had to talk to an individual working for a federal government agency that shall go unnamed in this blog. That wasn't fun.

Then at 5pm I left for the day. It was time for my hair appointment. I've been going to the same hairdresser for years. He knows way more about me than most of my friends. It's such a cliche, but it works. We had a lot to catch up on because so much has happened in the past week. I even enjoyed some wine, which is rare. He was laughing because I was feeling pretty free spirited and, dare I say it, a bit happy.

I continued home and opened a bottle of wine. I figured since I had started on that journey I should see it through. Ivan, the hairdresser, cut me off after I used the term "mofo." Then my phone rings.

A former employee, that is one of the individuals that was laid off last week, calls me ON MY CELL PHONE AT 8PM AT NIGHT to tell me that EDD has informed her there are no unemployment funds.

Now, I'm not sure what this means because 1)I'm a bit tipsy and 2)I've been a manager/payroll person/superwoman for less than a week. I suspect that it means the former manager never paid EDD the money that is taken out of our check twice a month. This would not surprise me in the least. Then former employer proceeds to tell me she is going to come in the office tomorrow to get some answers. Oh really? If that were the case WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CALL ME AT 8PM AT HOME?

Are you sensing my irritation? I mean seriously people. I had a good buzz going. I was seeing very nice uninhibited bedroom time with my hubby in my future. Don't get me wrong. I understand she was upset. Rightly so. However, calling me isn't going to make it better. I can't call EDD at 8pm on a Thursday evening.

The more I thought about it the more pissed I got. In fact I hope she does come in tomorrow. Because there is a small piece of my mind left and I plan on giving it to her. And while I'm at it. She's lucky I don't turn her in. Because she has been working the past two days in our office for one of our semi-retired doctors. She told me she was "volunteering" her time. He told my head doctor that he was paying her out of his own money. If he's paying her then I could let EDD know. In fact, right before she called I was telling hubby that I was in a bit of a dilemma because of this situation. Today I received the papers from EDD asking me if I knew that any of the employees were, in fact, working.

I feel better now. Only because people on twitter freaking rock. Yes they do. I don't like sharing my crap on there. In fact, I didn't intend to. It was the bad combination of wine and a who gives a fuck attitude that caused me to vomit up emotions.

But those twitter folks, they came through. I'm constantly amazed at the beauty and kindness of others. It seriously gives me pause and reminds me that all of this other shit is temporary.

Except for my mom being dead. That's permanent. And by the way, speaking of such. I understand my dad is lonely. I get that. Put yourself in my shoes. My parents have been married for over forty years. One day my mom is here, the next she's gone. And seven months later my dad wants to show up with another woman. I just can't do it. Unless you're A)a girl and b)lost your mom you really can't get it, but I appreciate the thoughts anyway.

Please remember this post was written while consuming my fourth glass of wine.

RIP Honeybear

2009-03-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

When my mom died I never cursed God. I didn't get angry at God, blame God, shake my fist at him....none of those things, even though everything I've read told me it was perfectly normal.

Until today. As I was walking into the psych office (and don't miss the irony here) my father called, crying, to tell me my mom's cat HoneyBear died.

Honeybear was my mom's baby. A very spoiled Persian cat. My mom LOVED cats. Cat knickknacks everywhere. When you called my mom and dad's house the answering machine stated, "you've reached Al, Sharon, and Honeybear."

For some reason...this news kicked off the blame game.

On the way home from the psych appt (all fifteen minutes of it because I got called back to work and don't miss the irony here again that my stress level is off the charts and I have to leave the psych appt) I raged against God. Wasn't it enough that you took my mom? You had to take her cat too? What the hell????????!!!!!!

I continued along those lines for awhile, sobbing while heading up the 710, hoping I could pull it together before I got back to work.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. Apparently my father feels that he needs to explain, in writing, why he wants to date. It's at least four pages and I'm not interested in reading it at all. I'm really not sure I will. But I definitely can't read it tonight.

There's so many other things going on but I can't even get into it right now. I would really like to go to sleep and wake up when all of this is over.

I don't see that happening.

The Rest of the Story

2009-03-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

So....the rest of the story.

Apparently our current office manager has been playing a bit of a shell game. And left our practice in a bit of a mess. The doctor called me to tell me the bad news. I was waiting for him to tell me that they were going to be laying me off. But instead he asked if I would consider taking over the manager position.

I have only ran a medical practice once and it was considerably smaller than this one. I'm pretty freaked out. I spent the whole weekend there trying to sort stuff out. I was hoping I'd feel a bit more in control but instead I just feel completely lost.

On Friday they terminated her and had her show me some things before she left. Can we say awkward? It's a real big mess and a lot more complicated than I can really go into to. I have to be careful because this might have legal consequences.

As if this isn't enough. My father calls me Friday to ask me a question regarding my mom's headstone. The headstone that he is finally getting around to taking care of. In the middle of the conversation he switches topics and wants to know if he can bring HIS GIRLFRIEND TO MY HOUSE SO THAT I CAN MEET HER! I don't want to meet her. I don't want to meet my dad's girlfriend. The whole thing is sick!!

Then today I find out that he is thinking of moving down here, well to San Bernardino where she lives. OMG. This is not good. He is going to move away from the majority of his children and grandchildren to be with this woman?

My appointment with my psychologist is on Wednesday. Someone should tell her to get the admit papers ready.

Viewer discretion is advised

2009-03-05T19:01:00.000-08:00

I've been twittering today about some stuff going on at work. I can't go into details about it....yet.
The best place to start is at the beginning. Yesterday.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Wednesdays are when I see the shrink. I normally have to rush out of work and drive directly to the shrink's office. It takes me fifteen minutes so I literally get there right at the start of the appointment. It was a good appointment. We talked about several issues - my job interviews, the issue with Beav, issues with hubby, and of course my father who has obviously lost his mind. She thinks that I'm doing well, under the circumstances, and applauded my reactions and handling of all the things going on.

After that I had to rush home because at 6:30 I was leading the parent meeting at Einstein's school. Normally the chair leads the meeting but she couldn't be there so I was stepping in. I rushed home, showered, rushed back out. The secretary of the board is currently pissed at me. Would you like to know why? Of course you would.

After our board meeting last week, which was on Monday night, she asked me to email her a list of the agenda items for the meeting we had last night. I advised her that I would do so. The next evening she emailed me again and reminded me that she needed the list. It had been TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!!! So I responded politely, via my blackberry, that as soon as I had a chance to sit down at my laptop I would do so. Wednesday afternoon I received another email, this time copied to the chair, reminding me once again that she needed the items. Ok, now I'm annoyed. So I email her back and tell her that while I appreciate her diligence I felt that emailing me three times in a 48 hour period was a bit extreme. She responded by telling me she would never "bother you again." Seriously, how flippin' old are you?

So last night I'm at the meeting and I have to ask her for some stuff and she comes off as a total biotch. I mean come on, seriously, grow up!!!!

I start the meeting, hand it off to one of the teachers to make announcements and my phone rings. "private number" I don't answer because well, I'm suppose to be leading a meeting. It goes to voice mail. And then I get a text message from hubby. He tells me that the head physician at my office is trying to get ahold of me. (Sidenote - physician is also reserve pd and my husband use to be in charge of the reserves so they know each other).

I start to freak out and since the meeting is in good hands with the current speaker I sneak out to return the call.

...to be continued.

Where is a parachute when you need one?

2009-03-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been ages since I updated. I've been a bad blogger. Is there a bad blogger jail? I've been busy, but I'm not sure with what.

I do work out a lot, but since I dropped school you would think I would have more time on my hands. However, whatever free time I have just gets sucked up by something else. Lately that something is Beav.

Beav, my "special" child. The child that can give me the biggest smile and the biggest heartache. Last week he pushed every button I have and then some. Unfortunately he also pushed all the buttons of his history teacher who responded by calling my hubby. Sometimes Beav's ADHD is just too much. Emotionally I'm already pulled so tight that his "antics," for lack of a better world, just push me over the edge. And last week I went over the edge and flying off the cliff. I really felt like I was done and wanted to send Beav to live with his dad. Deep down I know this is not the best place for him. Or is it?

I don't know. But the thought of sending my baby away was so painful. But I just felt like I had nothing left to handle things. I did agree that I would give it a couple days of thought, and I did. And he is staying, but I kind of let him have it. And then we met with the principal, his history teacher and the head teacher and we kind of let him have it again, but in a supportive way. It was nice to hear the teachers tell him that he was indeed a bright kid. I think he needed to hear it. And you know what, he is bright.

If this kid tried even just a little bit, he would have all A's and B's. That isn't even giving it 110 percent. That's just what he can achieve if he gets his shit together. I'm hoping that he finally got the message.

Other than that, it's all quiet here one the homefront. I'm dealing with an issue that I can't share here, but I've got to work it out. It's on my mind way too much and I need to either let it go or accept it's there. Geez, can I be any more vague?

My bladder and my dad, but not together

2009-02-21T09:36:00.001-08:00

So, while I'm sitting in urgent care (possible bladder infection), I might as well update. God, I love technology.

My sister called me last night very angry, not at me, but at my father, who has obviously lost his mind. He called her to let her know he was coming back down here (southern California) to see my mom's cousin again. Apparently, to use his words, its become "serious."

Look, I understand lonely. Find yourself a f&$€ buddy. Don't tell your children, who are still majorly mourning the loss of their mother, that you're serious about another woman. Because what we hear is "I found someone to replace your mom.". I know that's not what he means but that's what we hear.

Last night I dropped my classes. It means two "W" on my transcript, but I think I can take the hit. I dropped three out of four and the three I dropped aren't necessary for my transfer. The class I kept is but doesn't start until the middle of next month. I just can't seem to get my crap together. The psychologist says that its normal to be like this for at least a year. I hate it. I spent all day Monday working ahead and then on Thursday I submitted homework for the chapter that isn't due until next week. Basically I turned in the wrong homework and she doesn't accept late work unless I give her advance notice. I was already dinged for missing another assignment and I decided the W was better than an C. I hate feeling so disorganized all the time. Its so unlike me and it angers me.

Then there is the crap with my job. Last week my boss told everyone she was cutting their hours. She wants everyone to cut four hours. I don't work full time as it is so this is an issue. I started thinking that maybe it was time to find a new job full time. The extra money would be nice. But, even with the issues I have at work, there are a lot of positives. Its very flexible, if I need time off or have to leave because of something with my kids, its never a big deal. And I make pretty good hourly wage for my field. And they let me work part time which allows me to stay in school. Yesterday I talked to my boss about the cut and how many hours she wanted me to work. She told me to keep it at 30 hours or less a week. That is what I work now, before the cut. So, um, yeah its cool. I told hubby that I was inclined to stay where I was at. This job, even with its issues, allows me to have other priorities - my family, school, training.

I still have interviews scheduled and I will keep those. They were arranged by a headhunter and it makes her look bad if I cancel. Besides you never know, something fabulous might come up.

I'm going to go pee in a cup now.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A New Face Every Day

2009-02-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

I finished one of my grief books today "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye." Excellent book. So helpful in terms of knowing that I really am not losing my mind. This book also asserts that while there are different grief phases, nobody goes through them the same way and it's normal to not go through them as listed.

I keep hearing, "after a year you'll feel better." I found myself looking forward to this magical year mark. Would something switch inside of me? Would my heart be magically healed? It's simply not possible. A little over a year from now when Einstein graduates from high school my tears will be of joy and of sadness that my mom isn't here to see it. The first time my son is in uniform, I will cry again that my mom isn't here to see it. That was a huge connection for her, my son's love of the military and my grandfather's military service. Einstein received my grandfather's uniform, pins, and paperwork. I knew she would have wanted him to have it.

I interviewed today with an agency who has me going in for an interview with a family practice group tomorrow. I've researched the group and on paper, I really like them. They seem to be very community based and even though that's not my community, that kind of thinking follows my personal philosophies. Anyways, I was joking with Beav that it would be cool if I got the job because then that could be his doctor because my mom worked for my doctor when I was his age. That made me cry. It was a happy memory (except for when the doctor I saw for birth control sent my records over there).

Anyway, there are three of us interviewing for the position and the other two are bilingual and I'm not. They prefer someone bilingual but have told the agency that if the non bilingual candidate is the strongest they will go with that person. On the plus side I have billed for some of their speciality items that they do AND I have used their billing software.

It's been awhile since I've worked a regular 40 hour work week but it would be nice to be somewhere where I "belong." I always feel temporary where I'm at now. Not only that but they want to eventually promote the person that they hire. And there could possibly be a bonus for cleaning up some of the aging, which is a speciality of mine.

Who knows what will happen? All I can do is cover up the tats and do my best to impress the heck out of them.

In the meantime I leave you with this:

"You don't get over it
you just get through it
you don't get by it
because you can't get around it
it doesn't "get better"
it just gets different
every day...
grief puts on a new face"

These Wounds are Self Inflicted

2009-02-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in...forever. Well except for my rant yesterday but I just had to get that off my chest.

I always make the mistake of posting after I've caught up on reading the fifty gazillion blogs I follow. All blogs written by amazing witty women...and then I feel so completely inadequate. But, I persist. If only to get shit out of my head, which sometimes makes me feel better. A big goal of mine is to blog consistently, it's just tough. I'm one of those people who THRIVE on routine. Call it boring, but doing the same thing every day at the same time, I LOVE IT. Spontaneity is not one of my strong suits. Lately though, it's been hard to maintain some type of schedule. Things keep coming up that mess up my carefully orchestrated blackberry induced schedule. It really drives me nuts. I'm hoping that during the three day weekend (one day of which is already gone) I can catch up on some stuff and actually work ahead in school so that I can handle life's little surprises better.

In the meantime, here's the scoop:

VDay: I hope everyone had a nice one. I know that many of you are totally anti VDay and I feel your pain. I'm a complete unromantic. However, hubby is not. He made plans to see this, the Hooray for Hollywood show, or as I like to call it the Horror of Hollywood show because it was the WORST DINNER THEATER EVER. The only good thing about it was the food, which was shocking because I was totally expecting rubber chicken. It was so bad, campy bad. Hubby felt bad but it wasn't as if we had a horrible time, so the night wasn't a bomb. I decided to go with the anti -valentine look and didn't dress all romantic. Leopard print slinky dress, fishnets, bright red patent leather heels, and kick ass jewelry. My charm bracelet had red hearts, daggers, guns, and meat cleavers. I'm just romantic about weapons. Hubby also sent me a pajama gram which was sweet and took my mom's watch in to have it cleaned up. All in all, it was a nice day.

Notice the black nails and the blood on the dagger, hehehe.

Beav: Beav and Einstein left to see their dad on Friday night. I received a text from him after we said goodbye letting me know that he had raised all his grades and no longer had any D's or F's. This is a very big deal and I'm so proud of him. You know what, I need to tell him that. Hold on, I'm going to text him right now. Ok, done. He has been working very hard and I've been nagging him like crazy. I just hope that he keeps it up.

Work: If anyone read my twitters Friday they could tell work was not going well. My boss held an employee staff meeting on Thursday afternoons. I don't work Thursday afternoons so never mind that she should have discussed things with me privately. I get to work Friday morning to find out everyone is getting their hours cut. I have to wait two hours for her to get there because she doesn't come in until 10am. She wouldn't even look at me directly when I asked her about it. This is basically how the conversation went:

Me - "Um, so what happened yesterday because I'm hearing all kinds of crazy stuff"

Peg Bundy (because seriously this woman so ways too much wrinkly cleavage) - "Well, with the issues we're having having with Medicare we need to make some cuts, but just temporary. Everyone has been asked to work four hours less a week."

Me - "I already only work part time and now you want me to give up four more hours a week?"

Peg Bundy-"Well, you work about 64 hours a pay period so if you could do 60, that would be good, just come in an hour late or leave an hour early every day (I love how she makes it sound like she's doing me a favor. Also, if I do that then I'm giving up four hours a week, not four hours a payday. Friday's don't count, those are four hour days anyway).

Me - "Yeah, I don't think I can do that."

Peg Bundy- "Well, if you could just try."

TRY? Try to make less when I have a kid in private school. And yes, I know that's a choice, but it's the right choice for Beav.

So, I'm outta there. Which sucks because it's hard to find good paying part time jobs in my profession. And the full time jobs aren't paying what I make, but I'll still make more money if I go full time somewhere else. So, I won't be able to go to school and I will have to work full time. None of this good. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's tough.

Kickboxing - This is my last free Sunday until my fight. Starting next weekend I spar on Saturdays and Sundays to better prepare myself for an ass kicking (not sure whose ass, mine or someone elses). The upside of this is that I will be better prepared and it also will really speed up my weight loss and toning. Sparring burns up to about 3000 calories. The downside is that I'm so wiped out after Saturday sparring and it normally takes me until Monday to feel all normal again. Now I won't have any down time. However it is super necessary and I'm ready for the challenge. I have noticed a huge improvement in my confidence and skills. Other's have noticed it too and commented on it, so that's really nice. Just a few months ago I never thought I'd feel the way I feel now. Don't get me wrong, I still have a LONG ways to go. I can't seem to block a round kick to my head for the life of me which is why I'm an inside fighter. I'm often shorter than most of the people I spar with so my range is less than theirs. I like to stay inside. I have found that a lot of people are uncomfortable with that and just shut down as soon as you do that. Some get mad and I've been knocked around a bit, but it's my style and there's nothing wrong with it. Yesterday I got in a great cross to someone's jaw and OMG it felt so good. I think he was surprised also and gave me props for it. Of course he paid me back with a knee to my stomach so that wasn't fun, but alls well that ends well.

School - So I took the easy route this semester to get myself back into the swing of things. Mostly business classes, almost all online. I started two last week and two more start in March. My business communications professor is completely whack. How can you be a department chair of a business department and be so completely disorganized? Seriously. Plus, in every online class I've ever taken my tests have been online. Normally timed, to prevent massive cheating. Nope, in her class it's scantron and I have to have the tests there by noon on the due date, which is twice a week. The main reason people take online classes is because they work during the day. HELLO??? So, the only other option is to mail the tests. However to be sure they get there in time I need to mail them super early which means I'm going to have to work ahead. I'm already so frustrated by the whole process.

BTW..do you know blogger doesn't recognize the word scantron? Sigh.

Put a Fork in Me, I'm Done

2009-02-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

You know, I really thought I was making progress.

Then my dad showed up. God forbid he came down here to see me. Nope arrived this evening and leaving tomorrow morning at 6am.

Because he has a date with my mom's cousin tomorrow night. A date on Valentine's day. My mom hasn't even been dead six fucking months.

And he doesn't understand why I'm upset. And apparently he doesn't understand the words "I don't want to talk about it."

LESS THAN SIX MONTHS. But for me it was yesterday. I honestly feel like I'm going to throw up. I seriously just want to shut down. I'm so done with all this crap.

I can't believe he drove four hundred miles to go on a date. I really don't think I'm being silly. LESS THAN SIX MONTHS.

From the Hat Hotel to Psychotherapy

2009-02-03T21:22:00.000-08:00

Recently I made some changes to my bedroom. You may not know that I have a huge passion for purses and hats. It was starting to get crowded:

To the right is my "purse tree" and of course my stack of hat boxes.

Afterwards I had what hubby called "purse tower" and "hat hotel."

Thanks to everyone who gave me fantastic feedback with the issues I was having with Beav. I certainly don't want to discourage him from doing anything he wants to do. I did buy him a book called "You Are Not Alone Seeing Your Struggles Through The Eyes of God." It's geared towards teenagers and each chapter deals with a different feeling, for example 'Sometimes I feel disappointed.' The chapters are small and give the reader verses and reassures the reader that what they're feeling is normal and how to pray about it. He really appreciated the book and is in better spirits, although he still wants to quit choir.

Of course before the incident with Beav, I talked about this. As I mentioned in my last post I could feel myself completely getting stressed with what happened and I had to give myself a time out. I went into my room and I could feel the familiar pain start up, the inability to breath started and then I looked at the clock. I had thirty minutes to get myself to the dojo for kickboxing and sparring, I needed to pull it together and get ready.

Then the lightening bolt hit. This is exactly what I've been doing the past five months. Instead of dealing what I'm feeling I push it aside and go about business. NOT THIS TIME. I picked up the phone and called my sister. I've always hesitated to do this because she is a stay at home mom with eight kids and really, does she have the time to hear me whine? But she answered and immediately knew something was up. She put everything aside and let me talk, or I should say cry, because I just let it all out. I told her everything I was feeling, what the psychologist said, why I don't talk about how I feel, everything.

My little sister, she's pretty smart and unfortunately familiar with grief as she has had a miscarriage and a stillborn. She recommended I read books on grief. We both love to read and she felt that my biggest issue was needing to know that what I was feeling was normal. She joked that she had her own grief book library and recommended a few. I have to admit I felt amazing after we talked. I was laughing and smiling and I really never knew that sharing like that could be so helpful.

The best part was that it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. That doesn't mean everything is champagne and roses, but I really felt as if I had a victory. And I really started grieving.

After last weeks success I felt good about things. I knew that it was still an uphill battle but I was optimistic. I even went back to church. I avoid church when I'm wrestling with something that yesterday my pastor referred to as a "secret sin.". Something that as a Christian I've allowed in my life and it doesn't belong.

Sunday the pastor spoke on the very subject. It was weird because he mentioned so many things that had crossed my mind over the last two weeks. He spoke about how we try to justify behavior that we know is wrong. How we try to tell ourselves that its just our issue and it doesn't hurt anyone else. I said those very same things to myself all of last week and yesterday was reminded that I've just been feeding myself a line of crap.

Its not as if, though, you decide 'ok, I am ridding myself of this' and then your life becomes perfect. I feel unburdened by a lot of the things that were weighing on me before however, there are reasons I started to travel down that road and those reasons still exist. My life doesn't suddenly become perfect because I've decided to do the right thing. For me, a day can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. Some stressors are just too much right now and I can feel negativity and anger cover me like a blanket. That's when the justification starts. That's when I start to tell myself 'well, I'm upset and if I do abcde that will make me happy and don't I deserve to be happy?' This is a familiar refrain and not one that I just say to myself but one I hear from others as motivation to continue down the wrong path.

It's obvious that psychotherapy puts me on a new journey. Hopefully it's a journey full of enlightenment, self-discovery, a better relationship with God, a better relationship with my family, and regained self-confidence.

crush a dream?

2009-01-30T09:10:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was Beav's weekly choir practice. It was a significant day because last week he tried out for a speaking part in the musical they do at the end of the school year.

This is his second year in choir and last year he had a part as an understudy. Knowing how important this was to him I was anxious about hearing how it turned out. During the day I had been saying little prayers for him. The thing is that I think Beav has the ability to be a great performer, however not in the area of singing, which these speaking parts require.

I arrived at practice a little early to pick him up and once I noticed kids coming out of the building, no Beav. I waited a bit longer, no Beav. So I finally went in and headed to their practice room, no Beav. Walked around, looked everywhere and headed back to the choir room to ask the director if she knew where he was. She looked a little puzzled and said that he had told her that he had to leave early and had taken off 20 minutes ago. For a few moments all I felt was sheer terror because I had absolutely no idea where he was.

I headed back out and find him standing by the car. Of course I immediately started grilling him and he kept replying that he thought hubby had told him that he was picking him up early and when he saw hubby wasn't here he went to talk to one of the preschool teachers.

I knew he was lying and pretty much begged him to just come clean. He stuck to his story. So, I called him out because I had been there early and if indeed he had come out looking for hubby, he would have seen me.

Then he came clean. He didn't get the part and he was so upset that he just left early and he went to one of the teachers he knows to talk about it.

Dishonesty has been an issue with the child and recently I explained in no uncertain terms that it would not be tolerated. I was so angry I couldn't even speak. On the way home he kept trying to explain and I very firmly told him that I didn't want to hear it.

Part of the issue with me (see yesterdays post) is that I'm so taxed emotionally that when something happens to add to my anger I have a very difficult time staying in control.

I ended up giving myself a time out.

Later when beav and I talked about it he explained that he was so angry (he defintely inherited my bad temper) about not getting the part that he left because he was afraid he was going to show his temper to his fellow choir members.
He yelled and cried that it wasn't fair, that the boy that got the part was stupid, wasn't talented, how the boy kind of threw it Beav's face that he got it. How the boy didn't even want the part but the director made him try out.

He railed against all the injustices. And then we talked about it. I applauded his maturity in realizing that his anger could be a problem but explained that lying to the director was wrong and he had to take responsibility for it. Lying to me was wrong and he agreed explaining that he had lied because we were outside and there were other kids around and he was afraid that if he told me what had really happened he would have gotten upset and he didn't want the kids to see him cry.

I understand that and we discussed what he could/should have done.
It was a long discussion and he is still angry. Apparently, acting is his dream and he feels his dream has been taken away. He is angry with God because if God really loved him he would understand how important this is and he would have gotten the part. I did my best to explain that sometimes what God has planned for us doesn't really line up with our plans.

But here is my dilemma - how do I explain that perhaps his talents lie elsewhere and maybe this is not the right dream for him or do I explain that all.

This boy, with all his issues and constant struggles, is such a joy. He is so amazing in so many ways. He has so many talents and the biggest heart. I don't want to crush his dreams, but how and do I steer him away from this goal and onto something else?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

What $5.99 buys you on ebay

2009-01-27T09:09:00.001-08:00

Apparently the ebay lady is one of those types that has to have the last word. I've never understood that. I don't feel compelled to get the last word in. At some point you run out of things to say.

My email requesting a refund wasn't rude. It just seemed that the entire transaction was a waste of time at this point. However, she seemed to think that I was really upset. "Sure. I don't understand why you seem so mad. You could have just left whatever feedback you wanted. I have a home business for cancer patients and have had someone helping me here. I got them to help with the packages and abviously it didn't work out. I emailed all of my customers and don't think one is as upset as you. Hope your day gets better."

This is the second time she has mentioned her cancer patient work. Good for her and all that, but its irrelevant. So I responded again. I reminded her that this is a business transaction and I was hardly angry, I just didn't feel like it was worth additional time. I probably could have stopped there but I told her that I thought it was tacky that she used the whole cancer thing as an excuse. I mean its really about choices. She chooses to drive to the US to ship products. I didn't ask that of her.

Well, this apparently sent her over the edge. "By my own admission, I DID for get your parcel. What do I do? I drive down weekly. If I had mailed it from here you probably still would have seen it by now. I was asking you not to put the shipping as slow. You could have written in the space that it was slow. It's the marking that stops us from selling. I have been fight ing the new system and everybody hates it. I can have someone who does pay for weeks and I'm not aloud to leave anything but positive. It's positive or nothing. Anyways, me mentioning that I working with cancer patients isn't tacky. I am a survivor and I offer a great service for women in treatment. I have been very busy with my new business and had someone helping me and it didn't work out. Abviosly I have to follow through with things myself rather than relay on other people. You know, I bought something from the States Jan 12th. I emailed them once and then put in a item not receive through paypal. I still haven't been refunded ($60) and I still haven't left feedback. Something could have happened to them, I dont know. Whatever, life happens, and sometimes I might forget a parcel. I have apologized and not much else to do. "

I now know way more about this person than is necessary. I'm just thankful that I don't feel the need to respond.

I have resigned from the sex toy selling business. Well, I resigned/got fired, but not in a bad way. I haven't done a party since November and I have no desire to do more. Perhaps if I could only do parties for kinky people, but all I seem to get is ghetto girls who don't want to spend any money.

I do need some type of home based business though because it saves my ass at tax time. I'm thinking Avon. No parties, just put out catalogs. Besides, I like the Avon.

I've had a couple other party companies contact me but I just think I'm done. Between the prep time, gas, three hours talking and selling, and dealing with stupid questions, its just not worth the money. In the good days I was pulling $150 plus a party. Now, I'm lucky to break $80.

The worst part, no more employee discount.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I know there was a Saturday in there somewhere.

2009-01-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

Did a weekend happen? Because I'm pretty sure I missed it.

Saturday I had three hours of kickboxing. One hour of class and then two straight hours of sparring. Two hours of full contact. I haven't been full contact since I broke my foot..well except for that day where I tried to snap my calf in two but you know how that went.

I am literally covered in bruises from my stomach down. The one on my stomach is the worse. It's big and purple and very angry looking. Hubby asked if I was sure something wasn't broken it looked that bad. I got kicked in the crotch, which has never happened before and there is a bit of purpling there. Add a huge one on my left thigh, a nasty one above the knee, about four on the inside of my thigh and then my right leg is peppered with small ones from the kneecap down.

It's beautiful. My trainer told me though that I gave as good as I got and that made me feel a lot better. It's not how I look, it's how the other guy looks, lol. Nevermind that I spent most of Sunday wearing an icyhot patch on my back.

My dad arrived Saturday evening and we spent all day Sunday out. We headed off to the Simi Valley to go to the Reagan Presidential Library. I really love this museum and never get tired of going there. I was especially excited because they are displaying the Magna Carta and how many times in your life do you get to see that? I love that my boys love history and get a kick out of it. We took the long way back via Ventura (stopped and did a little shopping, shocking I know), headed up Highway 1 and returned to Long Beach for a great lobster dinner at Gladstones.

It was a really great day and I was amazed that we were home by 8. I was exhausted so I decided to not take a sleeping pill. I regretted this decision as I lay there wide awake until about 1:30 in the morning. I belive I got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. I really wish I could just switch of my mind because it was going a million miles a minute last night. I HATE THAT. I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday who will hopefully give me some sleeping meds that can help me in the short term without becoming addictive.

I was so not myself that I ended up posting here a lot more information than I intended to and if you didn't get a chance to read it, it's gone now I have a private blog for that sort of crap.

It didn't help that today w e n t s u p e r s l o w. Ugh.

If you read my tweets, then you know that I am a horrible Ebay addiction. It's mostly vintage hats and workout gear. The other day I emailed a seller that I had paid on January 13th. No email letting me know that the item had been shipped and worse than that..no item. On the item page it reads "I SHIP FROM THE STATES ONCE A WEEK. I DRIVE DOWN FROM CANADA. It is cheaper than from Canada. This is for US and Canadian customers. Please when leaving feedback, do not mark shipping as slow. This will effect my selling ability and it isn't slow if you are aware of my shipping practice" Ok. So now it's the 26th, which is almost two weeks since I paid for the item. I ask if it's been shipped. This is the response I get "Hi there, I am so sorry. I don't know why your parcel got missed on my last trip to the States. As per item description I ship weekly. I have a home service for women in treatment and so I had someone helping me that turned out to be not so helpful. I am going back down tomorrow and will send it. Please, I ask you to not mark the shipping as slow. This will effect my selling ability. Sorry again, I drive to the States to save my customers money and it seems to be biting me in the butt. "

I would like to point out that by the seller's own admission my item was not shipped. My item was missed. Then she asks me to lie. I shouldn't mark the item as slow because this could hurt her. So I respond with a comment that what if I hadn't emailed her. I remind her that this item is late because of a mistake. Not because of her own unique shipping policy. And this is the nice response I get "I emailed everyone today to let them know of my shipping plans. As per item description I ship weekly anyways to save my customers money. I drive down to the States. Do what you have to. "

Isn't that sweet. She admits she forgot my item (yes I know I said it before but humor me) then gets upset when I seem to have an issue with this. So I kindly responded that she could refund me my money, including shipping, and then I wouldn't leave negative feedback and I would never buy from her again. Win, win.

Still waiting for a response.

My father is laughing at the entire exchange.

And I really wanted the hat.

Thursday Ten, The oral and anal edition

2009-01-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time on the internet. Between the blackberry and the laptop....I spend most of my day on the internet....twittering, reading blogs, email, the list is endless. There is no denying that I LOVE technology. However, I don't understand how it works and I don't feel I need to understand how it works. All I know is that if I push the little button under the word Dell on my laptop, it should come on. And that little 'e' at the bottom, if I hit that it takes me to the internet. If none of those things work, I get a little crazy.

Last night Einstein came to me and started going on about servers and his xbox and his friends and he wants to buy a server, yada, yada, yada. I believe my eyes started glazing over at the first mention of server. I finally told him to cut to the chase and he explained that he and his friends would pay for the server but they needed a credit card. Nice to know I'm useful. So, I gave him my credit card and asked when the server would arrive. Hey, I like to mess with the kid's head.

So, after all that technology talk I thought that for today's Thursday Ten I'd share some of my favorite URL's with you.

1. I love to cook and I utilize two website a lot for recipes. Of course, food network is one of them. Initially I shied away from this site because some of the recipes were confusing and complicated. However,either I've improved or the recipes have gotten easier. When I'm having a party or trying to work a theme meal it's a great resource.
2. The other site is allrecipes.com. I like this site so much that I even buy their cookbooks. One of my favorite features of this site is that let's say you have a pantry full of spam, you can do a search based on ingredients. Spam all week long! (I actually hate Spam and I do not endorse it's use).
3. I love to shop online, mostly because I don't like the mall very much. If you have a need to increase the size of your jewelry box ex-boyfriend jewelry is a great place to go. This site gives people the chance to sell those unwanted pieces of jewelry that were gifted to them by, well you guessed it, exboyfriends. Seriously, there is some nice jewelry on here and the stories are great!
4. I love to read and recently some of my friends turned me onto the goodread site. This site allows you to list the books you've read, make reviews, and recommend them to others. It also gives you the option to offer the book up for swap or sell. You can also list the books that you plan to read, connect with others, and get recommendations.
5. As much as I love to read I HATE paying for books. I recommend using your library (insert the url for your library here). I love our library website. I can go to the website, search for a book (usually one that's been recommended on goodread), request the book, and have it sent to my local branch. And then, and this is the best part, the library calls me and tells me the book is waiting for me. HOW COOL IS THAT? I'm shocked at how many Long Beach residents I talk to that have no idea that you can do this. Of course, there can be drawbacks. Recently I requested the new Michael Connelly book and I'm 91st in the queue.
6. If you are involved anything where document sharing is necessary and you aren't using google docs, you're a fool. Google docs allows you to upload files, (word documents, spreadsheets) and then share them with others. No more emailing spreadsheets back and forth. You just upload the file, share it with those that you want to have it and you can control what they do, edit, etc. It's a huge timesaver. The best part is that you're not wasting any of your memory on file.
7. I read a lot of blogs. For a lot of different reasons. Although I must admit most of them just remind me of my failings as a blogger. I do learn interesting things though. For example, do you know that the richer the man...the better your orgasm? Yep, that I learned from sex secrets. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'but Diva, I thought you were the sexpert.' I hate to disappoint you folks, but I've just been faking it. (the expertness not the orgasms) Seriously though, this is a great site. During my parties the women seem to respond well to fun facts about sex and this is where I get them. Questions about anal sex, oral sex, positions? This is the place to find the answers.
8. Almost all the blogs I read are awesome, but there are two that when I see that little feed light up, I light up. One makes me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. I would give my firstborn to have even a smidgen of her wittiness. That would be the bloggess. And if you don't follow her on twitter well then you've missed today's lesson in fisting. Seriously this woman can make a post with one long run-on sentence. I find myself reading them out loud to my husband and even he starts to laugh.
9. The other is only updated once a week and I wait for it anxiously every Sunday. That would be postsecret. Some of the secrets make me tear up and some make me laugh, and some touch my heart. I'm often tempted to send in one myself. If you have a chance check out the ones from this week, I think you'll figure out my favorite right away.
10. Ok, one more blog, although I don't think of it as a blog. If you don't have LOTD on your feed, you're missing out. Great videos. lists, and other fun things that will remind you that there are those out there who are more stupid than you are (and I mean that in a nice way).

That's it folks. Have fun and remember surf often and surf safely.

I'm too exhausting to be loved

2009-01-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

While transferring my posts from live journal back to blogger I have discovered something.

My posts are horrible.

The overwhelming theme is grief and depression. And yes, with the passing of my mom it is to be expected but who wants to read about it?

Ugh, are you people masochists or what? And when I say "you people" I mean the three of you that read me.

I have another blog where I also throw up my feelings. It’s hidden away and by invite only. I'm thinking that perhaps in the future if I have a post that implies I might be ready to stick my head in the oven then it might be a good idea to put it in the other blog.

Not that I am limiting what I write about based on what I think readers want, but really do the three of you need to see another post where the first tag is 'crying'. I think not.

And I will still blog about my battle with grief, anger, and what has been termed "situational depression." It’s just the whiny shit that should be locked away.

Can someone please explain to me why Beaver does his math homework but doesn't turn it in? He has an F in math due to missing homework assignments. He does them, I check them, and somewhere between that point and the next morning. Abracadabra! It’s enough to make me want to pray.

I had dropped my classes this semester in hopes that I would get that job. However they were supposed to make their decision last week and I haven’t heard from them. Just a bit frustrating because they did ask me to tell them if I took another position. Do ya think they could return the favor? You know just a short call to say sorry you suck, you"re not who we are looking for?

Then I realized that now I’ve dropped two semesters in a row and that doesn’t look good so I went to the school website and searched under every subject to find classes that I could take online and that didn’t start until the 15 week mark or the 2nd 9 week mark. I didn’t care if it was a zoology class I was going to take it.

This is what I ended up with:

Organizational Communication (helps you organize your thoughts so that you can write better. I love writing research papers, kind of, and I’ve already started on the one I’ll be doing for this class)

Business Communications – so I can learn to say suck it more nicely

Legal Environment of Business – so I can politely explain to my boss that it is ILLEGAL to give out account information without the patient’s permission

How to Start A Home Based Business – really, how can you not want to take a class in which the textbook is called “Getting Rich In Your Underwear.” Now is wearing underwear required? Because this could be a problem.

Actually the organizational communication class is on campus, but other than that all online. Every class but the underwear class is eligible for transfer. So at least I’m taking classes that I can learn something from but I’m still carrying 10.5 units which means Sallie Mae won’t be knocking on my door to pay my student loans.

Last night hubby came home with some pictures of me that he had at work. I was like, “so, you don’t want my pictures in your office,” and he was like “I want updated pictures.” Of course he does “so, you don’t want FAT pictures of me anymore,” “no” he said, “just current ones.” Uh huh, I see where this is going. Current – not so fat, old pictures – FAT.

Title brought to you courtesy of Alanis Morissette "Tapes"

Does Size Matter?

2009-01-20T19:22:00.000-08:00

I just thought this was funny. You can't read it but in small print on the bottom of the right side it says "Not actual pill size, for illustrative purposes only."

Really? Do people think the pill is the same size as the picture on the box? Are you supposed to cut it up first?

I'm exhausting and exhausted.

2009-01-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

I think that sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to be able to pull yourself up. I thought that the week of Christmas I had done that.

Apparently I was wrong. Because rock bottom occurred at my house last night. I won't describe it, it wasn't pretty. It started with Beav presenting me with a progress report from Math reflecting he is earning an F. Why? Because he has not turned in any homework. I know he does his homework because I check it every night. Yet somehow between our dining room table and his school bag it disappears.

Apparently this was just too much stress for me to handle and I had a complete meltdown.

Today, I'm exhausted and embarrassed but I feel ok. I still think therapy is necessary but I am absolutely certain that I never want to repeat what occured last night. That alone is motivation enough to get my shit together.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I had plans with this person. I had to cancel and only told her that it was due to an emergency. Later I called to apologize but she didn't answer. However, she text'd me in response to my message about a minute later so it's obvious she didn't answer because she didn't want to.

This led to an exchange of text messages that ended with her saying some very cruel things. The ironic thing is that she said being my friend is exhausting. This is someone who hasn't spoken to me in three months. This is someone who, every time we went anywhere together, I had to drive because she just refused to. And yes, she helped with gas, etc, but still even if we were going somewhere where I live I had to drive where she lives, pick her up and bring her back to where I live. This is someone who I sat with all night while she threw up and sent text messages that I later deleted because who wants to be reminded of drunk texting?

Yet, I'm exhausting. When I called her the day my mom died she barely said a word. She never called me during the week to see how I was doing. She sent me a text message! And in reality we wouldn't have started talking again if I hadn't contacted her. And we stopped being in touch because I was always the one reaching out and she never was.

She hit below the belt with the exhausting comment because I know that right now, I am exhausting. I don't mean to be. I hate it and if I could change it I would. What I do know though is that if any of my friends were really hurting I would do ANYTHING to help. I would call, send cards, remind them that I'm there every chance I had. There have been times when my friends have said hurtful things. Sometimes alcohol is involved, sometimes they are just being honest, and sometimes I'm just too sensitive. And when that happens I let it go.

But this wasn't being hurtful. This was being mean. And it took every bit of self restraint I have (and I don't have a lot) not to reply with some pretty horrible missives. I could have taken it really low and part of me wanted to, but I just couldn't.

The worst part is that this is someone I really shared a lot of personal things with. My inclination is to keep more things to myself. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I can't trust people. And I hate feeling like I have the worst instincts about others.

That's a lot of hate.

But even now, I'm ok.

Thursday Ten, The Science Edition

2009-01-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

1. I'm officially in therapy, ugh. Seriously, she looked like she was twelve. I'm not entirely sure I'm going to stick with her but I committed to going back next week. If I don't stick with her I will go with one of the other referrals I got today.

2. She thinks that part of my problem is that I'm just exhausted because I don't sleep well and consequently I don't rest. She has asked me to see a psychiatrist to try a different sleeping aid since the Ambien hasn't been helpful.

3. She also asked me how I felt about antidepressants and I nixed that idea. I do believe that antidepressants can be helpful but my depression is situational. And I know that what I'm going through, I need to deal with. Masking my symptoms isn't going to help.

4. Apparently I've also put myself in a position where I'm extremely uncomfortable really opening up to others. She doesn't think I have a support system. I felt the need to stand up for my friends, because they have been fabulous. However I explained to her that I can't ask them to repeatedly hear me cry about issues with my mom. I mean, really, if I were them I'd be like 'get over it already.'

5. I'm also very angry, duh. And more angrier than I thought. I was really saying some negative things about my mom and then I felt bad because I shouldn't be saying bad things about someone who is dead. It was a real eye opener though, because I had no idea how far back my anger went.

6. After that I had a short meeting with a commitee at Einstein's school. They're doing an event very similar to an event I've worked at for the past six years. I was able to offer a lot of helpful insight and it felt so good to feel useful.

7. Then I had to stay for the PTSA meeting because the school group I'm involved in needs to be represented and our Chair couldn't make it and I'm second in command.

8. I spent most of the meeting staring at a new science teacher who caught my eye because I caught him staring at me. He was really cute except for when he kept touching his feet (he was wearing flip flops) and I have foot issues. He had some nice tattoos on his arms and I found myself making stupid jokes so that he would laugh and notice me. How old am I again?

9. Afterwards this other parent, who was annoying, kept butting into a conversation I was having regarding our event (which I need to name here). We were discussing press releases and she kept harping about how she knew someone over at one of our small local papers and I just couldn't help myself. So I casually mentioned 'have you heard of Relay for Life' because seriously who hasn't? And of course the answer was yes. So then I dropped the bomb, 'well it's first year here in Long Beach, I did all their marketing and public relations.' Annoying parent had nothing to say after that. HA! How old am I again?

10. But it did feel good to remind myself that I have done a lot of really good things...and as a volunteer. I have a lot of talents that I have forgotten about. I've spent so much time recently putting myself down and in reality I've accomplished a lot. I came home in good spirits and that felt REALLY good.

How The Mighty Have Fallen

2009-01-13T21:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm not mighty, but you get the idea.

Thursday I have an appointment with an EAP counselor. EAP stands for employee assistance program. Basically the way it works is that you see one of the counselors and if they feel that you require ongoing treatment you get referred to a mental health specialist covered by your insurance program.

I'm sure that once they get a glimpse of the simmering rage floating beneath my sunny exterior they will most likely recommend some type of treatment. I suppose I should be looking forward to the opportunity to unload and I am certainly grateful that husbands insurance provides such a benefit but I'm dreading the whole thing. The thought of opening up to a complete stranger is about as horrifying as the thought of opening up to someone I know. Actually opening up horrifies me period.

The true irony is that I am a certified crisis counselor. I've been certified by the state in the areas of domestic violence and sexual assault. Being on the other side just doesn't appeal to me at all. With all of my training and my studies as a psych major shouldn't I be more equipped to handle these things?

Besides, I've worked in the mental health field. Most psychologists and psychiatrists I worked for were all nuts themselves. So, perhaps my unhealthy mental state is a prerequisite for my future career. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I am still anxiously waiting to hear whether or not I've gotten the position I've been trying for. I am supposed to hear this week and every time the phone vibrates I about bounce off my seat.

I just need something to change, soon.

Is There a God...Why is he waiting?

2009-01-09T07:02:00.000-08:00

Ah, blogger...how I've missed you.

Livejournal was creating a lot of issues with bots on my AIM. Yesterday I received about five random instant messages about everything from naked women to bongs.

The only advantage that LiveJournal has/had over Blogger is that it allows me to set privacy settings for each individual entry. With twitter and all the other social media people I actually know in real life started reading my blog and well as much as I'd like to think I'm an open book...I'm not.

Yesterday I was headed back to my third interview with a local clinic. I check in and am waiting...and waiting..and the human resources person comes out. She looks at me quizzically...'what are you doing here? Didn't you get my message the other day?' Um, yes, I did. Right after I got the message to be here at 12:30pm. Yep, apparently there was a huge case of the right hand not talking to the left hand and the short version is that I put on heels for nothing. The HR person did reassure me that I'm a strong contender for the position I've applied for and I should hear early next week.

I had already scheduled the rest of the afternoon off as I am on my school schedule. I'm suppose to start school in an hour and a half as I have an orientation for one of my online classes. I don't think I'm going to be there. I'm still confused about what to do. One minute I'm eager to go back to school...the next minute I hate my office so much I can hardly stand it.

I could write a book about the issues that this office has. HIPPA violations, lack of professionalism...do you know I haven't had working voice mail since I've been there? I can't print claims from my computer. My boss has never done my job, she has no idea how to do my job, yet she constantly is telling me to do things that I know are a)wrong, b)unethical, or c)makes no sense at all.

Enough already.

Because of my weight loss I found myself with a ton of clothes that are too big for me. I had the bright idea to sell the items on ebay. I wasn't looking to get rich, just make a few bucks. I didn't. What I did get was a multitude of stupid questions. I don't how ebayers do it. I had a top listed for ninety-nine cents. Ninety-nine cents people!!!! And someone emails me haggling me about the shipping cost. Wants me to stuff it in a priority mail flat rate envelope because they don't want to pay the $8 charge I have for priority mail. Yes, I know it's kinda high but I do have to drive my ass to the post office.

I sold a few items, the rest are going to the women's shelter. I'm talking nice shit. Wool dress skirts, blouses, lots of nice work items.

In the meantime I continue to spend all of my money on ebay feeding my vintage hat habit.

Title credit: New Deep by John Mayer

Can I talk to you?

2009-01-06T19:48:00.000-08:00

It’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind…right? Gah, at times things seem clear, then other times things get blurry.

Yesterday I thought I had it all figured out. Then halfway during the day my phone rings. They called and wanted to come in again for a third interview. Even though I wasn’t sure I went ahead and scheduled it because it isn’t until Thursday and I figured I could cancel it. Then hubby and I hashed it over for awhile. The main kicker is that there are two positions open. One is a regular billing position and the other was for a supervisory position. As miserable as I am at my current position it just doesn’t make sense to leave for a lateral job. And my last interview didn’t leave me feeling positive.

And then my phone rang again. It was the human resources director at said company. She wanted me to know that they have narrowed down the search and that I was a strong contender for the supervisory position. She also asked that if I take a position with another company in the meantime to please let them know.

That left me MORE confused. I called my girlfriend, kitten. She reminded me that I had been waiting for God to tell me what to do and um, perhaps, this was the clue I’ve been waiting for? She also reminded me that even working part time, I am very unhappy at my current job.

Still unsure went into work today determined to make the best of things. The two individuals who have, for some unknown reason, to make my life hell at work were both back from vacation. It would appear that absence has not made their hearts grow fonder. The temperature in the air dropped about a hundred degrees. Seriously. I finally said something to another coworker who explained that, and I quote, “that’s how they can be, it’s kind of an initiation.” HELLO, I’ve been there for eleven months.

So, now I feel like I’m where I’m at exactly a week ago. UGH.

The true irony in all of this is that I tend to be super impulsive…I know, what a shock. And with this I can’t. I have to wait and see what is going to happen. It’s killing me!

She's more than you deserve, she's just far better than me

2009-01-04T17:37:00.000-08:00

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I had so many thoughts in my head. Some I won’t share here. They’re just too personal and people are just too judgmental.

I had vented to my husband earlier in the evening about some issues I’m having with friends. My two best friends are both in relationships. I am SO happy for them. I’ve always found it difficult to understand why two of the greatest people I know remained unattached. And I expected that in the beginning I wouldn’t see them much.

Much..I didn’t expect I really wouldn’t see them at all. The one thing I always looked forward to is having my friends being in relationships and being able to actually open up our circle to our respective partners. You know, double date, etc, etc.

And one of my friends..that’s not her style and I’m cool with that. But the other one….her and her new boyfriend seem to have all kinds of fun on group activities with other people. Just not me or my husband.

Hubby thinks it’s him. I think it’s me. Whatever it is, it sucks and kinda makes me angry. Sounds a bit like sour grapes, I know.

I also tend to be reactionary so I’m trying to be more cautious in jumping to conclusions. The biggest issue with that is that then I fall into the trap of being too acceptable of negative treatment and I began making excuses for others.

That being said a couple of months ago I stopped talking to someone who had been a very good friend. On the surface it would appear that she and I have nothing in common. We’re ten years apart, we are both married, she doesn’t have children. But, she understands things about me that others don’t. And I’ve shared details of my life with her that I haven’t shared with anyone else. And she lets me share, offers opinions when asked, often asks thought provoking questions, and NEVER judges. I’ve often joked that she and I are soul sisters. Plus she is an excellent shopping buddy and if you’re a woman you know better than anyone that finding someone you can shop with can be very difficult.

But, she didn’t handle my grief very well. And I couldn’t help her help me. I vented about this to the wrong person and was reminded that in situations such as the one I was going through you learn who your real friends are…so, I just walked away. And I was wrong. Maybe I should have taken a time out. So last night I realized that I miss her. Actually, I think about her a lot, but last night it was the first time I admitted it out loud to the hubby and he encouraged me to contact her.

So I did. And I’m so glad!!

And I’m going to try to remember that perhaps in the future I should be more honest about how I’m feeling with others. If something comes up that bothers me….make sure it’s significant…and if it is, let the other person know how I feel…instead of just swallowing it up or walking away from it.

before...or after

2009-01-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

Today my trainer told me he wants to post before and after pictures of me up at the dojo. This freaks me out. First, I don't think I'm at the "after" stage yet. I still have about 12 pounds to lose. I'm down about sixteen pounds which is nothing to frown at. A bunch of people from the dojo including my trainer were at our Christmas party. That's where they saw this:

This is from our Christmas party last year. Here's another one:

I'm the redhead with the chubby face. Here I am from a Christmas party this year:

I'm hoping you can see a bit of change. My dilemna is that I did take a before picture. It's one of those horrible pictures, you know like the ones you see on TV. No make up, hair pulled back, I look really, really, really bad. And everyone in the dojo will see this and it's not as if they see me at my best as it is, I mean, sweaty, hair under a bandanna, makeup smeared all over the place.

I really make myself sound sexy, dont I? Here's another pic just because I think my hubby and I are way too adorable.

Now excuse me, I have to run and get my chocolate chip cookies out of the oven.

Thursday Ten

2009-01-01T17:47:00.000-08:00

1. Happy New Year! I hope everyone had the celebration they wanted. Hubby and I went to one of our favorite wine bars and enjoyed a wonderful four course meal...well kind of. Our fourth course never arrived. However, we know the owner and she'll take care of us next time we go in.

2. I was shocked by how I could barely stay awake until midnight. I knew I should have taken a nap but I didn't expect to be that tired. Hubby and I were home and in bed by about 12:45. I slept until 10am which is unheard of.

3. I had a second interview with the company I interviewed with last week. I was not impressed. I just didn't get a good vibe. The COO was asking me questions about my time at different jobs because she stated she needed that information, however it was on my resume AND on the application I filled out. Not to mention that halfway during the interview they realized that I was interviewing for one position and they were interviewing me for another.

4. This means I had some decisions to make. If I leave my present job to work full time than that means no school. School starts Monday. If I start school I'm not going to drop. I'm taking some heavy classes and I don't like to do anything less than 110 percent (well other than blog, apparently).

5. So hubby and I chatted about it for quite a while during our dinner last night. I know, deep down, that if I don’t go back to school this semester, then I’m not going back. On the other hand, I’m not sure we can afford for me to only work part time. BUT I feel strongly that school and working part time is what God has planned for me…..and if it is I’m hoping that he will began to make things more pleasant for me at work.

6. There are SO many things about my present employer that I hate. But there are some things that make it ok. It’s flexible. It’s close. They pay me pretty well for working part time. I am currently experience two paid four day weekends in a row. VERY NICE.

7. I don’t really believe in doing New Year’s Resolutions. I like to think that you can start each day as a new start. But I do have some goals that I would like to accomplish.

8. I would like to get in the habit of waking up early every morning and spending some time with the book “Purpose Driven Life.” I feel that I need to spend some time meditating, praying, and just getting to know the inner me a little bit better.

9. The best part about this four day weekend is that I really have nothing planned. We are supposed to go to a casual party Saturday night and the boys don’t come back until Sunday night. Other than kickboxing I don’t have anywhere I need to be. Hell, I didn’t shower today until 4pm.

10. I like bowl games, I do, but how many does the hubby expect me to watch in one day? At this point they are all blended together and I can’t even keep track anymore. Besides, my favorite part is the marching bands. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.

It's A Wonderful Life...Isn't It?

2008-12-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

I seriously underestimated how difficult Christmas would be. Thanksgiving was tough, but easier because I was with my family. Knowing my sister, brothers, and my dad will all be together while I'm here, well, it sucks. I was hoping going to the Christmas Eve service would help but I ended up crying during the whole thing. This has just been a sucky week and felt like it was seven days instead of just three. Part of my biggest issue with grief has been my inability to control my emotions. It's as if I'm on hyperdrive. A consequence of this is that I constantly second guess everything I feel and do. If something upsets or angers me, am I legitimately upset or angry, or am I overreacting? I go through this process with EVERYTHING and its excruciating.

A secondary effect of this condition is that I tend to excuse the bad behavior of other’s. If someone mistreats me, is rude, etc, I tend to make excuses for them. Because, maybe I’m just being super sensitive. Or maybe they’re having a rough day. OR MAYBE THEY’RE JUST BEING AN ASS.

That’s what I really need to realize.

I’ve been doing this with some of the girls I work with. I’ve tried hard, maybe too hard, to be friendly, part of the gang, etc. It’s not working. My boss came out of her office the other day and announces to me that we (the billing dept) need to do a better job of collecting copays. We need to make sure that we’re doing a better job of telling the girls up front which patients on the schedule have a copay. So I mention that ever day I do indeed mark copays on the schedule up front. The same schedule that the girls at the front desk have to check every time a patient signs in. So then my office mate says that perhaps we should make a point to check up front for the patients so that we can collect the copay. I tell her that is seriously f’d up. How can we do our job and get up, leave our office, and check to see if the patient is here? It’s just as easy for the girls at the front desk to check off the patient and let us know. Of course the reasonable expectation would be that the girls at the front desk would actually ask for the copay, but they seem to have some aversion to that.

Anyway, the next day I received the silent treatment from half the girls in the office. It felt like I was in high school and seriously pissed me off. This would be the same day I brought in my Christmas gifts for the office staff. They couldn’t break their silent treatment to say thanks.

On the flip side is my overreaction to things. I tried to make what I thought was a joke to a friend and she sent me an email letting me know she didn’t appreciate. I immediately responded with an apology and then literally spent the rest of the day agonizing over what I had done. Which is ridiculous. I made a joke, there was certainly no ill will intended and she didn’t like it. Why am I beating myself up about it. She let me know how she felt, I respect that. We’re friends, best friends, and this really isn’t the end of the world. But for me, it’s like picking at a hangnail. I just can’t relax and let things go.

I just can’t keep putting myself through this. It’s exhausting and stressful. I just keep thinking things will get easier, but it doesn’t. Maybe I should just accept this and learn to deal with it.

In other news I think a skunk has set up residence under my house, more specifically under my bedroom.

Sigh.

Interview by SarahinMI

2008-12-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

One of my twitter friends posted an interview on her blog, The Mom Chronicles. After answering her questions she asked if there were any readers interested in being interviewed. I thought, ‘what the heck, why not’, if anything it will get me to post. So I left her a comment and about thirty seconds later she left me these questions.

1. I love that you take kickboxing because it seems like an awesome work out and stress relief all mixed in one. What made you choose kickboxing? Actually it was my friends Kitten that suggested it. There is a local studio that she wanted to check out so we went in and found out the first class was free. We figured that it would be worth a shot. At our first class, a beginner class, the first thing our instructor said was “if you feel like you’re going to throw up, the bathrooms are there and here.” I came home exhausted and exhilarated. It was the best workout I have ever experienced. If anyone had told me a year ago I could do pushups without collapsing, I would have never believed them.

2. It's been a hard year for you, and I'm sad that you're sad. What is your favorite memory of your mom? I have lots of great memories but it was easy to pick my favorite. When I was in high school I tried out for the drill team, ok it was tall flags, I can’t lie. Anyway, for some reason this news really excited my mom and she actually made me an outfit for try outs. It had been years since my mother had sewed and she made me this adorable short outfit in my school colors which were black and orange. Believe it or not I didn’t look like Tony the Tiger, it was really cute. Unfortunately, I got the date wrong and I came home from tryouts to find the outfit lying on my bed ready for the next day. I never told my mom that tryouts were a day earlier than I thought and to my knowledge she never knew I didn’t try out in the outfit she made me. I did make the team and my mother made a HUGE sign and posted it on our garage door. It was the closest she ever came to telling me she was proud of me.

3. So you hate when your iPod gets stuck on Christina Aguilera (believe me, I WOULD TOO!) - and you love some booty music. You have to create a playlist to take with you to a deserted island for a week of being CHILL and doing NOTHING - what is on that playlist. I don’t know how to CHILL and do nothing, but I’ll give it a shot. I have really varied taste in music. The Best Day by Taylor Swift
Anything by Amos Lee
Boys of Summer by Don Henley
Celebrity by Brad Paisley
Cocoon by Jack Johnson
Crash by Dave Matthews
Every Light in the House by Trace Adkins
Far Away by Nickelback
Father Figure by George Michael
Fingernail Moon by Annie Lennox
The Garden by Mirah
Godspeed by Dixie Chicks
Good Enough By Evanescence
Hot N Cold by Katy Perry
I’m Movin On by Rascal Flatts
I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance
Imagine by Jack Johnson
Karma by Alicia Keys
Kerosene by Miranda Lambert
Legend of a Cowgirl by Imani Coppola
Life is Beautiful by Vega4
Love Story by Taylor Swift
Mercy by Duffy
2 x 4 by Metallica
Pancho and Lefty by Willie Nelson
Red Light Special by TLC
She’s A Beauty by the Tubes
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy by Kenny Chesney
Shut Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
Wicked Game by Chris Isaak
Wish you Were Here by Mark Harris
Womanizer by Britney Spears
You Had Me From Hello by Kenny Chesney
Burn by Usher

4. The sex toy business is best when the women are horny and cash-laden. What is the most popular thing you sell? How did you get into that business? I can be pretty blunt around strangers but a bit shy around people I know - do you find that it matters when you're hosting a home party? The most popular item I sell is the Silver Bullet. It’s a great little toy guaranteed to take any woman from zero to 60 in no time flat plus it’s a great beginner toy to use with your partner. I do prefer to do parties for strangers. They ask a LOT of personal questions and I don’t think that people that know me really want to know that much about my personal life.

5. I know you best through Twitter these days - who are your favorite people to follow? Is there a particular kind of Twitter-er you follow or is it random? Of course, SarahinMI is one of my favorites. It’s pretty random, but I like to follow witty and funny people in the hope it will rub off on me. Some of my favorites in no particular order are Jplesko, myfuckingeye, yeahimadork, to name a few. I also like to follow people who live here in Long Beach.

Hey folks: Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

2008-12-19T18:57:00.000-08:00

was tagged by nannermommy, so here goes.
1. Open the 4th picture folder on your computer.

2 Open the 4th picture and post it on your blog.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 people to do the same!

This is my cat Edward. I'm not sure when it was taken, sometime during the past year. I adopted Edward about ten years ago. I adopted him as an adult and I have no idea how old he is. I know he's getting old because he limps a lot and doesn't like to jump up high anymore. I worry that he will leave me soon. I tag The Mom Chronicles, Miss Pea, and Jennifer Plesko.